AIBU to be so upset - parents piling on pressure re my future?

[Maria53]

I'm 27 and have been living in Spain teaching English for 3 years. I applied to do a pgce here in uk but was rejected from the unis I wanted. It was quite a big blow and I was quite surprised not to be invited for interview.

Anyway i"ve had a rough year. Almost had a full breakdown in June, had to leave my job a week before contracted end because I couldn't get out of bed. I worked at a summer school in July and have been trying to find employment for last 2 months. I am also dealing with 2 health issues & have been undergoing a lot of tests, which is making me feel nervous and quite stressed. All the while I am trying really hard to find a job and missing my life and all my friends in Spain. But gradually I have been trying to socialise and have joined a theatre group i like.

Today my mum asked what my 'plan' is. I said I'm trying to find a job as a priority, he just 'you need to think beyond that to reapplying at uni'. We had an argument and she said 'everything will slip away from you' meaning a stable future and I just burst into tears. The more she talked the tighter my chest felt, my heart rate went mad. My dad was grilling me the other day as well and I feel I have disappointed them both by not having my life sorted by now.

Anyway that was half an hour ago and I'm still sobbing! I am going to an induction today as I am volunteering at a book festival I love (my dad's reply was 'not paid though is it?'. No it's not but I'm trying to find a job and this helps my mental health immensely).

FWIW I think you sound very capable and I'm impressed by how much you're managing to achieve despite mental and physical health problems.

My heart sank when I read about your parents' attitude; they seem to lack understanding and compassion for mental health issues, and it's a shame you have to live with them atm, although I understand that it's your best option for now. I think you should try and keep some emotional distance, hard though it is, and don't open up to them too much. If they start to question you or make judgemental comments, try changing the subject or just ending the conversation if necessary.

Please focus on getting the right support and treatment, spend time with people (friends?) and doing activities that make you feel good, and everything will start to get better.

It's a shame about Aberdeen because I know someone who studied primary education there and she absolutely loved the course - she is now a wonderful teacher (she has some mental health issues but has still been able to manage; she does struggle with the workload and stress, and won't do it forever).

Anyway I think volunteering is a great idea to keep you active and build your confidence while you consider your next steps and apply for paid jobs.

You will get to a better place, just keep swimming

" People facing homelessness or real strife don't lose jobs because they can't get out of bed,"

Bo, they commit suicide you ignorant fuck.

Sorry it’s tough, OP. How long have you wanted to teach? You sound good at it, but perhaps it’s a case of what you know? You sound like your heart might be in writing and literature, and neither - alas - is an instant money spinner. I could imagine your folks being very down on creative careers if they see security as the main objective. I wonder if you grew up with a lot of those messages? (Must have a good ie well paid job or nothing). Volunteering may offer you space to consider what’s next and explore areas that may appeal to you. The fact you are obviously articulate, have a good degree and teaching experience yet have been turned down for a PGCE suggests that something else is going on (as you are clearly well qualified). Is some ambivalence creeping into how you present at interview?

WombofOnesOwn - I'm not even going to dignify that complete lack of empathy with a response. Please don't post on the thread again.

Thank you Craftycorvid. Well I was invited for interviews at 2 unis I didn't really want. I was turned down by the 2 unis I did want. They didn't even invite me to interview - they said I have all entry requirements but need more experience (I already spent a month in my old primary school).

I am passionate about writing and literature but it's as you say. Not exactly a money spinner is it?

Lastly I saw the doctor today. She said my lh and fsh levels are normal but endometriosis is a possibility so she is sending me to see the gynaecologist with a view to having the laparoscopy. I'm not sure about this, as I will not even get a referral for 2 or 3 months. Is it worth it? Especially as it means staying put in uk?

Lastly I ran my own marketing business for a couple of years before teaching. I could think about this again and how I could offer services abroad. But again not a very stable option?

Perhaps you need to broaden your university choices?

Get the referral! You have nothing to lose (you can always decline an appointment if you don't want it when it comes through.)

I have been in almost exactly your position.

I had a job in my area (museums and archaeology) which fell through due to mass redundancies.

I moved home and spent years applying for PhDs, industry related jobs. I was desperate to stay in my field, which like yours is supremely competitive.

I was working a number of part time jobs and volunteering.

After 3 years I admitted defeat and switched careers. Now I'm training to be an accountant.

Honestly? I look back on those years as years wasted. I could have got a head start on the career I'm in now and I could be three years up the ladder instead of still waiting to qualify at 30. I could have saved a house deposit by now. I could have had enough money to enjoy my life and see friends like I am doing now.

I miss my old job like crazy, I really do. But this was absolutely the right choice.

I think your DM is right and you need to seriously consider your options. Please don't make the mistake I did and sit there holding out for uni places and jobs which, odds are, are never going to come. That's no comment on your ability, but the job market is not kind right now.

If I could go back I'd give myself such a shake. You sound so much like me - all I can say is please be realistic. I know it's not easy, but take it from someone who's been there.

OP, did you go to the interviews at the other two unis? If not, that's maybe something to consider when you reapply - try not to have a preconceived idea of the ideal uni for you, go to all the interviews you get and see where you are offered a place. It's only for a year, and if you've lived in Spain, you can live elsewhere in Scotland.
And do not listen to your mum! Yes, it probably is hard to get into ESL publishing. But I'd imagine you know, or could find out, far more than your mum does about what it involves. And if you've taught ESL and run a marketing business, that sounds (to me) like useful experience for publishing.
Good luck. You sound lovely and very hard working. Sorry you are having a hard time just now. You'll get there.

The only reason I didn't go to the other interviews is because I had to prioritise which ones to attend (due to taking time off work). Here are my options now as I see it:

1. keep applying for jobs here and reapply for uni, attending all interviews offered next year. Aim to be back in Spain in 2 years following completion of degree if I get in.

2. Go back to Spain. Continue teaching esl & freelance writing, keep an eye out for other jobs I am qualified for. Either take my chances applying in clearance or apply again and try to get time off work for interviews (but I know this will be very, very hard to do).

If I stay here I ultimately have to say goodbye to my old life in Spain and start a new one here which will ultimately be leaving anyway...

Lockheart - I am curious to know what you think I should do considering the info I've given?

PGCEs are really competitive I would
keep trying if it’s what you really want, it’s not uncommon to have to apply a fee times maybe look into some CBT for your anxiety/panic attacks? Good luck OP.

Also thanks for your kind words AnotherEmma

Ah, sorry, I missed that about being unable to get time off work for uni interviews. Can totally understand having to prioritise. I would go for Option 1 in your shoes, because from what you've said it will give you more job security and a better quality of life when you do go back to Spain.

Poor you, I felt similar at the end of my teaching degree! I dropped out right at the end of my 4 year b. ed... so I'm another one who thinks you should reconsider the pgce. Teaching English in Spain sounds like you get the best of teaching without all the bullshit. Is there not a way you could continue that? Set up as a self employed tutor here? Or just go back to Spain?

Firstly... you are not well so this will be why you are feeling unusually upset and anxious. Put your health first and look after yourself.
Second... have you been on to ...my job scotland website ...and look for teaching assistant posts. Or phone your local council and ask if they have a bank list you can go on. Alot of the council's are now offering their teaching assistants with degrees the chance to fast track through a uni teaching course. It might be a way for you to work and study and gain more experience in the UK. Good luck. I really hope everything works out for you.

Hi. Will be honest, PGCE’s are tough. Even with experience. As is the NQT year. The UK system is a different machine. Teachers are leaving the profession at a frighteningly alarming rate. (Myself included)

I would prioritise your mental health. Get to a place where you feel strong. Take any job in the meantime. Waitressing, bartending etc, a job which has you on your feet, socialising, physically busy, (you will be exhausted at the end of a double shift!) earning money but without the pressures and stresses of a ‘career’ job. Just while you take your time to get mentally healthy. Once you are, you may see clearer exactly what it is you want to do. And if it is teaching, go for it. Or, by then it may be something else.

This is YOUR life. The only person you will truly be disappointing is yourself if you didn’t make it one worth living. For you. Honestly? You’re 27. Fuck what your parents think. You got this

Well if I had my time again then personally I'd start applying for graduate training programs in finance / business / industries etc now. The March intakes will be opening soon, which is when lots of companies will takes graduates. Lots of jobs, good career paths, the kind of things which will give you lots of options once you've done them.

But if you're certain that you want to keep trying to make a career in teaching then I would seek advice from my alma mater careers service and ask them to look at my previous application and see if they can give any advice on why it's been rejected.

I would give myself a time limit to stop myself getting into the vicious cycle which I repeatedly fell into of "if I just volunteer here for 3 months then maybe my PhD application next year will be stronger", whilst my real world work experience is becoming increasingly distant and increasingly irrelevant. Tell yourself that if you don't have a place on a course by X date then you need to start looking at other options outside of teaching.

I would ask myself if going back to Spain in two years time would be something I would definitely enjoy - it sounds like you had a wonderful time there but a lot can change in two years. People move on and friends move away, especially if your friends were ESL teachers as well. It's worth thinking about.

And believe me I know exactly how discouraging the above will sound. If someone had said this to me when I was in your position I wouldnt have wanted to listen and I'd come back with "but I AM applying for jobs / uni" too. Problem is I was applying for things I had no chance of getting.

I can't tell you what to do, but all I can say is please be realistic and consider the difference between what you want and what is achievable.

I wanted to stay in museums and work at the Ashmolean (well I still do!). I gave it my best shot. But ultimately it wasn't achievable for me at the time, and if you can't make things work then you need to move on.

All I'm saying is don't wait too long to move on like I did. Decide what kind of life you want (ignoring career) and then work out what kind of career can make that happen. If that means you can stay in teaching - great! But if not, don't be afraid to consider other things.

Is your being there putting a financial strain on them? How old are they?

SweetasSpice - a job on my feet actually isn't suitable for me right now. I have a chronic issue (Morton's neuroma they think)

I'll be honest. When I think of staying here in the UK I just want to cry. Don't get me wrong - I love coming back to Scorland to visit. But Spain is my home now. I have spent a while building up my life there - I host events for women, I love my hiking group, my theatre group. I'm getting upset again just at the thought of not returning for 2 years. But it is true that if I don't get my degree I will never have any real earning power....

I know I'm not well. This started about 2 years ago when my ex cheated on me. I am long over him but my mental health has never fully recovered and I can't afford therapy atm. Yoga and hiking have been natural therapy.

I applied to online teaching today. Good while I'm sorting out my health issues but I don't like the thought of working alone.

Lockhart - I meant to say - I actually did move back to Scotland one before. I left my ESL life behind and set up a marketing business in UK. But as time wore on I missed Spain with all my heart. When I returned last time, I befriended people who had been in Spain for a long time and who were in a variety of professions. Ie quite a few of my friends have put down roots and intend to stay.

When I think of how I want my future to look I am always in Spain.

would having a PGCE make it easier to get jobs/better paid work in Spain?

Yes soccerbabe. I will be able to earn at least double what I get now.

The positions might be competitive but at least I will have the qualification. There are British schools that take you on for NQT year also

I don't know about Scotland but could you do the Schools direct route in England? Or teach in a private school (boarding?) or academy, or PRU? I sympathise with your situation, it's hard going 'home' after being an independent adult, and your parents are clearly not helping you. You obviously do have a plan but you need to broaden the unis you are willing to go to - there is no point applying to places and then not attending interview and deciding you don't want to go there. You sound highly motivated and I am sure things will work out for you in time.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you signed up to do supply work? They’d take you on to do TA cover work or cover supervisor with your experience. Would also be good experience for getting into uni.