To start telling the truth about pregnancy loss

[UncomfortableTruth]

I've had a really rough time over the past few years. Myself and DH have been through 9 miscarriages at various stages.

I've got to a point where I'm just sick of pretending to be fine. Of lying when people ask if we want kids, when are we planning them etc... Of having to make excuses to avoid baby showers and gender reveals. Of my boss literally asking me outright if I'm pregnant when I just want to ask her a question about work.

AIBU to just start telling people the truth no matter how uncomfortable it makes them?

I'm sick of pretending like I have some awful dirty secret and that I can't discuss/mention it because it's awkward for everyone else.

YANBU people are really thoughtless sometimes. Do what's best for you x

I'm sorry you're hurting. Fwiw, my situation is different, I didn't continue trying for as long as you are, but your suggestion is exactly what I did. During my mcs people quietly pretended they didn't happen. Literally it was as if no one had miscarried before, there was no one to talk with and no one spoke with me properly about it, and when they did it was just "when will you start trying again?", "I'm sure it will happen for you next time", " gasp, is that a bump?", and the worst "be glad at least that you don't have to change nappies!". I started being very honest about my experiences and spoke about the discomfort it made others feels and what that was like for me, it made things easier for me to feel I didn't have to pretend. Look after yourself well OP.

So sorry OP.

Yanbu. Tell people. I did. It's better and I think people should be more open about it - you need support and people need to know that this shit happens all the time & how awful it is.

Do what feels right for you. My daughter was stillborn earlier this year and I talk about her, I don't worry if it makes others uncomfortable I'm not going to hide it. I do think that baby loss needs to be talked about more.

Do what you need to. We hide issues around pregnancy too often when it can be so emotionally painful. I had a very traumatic birth (and I am in no way relating this to your miscarriages because I appreciate I'm very fortunate to have DD but I hope I can share an experience that may help) and everyone kept telling me 'oh as long as you and baby are ok'. I felt overwhelmed with what people wanted me to say but in the end had to start saying 'do you know what no, I'm not ok, a terrible thing has happened and I feel deeply traumatised by it'. It can be uncomfortable but I found it helpful to explain changes I was making to my life and behaviour. I was constantly being encouraged to just swipe it away but yet to me it felt huge and life changing. It's ok to say how you really feel and ask for support.

Definitely talk to people about what's happened, and what you're going through. Yes, some people are going to be uncomfortable but that's nothing compared to the pain you're going through, and if they feel entitled to comment, they can take on that discomfort too.

I am so sorry for your many losses: it must be so hard. I hope things work out for you, and that you are ok.

Yanbu OPI wish I had been brave enough to do that.

I had seven miscarriages and two failed cycles of IVF. I fell pregnant last year and spent nine months waiting to miscarry. When DD was born instead of that being a wonderful time, I very nearly had a breakdown. I was later diagnosed with post natal anxiety and Ptsd. Ultimately brought on by my failure to either process those losses or talk about them.

I was drowning in fear of something happening to her and with people saying oh what took you so long, about time, oh you did figure out how to do it.

I now speak very openly about what we went through and to some extent how that still effects me to this day. We held a party for DD and when we thanked people for coming I explained our history infront of everyone and did a collection for the nurses who had been so kind to us. It was a huge moment for me and I could see the horror on colleagues and friends faces as the penny dropped. However I was shown only kindness thereafter.

Take things at your own pace but if I could turn back time I would have been more open a lot sooner.

Talk about it OP. I have had 2 miscarriages, and tried to conceive for nearly 10 years all in. Yes it’s an uncomfortable subject but the expectation that you just move on is unreasonable. I’m fortunate enough to be pregnant again but I’m haunted this pregnancy. I can’t shake off the feeling that something will go wrong, and that it’s wrong to feel excited. I feel constant guilt and anxiety but to those around me I should pretty much just shake it off.

I’m truly sorry for your experience, words aren’t enough and can’t make you feel better but please know that you’re not alone.

It’s a totally personal choice.

We had several losses, including one late one which meant everyone knew about it. From that point on I’ve never hid it when people asked anything where it naturally came up. Didn’t have enough energy left to sugar coat anything for anyone else’s benefit, or shield them from the truth, I had enough to deal with myself.

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through, sending lots of love.

When we lost our baby we chose to talk about it. The result was that others also chose to share their heart breaks, fears and future happiness.

It was hard at times because we shared others painful experiences and it reignights your own emotions but I preferred it over feeling he had to be a secret.

Almost 21 years and never forgotten

Be kind to yourself c

Oh OP. This is such a shitty situation.

I have suffered from miscarriage too and the stupid things people say to me about it push me over the edge. In the end, I got so fed up of it (particularly ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’ - fuck off with that phrase) I would just tell people how painful and undignified it was and how unhelpful their stupid comments were. I have no idea how much it helped me but hopefully it might have made them think before they spouted that nonsense at other bereaved women

Is there any way you can inform colleagues that a) you wish to talk about msc or ) you don't. Colleagues may well be at a loss to know how to approach the subject when having so many. They may well feel you will know how to cope with the emotions attached to loss. Had a similar situation at work years ago. The girl sent memo to everyone announcing she did not want people to avoid her and the subject. Overnight the atmosphere changed. As for friends etc you have to do the same, tell them what you want - speak about situation or not. Also people do struggle for words. You have to put yourself in their shoes, what would you say? Best Wishes, hope life gives you what you want soon.

Yes tell people. It's something anyone should feel free to speak about. It happens to so many of us.

9 is a lot. I heard a radio show this week where a lady had a lot and took a private test which came back to say it was linked to her blood clotting. The next pregnancy she carried to term with drugs to assist this. Radio 4 - women's hour. Can't remember the date sorry.

Good luck.

Totally not unreasonable l don’t think. Thinking of you. I have infertility issues and find the random baby questions challenging when lm struggling. At least for you it would end some of the baby questions

It's not so much that I want to sit and talk at length with people about it but when people say 'oo when are you having kids then wink wink' I really just want to blunty reply with 'well I've had 9 miscarriages now Karen so who knows!'.

I'm actually pregnant again right now which is probably not helping.

Cold, I have a genetic condition which causes them. Apparently there's a good chance it will happen 'eventually'.

I'm sorry for your losses.

We lost our baby at week 22 of pregnancy. I talked honestly about it when I returned to work. I was surprised that so many colleagues came to me and opened up about their own experiences of baby loss.

Please do talk if and when you feel safe to do so.

Or like for example, it was a friend's baby shower the other week. I didn't want to go but felt so much pressure to explain myself. I felt like I had to make up a decent excuse like I'm ill or I'm out that day doing X etc... When actually the real reason is a pretty decent bloody excuse but I don't feel like I can be honest.

You can definitely answer bluntly! I have in no way experienced anything close to what you have. But when people ask me when I'm having a second I say we're trying but it hasn't happened yet. Otherwise they keep asking. With this answer they don't ask again. So I say go for it. It needs to be discussed more openly!

I think you should be honest. Once you are you might find it will be easier to feel better about other people's babies.
Baby showers are such a new thing and my generation would not have wanted to do this.......we wanted to wait til after the birth and all were safe and sound. before celebrating.
Be honest for your sake .
You matter as well. and your feelings are valid.
You didn't choose what has happened to you.

it's a personal choice and I haven't been through nearly as much as you have I am so sorry for your losses. I was open with people after my mc and was so surprised and comforted by the fact that almost everyone said either it had happened to them or someone they knew. People are understanding and it's also stopped people asking if we're trying when we're having kids etc. I still get the odd comment from random people who don't know but that's easier to brush off than the constant hounding from family etc.

Sending love op. My situation is no where near as tough as yours but I'm unable to have children normally like others and find the constant questions very hard so no wonder you do. I'd reply and tell them if I was you, then maybe they will think about what they say. X

Tell people.i hid my miscarriages for years and it was like a torture on my heart and mind everytime someone mentioned anything remotely to do with babies.when I told people I honestly felt so much better. I pretended I was fine for years I can remember literally having to blink back the tears. One day I could take no more. X

Hi uncomfortable truth
I’m sorry for your losses.
I don’t know if this is helpful but it has helped me to talk matter of factly about my previous experience of stillbirth now I am expecting again.
We since moved to a new area, people don’t know.
It’s come up as I’m getting extra scans etc and will be induced early.
Thankfully I’ve had time to process it so can reference my baby loss without crying etc.
I just say what happened and people have always accepted it and also my desire to quickly change topic.
Makes me feel better because my baby did exist and will always be in my memory and it’s a perfectly valid reason for whatever you need to do eg distance yourself from a baby shower etc.
You have been through a lot and should not have to pretend otherwise.
All the best for your pregnancy x

Op I understand what you mean completely.
My first child was born prematurely and is frankly very lucky to be here. I've since been diagnosed with pcos and have had 2 miscarriages in the last year. My condition has a 50% loss rate.
When people ask me when im having more or if he's my only one I tell them I have 3 children, the one who's here and my 2 angels. I don't care if people are uncomfortable with it as they are my children, not a dirty secret or something to be forgotten. I love all my babies equally. Be as open as you like op, its only be talking that we remove the stigma of loss, plus it helps with coping

If you tell people the truth they will stop asking such personal questions.
I'm so sorry you've had 9 miscarriages, I can't begin to understand how traumatic they must have been for you.

Wishing you all the best with your current pregnancy.