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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to wanna spend my child’s birthday just us?

61 replies

Shannan · 16/09/2019 19:13

My youngest son is 1 on Friday, we are going on a days outing on Saturday and I just wanted to spend the day at home with the kids on his actual day as a family, however my partner would like to take him to see his parents ( just him and my son ) they only live 15 mins away, but I really don’t wanna spend a couple of hours away from him on his first birthday! I’ve said they could come over ( which they won’t as we don’t get on ) am I being totally unreasonable for wanting to spend my sons whole birthday with him? I was wanting to spend the day together doing activities as a family, the thought of spending a couple of hours sitting alone is really getting to me.

OP posts:

IsAStormApproaching · 17/09/2019 15:43

OP I have been here.
Mil hated me because I stole her wonderful boy She treated me like crap and refused to be in the same room as me.
I agreed with dp to be the bigger person and for him to take ds over to her house- literally sat at home on my own- while they had a party with cake balloon etc. She had the cheek to even send me over cake from the party for my child I wasn't invited to
Her demands just got more and more. She expected her time on all occasions; christmas, Easter, mothers day.
She has no respect for me as her grandchild mother and was happy she was able to exclude me.
Dp saw the truth and she see our dc 5 times a year if she is lucky.
And never on special occasions.

You gave up 40 weeks of your life to grow this child why should you not be treated with as much respect as mil is.
And while it's okay if parents have separted to share the speecial days, you and dh have not searated. You are one family unit and are entitled to enjoy the day together.

Either that or dh has ds in the morning to his mum's alone and you take ds to you mum's alone in the afternoon.
Treat him how he wants to treat you.

HiJenny35 · 17/09/2019 15:44

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. They want to see their grandson and he might like seeing them. You not getting on shouldn't change this. Could you compromise and make the visit an hour and a half before you meet for a meal? That way there's a set time oh has to leave, 15 mins there, 15 mins back your son still gets to see his grandparents for an hour and in this time you can tidy up the wrapping paper, find new places to keep his gifts, get ready to go out or get a cake ready.

cocomelon23 · 17/09/2019 15:48

He's as much your dp's baby as he is yours. Why does your opinion overrule his?

Witchinaditch · 17/09/2019 16:01

I can see both sides here, on one hand yabu for not wanting your son to go as it’s lovely he has grandparents that love him but on the other hand they are BU for not coming to you. Maybe all the adults could put aside your differences on his birthday for your son so he can have the best day with everyone he loves

IsAStormApproaching · 17/09/2019 16:03

Cocomelon23 that question could be revered though, why does her dps opinion over rule hers?
Op hasn't said they have not to see him on his birthday. All she is said is she doesn't miss out on time with him on his birthday. She has sugested a compromise where everyone goes to their house-the baby's home- meaning no one is left out at anytime on the child's special day.

IceCreamBrain · 17/09/2019 16:08

Wtf, why should his grandparents take precedence over his mother? It's his first birthday, it's as much about you and your dp celebrating you made it through the first year as anything else. And I'm sure your DS's choice would be to celebrate with all his family - especially his mother but also his siblings. You've invited them round. If they don't want to come that's their call, they don't get to dictate that your DS goes to them on his birthday - especially not if it's leaving you out!

IceCreamBrain · 17/09/2019 16:10

It's time his grandparents grew up and started putting their grandson first - or are they never going to attend any of his birthday parties because you're the one hosting?

flowery · 17/09/2019 16:11

”Wtf, why should his grandparents take precedence over his mother?”

DS wouldn’t be spending his birthday with grandparents instead of his mother! It would be an hour or so, with the remaining 22-23 hours of the day plus the whole of the next day with mum.

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 17:36

Flowery....his Grandparents can see him on the next day.

cocomelon23 · 17/09/2019 17:40

It's only an hour or two that the grandparents would see him. Surely that's not too much to ask? Ds won't know it's his birthday and missing time with his mum but would probably love being fussed over by grandparents.

IsAStormApproaching · 17/09/2019 18:01

But it is too much to ask.
The OP is willing to put their differences aside for the day so no one would miss out on time with the child on his birthday. But the gp can't be the bigger people for a day like the OP is willing to do, so then they need to wait until a convenient time for both parents and their child.
It takes sacrifices/ compromises on all sides to make these situation fair and reasonable.

Xitt · 17/09/2019 18:07

YANBU. They’re welcome to see him at your home with you present. If they don’t want to that’s their problem.

flowery · 17/09/2019 18:12

”Flowery....his Grandparents can see him on the next day.”

Nope. OP says they all going on a family outing the next day, to which I assume the GP are not invited.

Durgasarrow · 17/09/2019 18:14

yabu

Halo1234 · 17/09/2019 18:17

Yabu. Imo. He isnt your passion to have to yourself. He has a dad and grandparents who equally deserve to celebrate his birthday. It's in your sons best interest to have as many loving adults in his life as possible. Blocking your dp letting his parents share in his sons life isnt in his best interests. If he has a loving dad and loving grandparents who want to enjoy him dont block that. Nurture it. It takes a village and all that. Put your personal differences aside they are nothing to do with him. Noone can replace u. Let everyone bond. u will always be number one to him.

Pannalash · 17/09/2019 18:25

YABVVU to use ‘wanna’

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 19:03

But flowery....she wouldnt have to have the family outing the next day if Grandparents weren't insisting on seeing him on his birthday. If Grandparents had let them spend the day together as a smaller family unit on his birthday, they could have gone out for the family outing on his birthday, and the grandparents see him the next day...as it should be. I can never understand Grandparents wanting to butt in on birthdays. They had their day with their children.

justbeingadad · 17/09/2019 19:12

In short, no you are not being unreasonable.

However, I would question why you would not be able to have a relationship with your PIL when your DH seemingly can. Do you honestly want your child to grow up knowing that their mother doesn't get on with their grandparents? Maybe more to this than you are able to admit to yourself?

CassianAndor · 17/09/2019 19:16

Good god, Tabby. What an awful, awful attitude. ‘Butt in’? I loved my grannies and loved them being there for all birthday celebrations. I knew, as I got older, that my mum and her MIL didn’t exactly get an amazingly but no way would my mum have ever, ever had your horrible way of thinking.

Still, what goes around comes around.

mamaofboyss · 17/09/2019 19:18

Your spending a day as a family on Saturday on a day out. It's only a few hours out of his actual birthday they will to see him too I would let him go and you can enjoy the rest of his day when he gets back

flowery · 17/09/2019 19:21

"But flowery....she wouldnt have to have the family outing the next day if Grandparents weren't insisting on seeing him on his birthday."

Where does it say that's the reason for having it on the Saturday? OP doesn't say why they're going out on the day, and says nothing to indicate it's because of the GP. In fact where does it say anyone is "insisting" on anything?

"If Grandparents had let them spend the day together as a smaller family unit on his birthday, they could have gone out for the family outing on his birthday, and the grandparents see him the next day...as it should be."

Where does it say the grandparents aren't "letting" them do anything?

Are we reading a completely different OP or something?? Or are you projecting your own ishoos?!

Lind57 · 17/09/2019 19:26

Oh for heaven's sake, let his GPs see the baby for an hour or two on his birthday. It makes no difference whether you like them or not, you're not being asked to get involved. It's not just 'us'. The baby has a wider family. Let him develop a good relationship with them. It'll be good for him too.

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 20:41

How nice you are Cassian. You have no idea what my way of thinking is, other than my post, and no way of knowing what we have gone through MIL wise, with constant demands of us etc. Or no way of knowing how we were with them. So yes, our MIL did try to butt in, on every single occasion. You might have loved your grannies, but not all grannies are nice and my kids didn't want to be alone with the in laws....ever.

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 20:43

Flowery....the op has indicated the in laws want their son to take the one year old to them on his birthday. This will take a few hours out of their day with him.

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 20:44

And Cassian, perhaps your Mum never told you what she thought.

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