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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start telling the truth about pregnancy loss

51 replies

UncomfortableTruth · 18/09/2019 14:01

I've had a really rough time over the past few years. Myself and DH have been through 9 miscarriages at various stages.

I've got to a point where I'm just sick of pretending to be fine. Of lying when people ask if we want kids, when are we planning them etc... Of having to make excuses to avoid baby showers and gender reveals. Of my boss literally asking me outright if I'm pregnant when I just want to ask her a question about work.

AIBU to just start telling people the truth no matter how uncomfortable it makes them?

I'm sick of pretending like I have some awful dirty secret and that I can't discuss/mention it because it's awkward for everyone else.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/09/2019 15:37

I have pcos and lost seven prior to having my eight year old. It’s hell and I still feel it

Myriade · 18/09/2019 15:55

YANBU.
Tell people. And you can say it gently too for people you care about more (eg Im sorry I cant go to the baby shower. Ive had yet another miscarriage xx months ago and Im still very feeling very fragile).

Chirpychirpy3 · 18/09/2019 16:07

Slightly different for me as I haven’t had any miscarriages but it did take 3 years and a round of ivf to get my baby. At the time I told no one but I am now very open about what we went through to get her and especially when people ask when I’ll be having another. It helps me to talk about it and it has made others open up about their troubles to have a baby.

WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac · 18/09/2019 16:28

Talk about your losses. Call out the rude people who ask you about when you're starting a family.
Be honest and say why you won't be attending baby showers etc.
I was and it was libe

WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac · 18/09/2019 16:29

Liberating. Hit post too quick

lifecouldbeadream · 18/09/2019 16:33

I think the more people who talk about it, the easier it is for others to talk about it too. It’s a really common thing, but we’re all too scared to talk about it.

If you want to be blunt to ‘Karen’ then you should do it, over the years people have asked me all sorts of intrusive questions, and they should be prepared for whatever answer you give if they’re being nosy in the first place.

Flowers for your losses. Have been there many times myself and it is pants.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 18/09/2019 16:40

Be honest 💕 so sorry for what you’ve been through 💕

EL8888 · 18/09/2019 16:48

@UncomfortableTruth totally. I often want to say “not sure Karen, we have been trying for the best part of 1.5 years and had loads of tests. We have unexplained infertility. So who knows”.

EL8888 · 18/09/2019 16:49

Oh and l have never been a fan of baby showers. Even before all this then l used to refuse to go to them!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2019 16:53

If it makes life even a tiny bit easier to bear, then tell them. If they don't want to feel uncomfortable they shouldn't ask the question. Sometimes people deserve to feel uncomfortable

ConstantNameChanger12422 · 18/09/2019 16:57

Tell people OP.

Every single time someone asks me how many kids i have - i have a 30 second chat with myself in my head - do i tell people ive got two children? Or do i tell people that i have 3 children but my firstborn died 2 hours after he was born.

Somtimes i can bare the uncomfortable-ness of it all, but when i dont mention him i feel so guilty and horrible.

The more you talk about it the more you'll find many people have been through similar, its just not somthing people talk about

Blaanotnow · 18/09/2019 17:28

Some people are extremely rude. You don't have to copy them. Just tell the ones you want and possibly thoes who go over and beyond interrogate you. Yes, I been integrated by dm freind and I told dm and she stopped speaking to that freind (that was 4yr ago and she still not in contact). Some people are idiots or malicious and others are naive. You know the truth, you can educate some people with the truth and how their reaction is harmful.

Whatsername7 · 18/09/2019 17:52

Op, Ive not had things anywhere near as bad as you. One mc, one chemical pg. My mc happened at 13 weeks. I was forthright, I couldn't cope. 'Dont you think you ought to get on with number 2?' Was met with 'Actually, weve been trying for a year and I miscarried last month'. I wasnt snappy or short tempered (although I wanted to be) but I was that honest. My grandma repeatedly told me dd2 was my rainbow baby who made 'everything alright'. I put her straight with that too. It didnt make what we had lost 'alright'. Good luck, op. I hope everything goes well this time.Flowers

Cohle · 18/09/2019 17:59

I really sorry OP Thanks

You should absolutely tell the truth if you want to. People should know better than to ask questions about fertility/family planning if they aren't prepared for an uncomfortable response.

I bet your friends would want to know what you're going through so that they can support you and perhaps deal with baby showers etc in a more sensitive fashion.

Original poster
UncomfortableTruth · 18/09/2019 18:32

You don't have to copy them

Its not rude to tell someone the truth. Just because it makes that person uncomfortable doesn't make it rude.

The problem is that not many people want to hear the actual truth. They want you to stay quiet about it so that they don't have to feel awkward or embarrassed at asking such a sensitive question.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2019 18:57

Some people are extremely rude. You don't have to copy them
What????? Op is talking about honesty, what's rude about that?

alice90301 · 18/09/2019 19:29

The pain you feel is totally understandable and with the amount of loss you've experienced, you sound super strong to me.
I had 5 mc's and talked about all of them, sharing helped me. It was the only way I could move forward. If the person cares then they would want you to share, if they are not close, just nosy buggers, who cares if they are uncomfortable. You can take back control of the situation by not making yourself feel uncomfortable.

I truly wish you the best of luck, if its helpful I managed to have a child through ivf, so there is hope. I also came to a place where if the ivf didn't work I would still be happy and have a good life. Just do what you need to get through it. Xx

Blaanotnow · 18/09/2019 19:31

Sorry I phrased it wrong. Sometimes not all people will be symptomatic and some might try to minimise your pain so their pain appears bigger. Who has suffered more type of competition. From my own experience there is no winning with those type of people. Honesty is good but not all will respond the way you want to. Some people will clumsily say the wrong thing be prepared for everything. I personally cut contact with some toxic people. I hope I made myself more clear.

Crunchymum · 18/09/2019 19:33

Tell the truth as much as you want to and feel comfortable with. Start with telling your boss.

Maybe they'll keep their trap shut

(6 miscarriages here and all done without telling many people. But I did tell a good friend at work who eased the pressure when I needed to take time off for appts etc)

Fingers crossed this is your time. What is the plan with the hospital given your situation?

Flowers
QforCucumber · 18/09/2019 19:34

I'd tell people. My family, close friends and colleagues all know about both of my miscarriages, I had someone recently say we should be thinking about kids soon and I just said 'ah, I've lost 2 recently so we will see...' she apologised for not thinking before opening her mouth, then shared that she had lost 4 around having her ds. People just dont connect it up sometimes or think they're making conversation.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 18/09/2019 19:36

5 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics in 2 years I'm now infertile and complete done feeling like I should lie when people ask why I was off sick last month during my last ectopic

The more we talk about pregnancy loss the less taboo it will be. I've been pleasantly surprised by people who I've been open with and overwhelmed with the compassion I have received back from those people that you wouldn't normally think of telling - my boss, my work clients etc and most let down by those who I thought wouldn't be the first to offer support (like family and close friends)

MrsPeacockDidIt · 18/09/2019 19:42

I had a full term still birth after 4 rounds of IVF. I had counselling and one of the things she said to me was not to take on other people’s feelings of being uncomfortable, that I had enough to deal with taking care of my own feelings. Getting “permission” was liberating. I know people don’t always mean to be insensitive but their words still hurt the same and being open and honest might mean they don’t say the same things to someone else.

I very sorry to hear about all your losses.

elliejjtiny · 18/09/2019 19:58

Yanbu. I have had 3 miscarriages and it really sucks. I've also got 5 living children, 2 of whom were prem and have long term complications. Nobody wants to talk about that either, they just want to hear about the miracle babies who were born 3 months early but now they are over 6ft tall and play professional rugby.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/09/2019 20:13

I haven’t had a miscarriage but I have a “miscarriage story”. (Short version my pregnancy with ds was believed to be unviable but no one told ds. He is six now.)

It is obviously a very easy one to be open about as it has a happy ending and so I have been very open about it.

But what I’ve found is that so many people have their own story to tell. Whether it was infertility, a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth or a post birth loss so many of us have a story that we want to tell but don’t.

If you want to tell then do. I think you will find so many people looking relieved that they can also talk about it.

FaithInfinity · 18/09/2019 20:16

OP firstly I’m sorry for your losses. That must be so tough. Are you under a recurrent miscarriage clinic?

MrsPeacock Flowers for you and your baby.

My situation is somewhat different in that I didn’t have any miscarriages but it did take us almost 3 years to conceive. We had primary infertility, conceived after some medical interventions and then after DD was born, we have had secondary infertility too. After trying to keep things private in the early days, I have found a simple yet fairly blunt approach the easiest way. With the primary infertility, I started saying that while we would like a child, things were complicated so we weren’t sure if it would happen for us. Now I just say that we’d have loved another but we had fertility issues and it’s not going to happen for us. That shuts most of the horrible nosy people up. Some people then share their own stories. Of course we still get the unsolicited advice - would we try IVF, could we not adopt 🤦‍♀️ ‘Oh we never thought of that!’ but it’s easier than hiding it. It’s also meant that some people having difficulties after us have come to us for advice which is nice.