To just not give a fuck about my Mum’s hurt feelings?

[AngeIoMysterioso]

I’ve posted before about my tricky relationship with my DM... she can be ridiculously insensitive and thoughtless, but recently I can’t help feeling that she’s really taking the piss.

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and at the end of August DH and I were forced to pull out of a property purchase and move in with his parents (whole woe-is-me thread about that sorry episode here, if anyone’s interested).

When I told my Mother that we’d lost the flat we’d been planning to start our family in, she actually cheered. As in literally went “hooraaaaaaay!!” down the phone. Because she didn’t like the place we were buying. I told her that we were still selling our flat and were going to move in with my PILs and she asked why we weren’t going to move in with her. It just made a lot more sense for us to come to PILs- they have a lot more space and lived a mile and a half away from us, so we were able to put most of our stuff in storage round the corner and DHs commute is only about 20 minutes longer and costs the same. My Mum lives in a tiny 2 bed flat 35 miles away and DHs commute would have been more than twice as long and about 3 times as expensive. I explained all this to her and she just said “Oh... I’m always missing out aren’t I?” I wasn’t even surprised that that was her response, in fact I’d put off having the conversation with her for several days because I knew that she would say something like that.

It’s come up several times since... her saying how hard it is for her knowing someone else is looking after her pregnant daughter, asking if we’d ever really considered going to hers, etc etc...

So we come to Sunday. I’ve been doing a fair bit of baby shopping recently and was telling her about the stuff we’ve got, the stuff we still need to get and so on, and mentioned that we're planning on getting two nappy bins, one for downstairs and one for our bedroom, and that I’m giving serious thought to getting a mini fridge so we can keep expressed milk in our bedroom as well. She asked why, and said a bit of lazyitis is costing a lot of money... I said it was less about lazyitis and more about not wanting to go tramping down two flights of stairs and disturbing PILs every time we need to throw out nappies or retrieve expressed milk in the middle of the night. Her response was “Oh... I didn’t think you were planning to still be there and catering for it.” I replied that obviously we are hoping to be out by the time baby gets here (have had an offer accepted on another property) but it’s 99% likely we’ll still be here.

Spoke to her yesterday on the phone, and she was talking about how her depression has been so much worse after what I told her on Sunday... that she’s missing out again, how MIL will be so involved with the baby while she’s so far away, how hard it is going to be for her to get to us when we move, how she’d been hoping to be at the hospital within an hour of the baby being born (even though I’ve already told her I won’t want visitors so soon- that was the topic of another thread) and she thinks she’ll struggle with the journey so PILs will probably see the baby before her (we’re still planning on delivering in the town we’re moving to which is about an hour away), and so on and so on. Today she sent me a message telling me she’d met up with two of her friends “and they completely understood why I was upset. It’s just that you’re my baby and I want to look after you when you have your baby. My sister has said she’ll pay for a taxi for me to visit you so I can stop worrying”.

I haven’t answered. I feel bad for thinking it, but I just don’t have the capacity to give a shit about how hard this is for her right now. I’m having enough trouble keeping my own mental health in check (I’ve also struggled a lot with depression in the past). What’s upsetting me is stuff like how I’ll be getting to grips with breastfeeding and dealing with the physical aftermath of childbirth whilst living in my PILs house... how it’s making me feel that DH and I are sleeping in what was formerly BILs bedroom with pictures of him all over the walls and his stuff everywhere (I’ve no problem with BIL at all, it just reinforces the fact that this is not our home) in bedsheets that don’t belong to us and my laundry smells all wrong because it’s washed in detergent I don’t usually use... how I’m washing all my baby’s clothes because I want them to smell like me, but my own clothes don’t even smell like me anymore.^ How upset I got when our pram arrived today and I was so excited for DH to get home so we could put it together and give it a push round the kitchen... he asked if it could wait til after dinner, in the meantime MIL gets home and says we should just open the box, check all the bits are there and then put the box in the garage, so it’s now sitting under a dust sheet in the garage. How I’m not getting to choose my baby’s Moses basket or bouncer chair because my MIL has already bought them, along with way more clothes than we’ve bought ourselves... I know all these things are fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I should just be grateful and I am, but it’s really starting to take its toll. But of course I can’t talk to my own bloody Mother about all this, because she so preoccupied with how much of a struggle it is for her^.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve by starting a thread about it... just having a rant I suppose.

Listening to your DMs woes are not doing you any good but in fact are not doing DM any good. You cannot fix her issues, don't take them on. Reduce contact - you didn't choose to be in the position of living with ILs - it's bad of her to use this to distress you.
You need to speak up more, to Dm and DMIL - probably having a selfish and self obsessed DM has made you put others feelings first always. Start putting yourself and LO first, plan your responses. Is there new mums classes you can join so you can discuss things there and have less conversation with DM and DMIL?

Is it possible to draw some boundaries with MIL too as it sounds like that situation really isn't helping either.

Agree with this.

At the very time you need to feel safe in your own "nest" to have your baby, you are effectively having to "squat" and follow someone else's rules.

I can totally understand why you feel so down. You really just need your own space.

Rent quick

Just to say a lot of people are focussing on the nappy bin/fridge thing. I didn’t know there was such a thing as actual Nappy Bins, I literally just meant a cheap bin with a lid (or two) to put dirty nappies in overnight. And if bf-ing/expressing doesn’t work out obvs won’t bother with a fridge.

As per pps, my first thought was rent somewhere until you can move. I think I would do that even if it means pulling out of the property you've put an offer on.

OP, your mum has been unsupportive (cheering when your flat purchase fell through is mean) but she doesn’t know how you feel.

Maybe if you said, Mum I don’t want to live with PIL, it’s very awkward for me, she’d understand you’re not having a brilliant time without her.

Perhaps you could even say “please stop telling me how hard this situation is for you. It’s hard for me, and hearing you complain about it makes it worse.”

I don't know if renting is the right move. OPs had a lot of upheaval, moving house yet again would probably add to her stress.

People on MN always say 'move house!' as though that's an easy and inexpensive thing to do.

I totally get the nesting instinct and why it's driving her nuts to be in someone else's space and not being able to set things up to her taste. (I remember making my DH paint a faintly stained wall in our study when I was 30 something weeks pregnant...even though we were due to move out in a month. ) Hormones can make you think these things are more important than they are. It's probably not worth moving over. And in the course of OP's life as a mother who choose the Moses basket and the decor in BILs room etc won't matter much.

Saving money will matter, buying their own home will matter, having a secure place to live will matter, having family support will matter, paying off their own home faster because they saved a year in rent will matter.

If OP can stand it, she's probably better off staying put. Once the baby arrives, she'll have other things on her mind, so it's just a matter of coping with it until then.

Good luck op, I hope your offer goes through and you're in your own place soon.

You sound a bit of a victim OP. You've posted about your DM before and had good advice but not taken it. You do not need to wait for someone to diagnose her with NPD before you take action to protect yourself and your baby from her.

Stop telling her all this detail. Stop engaging with her. Google the grey rock technique.

Meanwhile just buy some bloody laundry powder and stop with the pity party. You're an adult. Yes this situation is not how you wanted it. Yes it's stressful. But you can make the best of it.

Tbh you sound just as dramatic as your mother does, sorry. Both sounds a bit like a case of "misery love company".

I think it would be a good idea to move to a (any) small flat!

If you want to make BIL's room more like your own, surely you can take down the photos of him from the walls, put his stuff in the garage with your pram ? If you feel hesitant to do it, get DH to do it - it's his brother's old room so surely he can make a few changes so you don't feel like a squatter ?

I think you’re the one who sounds mean. Sorry but your mum just sounds depressed and lonely. People love to throw the word ‘narcissist’ around to fit people into fucking boxes.
Have you ever considered that your mum just misses and loves you and that she wants to spend time with her daughter and new baby?

Check yourself.

Your mother sounds very draining, text back saying that's good news about the taxi if it makes you feel happier, ignore everything else. FWIW DS never used the Moses basket MIL bought and he wasn't much of a fan of his bouncer, you know what he lived more than anything else? Being cuddled by his mummy, no one can take that away, your baby will love trust more than anything anyone buys him/her. Your PIL actually sound very nice and DM has all those things at her house for when we visit (had them since eldest DN was born) so we didn't have to lug things around to visit, which sounds like you're MIL intention. I have found that my baby doesn't smell like me anyway, he has his own smell, you we there things in baby suitable detergent and softener that your probably don't use on your own clothes, add in whichever bubble bath, nappy cream and mousturiser you choose for them and they won't smell like you as you use different products. Things have been stressful lately, take a breath, but some lovely baby toiletries (child's farm are really nice) and look forward to using them on your baby and getting into your own home as soon as you can. In the meantime put your feet up and enjoy the benefits of living in someone else's home (no cleaning the dishwasher filter/toilet etc)

Ooh don't know where my paragraphs went...

Oh and you should tell her that you’re not enjoying staying at you ILs because she is having images of you all having a ball whilst she is alone and unwanted.

Plus, as you can see from other posters, the nappy bin and mini fridge idea did make you sound lazy so it wasn’t your mothers fault to assume any different.

I get that it's stressful OP, but you do sound a bit precious about certain things, especially the pram and the laundry. It must be a massive upheaval for your in laws to have you and DH and a new baby in their house plus all of the associated equipment. I understand that it is disappointing not to be in your own home, but I do think you could be a little more grateful and a bit less resentful. If you are in BIL's room, it is reasonable to expect that he will have some personal items and photographs there. And you are lucky to be in a position to purchase a property, many are not so fortunate. But you feel as you feel, just as your mother feels how she feels.

YANBU, your mother sounds like a twat.
I'm going to do my usual and recommend the Toxic Parents book and the Stately Homes thread.
Good luck with finding a new house.

It does sound like you exclude your mother from a really special moment in family life. Have you considered inviting her baby shopping with you? Sometimes I think this "my mother is awful" stuff is a fad. It's sort of cool to go LC or NC with family to "cut the toxic out your life". You just need to look on social media to see thousands of related memes. Sometimes we just need to accept that people are not perfect,it takes a village to raise a child and you'll need what help you can get considering you're this stressed about what are really 1st world problems. You've got a roof over your head, enough money to consider buying not one but two nappy bins and a family who is supportive. Some people would die to have those things for a weekend.

Classic narcissist! Have a look at the website Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It was a life changer for me.

I’m just sending you some flowers and a big hug. Everyone has a right to do all that baby stuff their own way, but you’re unexpectedly living with the PIL while your own mum is being an unsupportive PITA. It’s not fair. Yes it could be much worse but it’s not what you’d planned for.

Chin up, pick out some of the really good advice up the thread about making things a bit more your own, be nice but firm about what you want to do and get that pushchair out of its box and have a play. Longer term have a good hard think about how best to manage your relationship with your mum - she’s not going to change.

More .

Move out and rent, potentially closer to your OH’s work.
You need your own space for your mental health.
Try and get as much newborn stuff second hand / borrow. It barely gets used; so anything you buy will be in good nick. Smaller the baby; the more equipment you seem to acquire.
LC with your mum. / strict boundaries about visitors at hospital / when you get home.
Your mil won’t buy you so much stuff if you’re not in the house.

And tell your mil to stop buying stuff you want to buy!! Why do so may grandparents do that if the parents have said no?

According to Mumsnet, pretty much anyone who doesn't behave perfectly is a narcissist. It's wearing.

I think you simply need to point out to your mum how much this situation is out of control, that it isn't what you want, and that you hate it. You're not playing happy families with the inlaws, and it's really hard to hear her whinge about her side of it.

To some degree I can understand her disappointment. I think I'd feel uncomfortable/sad/left out if my daughter (due in a few weeks) was living with the inlaws. But she needs to understand that her disappointment is nothing compared to yours, and that she need to keep her feelings to herself.

It sounds as though you're unhappy about being in MILs and she's massively overstepping boundaries but rather than address those issues, you're directing all your frustration and anger at your DM.
In a way your DM's reluctance about you staying at MILs is echoed in all the problems you're already finding with living there (ie MIL deciding when the pram is opened; MIL buying the Moses basket and the clothes, etc).
You could bond with your DM over all this. You don't need to pretend this is the perfect solution. I think that duality isn't helping you. Admit to DM that it's not ideal. That you would prefer she was coming to visit you in your house, etc.
And tbh I wouldn't be planning the number of nappy bins based on DMIL's house. I'd be focusing as much as possible on moving out.

Take the advice I wish I’d given myself when I was expecting my first - establish boundaries with both sets of parents.

Tell your mum, calmly but firmly, that you do not want any visitors at the hospital at all (or will wait to see how the birth goes and your DH will call to let both sets of parents know when to visit). Let your mum know this applies to the ILs too, and she is not to rock up in a taxi an hour after you’ve given birth. I was ignored by both sets of parents who forced their way in straight after birth, and it really negatively impacted my mental health and ruined the early days with the baby.

I agree with the PPs above that you explain to your mum you aren’t loving the living situation but that it’s practical and she’s stressing you out by complaining. Reassure her she’ll get plenty of opportunities for private time with the baby.

I know the more she plays the victim the more you’ll want to push her away. But reassuring her that she’ll be included- within your firm boundaries- might be what gives her the relief to back off a bit.