To just not give a fuck about my Mum’s hurt feelings?

[AngeIoMysterioso]

I’ve posted before about my tricky relationship with my DM... she can be ridiculously insensitive and thoughtless, but recently I can’t help feeling that she’s really taking the piss.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and at the end of August DH and I were forced to pull out of a property purchase and move in with his parents (whole woe-is-me thread about that sorry episode here, if anyone’s interested).

When I told my Mother that we’d lost the flat we’d been planning to start our family in, she actually cheered. As in literally went “hooraaaaaaay!!” down the phone. Because she didn’t like the place we were buying. I told her that we were still selling our flat and were going to move in with my PILs and she asked why we weren’t going to move in with her. It just made a lot more sense for us to come to PILs- they have a lot more space and lived a mile and a half away from us, so we were able to put most of our stuff in storage round the corner and DHs commute is only about 20 minutes longer and costs the same. My Mum lives in a tiny 2 bed flat 35 miles away and DHs commute would have been more than twice as long and about 3 times as expensive. I explained all this to her and she just said “Oh... I’m always missing out aren’t I?” I wasn’t even surprised that that was her response, in fact I’d put off having the conversation with her for several days because I knew that she would say something like that.

It’s come up several times since... her saying how hard it is for her knowing someone else is looking after her pregnant daughter, asking if we’d ever really considered going to hers, etc etc...

So we come to Sunday. I’ve been doing a fair bit of baby shopping recently and was telling her about the stuff we’ve got, the stuff we still need to get and so on, and mentioned that we're planning on getting two nappy bins, one for downstairs and one for our bedroom, and that I’m giving serious thought to getting a mini fridge so we can keep expressed milk in our bedroom as well. She asked why, and said a bit of lazyitis is costing a lot of money... I said it was less about lazyitis and more about not wanting to go tramping down two flights of stairs and disturbing PILs every time we need to throw out nappies or retrieve expressed milk in the middle of the night. Her response was “Oh... I didn’t think you were planning to still be there and catering for it.” I replied that obviously we are hoping to be out by the time baby gets here (have had an offer accepted on another property) but it’s 99% likely we’ll still be here.

Spoke to her yesterday on the phone, and she was talking about how her depression has been so much worse after what I told her on Sunday... that she’s missing out again, how MIL will be so involved with the baby while she’s so far away, how hard it is going to be for her to get to us when we move, how she’d been hoping to be at the hospital within an hour of the baby being born (even though I’ve already told her I won’t want visitors so soon- that was the topic of another thread) and she thinks she’ll struggle with the journey so PILs will probably see the baby before her (we’re still planning on delivering in the town we’re moving to which is about an hour away), and so on and so on. Today she sent me a message telling me she’d met up with two of her friends “and they completely understood why I was upset. It’s just that you’re my baby and I want to look after you when you have your baby. My sister has said she’ll pay for a taxi for me to visit you so I can stop worrying”.

I haven’t answered. I feel bad for thinking it, but I just don’t have the capacity to give a shit about how hard this is for her right now. I’m having enough trouble keeping my own mental health in check (I’ve also struggled a lot with depression in the past). What’s upsetting me is stuff like how I’ll be getting to grips with breastfeeding and dealing with the physical aftermath of childbirth whilst living in my PILs house... how it’s making me feel that DH and I are sleeping in what was formerly BILs bedroom with pictures of him all over the walls and his stuff everywhere (I’ve no problem with BIL at all, it just reinforces the fact that this is not our home) in bedsheets that don’t belong to us and my laundry smells all wrong because it’s washed in detergent I don’t usually use... how I’m washing all my baby’s clothes because I want them to smell like me, but my own clothes don’t even smell like me anymore.^ How upset I got when our pram arrived today and I was so excited for DH to get home so we could put it together and give it a push round the kitchen... he asked if it could wait til after dinner, in the meantime MIL gets home and says we should just open the box, check all the bits are there and then put the box in the garage, so it’s now sitting under a dust sheet in the garage. How I’m not getting to choose my baby’s Moses basket or bouncer chair because my MIL has already bought them, along with way more clothes than we’ve bought ourselves... I know all these things are fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I should just be grateful and I am, but it’s really starting to take its toll. But of course I can’t talk to my own bloody Mother about all this, because she so preoccupied with how much of a struggle it is for her^.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve by starting a thread about it... just having a rant I suppose.

It sound fairly normal of a mother tbh. Yes of course she should just be thinking of you and what you need, however I think most mothers would be upset if their daughter, going through having her first child, is choosing PIL to stay. Nothing wrong with you wanting that, but not much wrong with your mother saying she’s upset.

Do you think that she cares about you? Do you deep down care about her?

It sounds as if, and I could be wrong, that you do have a fairly close relationship with your mother, but that the boundary lines are a bit skewed and she is over invested in your life, and too opinionated and not tactful enough. I wouldn’t be going full blown ‘she’s a narcissist’ yet.

I think it could be worth ‘teaching her’ to give you more of the relationship that you want. Like now, as you do seem to talk regularly, tell her that you understand that she’s upset, but that you also need her to back you up sometimes, even if she doesn’t totally agree. And that you won’t share with her details of stuff that you are buying, etc, if all you get is criticism.

Then also tell her that you do love her and want her to share in your experience of having the baby but say exactly how. And that no PIL can replace her. She might need to hear that.

I think the Ring Theory that @RightYesButNo posted is very useful.

I also think you need to stop sharing so much information with your mother. You're sharing an awful lot of information that she really really doesn't need to be privy to with her, even as throwaway comments in a conversation.
If she didn't have these pieces of information, she wouldn't be able to keep harping on about how your inlaws are doing so much more for her daughter ( and their son and their grandchild too).

If she complains about distance, why don't you say "Well, you know mum, if you're that concerned about it and you were that interested in it, you could move" but only and I mean only say something like that if you actually want her to move closer to you. Otherwise just zone out and say "Oh that's nice" or something equally banal and move on to something else to say.

I said it was less about lazyitis and more about not wanting to go tramping down two flights of stairs and disturbing PILs every time we need to throw out nappies or retrieve expressed milk in the middle of the night

You do realise your breasts will be right there and you can just feed the baby directly? There’s no need for mini fridges, expressed milk, or tramping up and down stairs in the night. Plus everything @mathanxiety said about feeding at night for supply.

You do sound very pfb. Get your own place. A 1 bed 6 month let will do until you get sorted.

As pp said you won’t need half the stuff you think you do.

Of course she sounds PFB. It is her PFB! And just like us all, she has to find her own path, and find out how much she does or doesn't need, she's trying to see into her crystal ball and prepare for all eventualities, and right now her living situation is getting her down and she's not where she thought she'd be, or hoped she'd be, and doesn't have the mental energy to stiff upper lip it and manage everyone else's feelings as well as her own.

Hang in there OP, things will right themselves.

This sound like my ex's mother. What a nightmare. She also cheered when things went wrong for him if she didn't like whatever he was doing. Everything he does is "stupid" - every little decision is analyzed and criticized. She started on me too - it was absolutely hell.
This is the main reason why he is an ex.

He is only mentally well when he has absolute minimum contact with his parents and my mental health has improved beyond all imagination since I am rid of the whole family.
I think sometimes people don't realize how wearing this constant drip drip drip of criticism is - even when each individual incident seems like nothing.

I don't think you should go non-contact or low contact with your mother but I think you should avoid discussing things like nappy bins with her. If you've made a decision and that's what you want to do, no point in mentioning things like this to her as she will only pick at it and it causes conflict.
Ignore any of the emotional blackmail stuff "I'm always missing out aren't I?" Just present things as fact and not up for discussion. "It's not an ideal situation but we are going to be living with the in-laws until we move into our flat". Keep repeating the same sentence every time she counters it with something.
You don't have any choice so that's what's happening. End of story. There is nothing anyone can do about it.
From what you have posted here I think it wouldn't be that easy to just move out into a rental property and it would be expensive to do so plus the upheaval of moving twice isn't worth it.

What did you say to her when she "cheered" about you losing the flat? She needs to be told that that is unacceptable.

I really feel for you op, that's a tough situation to be in, and yanbu to not give a shit about how your mum feels.

I wonder whether it would be possible for you dp to have a word with pil and ask if they would consider staying in a hotel for a night or two when you are bringing the baby home, if you can afford to offer to pay for it? It would just give you a day or two to have together with the baby.

Otherwise, focus on the fact that you are taking steps to have your own home. It won't be too long now. You can look forward to the first night you will have together as a family in your new place, and all of this period will just be a memory.

You will get there

The mini fridge idea is bonkers. No one wants to be expressing milk in the wee small hours unless they HAVE to be. Just BF baby.

Your mother just sounds like she's being honest about her feelings. It must be difficult for her to know that baby will be living with its other grandparents. She's being a bit over the top with coming to the hospital and there's no way you could move in with her. But it doesn't stop her being slightly upset about the situation.

If you don't want her opinions. Stop telling her stuff.

I think you should be honest with your Mum.

I agree that rather than pull up your MIL you are going on the attack towards your Mum.

By the sounds of it the last thing you want is to isolate yourself and be dealing with your Mil on your own.

You need to get assertive. Don't let her tell you not to do something. Tell your DH that you want the pram putting together and if he quites his Mother on anything, ask him who is wife is and who he's having the baby with.

I think you need to deal with this head on:

"Look Mum, the situation isn't something I have chosen and it's very far from ideal. You are thinking only of yourself here, without giving a thought to how I feel about having a new baby in someone else's house. I don't like living with MIL - I don't feel at home, but I'm putting up and shutting up and making the best of it, because it's the only practical solution. So why can't you do that too? It's all about you, you, you - think of someone else for a change!"

we’re still planning on delivering in the town we’re moving to which is about an hour away
You're an hour from the hospital you're planning on delivery in? What if you need to go to hospital in rush hour?

I think you're all being a bit ridiculous. You, your DM & DMIL are being over the top, only about different things. I'd look at a short term rental - we stayed with my PIL for three weeks while I was heavily pregnant and we were getting work done on the house, I was so relieved to get back to my own space.

Why would you need to fetch expressed milk in the night? One of the main advantages of BF is not having to get up in the night and wander around the house, getting cold.

I think you're being a teenshy bit hard on your mother. Of course everyone needs to be supporting you, and the ring theory is very helpful, but along with all the wonderful side of motherhood is the sad feeling that once you've done your child-rearing nobody gives a fuck about you. The years after your children move out can be very traumatic for women - you've changed your life completely in order to care for children, but they've now moved on with their lives and you're left stranded, your old life gone, not knowing what your function is any more.

Spare a thought for your mother. I really don't like the instant jump to 'she's a narcissist'. She may be just wanting to be near her child. It will happen to you one day!

I would also forget about the mini fridge. Expressing isn't recommended in the first six weeks.

She sounds like my MIL
A simple thing we did which helped, was stop telling her things- the minutiae of life- then she is unable to comment negatively. Might be a bit harder with DM though as you'll be closer to her.

Oh god, as someone who is 40 weeks pregnant, and luckily managed to complete on a house 3 weeks ago, but with a real risk of it falling through, and being 'homeless' I very much empathise. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Firstly, at this stage of your pregnancy, start being selfish. You will be honestly shocked at how much more everyone around you treats you with more respect when you just do what you feel like when you feel like it. Plus it's the only time in your life that you can get away with blaming everything on hormones!

If you want to buy something, then do it. If you want your own Moses basket, or bouncer, or bin, then why are you discussing it? The only person it affects are you and DH, and I can't obviously say what yours is like but mine is very much of the whatever you need love variety now! It's your money.

For your MIL, can you get her involved in doing what you want? You want your babies clothes smelling a certain way, ask her if she wants to help you do a baby wash in fairy as you e heard it's the best for little one, hang it all on the line and fold it away- everyone loves teeny tiny baby clothes!

You need some space, book a Travelodge for the weekend.

Your mum complains at you, then tell her you can't cope with it right now and you're going to hang up on her if she doesn't stop it. When she says she's coming to the hospital, no you're not mum, you're not invited! We'll see you when we're ready. If she complains, tell her you won't bother letting her know if she carries on.

You hold all of the cards, use them!

OP I've just read your other thread about your DH not wanting to rent.

If you don't find anything to buy and your PILs isn't suiting you, put your foot down on that as well.

Of course PILs will suit your DH, but it might not be the best place for you, if MIL thinks she gets a say.

I do understand what you mean about your mum and she sounds draining. BUT, you have a choice here. You can ignore, you can cut her out more, you can bite back or you can involve her.

You said you need more things for the baby and you said you need storage space for things. She has a spare bedroom - can you ask her if you could put a few things that will be needed later for the baby? Like a cot or travel cot for when you go on holiday or visit her? A box of spare clothes for later in baby's life? Mention to her about the washing powder thing and I'll bet she'll wash everything in the one you use so she can be seen as good grannie! Explain that you'll pick them up when the new place goes through but you'd really appreciate it if she could help. And is there equipment she could buy? Like a travel cot (as mentioned before). Like some baby blankets for when you come to visit. Maybe a changing mat to keep at hers. First it means you have spare equipment there rather than lugging it over every time you visit her with baby and it'll make her feel part of the plans plus she'll get the hint that you will be visiting.

She's feeling left out, you're feeling (rightfully) stressed and your PIL are probably also feeling excited but slightly concerned about a new born in the house and not knowing when they'll get their home back (hence the pram in the shed) I know, at that point in my life, I would love the idea of a grandchild in the house in theory but the amount of 'stuff' I know from our DS 'cluttering' up my now 'adult' house would irk me a little bit.

So everyone is feeling a bit in limbo at the moment. That will change. A few people have suggested a short term rental. That may not be a bad idea if you can afford it. Is the property you're interested in chain free? If not it may take some time to go through. A short term lease could give you that space you obviously crave to get to know your own baby. It's nice to be able to shut your front door and say your out if people want to come round.

As for not telling her about your MIL woes. Why not? My mum had a 'sour lemon' face she'd use if we spoke about things that made her feel out of our lives. But she did love to have a little gossip about what we felt like about PIL etc., It made her feel like a confidant which is what most parents want to be to their kids.

As for the fridge etc., I understand where you're coming from. When DS was born we were up every few hours for feeds (he was bottle fed) and a change. Even with just us three in the house it felt like a herd of elephants moving about the place at 2am! When the house is quiet you just want to get things done quickly and you've got the added issue with being in someone else's house. When we travelled to stay with my MIL we were tip toeing at that time of night and she lived in a bungalow! So the thought of getting downstairs, fast, with two flights would bother me too.

But you do need to bear in mind that you need to breastfeed regularly to get the milk through (so I believe from the short time I did it) so what's the expressed milk for? Some women do express and their DH take over a feed so they can sleep. But if the fridge is in your room you'll be disturbed anyway so breastfeeding would be easier at that point. Just something to think about. If you do go down that route with the fridge don't forget you need to warm the milk - you don't go from cold so you'll need a bottle warmer or similar.

Hopefully this will all come right very soon and you'll be in your own home. Meanwhile, use the fact that your mum wants to be involved. Give her some jobs! It'll keep her busy, you'll get some help and she'll feel wanted.

Sorry not read any posts but you really don't need a nappy bin, everyone I knew thought they were a complete waste of time and mad things more difficult. Get scented nappy bags (but keep well away from baby) and a normal bin for upstairs and a outside bin for downstairs.

OP, I think you feel a little out of control and are focusing on the wrong things (nappy bins and mini fridges) rather than facing the big picture.

I can see your mum's point - certainly in the short term she is not going to have as much time with her grandchild as your inlaws. You should have pulled her up about the comment on the flat falling through ('that is really mean, we loved that flat and it's upsetting for me to hear you say that').

I had one of the twisty-wrap type nappy bins (I know this isn't the one you were thinking about) and I liked it but I do seem to be in a minority! But just focus on the new place and I hope the buying process runs smoothly for you

I agree your Mum sounds overbearing, and the MIL thing is real - but why can’t you use the bed sheets you own already, you must have some? Or get a couple of sets from primark or something? In every house share I’ve had I did my own laundry separately and had my own detergent etc, that’s a really easy fix (I know you aren’t in a house share as such). Could small changes like that help you feel more in control?

Tp be honest, I get her point about missing out. Perhaps she was a bit melodramatic in the way she expressed it, but of course she is going to be jealous that the other mum gets to see her grandchild every day. I would have been far more tactful than you have about this situation, and put it to her very gently, sat her down and explained why, not just dropped it on her. That's what I would have appreciated if the tables were turned, just a bit of compassion. I know it's not your problem, but it's nice to look out for people's feelings when you know something might upset them, no matter how stupid it might be.

I have a very similar relationship/issue with my mum. She is incredibly self absorbed and needy. This seems to have increased since I have had children. My in-laws live much closer so they tend to do any babysitting, because it is so much easier and my children enjoy being with them more (my mum is very needy with my children too, constantly trying to hug them and asking them if they love her). I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with this issue, and I know how stressful it is.

I agree with what pps have said about handling your mum. With your MIL, it's perfectly understandable for you to want to choose and provide everything for your baby.i have shopaholic MIL and SIL who buy all sorts for DS without consulting us, including things like Christmas stockings etc which have really overstepped the mark for me.

However try to remember that you'll be in your own place soon, and you will get ALL the firsts then. For first borns it's hard to think beyond birth and the first month, but in reality it's a marathon not a sprint and you will be mummy, first and foremost, getting those smiles, snuggles and major milestones all to yourself, from birth until adult and beyond x

Honestly OP, I kind of get the feeling from your tone, and the fact that you've made at least three full threads about your situation, that you kind of enjoy the drama/being a martyr/making things a big deal.

I know lots of women are very precious about their pregnancies, especially PFB, but to get upset that your MIL has bought you baby stuff is ridiculous. Similarly that she moved a large, bulky item to a more convenient place in her own home.

Your Mother sounds clingy for sure, but you are coming across like everything should be 110% focused around you, because you're pregnant.

I agree you are focusing on the wrong things. Don’t buy a fridge. You won’t need it atm. You intend to breastfeed but you don’t know what is in store for you.

My priority would be renting a small flat tbh. I get the argument about it being dead money. However your mental health is more important than a few thousand and your husband should be supporting you on this. He isn’t going through this experience, you are and it sounds as if staying with your in laws are getting you down and some personal space would be great. You are saving by not having a mortgage therefore renting is 100% possible.

Bottom line you need to stop acting like a victim and complaining and start acting as a fully fledged adult, who has rights and choices.

What were her experiences of pregnancy with you (or if you weren't her first-born, with her first-born)? It's amazing how things trip back. Sorry you're having this stressful time and that the flat fell through. I wonder though whether your mum in her own way is actually tuning in to a possibility that you're not all that happy about having to move in with your in-laws, also how this might cause problems further down the line, and in her own getting-it-wrong-while-trying-to-get-it-right way, trying to get you to consider this? However well-intentioned grandparents are they do tend to take over once a new baby comes along, and if you're in their home you and hubby might find it much harder to form an independent parenthood for yourself. Similarlys she'd be having to visit her daughter and grandaughter on their terms. Wouldn't renting a one-bedroom flat for a year be easier all round? Mothers are difficult full stop - that's what makes us who we are and important in our kids' lives - and pregnancy is an emotional time. It may all just blow over and work out fine. Good luck anyway.