to say no even to family staying over atm?

[listlesscat]

we have builders in working in half the house, and masses ofcrap everywhere in the other half i'm in the process of sorting out. I can just about deal with it, and carrying on with work, normal life etc, but i've just said no to DSD (adult) who wants to say for a weekend. I said no to her because of the builders and she said "oh its ok, we'll (her and DP) would just move stuff around make space for themselves". wtf? this now seemed a bit cheeky. i put my foot down and said, really - no! Am i the evil step mum, or is this an appropriate boundary?

I can't begin to imagine how mumsnet posters would have responded if a woman posted that her partner had told her adult daughter (his stepdaughter) that she wasn't allowed to stay, without discussing it with her.

I would suggest if they had builders in, it would be perfectly understandable- to the point that it shouldn’t have even been a subject raised...

FWIW, my own mother was ill at some point, I lived abroad. I was due to come come a few weeks later after she was home, and it was all planned. It was also “big” birthday for me.

My mother’s husband contacted me to say that I couldn’t stay, that it was too much for my mum etc etc so I cancelled my trip.

Sadly as I loathed where I was living and the trip home was something I really wanted and needed.

Imagine my surprise when I learned my sister had gone over for a visit that very weekend, but that’s another story.

The fact is that if a trip or visit isn’t convenient, it’s not convenient. As a human being you do the right thing and make other plans. Op isn’t saying no visit at all, she’s saying not to stay in the house because of the works.

Why does she want to stay for the weekend? To see her dad or because it suits her for another reason?

She's your step daughter, so doesn't it become her parents house/her family home 🤔

Then surely it's a little different to a guest.

When you’re an adult and move out of family homes your parents homes are THEIRS!

You can’t just expect to rock up regardless!

You ask, parents/partners of parents can either say yes that suits or it would be better if you put it off until x date. In this case suggesting they stay nearby is a valid suggestion because of the 5 more months of building work.

this adult “child” surely has enough intelligence to grasp that there is enough on ops plate. Or perhaps she is cut from the same cloth as her dad, completely oblivious to the work it takes to host and/or the stress and mess having builders in (on even minor builds like mine) creates

Love the stepmonster crap going on here.

“completely oblivious to the work it takes to host ”
How much work does it take to “host” an able bodied member of your family?

The dh doesn’t lift a finger to help with cleaning, laundry, food...

And there are major renovations going on which means more dust, disturbance etc

It was all in the op

It all falls to her.

One of us here is saying “given everything on my plate, that I have no help or support, it’s too much for me at this time”

So “No is a complete sentence” only applies to some eh?

We actually DONT have to put up and shut up all the time, not when it’s the only home we have and it’s having major works. we absolutely don’t have to just suck it up perpetually just because “you knew he had kids before you moved in with him”

we can say “love to see you, but the house isn’t suitable for guests atm, either be our first guests when it’s all done, or come and see us but stay in a premier inn”

“Oh we’ll just move stuff around and come anyway” is rude

I have stayed with and visited lots of family members, not once would I insist on a visit under these circumstances. Not even either of my parents, or my sister.

We’ve said no to all overnight visitors atm in our house because there simply are not the facilities for everyone to share one bathroom while half the rooms on one floor are being worked on. That blanket no applies to all, family included. It’s our home, and it’s currently full of builders and their dust. This is way more intrusive and stressful that you ever imagine, even if you don’t actually see them, you know there are people there, the drilling, banging, dust etc.

The only people who decide who comes and stays is us. Nobody has a right to come that trumps our right to say “not this month, come visit when the work’s finished”

Everything is relative tho, ultimately others will say “ach yes, come anyway and it will be fine” others will find it too much.

There is no right or wrong, both sides are welcome to their point of view, but it’s fine for op to say no.

She hasn’t visited in over a year and 1 month in to your building works, she wants to come stay - that’s shit timing! Daughter or not, she can stay elsewhere.

I suppose it depends why she wants to come? If she's been with this chap a year might they be announcing an engagement or pregnancy? that kind of thing is always handled better in person.

I'd probably find out why. Then I'd hand it all over to DH to deal with. Very Firmly.

It seems a very cold response. We currently have no roof, and are 4 months into a 6 month build and have continued to have close friends/family including some arriving tomorrow for the W/e! Basically anyone who understands it’s chaos - which is basically anyone I’d have to stay anyway. But your stepdaughter is family, your child’s sibling. YABU

“The dh doesn’t lift a finger to help with cleaning, laundry, food...”

Now that’s an issue!!

But an able bodied adult child coming to visit does not need “hosting”.

YANBU OP!

How far away does she live?

Why does she want to stay?

I'd tell her no, fullstop.

Anyone staying in someone’s home is being hosted.

Food, laundry at the barest of minimums - It’s not a hot desk situation, the person staying is also in this case bringing the newish but clearly serious partner, so will need more interaction and a warm welcome as a starting point.

This is not a routine contact visit of a young child where space would have to be made. Even then if water/power/heating is off at points in time, as a mum I’d be happier changing contact a little so as my child wasn’t cold etc visiting their dad and step mum.

If the dh in this case pitched in it would be potentially a different story, but 1m into a 6m build will be chaos and very few would choose to have an extra person

The “ child” in question is 30 years old, has presumably got their own place to live with or without the boyfriend hasn’t been to their dads home for over a year, and won’t be just letting themselves in and buggering off to their room to play on x box or watch you tube.

Op has said it’s too much for her, and given that it falls to her, she is entitled to say so.

When my adult dd comes to stay I don’t “host” her!

The issue is the op’s partner not lifting a finger. She needs to sort that out ASAP.

You can say no whenever you like, builders or not.

I hate the Mumsnet “oh it’s family” stance. I always think they are the freeloaders who won’t pay for a hotel for themselves!

I would never tell one of my sons they and their partner couldn't stay. you are being very unfair to turn DSD away (whatever age she is) - your DH is her Dad!

“ always think they are the freeloaders who won’t pay for a hotel for themselves!“

Blimey. At what age do your children become “freeloaders”?

Let me say this again

I can't begin to imagine how mumsnet posters would have responded if a woman posted that her partner had told her adult daughter (his stepdaughter) that she wasn't allowed to stay, without discussing it with her (the OP)

There are some astonishing attitudes to adult offspring on this thread.

As I said, it happened to me and I had to respect it. It really IS their choice to accept my visit or not.

As an adult, when you’ve moved out and have your own home elsewhere, visits to family or friends have to be done when convenient for both. Popping in for a cuppa is one thing, coming to stay is another

What if parents have friends staying or are away themselves? Surely it’s not beyond even the most limited of imaginations that a visit wouldn’t be convenient then? In this case the op’s house is upside down for the duration, SHES said she’d rather not have anyone to stay and that’s absolutely her prerogative

Others would be ok with it, and that is theirs.

There are plenty of threads where PIL or PARENTS inform D or Dil that they're descending for x date/duration. Mumsnet is unanimous on these threads that No is a complete sentence even in situations where there isn’t a house full of rubble and dust.

Imagine living in a house that you contribute to, do the hard work for, perhaps pay bills and mortgage or rent for yet you can’t have any say in anything like people staying when you’re already up to your eyes in builders with their mess and noise.

Many people move out of their homes for builds of 6m, because of the upheaval and stress. Living through a large scale build isn’t easy. A small scale one isn’t idea either.