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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if this bloke sounds like a prospect...

73 replies

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:27

I've name changed because I think someone might recognise him or me from this...

Friends and colleagues with a bloke 5 years younger than me. Discovered a while back he liked me, I was flattered and liked him too...and we'd been flirting a while but it never came to anything as either he or I were not single. Ashamed to say I liked him through my marriage and when it ended we had talked a bit about how much we liked each other, which is partly what prompted the end of the marriage but it was more the realisation that it had come to an end, not because of it.

Now we both are single (a good while, because he wasn't for ages)

I have 2 children.

We've kissed and it was amazing but I don't know if that was just because we've been dancing around each other for so long, it's built up.

Anyway....pros are: he's great with the kids, met them a few times, likes children. Would like his own. But that couldn't happen with me, I'm in my 40s.
He's hot.
We have amazing chemistry. Like it's almost unbearable being in the same room. We can't keep our hands off each other. I've never felt anything like it..
He's creative and has lots of interests of his own
He's really really into me. He's made that very clear and said he wants s long term relationship if it was something I wanted.
He's kind, thoughtful, and he's been a gentleman about not pushing me into a decision.
Did I mention hot?
Cons
He's a serial flirt. Flirted with me for years, even when with someone.
He's in a band so travels a lot and sporadic money
Lives like a teenager, drinks a lot, smokes weed. Not necessarily things I dislike, or haven't liked in the past, but I've outgrown it a bit. House is s mess, he's got s housemate, although it's his house...just would feel like a massive step back..
We work together
He's got issues...stuff that happened when he was a teenager.
My ex would think something had happened during our marriage, because he knew he fancied me, we talked about it. Actually think my colleagues would too.
He wants kids and that isn't going to happen.
He's still on dating apps, although half-heartedly I think, he's told me his dating woes, how he wants to settle down.
He's had relationships with both men and women, I'm not sure he's scratched the itch with men, don't know if he's be curious later on. It doesn't bother me but I just don't know..
He's quite arrogant, thinks he's a bit of a rock star. He's not. But actually doesn't mind me telling him that and taking him down a peg..
This is ridiculous I know but one half is saying go for it, he really is hot and we already just get on so well, the sex would be amazing, as far as I can tell..could just be fun but not sure it's worth the risk..also I think I have quite deep feelings for him and he seems to have for me, so it could get quite serious quite quickly, not sure if that's a good idea either. just don't know if it's worth the risk. We work together quite closely so would be a disaster if it went tits up.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2019 20:29

You're not seriously considering a relationship with him, surely? Hard pass. You're old enough to know better.

nethunsreject · 17/09/2019 20:31

Jfc no! Fine for a fling but jeez, no!

Themyscira · 17/09/2019 20:32

You talked me right out of it, op. Way too many cons. Go get yourself on the apps and find someone to shag if necessary, but leave this guy well alone.

gamerchick · 17/09/2019 20:36

The chemistry and the feeling he is giving you in the shorts area is overiding your common sense OP. Fuck him, get it out of your system (personally I'd use condoms) but he isn't a good bet long term.

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:36

Yeah...I know it really. Far too complicated. Can I just have a little wallow in the knowledge that a bloke 5 years younger than me really bloody fancies me though..
I can't even just shag him. Because feelings and work etc.
Bugger.

OP posts:
Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:37

Oh god but the chemistry. I literally have never felt like this with any man. Ever. We hugged the other day, it was bloody electric.

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 17/09/2019 20:38

Urgh, nope. A grown man in a band...

Flat mates and mess and worrying about him shagging groupies. Sounds horrific.

You're a grown up, he's not. Don't do it!

Ponoka7 · 17/09/2019 20:39

If you can't treat him as a bit of fun, then you've got to leave him alone.

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:40

It's not even a very good band..he's heading towards 40 too, it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 17/09/2019 20:40

Yeah it was all sounding worthwhile but that list of cons is just something else.
It doesn't sound like you could keep it light and easy either so I'd have to echo the others and say avoid avoid avoid.

31RueCambon75001 · 17/09/2019 20:41

Pity about the drinking and the flirting and the being on dating apps and the weed and the issues...

I think you should have sex with him though. But be the one to tell HIM it's not serious. Don't have him be the one to tell you that. And let him drink and smoke whatever the fuck he wants. Don't try and make a silk purse out of a cow's ear.

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:42

I'd love it just to be fun, but we are friends first and I do care about him. I've emphasized the cons because well they're so glaringly obvious but he's really kind, caring, thoughtful...he just needs to grow up. I'd be mad to think he'd change though

OP posts:
Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:43

I really really want to shag him. Like really. He'd be utter filth but actually I don't mind 😁

OP posts:
managedmis · 17/09/2019 20:46

Oh god a band

managedmis · 17/09/2019 20:47

So just shag him then Grin

Happierwithouthim · 17/09/2019 20:49

A subbie where I work was interested in me for years, ex h was allergic to his name being mentioned.
Nothing ever happened, I ended my marriage 18 months ago as ex h is a complete narcissist, from Christmas on I debated pros and cons with this subbie. Well basically all the cons really & my friend suggested I go for it. He had a big birthday & I got him a card & this caused a shift in our conversations with each other & two weeks later, 7 months ago, we met up & shared a kiss & have been together since. All the cons I could see have melted away because the reasons for a lot of them were loneliness and not having someone to share his life with. He met dc weekend before last as a friend & they're mad about him.

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:50

Yeah maybe...
Really not relationship material. Oh fuck it, I'd hate myself if I never found out what he was like in bed wouldn't I? Still though, definitely condoms.....

OP posts:
Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:51

Oh that's lovely Happier, wish you all the best..
Maybe could try just the shagging first then 😁

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sparklefarts · 17/09/2019 20:52

I'd shag him 👍

Ohyesiam · 17/09/2019 20:53

You’re head is clouded with all the desire.
If you can’t just shag him then let it go. He would be a disasterous partner as you know.

lovelifenow · 17/09/2019 20:53

You only live once.

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:53

Sold on the shagging. Oh god just the thought.
He's so bloody hot.

OP posts:
Sunshine196 · 17/09/2019 20:53

I think you can shag him if you are honest with him about how it won't go anywhere. You might just need to get it out of your system to move on.

TemporaryPermanent · 17/09/2019 20:53

I don't see any reason to deny yourself sex with him!

Hilaryforpm · 17/09/2019 20:54

Yeah. I am clouded by the Danny daggers, to be fair.
Could even keep it a secret at work, then if it did go wrong or just nowhere, not so much of an issue.

OP posts: