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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend seeing ex ...aibu to be mad?

63 replies

geetr · 17/09/2019 20:18

Ok so can someone tell me I'm being stupid here.
So I said to my boyfriend shall we go out for lunch on Saturday..
He said he can't so I ask why
He said "I'm driving a van for "Louise" my friend has just sold her a cooker and she needed someone to drive the van for her"
Ok ...why you?
It's nothing to do with you.
He said they are friends.
Now bare In mind they still text each other (ive seen but no idea what they chat about or how frequent)
I asked him how she knew his friend was selling this cooker..he said "oh I text her and told her"
I'm fuming

OP posts:
Original poster
geetr · 18/09/2019 08:14

It's honestly not that I don't trust him.
It's why would you want to help someone you just dated for a short time,why is even bothering.
I wouldn't be bothered to help someone I dated last year.
I do trust him but I question his motives.

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 18/09/2019 08:16

Maybe he’s a nice person? Maybe he owes her a favour? Maybe he wants to shag her in the back of a van? Who knows? But you can’t be this insecure so early on in a relationship, it’s not healthy.

Have you been treated badly in the past?

NameChangeNugget · 18/09/2019 08:17

6 weeks??? Confused

You’re going to drive him away with your irrational behaviour

ConkerGame · 18/09/2019 08:23

OP I wouldn’t like it. He’s choosing to spend time with her over spending it with you. He wasn’t with her long so not like it’s some great part of his life that he wants to keep a connection to. No reason to prioritise a short term fling over someone you are currently seeing.

In all honesty, I would calmly explain to him that you would prefer it if he didn’t go out of his way to spend time with this girl as it’s hurtful he would rather spend a weekend day with her than with you and if he doesn’t understand then I would end things. Not in a big drama-filled way accusing him of cheating, just in a “I think we have different priorities so it’s best if we go separate ways” type way.

gamerchick · 18/09/2019 08:43

wouldn't be bothered to help someone I dated last year

He's not you.

Densol999 · 18/09/2019 08:51

Im friends with loads of my ex's.
One ex's mother is my housekeeper
Another's uncle - Im helping him on a professional matter
My kids dad - he's had a stroke and Im one of his carers
Many are friends on my Facebook

I love my new partner to bits
Would I cheat or go back with any ex's ? Not in a million years, but it doesnt mean I can be friends

You need to chill big time
Im presuming you are quite young ?

ThighThighOfthigh · 18/09/2019 08:56

I'm very good friends with an ex but we were friends for many years first, it was over years ago.

I think someone that he had a short relationship with not long ago is a bit....dunno. But he's only been seeing you a short while too. I'd back off and watch and wait and see if he's worth bothering with.

NoFucksImAQueen · 18/09/2019 09:08

I actually think its nicer when people are friendly with their exs and I'm far more concerned by those who label every ex as a physco because it's usually a deflection. for people to still be friends it shows a level of maturity and good personality traits that would make you want to be friends with them. plus lets face it if they both want to be together then that would happen regardless of whether they stay friends or not. the only thing you are achieving by worrying is stressing yourself out

AmIThough · 18/09/2019 09:19

Why did they split up? Maybe they realised they just weren't compatible and were better as friends?
He's choosing to be with you and is being open and honest.

If you're THAT bothered why not offer to go with him and say you can all go for a late lunch afterwards? Meeting her might help your jealousy.

justheretostalk · 18/09/2019 09:20

Ha, I recently went on a two week massive trip to the other side of the world with my ex’s mother. Grin We weren’t even overly close before the trip, she just asked if she could come and I said why the fuck not Grin

Get a grip OP

uokhun25 · 18/09/2019 09:49

eeeep - you got to get over this and fast or the relationship is over!

If you trust him like you say you do then there is no problem, he's doing nothing wrong!

Maybe he just didnt want to be in a relationship with her but they are better as friends?? maybe it ended on good terms??

My Husband is close mates with one of his ex's and I'm really close with two of my ex boyfriends, do things with them all the time !!

If you can't get past this now your relationship probably hasn't a hope i'm afraid - this is not going to be the end of his contact with ex!!

Greeni · 18/09/2019 09:51

why would you want to help someone you just dated for a short time

Because they’re friends?

Original poster
geetr · 18/09/2019 11:22

Ok so I asked him and he said she wanted a full on relationship and he didn't want that.
Me and him have both said we aren't putting labels on what we are and he likes it that way,I'm assuming she wanted more than he could give.
I feel a bit better now.

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 18/09/2019 11:30

So.. You're happy being 'with' a guy who technically isn't your boyfriend, and can go sleep with whoever he wants, because you guys aren't using labels?

Yeah if you aren't exclusive, then you can't be annoyed at who he gangs out with. But guaranteed, she's only asked him for help in the hope that if he spends time with her, he will miss her.

Wake up. He's a player.

Original poster
geetr · 18/09/2019 11:42

@Blueoasis I'm happy to not put labels on it but I don't want him /don't think he is sleeping with others.
That's the reason I'm annoyed because he told her about the cooker and he told her he would drive her van.
That's why I'm paranoid ...
Anyway I do trust him but I'm just being a worrier as usual as it's still mega early days

OP posts:
999caffeineplease · 18/09/2019 11:46

If you aren’t putting labels on it then he isn’t your boyfriend, he’s someone that you want to be in a relationship with but is playing you.

999caffeineplease · 18/09/2019 11:48

^^ and can sleep with who he wants.

I agree with @Blueoasis

Sweetbabycheezits · 18/09/2019 11:50

If you aren't putting labels on it, he isn't really your boyfriend, and he can sleep with/see whomever he likes (as can you!). It sounds like you would like this to be a bit more than a casual thing, and given his past with the ex, it sounds like that's all he's up for. Maybe find someone who is ready/able/willing to be in a relationship?

Blueoasis · 18/09/2019 11:51

@geetr

He is playing you. Can almost guarantee he is sleeping with other people. He'll probably sleep with her too.

Wake up. If he wanted to be with you and you only, he wouldn't be unhappy about 'putting labels' on what you have. He's lying to you, and you're worth more than what little he can give you. Dump him.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/09/2019 12:04

Putting labels on

Ugh!

Ditch this twat

ThighThighOfthigh · 18/09/2019 13:33

Argh! Fucking labels, load of shit. Move on, he'll dump you like he dumped her when you want him to be your bf. Then he'll drive a van for you.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/09/2019 14:47

Yep he’s playing you.

Leave with your dignity now OP. On you’re own terms. Not his.

Original poster
geetr · 18/09/2019 15:31

As it's only been a short time,isn't this ok?
As in the more time we spend together he can decide if he wants to put a label on?
What do I do about the driving his ex's van thing?
Say I'm not happy ?
Or pretend I don't care ?

OP posts:
AmIThough · 18/09/2019 15:32

You don't need to say he's your boyfriend but you need to know whether he's still seeing other people.

If you're jealous, in your head you're exclusive. He might not see it the same way.

TanyaChix · 18/09/2019 15:35

Pretend you don’t care. It’s more attractive than jealousy which invariably causes the other person to withdraw anyway.

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