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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to wanna spend my child’s birthday just us?

61 replies

Shannan · 16/09/2019 19:13

My youngest son is 1 on Friday, we are going on a days outing on Saturday and I just wanted to spend the day at home with the kids on his actual day as a family, however my partner would like to take him to see his parents ( just him and my son ) they only live 15 mins away, but I really don’t wanna spend a couple of hours away from him on his first birthday! I’ve said they could come over ( which they won’t as we don’t get on ) am I being totally unreasonable for wanting to spend my sons whole birthday with him? I was wanting to spend the day together doing activities as a family, the thought of spending a couple of hours sitting alone is really getting to me.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 16/09/2019 19:15

But you have more than one child? So you wouldn’t be alone?

If they live that close he can just pop round with the baby after your back from your activities for a quick visit.

WhyBirdStop · 16/09/2019 19:17

Why wouldn't you all go to visit the grandparents surely they react to see the other grandchildren too, regardless of whether or not you like them (fwiw I think that's why you don't want them to go)

LunasOrchid · 16/09/2019 19:19

YANBU if they want to see their grandchildren so bad then they can come to you.

CassianAndor · 16/09/2019 19:21

Luna but the OP doesn’t get in with them so to save her having to suffer them in her home they’ve asked for their son and grandson to come to them instead.

flowery · 16/09/2019 19:23

Your partner doesn’t need to spend two hours if his parents only live 15 minutes away. He can pop round with DS for an hour.

Also, you have another child so you won’t be “sitting alone”.

IWantMyHatBack · 16/09/2019 19:25

Of course you're not being unreasonable. GP can see him any other day. Why don't you suggest your DP takes your youngest over to theirs on Sunday for lunch

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 10:24

If you do that this year, you are setting a precedent for next year. Arrange a day out instead and get your dh to take him round the next day. My MIL asked to see our children on their birthday, I said no, as there were my parents too and didn't want to spend all of their birthdays going from from one set of grandparents to the other. I made it clear that their birthday will be spent with just us and usually on a day out.

AmIThough · 17/09/2019 10:26

It's his birthday, he should stay home and they should make the effort.
If they won't, DP can take DS to see them the day before or day after.

nonmerci · 17/09/2019 10:27

We have arranged a day out for DS’s first birthday so relatives can see him when we get back if they really want to but they’re not impacting on hours of the day. It’s a special day for parents more than the baby (who has absolutely no idea what is happening). It’s nice for Grandparents to see them but it’s not their day.

CassianAndor · 17/09/2019 10:27

setting a precedent to not consider his grandparents family, more like.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/09/2019 10:36

Honestly, this wouldn't bother me. I'd compromise at an hour.

purpleboy · 17/09/2019 10:46

You need to discuss this with DP he gets a say too. I'd compromise and say grandparents can come over to yours for an hour to see him, if they refuse that's up to them, they don't get to dictate your DP brings him round on his own! They can see him another day. If they are so bothered about seeing him they will come to you.

lazyarse123 · 17/09/2019 10:54

Good grief, he's the babies other parent let him take him.

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 12:16

Yes but it means next year they will demand the same. Its the child's birthday, not grandparent's day.

CassianAndor · 17/09/2019 12:20

they might, they night not, you can't possibly know.

and yes, it's the child's birthday - not his mother's day. A child is (hopefully) part of a larger family group. It is surely beneficial to the child to get to know that group and to know that he is loved and supported by more than just his own parents and siblings.

Atlasta · 17/09/2019 12:20

If they really want to see him then they come to you.
It wouldn't really bother me too much but I would be thinking that they'll expect him to be taken to them every year and that's not really on.

Deadringer · 17/09/2019 12:28

When my first DC turned 1 we went to the zoo and had a lovely day, just for us. But grandparents and wider family where welcome to visit when we got home because they love our child too. If they can't come over couldn't you drop by their house for half an hour? It takes a village and all that.

Toodlesdeary · 17/09/2019 14:22

Can he not just go for an hour. You’ll need to get ready and dressed etc at some point or put lunch on or something can’t they go then? (Not saying meals are a woman’s job but it only takes one of you so it makes sense to work it that way here)

Upsiedasie · 17/09/2019 14:35

Your being a bit precious sorry OP. A couple of hours doesn’t make a big difference. I suspect you’re reacting this way because you don’t like them.

Your partner is his parent too, he should be allowed a say in this too. Also, your having a day out the next day to celebrate too, so a couple of hours really isn’t going to hurt. Maybe you could agree a time limit though so he doesn’t get carried away.

flowery · 17/09/2019 14:41

"Yes but it means next year they will demand the same"

Do you know them? There's no suggestion they are 'demanding' anything, and certainly allowing grandparents to see their grandchild for one birthday doesn't set a precedent for future birthdays, why would it? Just deal with next year when it arises.

But actually, if grandparents are that local, and there are no specific plans to go out for the whole day or anything, really, what would be the problem with them asking to see him next year as well??

orchid1234 · 17/09/2019 14:50

I dont think you're unreasonable. You've said they can come to your house and that's their problem if they wont. People that have decent in laws dont understand the struggle of not feeling or even being welcome to their house. As maybe a compromise suggest they go on the Thursday?

Waveysnail · 17/09/2019 14:52

Do you have specific plans on Friday? If not then dont see what couple hours difference will make

pimbee · 17/09/2019 15:24

Yes, I can't imagine having family 15 minutes away and them not seeing them on their birthday. You're very lucky to have family so close, he's also not just your son, he's your DP's, why can't he choose for him to spend some time with his family. You're being demanding and precious. It's posts like this that make me dread what DILs I could end up with.

pimbee · 17/09/2019 15:26

Although I concede I've only just seen you had invited them over, but still think you're being precious over 2 hours. This is part of the problem when families fall out, you will have to compromise somewhere.

hopefulandstrong · 17/09/2019 15:33

Your relationship won't last very long if your dp can't decide things for his dc too.
You've invited them to yours which you knew they would decline.

Why do people make things so difficult. If you had said to your dp that you would rather have a family day but you understand he would like his family to spend time and let him go, he would of respect that. The next occasion there is an issue he would be more inclined to support your request.

But now your in a who win this situation for no reason.

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