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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no even to family staying over atm?

74 replies

listlesscat · 17/09/2019 21:10

we have builders in working in half the house, and masses ofcrap everywhere in the other half i'm in the process of sorting out. I can just about deal with it, and carrying on with work, normal life etc, but i've just said no to DSD (adult) who wants to say for a weekend. I said no to her because of the builders and she said "oh its ok, we'll (her and DP) would just move stuff around make space for themselves". wtf? this now seemed a bit cheeky. i put my foot down and said, really - no! Am i the evil step mum, or is this an appropriate boundary?

OP posts:

Drpeppered · 17/09/2019 21:17

How long are builders there for? Do you have other kids staying at home? How often does she usually stay at the weekends?

Original poster

listlesscat · 17/09/2019 21:23

@Drpeppered

Builders are here for 6 months, we're 1 month in.

DSD (in her thirties) hasn't stayed over for over a year, or more, she has been with this partner for a year.

We have one DS in the house - he's 9.

OP posts:

Duvetdazed · 17/09/2019 21:39

I think when it's immediate family that's a bit unfair. What does your husband say?

blahblahblahblahhh · 17/09/2019 21:54

I sympathise - I'm mid building work at the moment too! I'm not even having people round for a cuppa, because it's a pain in the ass to move everything around!

Leeds2 · 17/09/2019 21:58

I think I would probably go with what DH wanted. I would be pissed off with my partner if he told my adult daughter she couldn't stay without discussing it with me first (I'm not sure if you did discuss it with him).

Redshoeblueshoe · 17/09/2019 22:01

She's in her 30's she can stay in a hotel

saraclara · 17/09/2019 22:01

If it's going to be going on for 6 months, I think it's unfair to say that DSD can't stop over for all that time. It'd be different if the builders were going to be gone in a couple of weeks, but she's your partner's daughter. You can hardly ban her for six months.

Halo1234 · 17/09/2019 22:01

I thought u ment siblings or nieces. Your own children is a bit different. I would like to think I would always be welcome in my mums and dads house......still think of it as my home too tbh. Depends on your relationship i suppose and if they had somewhere else to go. I get why u said no though. It would be hard having 2 extra adults with the builders but she is your dh partner and your sons sibling so really immediate family. Can see both sides.

saraclara · 17/09/2019 22:02

...and yes, it's not your call without discussing it with her father.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2019 22:03

Personally I'd always find a room for my kids.

And this is your partners kid.

Singlenotsingle · 17/09/2019 22:05

There's enough disruption in the house at the moment without having guests as well. Tell her after the builders have gone.

MaryShelley1818 · 17/09/2019 22:05

I can’t ever imagine not being welcome in my parents home. No matter what the circumstances.
YABU

BooLooBoo · 17/09/2019 22:07

I was going to say yabu until I saw her age. But I think it should be up to her dad really. I'm pretty sure my mum would say no to me staying over in those circumstances though, unless it was an emergency.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2019 22:08

I can’t imagine saying no to my child staying over if they needed/wanted to.

HullabalooToo · 17/09/2019 22:08

Agree with the above poster. If it was ‘no’ over a short period until you get organised - fine. No for 6 months - YABU.

Aberhonddu · 17/09/2019 22:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I've had builders working in our house and it's very stressful. Having guests will make your life much more stressful and you can do without that.
But this is Mumsnet and you are a stepmother. So you will be called an evil witch for refusing to accommodate your saintly dear stepdaughter, she will take precedence over any feelings you may have.
In fact you should move out and give her free run of your house, anything else will be cruel and heartless.
I'll be the first to ask were you the ow?
Good luck listlesscat

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2019 22:18

Children aren’t guests.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 17/09/2019 22:18

She’s 30, I’m sure she’ll survive

EmmiJay · 17/09/2019 22:20

Shes flippin 30! She should have the common sense that its going to be a bit chaotic if she rolls in with a plus one in tow. Who does that?!

Redshoeblueshoe · 17/09/2019 22:20

Children over 30 are adults

blaaake · 17/09/2019 22:21

She's in her thirties ffs. YANBU

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2019 22:22

Still your children, though.

WarshipWarrior · 17/09/2019 22:22

Of course she'll be fine. If her dad feels bad he can pay for her hotel I guess.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 17/09/2019 22:23

Umm children aren’t guests, no matter what age they are your child and you make room for them well a decent parent does at least although on mumsnet some seem to think you stop giving a fuck a being a loving parent once they turn 18

YABU

Original poster

listlesscat · 17/09/2019 22:28

ftr i was not the other woman :) i met DSD when she was 13.
I did not ask DH about it because he does absolutely no domestic work, so all the prep would be done by me. i do feel a bit bad - i'd happily have them both to stay another time

OP posts:

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