AIBU to be so upset - parents piling on pressure re my future?

[Maria53]

I'm 27 and have been living in Spain teaching English for 3 years. I applied to do a pgce here in uk but was rejected from the unis I wanted. It was quite a big blow and I was quite surprised not to be invited for interview.

Anyway i"ve had a rough year. Almost had a full breakdown in June, had to leave my job a week before contracted end because I couldn't get out of bed. I worked at a summer school in July and have been trying to find employment for last 2 months. I am also dealing with 2 health issues & have been undergoing a lot of tests, which is making me feel nervous and quite stressed. All the while I am trying really hard to find a job and missing my life and all my friends in Spain. But gradually I have been trying to socialise and have joined a theatre group i like.

Today my mum asked what my 'plan' is. I said I'm trying to find a job as a priority, he just 'you need to think beyond that to reapplying at uni'. We had an argument and she said 'everything will slip away from you' meaning a stable future and I just burst into tears. The more she talked the tighter my chest felt, my heart rate went mad. My dad was grilling me the other day as well and I feel I have disappointed them both by not having my life sorted by now.

Anyway that was half an hour ago and I'm still sobbing! I am going to an induction today as I am volunteering at a book festival I love (my dad's reply was 'not paid though is it?'. No it's not but I'm trying to find a job and this helps my mental health immensely).

So you are doing everything you can. (Good luck for the appointments for tomorrow and next week!)

And of course you just want to feel better. Sadly, this is obviously going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

You said you'd confided in your Dad. Does your Mum know as well, about all your issues? You might need to gently remind them what you're up against, what you're doing, and maybe that might help them understand, and give you some breathing space?

Sometimes our worry for our kids can come out spectacularly wrong. So wrong, in fact, that it can be almost impossible for anyone (particularly our kids) not to think we meant it pretty much as badly as it sounded. . . (this mother says somewhat ruefully, having put both her feet in her mouth extremely badly with one of hers at a particularly sensitive juncture this weekend. . .)

Any reason moving back to Spain isn't an option? I know I'm far happier here than I ever was in the UK - I also felt way less pressure from people in my life and society to 'get a job' and have a 'stable' life (or whatever that means). 27 is still young and you have so much time to work it all out. I'd take a break from your parents if you can, they aren't helping.

I find that British people in your parent's generation are way hung up on 'proper jobs' and salaries. What is most important is that you are happy. What their opinion is, is irrelevant.

your health comes first.
avoid your parents.
their input sounds unhelpful.
do what brings you joy, or peace, or calm; the theatre, volunteering etc.
do not confide in your parents.
perhaps look into informal sources of support, counselling; community groups, special interest.
don't waste time or energy trying to analyse your parents.
draw a simple diagram; on one side plot all events, interactions daily.
on the other, how you feel. and take action accordingly.
eg, being got at by parents = feeling low, sad, unable.
doing theatre = feeling cheerful, hopeful, relaxed.
you are highly intelligent, and you like working with people.
those are two big pluses.
all the very best.

task for today, go outside, smile and greet one stranger over 55.
I know it sounds silly. but it's achievable. just avoid ganster-granny...

Why not rerturn to Spain for a while? If you enjoy the work, can get a job and have enough to live on (trust me, there is more to life than being rich) then it would do for the short to medium term. Sure you’ll need a different plan for long term but it would give you time to recover while you work out your next steps?

Any reason moving back to Spain isn't an option?

Well there's this Brexit thing that may mean rights to live and work in the EU are lost next month and that health provision for UK nationals may fall apart.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time OP.
Have you considered applying for Schools Direct places? You come out with QTS at the end but learn 'on the job', it's how I got into teaching although it was called something else then. One of the advantages of that route in is that you're paid a salary, so you wouldn't necessarily have to live at home while you did it?
Unless things have changed significantly since I did it, your best route into that may be to apply to be a TA in schools that do the scheme first. I think being a TA first is quite a good idea anyway. Especially if you have ongoing mental health problems, it might be worth waiting to start teaching until you feel a bit better as the pressure of teaching is intense- I loved the actual teaching but the constant scrutiny and massive workload meant I decided to change careers 4 years in.
Best of luck

What about the Open University?

Have you thought of applying to a Spanish university?

They do have many masters degrees taught in English.
www.findamasters.com/study-abroad/europe/masters-study-in-spain.aspx

Don’t worry about Brexit, you can get a student visa and Spain charges the same low tuition no matter where you come from.

“It's the only degree I can think of that will be transferable to having a good income in Spain.”

But if you get a graduate degree from a Spanish uni, you will be qualified to work in that field in Spain. You don’t have to be stuck teaching English. See what you can apply for with a BA in journalism....

Your parents are arseholes op. Sorry to be so blunt, but the sooner you realise this the better. They can't really help it, most parents are. And they do love you of course.

Only you know whats best for you. Your parents want you to do whats best for them. That is, to meet their goals that they have for you. They have their agenda, you have yours.

They think it's for your benefit, but it isn't.

So who should you listen too?

Are you certain sure that teaching is for you? As in full time classroom teaching?

As an ex teacher and someone who started out in ESL then did a PGCE, the difference is immense. Immense. The burn out rate is huge, the pressure is full on. It’s a completely different beast and I would give some serious thought to whether it is for you.

What about communications? Something in the charity sector? You could look into advocacy and working with young vulnerable adults. There are courses along those lines? Or something like occupational or speech therapy?

Have you thought about training to be a teacher in Spain? That's what my friend did, she's doing the Spanish version of OU while teaching esl part time.

Like this degree
International Relations MBA from Geneva Business School, Barcelona Spain Campus.

www.findamasters.com/masters-degrees/course/international-relations-mba/?i2985d8015c53914

“About

The Master of Business Administration (MBA) with a Major in International Relations at Geneva Business School has been designed to provide you with a deep understanding of the impact international relations and geopolitical factors have on operational management and business success. After completing this MBA, you will be well prepared for jobs in international fields such as human rights, arms control, international laws and treaties.

Over the course of this program you will:

Gain the capacity to work in the development of diplomatic strategy.
Introduce realistic solutions for the management of current global crises.
Be familiar with global cultures and social networking.
Build contacts with diplomatic organizations and staff to enhance global connectedness and vision.”

BA in journalism is ok as courses designed for
“The program is of particular relevance to those working, or planning to work in:

Diplomacy
Foreign Service
Journalism”

I wouldn’t entertain teacher training unless your health is robust.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to be concerned that their adult, late twenties child doesn’t have a concrete plan for a future career. I don’t know if they are subsidising you, but if they are, I can see why they would be eager for you to have something more definite, rather than the vague notions you have just now.

I think as your living with them and unemployed, and i suspect they may be financially supporting you in some way, that they are they are trying to motivate you to have a plan for your future past the immediate volunteering job, which likely would benefit your mental health.

Thanks everybody. I went to the volunteer induction & the upside is I'm going to be able to get free tickets for my mum to see some of her favourite authors...

Anyway it's not like I haven't tried. I applied to uni and was rejected. I was trying to plan. Then my employer stopped paying me and my colleagues and we all ended up really struggling.

I'm doing as much as I can in terms of sorting out my health and finding a job. I don't want to be unemployed. Aside from not being able to move out I can't sort out my fitness levels the way I want or see my friends very much due to cost. That all contributes to how I'm feeling.

I would say that the classroom is one place I feel fairly capable. I temporarily taught over summer when we had multiple inspections and it was v stressful...but NY colleagues commented I was the calmest of everyone and how was I handling it! I do also think I'm a good teacher. But I do understand the importance of being in the right frame of mind for the pgce...

No offence but a PGCE is hard work, it’s not a ride in the park. Do you think your mental health is up to it right now? Because if you are breaking down over the small things, a PGCE will be a big weight on your shoulders.

I honestly don't know. When I'm at work I seem to switch into 'teacher mode'. Actually the observation prep I had to do in the uk over the summer I was told is the same level as work my colleague had done for pgce assignments. It was tiring but doable.

I know it will be hard work. I think I probably could apply myself and get it done - especially as I'm sure part of my feelings are related to lacking direction. But at the same time...I can't say for sure. I would like to think I will be feeling/doing better in a year.

This week I am starting to write fiction for a teen esl magazine. It's a paid trial to see how it goes

So I suggested I might also like to get involved in esl publishing to my mum - and she just shook her head and said it's impossible to get into publishing so there's no point basically. I am just trying to explore my options. I have loads of experience in content creation.

Sounds like you're having a tough time OP.

In my experience, once your health (including mental health) is being dealt with properly then everything else will fall into place. Try focus on yourself for now and remember you're doing everything you can.

Pressure and judgement from other people, especially your parents, sucks big time. Tell them you're doing your best and carry on. Things have a funny way of sorting themselves out given enough time. You sound like a very intelligent woman and I'm sure everything isn't just going to "slip away" when you have the academic background you already have.

You can absolutely do this

Don't listen to people who say "it's impossible to get into...." It's nonsense. It might be hard, but of course it's not impossible. Don't allow their negativity to put you off exploring your options.

This kind of rut can only be broken out of with big changes that aren't fun when you start.

The idea that you simply can't apply to more jobs is rubbish, unless you're applying for literally dozens a day. When I lost my job at 6 months pregnant, I spent the first week after losing the job applying to over 200 positions. I treated applying and interviewing like a full time job.

The fact that you think the important things that would get you back on track are more self-centered things like going to the gym and seeing your friends points to a very immature attitude for someone nearly 30. The important thing to get you back on track is productive labor. It's amazing how satisfying it is to mental health to be productive instead of consuming.

But if what you want is to hear that you're very hard done by whenever your mother asks you to reapply or have goals, I'm sure people here will be willing to cosset you and tell you exactly what you'd like to hear. There are always a few.

"Couldn't get out of bed" is something that only happens to people who have a home to go to even if their wages stop. People facing homelessness or real strife don't lose jobs because they can't get out of bed, then say that what they really need is a gym membership and some cash to party while mom gets off their case.

Well done WombofOnesOwn I'm sure your post will be edifying and inspiring for the OP - not.

It may surprise you to learn that people are different. Your experiences and strategies may not even be relevant here.