Is your mum supportive and emotionally available?

[Shangrilala]

I don’t feel I’ve ever had that special close bond/relationship with my own mother. She’s critical, judgey, defensive and very much close minded/emotionally unavailable.
I’m a mother too now and in my early forties. I’ve had issues my whole life with intimacy, self acceptance and body image. Depression featured heavily in my teenage years. Alcohol came later. Now chronic anxiety.
It’s dawning in me (albeit too late) that my unfulfilling relationship with my mother has basically screwed all this for me

Mine seems to keep me hanging on by sending out little golden rays of hope but then let’s me down.

so hurtful. I’ve learnt the best way to make sure the efforts are genuine is by actually setting the expectations of how to move forward very clear. And making boundaries clear and consequences clear.

But it’s the drama I can’t handle. They just don’t like us having control of our own lives and our emotional well being in a relationship. And at the sight of boundaries they will turn full mode resistance.

I think boundaries gives us the chance to know who is willing to respect us before we allow them into our personal space where they can hurt us and reject us.

Compassionate empathetic boundaries.

Don’t feel quite there yet but that’s my goal for now

Did anyone here confront their mother for her behavior and end up with positive changes or results ?

My Mum is fantastic. I had a great childhood and grew up with 2 parents who loved us and each other.

I suffer from health problems and a mental health issue. I can phone my Mum at any time of the day or night. I recently went to pieces at 3am one day and phoned her, ended up going to hers where she was waiting with tea and toast and a bed for the night

When I was in hospital for a fortnight I had to put my foot down and insist she didnt visit more than once a day.

If I'm ill shell pick up shopping etc for me or pop in to check I'm ok.

We speak every day on the phone and go out for lunch/coffee regularly

Shes in her 70s now but hand on heart shes always been there for me.

It's so sad reading other peoples stories. Though it makes me realise how lucky I am

My mother had an absent father and a mother with mental health illness which resulted in neglecting her..

So as a child she chose not to be affectionate or have empathy with me because she felt I have it better because my dad was close to me. And so focused her attention on my siblings who were less close to dad.. I could see her point..

But the extent to which she neglected me was really hard to deal with. Until divorce happened and I had to go with mum because dad was unstable..

That’s when my father became very mean to me and I needed to rely on mum and she just wouldn’t bother with me as if I was never hers.

My mother had an absent father and a mother with mental health illness which resulted in neglecting her..So as a child she chose not to be affectionate or have empathy with me because she felt I have it better because my dad was close to me.

My DM was in a similar situation, she lost her DF and her DM couldn’t cope with it all. So I wonder if it’s some kind of hidden jealousy, I actually have a really lovely DF but she left him. We couldn’t have what she couldn’t 😒

While it’s really sad what some of them have been through, I just don’t get why they don’t want the best for their kids.

It's so sad reading other peoples stories. Though it makes me realise how lucky I am
Kinneder, in my experience, the friends I have with the most supportive, nurturing parents have been those who are most understanding about my situation, and least likely to make excuses for my mother or minimise the damage she did. My oldest friend’s mum treats me like a daughter, even now in my late 40s. Thank goodness for mums like yours, they remind us that we didn’t deserve what we grew up with, and that is a very important part of healing from it.

Did anyone here confront their mother for her behavior and end up with positive changes or results ?
I didn’t, but allowed myself to be bullied by my sister into explaining to my dad why I was going low contact. He told her all I’d said, and the next time I saw her she used it all against me, in her usual digs that she thinks are deniable and terribly clever. Ultimately it led to NC with most of my family. Confrontation only ever provided them with ammunition and I couldn’t quietly take it any more.
There was a positive result though - the longer I am NC, the happier life gets.

Kinneddar

Can your mum adopt me . I have a lovely DC needing a grandma

@MrsNotNice. I'll put a good word in for you. Shed live more grandchildren 😊

My Mum even has a great relationship with her Daughter in Law!!

No, my mother isn't emotionally available in the slightest. She is practically supportive and would throw money at us right left and centre, but I can honestly say hand on heart she has never once hugged me or told me she loved me. She has never asked me how I am or how I am feeling. Ive always known something is not right with her and that she wasn't like my friends mothers growing up, who were loving and supportive.

She is very self absorbed and has the emotional intelligence of a very young child. I genuinely don't think she understand that other people have needs or feelings at all. Quite recently the husband of a very close family friend passed away after a long illness, she'd been his carer and they'd been together since their mid teens. I pointed out how awful she must be feeling at losing her life partner and DM just shot me down with a 'well we've all had upset in our lives haven't we'. That was it. She couldn't empathise with her at all. Every worry or concern I had was met with an 'oh stop whinging' or 'or stop going on about it' yet she will moan about the most minor things morning till night if you let her.

She had a difficult childhood. Her own DM was almost certainly a narcissist and I've always suspected she was emotionally abused by her. However her shit childhood isn't my problem, lots of people have tough starts growing up and dont turn out so emotionally cold and dead inside.

@cheese
Yes, that sounds familiar. My mother announced when her sister in laws mother had died ‘well that’s good timing. We can still go on holiday’
When I expressed upset at my grandmothers funeral, she just made a dismissive comment and put me down.
Even when my father died her first response was ‘now I’m going to have fun’. She just has no genuine empathy.
’

Ive often wondered if she is a narcissist herself. Her DM was, and im almost certain that her sister is but DM I think is just badly damaged by her upbringing and childhood, and doesn't get people and certainly doesn't get normal family bonds. She wants to be close to DB and but its always on her terms, and manifests itself via control and manipulation.

I actually don't enjoy spending time with her, which sounds awful doesn't it?

but I can honestly say hand on heart she has never once hugged me or told me she loved me. She has never asked me how I am or how I am feeling.

Oh wow, I honestly thought I was the only one like this.

I always thought it was me until I saw my cousin be treated the same by her mother and her mother confessing to me at her age 2 that she doesn’t love her. I saw how damaged my aunt was by her mother answered it made me realise my mother had been doing the same. My mother confessed to me I changed in my toddler years and reminded her of my father.. I knew then as the adult that heard those words that there was nothing I could do to change that.

It is true some mothers are able to live with themselves hating their own child. Took me a long time to believe this.

My mum left me and brother and sister with her alcoholic parents and split when I was a baby. She’d flit in and out of my life with a new man each time and exposed me to violence, alcoholism of her own and even thought it was acceptable to bring a man to my bedroom when I was 5 and she had sex with him when I was asleep, the noises woke me up and I didn’t understand what was going on but it scared me (separate beds but fucking hell).

She’s been all about herself since I knew her, jumping from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and as I grew older used me as her sounding board whenever she was pissed up and upset.

I went NC for many years - then I fell pregnant with my twins. I had to reconnect with her and my absent father to get a family medical history. Since then she’s shown how much she’s changed after having two more children (my younger brother and sister) with her now long term partner. I had to do a lot of soul searching as to whether I wanted her in my life and therefore my DC’s life as a Grandmother.

When I thought long and hard about it and really tried to put myself in her shoes, I realised how terribly young and frightened she was when she had her first 2 children (me and my brother) and that my Grandparents were gunning for her, criticising her every move because they had never had a son and wanted my brother. She was a product of her own severely traumatic youth and adolescence. So we started to build a new relationship.

I have been candid with her about how her actions made me feel and the issues they have left me with and she has tried to atone as much as she can. She has been an exceptional Grandmother to my DC and whilst she and I will never have that “mother daughter bond” I know she craves, I’m glad - so far - that she is back in my life.

Her commitment to us has been demonstrated, she has stopped drinking and smoking (drinking causes her to get very aggressive/abusive and then pull out the woe is me victim card, smoking led to her having a stroke at 47.

So no, I wouldn’t say loving and supportive for my whole life, in fact only a fraction of it, but we’re working on it.

NaviSprite truly amazing. You are a compassionate human being

You know I think most of us daughters here are ready to open a new page once our emotionally distant mothers show some understanding of what we have been through and are ready to accept that our feelings are important too.. I know I am.

I think instinctively we need/want that relationship and despite the rejection we keep hoping and trying because part of us still wants to believe it’s possible..

It’s never too late to try :(.

Op my own dm was mostly always there, loving un conditionally, she loved a good chat, we did argue but mostly laughed. She loved chatting to me and I reckon she was really interested in nearly everything I did.

Most of my closer friends mum were similar. After meeting dh who had issues, suddenly I began to realise dh would be trying to talk to his mum about anything or I did and she wasn't interested. I noticed more and more odd behaviour that didn't say to me... This is a woman who cares for her son.
It was very sad to realise she is probably narracisitic. Dh was very damaged by it and still has lots of issues today that are hard to shake off.

It's also shown me not to expect what people cannot give.
She cannot give so one has to stop trying.

Never been close to my mother. She has mellowed as she has aged and I see now that she probably intended to be kind and loving, but stayed too long in an unhappy marriage, really didn’t understand how to cope with any emotions (mine). Or the fact I was a girl. She has always been emotionally detached and not very interested in me.
I, however, have adored being the mother of a daughter and done my best to break the cycle. I’ve felt like an orphan for a very long time. But learned to live with it.

I feel so sorry and sad for my mum. She has suffered so massively.. she has been through a lot.. I’m sure she tried her best.

But she just can’t help herself but be emotionally absent and not only that, I feel she is happy when I’m distressed she finds it funny. And when I’m happy she is upset.

I just really need a way to not let it affect me and that’s why I decided to go very low contact almost NC. Because I can’t help but react to her coldness...

I wish I could tune things out and try be there for her because I know behind it all is just a damaged child.. I wish I wouldn’t take things personal but it’s hard. Her actions are very very difficult for me.

Yes, she has always and will always be there for me

Mine would if she could, she has always been depressed and childlike.
If I confided in her she would worry and make it about herself.
I feel I am supportive and emotionally available to her.
I always know she loves me.

Just like an (oddly reassuring) number of posters, my DM is critical, negative, and emotionally distant. I've never done a single thing right in her eyes and she has never once hugged me or told me she loves me. I have huge self esteem issues as a result and, until I had my DDs, felt utterly worthless.

From a very young age I've known her behaviour isn't right. One stand out moment from my horrible childhood is from when I was about 10 - we were having Sunday dinner and I was facing the usual barrage of negativity from her (including how I wasn't eating fast enough, how I was drinking too loudly, how my hair was in my face, etc etc) when I stormed upstairs. My DF appeared in the doorway to find me sobbing so hard I could hardly talk, and I asked him why my Mum didn't love me. He told me not to be silly, went downstairs, and I heard my DM start laughing like it was the funniest thing she'd heard all year. She never came up to reassure me, and I was so embarrassed that I didn't leave my room for the rest of the day. I'll never forget that, or the millions of other instances just like it.

However, she is great with practical support, e.g. providing childcare at the drop of a hat and helping us with financial issues. I suppose this is how she shows love.

Oddly, my mother has done soo much for all
Of us - her kids. She gave up her dreams (unwillingly) and gave up sooo many of her basic needs to fulfill ours. I don’t think she needed to but she did. That’s why I always felt that her actions speak louder. Her selflessness shows true love..

But truth is, it’s only me... it seems like with me she doesn’t see what she did was the right thing to do. But for the 2 brothers she feels like it’s worth it. I’m the most successful out of them all.. most loyal and most appreciative. But she often seems to feel like I just got lucky I was part of the crew..

She wouldn’t have made these sacrifices if it was just me. I would’nt have expected her to either...

But she has harboured sooo much resentment because of having to drop her independence, relationships, and so on because of looking after us as a single parent.

I was always the one compensating for her situation and trying to be there for her. But she always just wanted to get rid of me.

Honestly I was the most behaved child. Always looking for ways to help out.. and she was always looking for ways to kick me out of the house and make an issue... while my brothers were enabled and spoilt and she clung on to them.

She needed their attention and I wasn’t useful to her to be honest.

I think life had been so unfair on her. I felt selfish and awedul when I was getting married and leaving my single mum wallow in her single good misery. I consider her feelings at every step of my life..

I’m my wedding she didn’t even care to help me put my dresss on and was finding excuses to not respond to me while I was asking her for help.

She was busy trying to rekindle things with my dad. I was so happy for her..

Her life has been so damn difficult but I have been there for her because of it.. but she seems adamant to make herself feel better by taking it out on me..

She resents the fact I was able to continue education while she couldn’t because she had us early.

Resents the fact my husband supports me while she never had that..

When I was living a miserable life she paid no attention and was bored when I tried to reach out.

Soon as my life became better she started showing me so much resentment. Quite aggressively..

Refusing to be there for me in desperate moments.. even when I begged.

I say this and I insist she isn’t a cruel person but I think she has untreated issues from her past and she isn’t conscious of how she is projecting that unto me.

Part of me wants to help her but part of me is dying inside from the amount of rejection.

I don’t know how to be resilient to all this I really don’t.

@mrsnotnice

I felt so sad for you reading that. Sometimes I think there is something about the scapegoat child that reminds the parent of themselves or something. Also sometimes the most sensitive or needy are kicked in the teeth because they can’t accept the sensitive and needy parts of themselves.
I wonder if with you it’s because you are a girl and boys are seen as being hardier or more worthy of her time and love?
Sending you hugs .