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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no even to family staying over atm?

74 replies

listlesscat · 17/09/2019 21:10

we have builders in working in half the house, and masses ofcrap everywhere in the other half i'm in the process of sorting out. I can just about deal with it, and carrying on with work, normal life etc, but i've just said no to DSD (adult) who wants to say for a weekend. I said no to her because of the builders and she said "oh its ok, we'll (her and DP) would just move stuff around make space for themselves". wtf? this now seemed a bit cheeky. i put my foot down and said, really - no! Am i the evil step mum, or is this an appropriate boundary?

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 17/09/2019 22:36

Ha ha the votes do not reflect the comments !

Cherrysoup · 17/09/2019 22:43

God, no, YANBU! I think that would tip me over the edge! I’m renovating the kitchen currently, I’d tell my own mother no!

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 17/09/2019 22:46

I don't believe you'd do it to your son in future.

Kahlua4me · 17/09/2019 22:47

Can you ask them to bring their own bedding and towels? That would save you some work. They may even help you with some sorting and tidying if given enough instructions!

Seems unfair to tell your children they can’t stay.

Spermysextowel · 17/09/2019 22:56

They only want to stay for a weekend, not the duration of the build. If they’re happy to camp out in a building site then I don’t see the problem.

MzHz · 17/09/2019 23:10

Me too, current renovation is half way through an 8week build

Not a chance in hell anyone would be staying here!

MzHz · 17/09/2019 23:12

30 yo women and their partners are guests, they have other options, and enough manners not to add to someone’s things to manage

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/09/2019 23:15

I agree with what a poster above said - would you have said no if it were your son?

NameChangedForTheDay · 17/09/2019 23:16

People saying "your children aren't 'guests' though".

The child is question is a grown woman. This is the OP and her DH's home and up to them who they have stay.

God knows renovations are stressful enough without tripping over guests, family or not.

YANBU OP.

Drpeppered · 17/09/2019 23:19

You should have spoken to your husband

LellyMcKelly · 17/09/2019 23:24

Can you put her up in an Air BnB for a few days? That way you still get to spend time together without all the mess. Heck, get a bigger BnB and you can all get out of there for the weekend.

saraclara · 17/09/2019 23:38

30 yo women and their partners are guests,

I'm stunned. I can't imagine what your family life must be like. My kids are early 30s and will never be guests. This is the home they grew up in and will always be their second home, as far as I'm concerned.

Purpleartichoke · 17/09/2019 23:40

I would expect my adult child to delay the trip or get a hotel room.

Durgasarrow · 18/09/2019 05:11

Yes, you are being an evil stepmother. This decision should be between her and her father. You should stay out of it. And you should always make room for children.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 18/09/2019 05:15

She’s thirty, she can book a hotel! Or even better she could invite you all to stay at hers, which might be a nice break from the mess for you.

JMoore · 18/09/2019 08:46

It depends on the type of work you are having done. If the kitchen and bathroom(s) are out of commission as they are being redone, or something like the electricity or plumbing are being completely overhauled, you are definitely not unreasonable. If you are more at the redecorating stage, I would let them stay as that would probably just involve moving some stuff around to make room for a few days.

Adversecamber22 · 18/09/2019 08:59

You were very wrong not asking your DH.

Put it this way can you say hand on heart you will do the same and not let your DS stay when he is an adult with a partner in those circumstances.

Floopily · 18/09/2019 09:03

Jesus. I've stayed in a hotel near my mother's house when it's not been convenient for her to have us there for some reason or other. It's really not a big deal at all (and yes I'm a stepchild and she shared the house with my SF). I'm not scarred as a result!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/09/2019 09:11

I think unless the can afford a hotel is just let them sort themselves out. Let her move stuff around and make beds etc. I'd also be ordering takeaway and expecting her to contribute rather than trying to cook in a building site

MzHz · 18/09/2019 17:24

@saraclara

30 yo women and their partners are guests,

I'm stunned. I can't imagine what your family life must be like. My kids are early 30s and will never be guests. This is the home they grew up in and will always be their second home, as far as I'm concerned.

Don’t invoke my family life love, it’s irrelevant.

I wouldn’t expect my dc to come and stay in a home that’s already upside down, not when they’re old enough to (a) pick and choose when and where they stay, (b) finance it and (c) think that perhaps a visit would add to stresses.

No good guest, friend or family member would want to cause more stress, not when it’s already been said by the one who actually does all the work to prepare and host them, that it isn’t convenient

I personally would say that I’d let them know when there is room that isn’t up to the gunnels with dust and rubble etc for them to stay l, or they’d be more than welcome to come but stay in a b&b nearby as they’d be more comfy and it’d help with the hosting.

emilybrontescorsett · 18/09/2019 17:30

Why don't they stay in a b&b or invite you to their house?

IncrediblySadToo · 18/09/2019 21:22

YABU

She’s your DH’s daughter FFS.

Your children aren’t ‘guests’ no matter how old they are.

She wanted to spend time with her Dad, she said they’d make space for themselves, she’s wasn’t expecting the Royal Treatment, it’s shitty of you to say ‘no’.

If I were your DH we’d be having serious words if you said this to my kids.

As for the suggestions if airBnB or a Hotel....what kind of a family do you come from? Bloody hell. You’re family.

Butterymuffin · 18/09/2019 21:27

This decision should be between her and her father. You should stay out of it.

But it's ok for her to do all the domestic work to get round this, since her husband does nothing? Tell him he'll need to get off his arse and help.

NearlyGranny · 18/09/2019 21:42

For goodness' sake! Which bit of your first no did she not understand?

You've got builders. That's more than enough to be getting on with. No, YANBU. She's a grown woman, you don't have to pander.

If you're still feeling bad, tell her she and her DP will be your first houseguests when it's all done.

MzHz · 18/09/2019 22:22

DSD (in her thirties) hasn't stayed over for over a year, or more, she has been with this partner for a year.

This isn’t a poor little lamb who has EOW and a tea after school

This is a grown woman who hasn’t stayed for over a year and is bringing someone she’s been in a relationship for only since the last visit. The op - who is the only fucker one who lifts a finger to host those who stay, doing all the housework too by the sounds of it is up to her eyes with large scale renovations.

If this woman wants to visit her dad she can come for the day or if she wants to stay, either puts it off until it’s done, or they can stay in an Airbnb.

It’s perfectly acceptable on mumsnet to ask Sm or dd, mil or fil to stay in , why not an adult dd with her bloke?

Op has said she would gladly have them once the work is done.

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