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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that just because DP is on nights this week it doesn’t absolve him from all responsibility st home

70 replies

Everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 17/09/2019 06:50

My DP is doing nights this week. He works from 6 until about 3 in the morning and then comes home. He sleeps until about 11am.

I work full time too but also have to take kids to school & collect them, do all packed lunches, ferry them to after school activities, cook tea, get them bathed & to bed.

I asked him to tidy the house when he is here during the day but he flipped out & said he shouldn’t have to do anything as he’s on nights.

Aibu to think that shouldn’t absolve him from all activities - he could do an hour to help at home. I am literally doing everything & feel under so much pressure. I woke up in tears because I am so tired & overwhelmed

OP posts:
FrowningFlamingo · 17/09/2019 06:54

I was all set to say YABU but they’re not full nights really. Does he have a long commute?
Nights are horrible and disorientating, I wouldn’t be expecting him to do loads but an hour or two is definitely not unreasonable.

adaline · 17/09/2019 06:55

He's being ridiculous!

slipperywhensparticus · 17/09/2019 06:56

Yanbu he is being lazy

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2019 06:57

He's being lazy
Is he usually this useful?

Original poster
Everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 17/09/2019 06:58

I think his unhelpfulness has made me feel worse- I feel like I am drowning in kids activities & responsibilities. I have a demanding job too & the house is a tip & it’s making it worse

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 17/09/2019 07:00

I'd have thought he could cook tea at least

Finfintytint · 17/09/2019 07:01

That’s not nights! It’s a half night. No reason why he couldn’t do more.

Maneandfeathers · 17/09/2019 07:01

Normally I would say share always with no exceptions.

But nights really are hell for me. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and am hungover at the same time, I can’t function at all during the day Blush

I could probably manage an hour or so before bed and as I woke up just before work but it wouldn’t be nice.

Scrumptiousbears · 17/09/2019 07:06

That's not even nights. That's half nights. What a twat. Not sure if he'd manage a full night shift with his attitude.

FairyBunnyAgain · 17/09/2019 07:09

YANBU my DD works similar hours most weeks and helps around the house, what else is he doing from 11-6 every day. I would expect him to be picking the DC up from school and looking after doing tea etc them until you finished too.

Bananarama12 · 17/09/2019 07:12

My DP works 7-7 nights so I let him sleep all day. But if I'm exhausted or having a bad day he will always get up for an hour to help out.

user1493413286 · 17/09/2019 07:12

What’s he doing with the 6 hours in the day he has spare between waking up and leaving for work? There’s loads of time to tidy up and at least prep dinner.

BeepBeeep · 17/09/2019 07:13

I work nights OP.
I do absolutely nothing in the home apart from sleep.
I wouldn't be too impressed if I was asked to do anything.
My reply wouldn't be at all ladylike.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2019 07:15

He could definitely cook dinner for you all to eat together before he goes off to his shift.

And getting in after a 3am finish- is he going straight to bed or taking a couple of hours to wind down? If so, he could do something to help then - an online shop isn't taxing and can be done at 4am over breakfast. Even if he then went to bed a tad later and slept til 2.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2019 07:16

I work nights OP.
I do absolutely nothing in the home apart from sleep

Not a single thing? Not wash a cup, or Chuck a load of laundry on or throw the vac round?

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/09/2019 07:28

Of course he should be helping, he has a very large portion of the day at home, awake. I don't see the op having 6 or so hours to just chill in her day...

Morgan12 · 17/09/2019 07:30

Tell him to strap on a pair. It's not even nights really!

My DS keeps me up all night every night but I can't sit and do fuck all the next day.

Hes getting 8 hours sleep!

Taggle · 17/09/2019 07:33

What a lazy fucker. That's exactly the hours I used to work. DH worked long day shifts, so I'd often have to take the DC to school in the mornings, go back to sleep, then get uo again to do the school pick up plus housework, help with homeworks, and make dinner. It wouldn't even have occured to me to do otherwise, it isn't a full night!

Sexnotgender · 17/09/2019 07:36

I work nights OP. I do absolutely nothing in the home apart from sleep. I wouldn't be too impressed if I was asked to do anything.

Why? You’re not working any more hours than normal, just at a different time. Why does that absolve you from all responsibilities?

TheRoyalCorgi · 17/09/2019 07:39

@sexnotgender - I agree with that. My ex worked nights and lived alone, his house was immaculate, his laundry done, he shopped and cooked and ate. Just at a different time. I’ve done it too. People who work nights and live with a partner shouldn’t just do nothing and people who work nights and live alone not just live in squalor and eat takeaway. There’s a very odd attitude about night shifts on MN though. No one must ever be disturbed or do anything because they work nights 😳

SockQueen · 17/09/2019 07:42

Why? You’re not working any more hours than normal, just at a different time. Why does that absolve you from all responsibilities?

When I do nights, it's a 12.5 hour shift with a 1hr commute each way. That's NOT the same as my normal shifts. I might put my stuff in the dishwasher but that's about it. DH basically runs the house on survival mode till it's over - fortunately not too frequent!

The OP's DP sounds like his shifts are nowhere near that length though, so should have more time to contribute.

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 17/09/2019 07:44

Fucking hell. My DH works two/three nights a week 6/7-3, he sleeps until he needs to sleep but if he got up and refised lift a finger our marriage wouldn't last long. That's just pure selfishness.

We both used to work nights so I know how difficult it can be to get going the next day when you're disoriented, you get on with it.

hiddenmnetter · 17/09/2019 07:49

Yeah I do nights. They’re basically what pays my salary. I do all sorts of shift combinations to make our childcare work, but when I do nights I am written off for 7 days (plus 1 day recovery after). It’s rough for my DW, but, it’s what pays the mortgage. It’s compensated also by RDs after nights which means I’m home for a full week after (given as I’m working an 80 hour week for nights). So I was going to say YABU- on my nights I’m pretty well written off. I may do some bits and pieces, dishwasher, bins, will do some school runs when I get home if I’m home late enough, BUT- they’re not nights. Working until 3 and then home by around 4 I’m guessing and sleeping till 11? That’s just a week of dead lates. A week of going to bed very late, compensated for by waking up very late.

7-7 is nights. Going home in the peak, to then take your children to nursery and then get to bed is nights. Nights are when you turn your body clock all the way around. You feel jet lagged for a week, and can’t think and can’t focus. Staying up late for a week does not a night shift make. It is in fact what I do to prepare for night shift (try and stay up till 2am each night for the week before to make the transition easier) but I still function perfectly well (even if I’m getting up later).

SinkGirl · 17/09/2019 07:49

I used to work those hours during my uni holidays and it was never called “nights”, it was an evening shift! Whenever I could I’d take extra hours beforehand too, so I’d start earlier.

He needs to suck it up.

I’m frequently up with my twins until after 3am... I still have to take care of them all day!

ChilledBee · 17/09/2019 07:52

Even if he was on full time nights,he has approx 6 hours a day to contribute before work.