To think that just because DP is on nights this week it doesn’t absolve him from all responsibility st home

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost]

My DP is doing nights this week. He works from 6 until about 3 in the morning and then comes home. He sleeps until about 11am.

I work full time too but also have to take kids to school & collect them, do all packed lunches, ferry them to after school activities, cook tea, get them bathed & to bed.

I asked him to tidy the house when he is here during the day but he flipped out & said he shouldn’t have to do anything as he’s on nights.

Aibu to think that shouldn’t absolve him from all activities - he could do an hour to help at home. I am literally doing everything & feel under so much pressure. I woke up in tears because I am so tired & overwhelmed

DH works 12-hour nights (NHS) and still manages to be an adult and take responsibility for stuff while he’s working.

OP my husband works 12 hr nights 7 til 7.He goes to bed at 8.30 am .In the time coming in from work at 7.15 am he will put out recycling,do the bins and do a spot of work in the greenhouse to unwind.He sleeps til 4pm has breakfast.plays with our daughter, cuts the lawns has a shower and toddles off to work.I dont ask him to do anything cos by night 4 he is wreck,He then has 2 days off but one day is sleeping and trying to get into day mode for the next 7am to 7pm shift week.On his day off which is day 2 he does the DIY if any is needed,we go out for dinner with the kids or if we are lucky and it lands on a weekend we go to a theme park or seaside.Nights are a killer now hes getting older,he is 57,We all find it hard but he does what he can for us.I work too but I reverse my day to match his so when he goes at 7pm I get our daughter to bed and then put the washing in and run the hoover round,all the day jobs get done by about 9pm! It;s a bonkers way to live!

YANBU,if he refuses to helpyou stop doing things for him.
Hes not exactly working proper night shifts anyway,hes just a lazy pig.

DH regularly does night shifts from midnight to 8am. He comes in, sleeps til about 3 then picks up DD from afterschool or straight from school makes her dinner and is in charge til I get home at 6:30. Takes DD to her club and I meet them there to do the drive home. He will put in a clothes wash or load the dishwasher. Basic, not a lot of thought required, stuff but keeps everything ticking over.

It's a crap few days for him but I also work and DD needs looked after so things need to be done. I'm sure he would love to sleep til 5, get up and potter around for a few hours to himself but we live in the real world.

6-3 just not proper nights. By 11 he has had 8 hours sleep the lazy slob and should be pulling his weight.
I did full time nights when my son was at school and as a single parent had to do everything. I had someone sleep over with my son.
Tell him to get offs his arse. Has he not noticed you ate on your knees.
Show him this the layabout.

BTW my nights as a nurse were 12 hour shifts 8 to 8.

Another one saying it's not nights, just lates.

To those doing 12 hr nights, I wouldnt expect much to be done until their rest days.
Lates?? I'd hope the would take part in a couple of hours of family life between school end and going to work. Infact, why isnt he doing the afternoon school run?

So he's at home from 11am to 6pm and doesn't lift a finger?

There is no excuse at all OP. He's being lazy and using his shifts as an excuse to absent himself from family life. Perhaps he needs a gentle reminder that it could be a permanent arrangement if he doesn't shift his attitude..................

We've just switched from 12 hours shifts to 10-7am and whilst it's still a killer, I still have time to get in an online food shop, have a quick tidy up and put a load in the washer. Then when I get up, I get the washing in, or hang it out, depending on whether oh was home to pop it out, iron a few bits, do dinner and flick a duster round.

I've actually just finished a 6 day set and am about to go to bed, then gym later for a few hours and holiday packing.
Finishing at 3 would be a piece of piss, quite frankly.

I was about to come in all guns blazing and say you were being unreasonable, nights are exhausting.

But he’s not actually working a night shift is he. That’s a late shift.

He needs to get on with adult life and get over himself

My ex used to work shifts: earlies (6am-3pm) lates (3pm-11pm) late lates (5pm-3am) and nights (10pm-7am). He still managed to care for our 3 young children when I was at work and when they were in nursery/childcare and then school, he did the housework and DIY stuff. His view was that so long as he had 6-7 hours in bed he should share the housework. Obviously at the weekends, if he'd been on anything other than earlies, I used to get up with the kids and take them out for a few hours so the house was quiet.

Your DP is being unreasonable

So selfish. I would t be doing anything for him, as if he lived alone he’d have to do it all. And id at least pretend to start looking for a job nights so I too got a free pass from parenting and life. I’d be clear I was looking for ‘proper nights’ thpugh. I too used to work nights. Not the shift your husband does, we called 5pm to 2am holiday Europe. Actual night shifts started at 10pm.

@BernadetteRostankowski and @Sexnotgender

Nope, nothing.
I work 12 hour shifts and I have an hour commute each way.
I like my sleep so I do the square root of fuck all and that includes washing a cup.
If anyone woke me up for any other reason than the house being on fire they would seriously regret it.
Fortunately I have a other half who is a grown up and capable.

I work nights 10pm - 6.30am on alternate nights, 3nights a week. I get home to an already awake 3.5yr old & a 15month old. OH starts work at 7am - 4pm so leaves as soon as I get home (very lucky that we both have extremely short commutes)

It's obviously not ideal but we manage.

If he's working 6 - 3 am, he's doing a typical working day and if he's around in the afternoon, he could at least either pick up DC from school/take them to activities or do the evening meal. Plus tidy up whatever mess he makes while he's at home in the afternoons.

Out of the house 14 hours a day is different, but presumably you only work 3 or 4 days a week so can do more on the days you don't work Beep?

My dh did a few nights last year when the shift manager left. He still was there for a couple of hours his regular day job and was buggered from working 13+ hours. I didn’t expect him to do anything. I can understand people working 12 hours will be absolutely shattered. But 6-3am, no, he should very much be helping.

That's just a late shift, no different to working in a bar or club. What would he do if he lived alone - live in a shit hole?

That's not nights he's doing so YANBU.

If it was actual nights like hiddenmnetter describes above then I'd have sympathy for him as will be absolutely shattered. But 6-3 is the hours I used to work after college in my 20s when I worked in pubs & clubs and then get up to be back at college for 9 or 10 the next day. And I am not stoical by any means (often to be found crying after a bad nights sleep for context). He's just being lazy and trying to get away with it.

Nights are wretched but he is still getting eight hours of kip in and is presumably sitting around at home for at least six hours between waking up and starting his next shift. Of course he should do some cleaning.

What time does he sleep until? I imagine he is more tired than normal and disorientated but he must have the capacity to do something, even when you've got a young or unwell baby and you're up several nights in a row you still have to do some basic things and so does he

Talk to him when he is least tired (or if you can manage this week, next time) and explain you're struggling, you literally cant do everything on your own.

The options are -

Get a cleaner or childminder or gardener or someone to do your ironing or whatever - something to lighten the load

Let things slide that week. Don't iron or clean other than what is needed to be hygienic. Wash things like towels and bed sheets less frequently. Eat ready meals or the quickest meals you can prepare. Ask if there is anyone your kids know that can take the kids to activities and then you reciprocate when he is on days

He looks into other jobs where it's not shift work

You look at reducing your hours so you can pick up the slack

He does more

Put it to him like a problem you both need to solve and see what he says

He is being unreasonable.

He could dedicate even just one hour to blitz the house and do food prep, then rest for the remainder.

I’ve worked nights (12 hrs plus commute) and still managed basic chores like dishwasher, laundry and food.

It’s not fair for you to be working and doing absolutely everything else too.

I worked in a care home doing 7-7 shifts. I then had to go home, do laundry, bits of housework and sleep until 3pm, to do the school run.

I was a LP. Many of the Women were and none of us lived in squalor.

He's taking the piss and it's healthier to be active once you're awake. It's also important to eat properly.

I'm nights this week on a 18-06 and when I'm home I help get kids ready for school, wash up and have a quick tidy up whilst dh takes them to school before he goes to work. I'm then up for school run etc
And dh does what I'm doing this week when he is nights and I'm on the day turn
He's taking the piss!

Unless someone is really having a rough time of it, I find that 15m is enough to really blitz through a few tasks.

If you really go for it, you can get a hell of a lot done in 15m just to keep life sane - chuck a washing load on, a couple of dishes and put together a couple of lunchboxes no problem. Do chopping for dinner too.

Nah, sorry but he should still be doing things. To be fair, I know working nights can take its toll, but you can still put a load of washing in, or do SOMETHING to support your partner. Anything!