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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend seeing ex ...aibu to be mad?

63 replies

geetr · 17/09/2019 20:18

Ok so can someone tell me I'm being stupid here.
So I said to my boyfriend shall we go out for lunch on Saturday..
He said he can't so I ask why
He said "I'm driving a van for "Louise" my friend has just sold her a cooker and she needed someone to drive the van for her"
Ok ...why you?
It's nothing to do with you.
He said they are friends.
Now bare In mind they still text each other (ive seen but no idea what they chat about or how frequent)
I asked him how she knew his friend was selling this cooker..he said "oh I text her and told her"
I'm fuming

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 17/09/2019 20:21

Fuming is a bit strong.
Having contact with ur ex is not always a bad thing.
He’s being open with you that he has some contact with her.

From what you’ve said, he hasn’t been flirting or having inappropriate contact with her e.g. kissing so YABU.

If you don’t want him to have contact with her at all, first that’s a big ask but secondly you actually need to communicate that to him and discuss it not post on mumsnet that you are “fuming”

PatriciaHolm · 17/09/2019 20:23

Unless he has form for shagging exes in vans, you are massively overreacting.

Original poster
geetr · 17/09/2019 20:26

I don't feel I can say anything to him about it as we've only been seeing each other a short while.
I think I might come across too full on

OP posts:
dowehaveastalker · 17/09/2019 20:28

You’re over reacting. And yes - you sound full on, back off a bit or you might lose him. Jealousy is not a great look.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 17/09/2019 20:32

Afraid so. And I get the fear and jealousy, but he’s been open with you, he isn’t hiding anything. He’s doing a nice thing for someone. She just happens to be someone he isn’t with anymore. You’re with him now.

But be honest about your feelings. Say it calmly, it will help both of you to understand each other more. Hopefully he will reassure you and that will make you feel happier.

Original poster
geetr · 17/09/2019 20:48

I just don't like the idea of him spending time alone with her

OP posts:
CBCB7992 · 17/09/2019 20:50

How long have the been split up? If it years maybe they are just good friends who get on well. If it’s not been long that’s a bit weird and I would worry they still had feelings.

He sounds like a prick. He should tell you if he plans to see his ex.

Nubianjewess · 17/09/2019 20:51

How long have you been together?

NorthEndGal · 17/09/2019 20:52

It sounds like you may not be ready for a relationship. Have you had issues with being 'full on' before?

AllTheGlitter · 17/09/2019 20:56

YABU.

SimonJT · 17/09/2019 21:05

I do think you are being unfair.

I spent Sunday evening with my ex, I could have spent it with my boyfriend, but time for friends (which is what my ex is) is very important. He has met my ex, he also knows that when we were first getting together ex and I were in a FWB situation until boyfriend and I decided we wanted an exclusive relationship rather than casual dating.

If my boyfriend tried to control who I spend time with he would very quickly stop being a boyfriend.

Someone is either trust worthy or not, being around an ex doesn’t change that.

GingersAreLush · 17/09/2019 21:07

I’m friends with one of my exes, my boyfriend is friends with one of his. I don’t think that in itself is a problem, it’s other behaviours that would be. Like lying/being secretive, not wanting you to meet them ever, flirting, cancelling plans with you to be with the ex in any way at all....

Sounds like your boyfriend is just doing a favour for a mate. Who he happens to have dated at one time so he can’t go out for lunch with you that day. I’d try to make different plans for later in the day (favour shouldn’t last all day?) and if he’s a cagey bastard then I’d be unimpressed.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/09/2019 21:07

She's currently a bigger part of his life than you are (and will be forever if you carry on).

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 17/09/2019 21:08

Some people really can remain friends with exes without any other feelings or flirting or whatever.

How long have you been with him and how long have they been split?

Blueoasis · 17/09/2019 21:09

I think it's weird.

Why does she need him specifically to help her with a cooker? Why can't the other friend do it? Why does he want to help her?

Could be innocent answers to those questions, equally there may not be. I've never seen why people must be friends with their exs. If you were friends before and not being friends would make it awkward for others involved then yeah maybe. But random exs? That's just a bit odd. If you have kids, again makes sense although rarely happens.

It really depends on the situation. How long were they together, is she seeing anyone else (unlikely given the circumstances), do they hang out with the same people, do they have kids, why did they split up. Those kinds of things gives you more of an idea if it's weird or not.

Original poster
geetr · 17/09/2019 21:12

They split end of June.
We got together end of July.
They weren't together long either.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/09/2019 21:15

And neither will you 2 be at this rate OP.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 17/09/2019 21:17

Grin 6 weeks! He’ll drop you like a brick if you start stropping over this! Come on OP! You’re not even a dot on his dating history yet.

PennysPocket · 17/09/2019 21:24

Just end it. You don't trust him so this relationship will not go well for either of you.

Blueoasis · 17/09/2019 21:25

The ex wasn't on the scene long either yet he's doing her favours. A long time would make a bit more sense, but short time not so much.

Lanurk · 17/09/2019 21:25

Get a grip op. He’s allowed to have female friends, just as you’re allowed male ones. You’ve not been together any length of time and he’s not hidden that he’s seeing her. Surely it’s a positive that he’s decent to his exes since if you carry on being that possessive and jealous you’ll be one before long?

GingersAreLush · 17/09/2019 21:26

You’ve been a couple less than 2 months?! On second thoughts, either find a way to deal with this and move on or call it a day if it really is going to be a problem for you. Too early on to be this drama filled. At this point it’s meant to be fun.

kmarie9 · 17/09/2019 21:43

Perhaps (and don't take this the wrong way as I've been and probably still am the jealous type myself) you need to work on yourself before being with anyone else. If you don't trust someone so soon into a relationship this sounds like its trust issues you've had previous to this and I don't think you can ask him to drop friends to make you feel more secure. I think you need to either except this girl was once more than a friend and either move on together or go your separate ways.

Original poster
geetr · 17/09/2019 22:53

I'm trying my best not to get jealous
I'm just struggling with it

OP posts:
Polydactyly · 17/09/2019 22:57

You’ve only been together 6 weeks and you don’t trust him. I would honestly find someone you can trust. It’s not worth the heartbreak and arguments in my experience. Whether you’re right or wrong, it’s a heck of a lot for a 6 week relationship. The problem is there is no trust from the get go.

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