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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you still buy your grown up children birthday and/or Christmas’s presents when they have their own children.

67 replies

CBCB7992 · 18/09/2019 16:12

The question says it all ^^ do you still buy your grown up children things when they become parents?

My mum has the opinion that once you have children you shouldn’t expect or buy much for yourself. Of course children should always come first but it sounds extreme to not have anything nice yourself. She doesn’t buy me much for Christmas or Birthday. I don’t expect much but a box of chocs would be appreciated. Funnily enough my grandmother buys for my mum despite her not bothering much with me now I have DC. My mum never buys OH anything for birthdays or Christmas (money isn’t the issue, my siblings without children get loads)

Mil has the opposite view. She buys for all of us. She spends more on me than my own mother does. I don’t expect it but it makes me all emotional that she’s so kind. She usually gives me a £40 voucher at Christmas to spend on myself.

Surely I’m not being unreasonable to feel like my mother doesn’t make much of an effort? I buy her gifts for mother’s day, birthdays and Christmas. She buys DC things (maybe around £30-40 each which is fine), I also buy for my mums partner and my siblings (who don’t buy anything for their nieces and nephews). I’m thinking of not bothering this year. My younger siblings get hundreds spent on them so money isn’t an issue. I don’t have a dad, my mums partner brought me up. I just kinda feel pushed out. I can’t imagine ever not buying anything for my DC.

Aibu? Or do I sound like a spoilt cow??

OP posts:
icontrolthebullshitnow · 18/09/2019 16:21

Every family is different and our approach is to stop buying when kids turn 30'ish, irrespective of whether they have kids themselves.

cornstarch · 18/09/2019 16:22

I buy for everyone. My children, grandchildren, in laws, my parents, everyone.

Chupchup · 18/09/2019 16:23

Yanbu. My dm actually gives me more now I have dc. I guess cos she knows the dc always come first so on my birthday I get to have something really nice and just for me.

Chasingsquirrels · 18/09/2019 16:24

I can't imagine (in a world where finances are not an issue) my parents not buying me presents for Christmas and Birthdays.
Equally I can't imagine not buying for them either.
I'm 47.

HugoSpritz · 18/09/2019 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gillian1980 · 18/09/2019 16:27

Our parents still buy us presents as well as the children.

Other relatives don’t tend to anymore and just get the children something which is absolutely fine.

I have to admit I’d feel a bit disappointed if my DPs didn’t give me a Christmas present.... I’m not after anything extravagant but just something small to open is nice.

funmummy48 · 18/09/2019 16:29

We still buy presents for our adult children as well as for our granddaughter. I can’t conceive of a time when I’d ever want a birthday or Christmas to go by without a gift from us.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/09/2019 16:34

I am 52. I have 3 children. My parents always buy me a few really nice birthday presents (earrings, a handbag, perfume that sort of thing). At Christmas they do me a stocking. They also buy for my children. And my DH. I give to both of them too. And do stockings for them at Christmas. It works because there is a mutuality about it. We pride ourselves on getting things we know each other will like. No one scenario is right. What is wrong about your set-up is that it seems very one way.

heath48 · 18/09/2019 16:35

I always buy all my adult children presents and Advent calendars,the youngest is 37! I also get presents and Advent calendars back,love all that sort of thing.

CBCB7992 · 18/09/2019 16:35

Thanks all. I am late twenties by the way.

I love buying people gifts particularly my children and I can’t imagine not ever doing this even when they are grown up!

OP posts:
MonaChopsis · 18/09/2019 16:38

My parents are lovely but crap at gifts, so they haven't bought for me at Xmas or birthdays since I was about 18. I know it's just one of their quirks, but it makes me sad, so I will definitely keep buying for my kids no matter how old they get!

SandyY2K · 18/09/2019 16:38

Well my mum still buys birthday and Christmas gifts for me and I have DC.

I still buy birthday and Christmas gifts gifts for her too.

Itsallpetetong · 18/09/2019 16:48

Mid 40’s DM -for the first time ever-just sent a card for my birthday this year because every year I tell her to save her money, i don’t need anything etc and I know she struggle on her pension. She spends far too much on the many grandchildren.

PILs have never sent more than a card to my DH in the 20 plus years we’ve been married but my DM has been buying for him since we first got together.

PinchOfSugar · 18/09/2019 16:48

My mum always buys me lovely Christmas and Birthday presents because she knows I don't prioritise spending on nice things for myself anymore. If anything, a nice present now is more important. It's the only time I get a treat, whereas before kids you can treat yourself whenever you like without feeling guilty. MIL has the opposite view so we don't get much from her (still a token tin of biscuits though which is nice). It upset my mum that my husband's mum doesn't buy him anything nice though so she gave him £200 to spend at Screwfix on his birthday. I never let him spend that much on tools anymore and he was so excited he nearly cried like toddlers do when they're overwhelmed...bless.

Didiusfalco · 18/09/2019 16:53

My parents have scaled back a lot since I had dc, so it’s now token presents for adults, but - and i think this makes a big difference, they are very generous in other ways. Save for the dc, have helped with house deposit and other large purchases. My pil who outwardly look a lot more generous actually give us a lot less. I’m guessing from your post your dm doesn’t do this though!

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 18/09/2019 16:54

In our family the grandparents get the grandchildren presents and the children get small gifts such as chocolate & wine etc

notso · 18/09/2019 16:56

DH and I still get gifts from our parents. I guess they spend £30-£50.
Most of my friends are given several hundred pounds from their parents for birthdays and Christmas or things like holidays, weekend breaks etc.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/09/2019 17:00

Bit my parents and PILs get both DH and I birthday and Christmas presents. We get presents from other relatives as well. My DHs uncle never forgets anyone's birthday, which I've always found really thoughtful and welcoming. It's just a small thing (I often get a book voucher).

doublesheesh · 18/09/2019 17:01

Who does she buy gifts for then? If not her own children then can I assume she doesn't buy gifts for any of her friends either? It would be beyond weird if she buys for friends but not her own children. Seems odd if money is no object.

Cookit · 18/09/2019 17:04

Do you still get your mother a gift? Is it from you or from the kids? If you do, I’d stop..!

Yes I still get presents. Not big ones now, we probably spend similarly on each other, but that’s because I’m an adult not because I have DC.

EmmiJay · 18/09/2019 17:04

My DM still spoils me and my sisters rotten and her husband does too. We all have kids and they get lots from everyone. In return we give heaps back to them even just throughout the year as a thoughtful thing to do. Some parents aren't built like them and thats fine but they wouldn't expect much back from me.

Cookit · 18/09/2019 17:05

My parents used to have some strange rule about buying for their nieces and nephews until they got married but which made sense to me as one might do it at 25 and the other at 45. I think it was some old fashioned idea about them starting their own homes or something.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/09/2019 17:08

Yep still buy adult children and their children..and my mum buys for all of us...wish she wouldnt though.

Wexone · 18/09/2019 17:09

I actually do expect this and am nearly 40. Its nice for your birthday and xmas to be recognised. It doesn't have to be expensive a nice lunch or spend the afternoon window shopping is nice, just an acknowlegment, however my mother is not like this will get a £20 voucher for somewhere i don't shop or will use. My mother in law is the opposite though will give me £50 to treat myslef and at xmas and birthdays my husband will get a couple of hundred off her. She does this to all of her children.

GiantKitten · 18/09/2019 17:10

Our kids are aged 26-37. They get cash (not a huge amount) at birthday & Christmas, plus a few random small presents if I've seen something I think they'll like.

First grandchild arrived this year but that will not affect what anybody else gets.

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