Is your mum supportive and emotionally available?

[Shangrilala]

I don’t feel I’ve ever had that special close bond/relationship with my own mother. She’s critical, judgey, defensive and very much close minded/emotionally unavailable.
I’m a mother too now and in my early forties. I’ve had issues my whole life with intimacy, self acceptance and body image. Depression featured heavily in my teenage years. Alcohol came later. Now chronic anxiety.
It’s dawning in me (albeit too late) that my unfulfilling relationship with my mother has basically screwed all this for me

ThingsImighthavedone it is all possible still trying to figure it out I have only come to my realisations few months ago.

Thank you for reading my post and responding. I wish you all the strength too.

@namechangetheworld your example made me remember a similar incident at a similar age. Awful. I can still feel the pain in my gut when I think of it.

Someone on mumsnet recently recommended the book 'adult children of emotionally immature parents'. I bought it and raced through it. One of the things that resonated was that research shows along the lines of 'its not what happened to that determines whether you'll be able to move on from it but that you process it's ie you don't have to be unhappy/the same parent as your mum etc etc that was very freeing. When I look back over the past few years that's exactly what I've been doing really, exercise, meditation, exploring my feelings. On occasion I can even feel compassion for my mum-how sad to be emotionally cut off like that! I love talking to my kids, listening to them and look forward to a good relationship with them in adulthood. I'm lucky in that I've got a mum like relationship with my MIL and that has been great. Also seeing how often my husband speaks to his parents and they genuinely enjoy each other's company (with normal family stuff going on too-theyre not perfect!). So I think hope exists for not recreating these patterns.

MIL and that has been great.

You know one of the reasons I was soooo into DH was because his mother was so loving towards me. But things turned out soo badly.. I know this makes me look like a bad person because now there is two mums that hate me. She keeps saying she loves me but has been really abusive towards me and I then realised all the love while I was dating DH was a show.

In any case.. I was so hurt because to me all I wanted was a love of s family.. I was so hurt when it all broke down and I was rejected. I couldn’t figure out why I was sooo desperate for her to love me and approve of me.. to experience that love again..

That’s when I realised and tapped into the fact I have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother and was desperately seeking it from external sources. I was emotionally naive because I never had the chance to mature those emotions..

At times I felt like leaving DH solely for the purpose of his family because I couldn’t take the rejection. It’s childish but to me the persons familt loving me was a major factor in wanting to settle with them..

I then realised how terribly immature I am and decided to deal with the route of the issue.. and I’m trying to do that now.

However.. I do wonder, how much I’m missing out on. Everyday.. and I hope I find my source of maternal affection sometimes soon somewhere.

I think I want to forgive my mother.. and I want to forgive my mother in law.. and I want to acceot that their resentment towards me is real but not my fault.

I wonder those of you ladies who don’t have a MIL to compensate, where did you find a mother-daughter replacement ?

I used to be immensely attached to my school teachers which made me a high achiever. Worked to my advantage. But once school finished I went out with older friends and so on.

But truth is there is no one like a mother.. who would do anything for her daughter. Who would be there for her.. who would have her best interest at heart.

We can’t go to strangers for that.. I’ve tried and I fell for manipulative users in the process...

I wanted to believe in any gesture of affection..

I never wanted to accept my mother resents me because I found it easier to blame myself and think there is hope that I misunderstood and that she has an angelic heart that loves me but I’m unable to see it..

I carried that naivety with me throughout all my friendships with women who showed me a bit of care.. I became such an easy target and a people pleaser for users and manipulators.

Part of me is so glad I realised where the source of all this have come from.. and come out of my denial.. but it’s so hard. Because I have to accept a lot of things about my life this far. Like it’s all been a lie, that I had lied to myself

One of the things that resonated was that research shows along the lines of 'its not what happened to that determines whether you'll be able to move on from it but that you process it's ie you don't have to be unhappy/the same parent as your mum etc etc that was very freeing.

It’s really good to have that as Hope. But I’m wondering how did the book suggest we process it?

My mum was always distant.i can't remember her being kind ( but she wasn't ever cruel) ...the feeling that my mum would do anything to protect me. Something I made sure my children felt - they are 30 plus and know I would do anything and everything to help them.

She was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago and since has become more supportive and is trying hard to put me and my siblings first ( sometimes) for a change. When we are hurting she has stopped the 'what about me' stuff. She asks how we are feeling and how can she help.
Not quite sure if this is the dementia or she has realised she needs to connect with us as time is now limited.
TBH I am not bothered...I am enjoying having a mum I want to spend time with and be able to really cuddle with and fuss over and be fussed over.

I could have written something similar myself op. You’re not alone.
I’m one of 4 and all 4 of us have issues. My mother completely ruined our childhood. She was a nightmare. She’s better now than what she used to be but she’s still judgemental, critical although she darent so much with me now as I point out her own imperfections which she hates!

It’s made me so determined to be a good mother. I worry so much whether I am a good mother or not. I constantly try and do as much as I can for them and constantly cuddle them, tell them I love them. I’m determined to give them the upbringing I never had.

She wasn’t when I was being bullied at school, from the age of 10 until I went to Sixth Form College, and it didn’t really get much better once I left home. She turned up for the bare minimum of my special occasions and I always felt as if my sister came first, and I came basically nowhere.

When I had my three dses, she wasn’t an involved grandmother - I don’t think she saw any of them when they were babies, and even though she knew I was suffering with PND, it never once occurred to her to ring me and ask how I was coping. But then she never bothered to ask if the bullying had stopped at school, even though I had told her about it in tears, and I just got more and more withdrawn throughout my teens, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that it didn’t occur to her that I might need some concern from her when I had PND.

She now thinks it is wonderful that her two daughters are also her friends. I haven’t disabused her of this notion - but I live in Scotland and she lives in Buckinghamshire, and I very rarely visit. Golden child sister lives near her, so I don’t think she misses me.

OP asks, "Is your mother supportive and emotionally available?" Someone replies, "Yes, I couldn't ask for better" and gets a sarcastic "Good for you" with an eye roll emoticon. Do we only want negative stories. I feel for anyone who has been abused by their own mother but also find that sometimes expectations of mothers are very high.

I feel for anyone who has been abused by their own mother but also find that sometimes expectations of mothers are very high.

It’s an interesting perspective. Can you elaborate ?

Mine weren’t particularly high. Supporting me and helping me when I was bullied. Noticing when I was clinically depressed as a result of the bullying (I was having suicidal thoughts at 14). Bothering to ask if things had improved at all.

Not a really high bar for parenting, imo, @Paintedmaypole.

Sorry to heat that op. That's really sad and makes me feel lucky. My mother has always been very emotionally supportive - she's still my go-to person when something bad happens or I feel down. I don't take it for granted but this post makes me feel even more grateful.

Yes, I can elaborate. My mother lived to be very old and although on the surface I was supportive of her I carried resentments from her having been quite critical of me when I was young and sometimes being interfering and controlling (never holding back with her disapproving opinion). On the other hand she gave me a lot of practical support over the years and was on my side. I have since realised that I held her to a higher standard than everyone else. Other people have treated me worse and I have easily got over it and had no resentment. I also failed to allow for the difficult circumstances that sometimes surrounded her and her own upbringing. I saw her just as my Mum and not as an individual With strenghts and weaknesses like everyone else. Sometimes expectations of mothers are pitched very high

Paintedmaypole

I guess there is truth in that we should probably put the responsibility of “being there for us when we were vulnerable” and “showing affection and that we and our feelings matter ” equally on both parents.

I personally feel there is something fundementally lacking in any parent who lets down their child without s legitimate reason or abstains from any affection. It is certainly a basic expectation I feel.. because lack of any of these sends a very harmful message to the person.

But yes since society have become individualistic and lacking in community support I guess these issues have a more devastating impact on kids.

I feel like I would certainly be able to adjust to a critical mother if she made me feel important otherwise and was like this with everyone and not just me!

You said your mother gave you support in other ways. Was it emotional? Did she deny you affection ?

Im not advocating for blaming our mothers and loathing them. It’s more about addressing that behaviour are something that leads to devastating impact on the child..

However I do agree we are all humans with flaws. My aim is to process the damage done to me and try to find a way to forgive my mother because I know she struggled too..

But I don’t think we should minimize the effect of lack of emotional presence and support on a growing child. To be fair

Your mum sounds just like mine. I’ve accepted she will never be emotionally available. More recently I’ve wondered if she’s on the autistic spectrum as she just can’t seem to connect and can be very literal. She would never see anything from my perspective and everything was my fault. I remember being scared of giving birth in my second pregnancy and somehow that was my fault too.
I’m very conscious not to be like this with my children and try to listen to them and be present.
I don’t feel bad towards my mum as she done her best and has been amazing in other ways such as practically helping out

My mother has never been there for me.

To others she’s the perfect mother.....

The nail in the coffin was when I suffered a stroke due to a freak accident in my mid 30’s and while in intensive care in a foreign country on my own she couldn’t visit / be there for me as she was too busy

No surprise..... she’d never been there for me as a child or never done anything to support me so not sure why I was so upset about her lack of support. I spend 2 weeks in a European hospital on my own and then returned to the UK on my own.

She’s always been emotionally unavailable and it will never change. In her own mind she thinks she’s the perfect mother.

Lellikelly26 but I think if on the autistic spectrum her emotions willl be the same across all children. Was that the case OP?

OP asks, "Is your mother supportive and emotionally available?" Someone replies, "Yes, I couldn't ask for better" and gets a sarcastic "Good for you" with an eye roll emoticon.

Yet later in the thread, another poster comments how fortunate she has been with her mum,, and gets positive responses. The tone that came across was very different (whether intentionally or not), which is probably why eyes were rolled.

No. She’s dead. To be fair, she’s nicer to me now than when she was alive.

@MrsNotNice processing history will look like recognising what happened, recognising it wasn't right, realising we weren't to blame, realising that person acted like that because of them rather than you, allowing hurt feelings about that situation rather than squashing them, recognising we're not the same and can make different choices. Quite a lot really and I guess how we get there looks different to different people. Some people might be able to be quite factual 'that happened, I won't be like that', for me it's looked like therapy, journalling, talking to friends and lots of self esteem boosting activities such as exercise and yoga. Also I've had to learn parenting techniques around connection which has come with it's own healing. 'Peaceful' parenting is based on connection and loving with clear boundaries and recognising your own triggers with your children has been so helpful.

Hi Girlmeetsbook,

I have done everything you have mentioned and I can second how helpful and life transforming it has been.

Something my therapist said to me once has really stuck with me. Twins who came from a highly abusive background (parents were alcoholics) were studied years after they left home. One went onto to have a successful career, managed to form a very happy marriage and stable family. The other one descended into alcoholism, hardly worked, not able to form any meaningful relationships.

Both were asked how they had ended up where they were. Both said (separately) "with a childhood like mine where else would I be?"

Dacquoise oh wow.. I truly love that story. I love to know I’m not trapped in the cycle.

Girlmeetsbook wow, i will look up the peaceful parenting books because I really want to make sure I have the connecting part right. Thanks for the explanation I will try follow that.

I think everyone who has posted on this thread are aware that their childhood wasn't 'right' which is a start. If you know that, you can break free of the 'cycle'. If you asked my golden sibling what our childhood was like, he would say 'fine'. Hence he will never get out. I feel sorry for him.

Apart from the lucky posters who had loving mothers of course!

It’s really interesting.. because up to few months ago, I used to say to myself that my mother is the best woman I know.

Even though I was constantly hurt and angry with my relationship with her and never getting on for years, but I had convinced myself this was all me and my fault. I didn’t realise the devastating impact of lack of empathy and care. I thought that was childish and needy.. I was ashamed that I was the only one she treated this way and I should never compare myself to my siblings because that sounds “jealous”.

Up until few months ago, I would’ve posted that my mother is an angel because that’s how the rest of the world sees her and how she sees herself.

My prolonged denial terrifies me.