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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends' kids eat crap - Can I help?

61 replies

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:07

AIBU to ask advice on how I could try to help my friend and her children? (Or should I leave well alone?!).

My friend has always been naturally slim and able to eat whatever she wants all the time. She doesn't eat like a pig, but just never needed to consider it.

She and her DH have 2DDs, one 4 and one 7. DD7 is very overweight for her age and DD4 is getting to be like that too. They're very happy girls and all have a lovely home life.

Problem is, friend only feeds them utter crap all the time. And let's them (encourages them) to snack all through the day too. A lot of times they'll be happily playing or watching tv or whatever and she'll just randomly bring them chocolate or milkshake or crisps etc.. when they've not even said they're hungry or thirsty. This goes on after dinner time too - right up until just before they go to bed.

I have no children and dont profess to be super knowledgable on it, but I can physically see they're struggling with being so overweight and I worry about how they'll deal with it as they get older and into an age where it will.mean a lot more to them than it does now.

How do I help, should I even? Should i just leave it alone as it's none if my business? Help me please. They're some of my dearest friends and the girls are like family to me.

*also before anyone jumps in on the DH bashing and asking where he is in all this, he works nights and my friend does all the cooking - it just works for their family and that's not even an issue.

OP posts:

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 15/09/2019 16:09

I get your concern but it's none of your business.

Quaffy · 15/09/2019 16:09

Honestly, I’d leave it well alone.

Etino · 15/09/2019 16:10

You can’t say anything. However you can be alert to your friend noticing it or wanting to start a conversation. My very amateur armchair diagnosis would be that your friend doesn’t have the uncomplicated relationship you imagine she does with food herself.

Rubyupbeat · 15/09/2019 16:10

Keep out of it, unless she isn't very bright, she will know what she is doing.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2019 16:12

Even though you mean well, it really isn’t anything to do with you. I can’t imagine any version of what you could say to her without it causing upset

Beechview · 15/09/2019 16:19

It would be really good if you could help, but what could you say that wouldn’t cause offence?
The only thing I can think of is having a general conversation about good health and exercise.

Bobbybobbins · 15/09/2019 16:23

You can't really say anything unless she brings it up.

Goodlookingcreature · 15/09/2019 16:23

I totally get where you’re coming from. I had a friend who was so lazy she only ever fed her kids processed foods (frosties for breakfast, ready made pancakes with butter for lunch, chicken nuggets and chips for dinner, chocolate bread for tea) would be a standard day, then lollipops and sweets and juice and chocolate for treats throughout the day. One of her kids, at 2 years old, was being given the same portion sized “treat” as an adult. Of course she justifies her slovenly behaviour as “they’re fussy eaters” yes of course they are because you’re not bothered your hoop to give anything different. She was putting chocolate powder in her 2 year olds night time bottle!!!

Some parents are just vile and to be honest I think you should consider reporting neglect to SS

Ithinkmycatisevil · 15/09/2019 16:26

How do you think your friend would take it? You know her best.

Tbh though I’d probably leave it. Unless you think it’s serious enough to risk loosing her friendship over.

BogglesGoggles · 15/09/2019 16:27

Are you willing to loose your friendship over this? If so then just tell her. It might shock her into doing something. If not then stay out of it,

Original poster

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:28

Goodlookingcreature I'm absolutely not going to report her. She's a wonderful person and mother in so many ways and she certainly isn't lazy or neglectful. Literally the only thing is the food - and I think it's actually because she is a bit disillusioned about what is actually healthy and nutritious and what isn't.

Thank you for all your responses. I've been sitting on this feeling for a couple of years now and never have said anything as it really is none of my business.

She loves her DDs so so much and one of her ways of showing it is with constant nice treats and giving them whatever they want for dinners (obvs small children aren't known for their healthy critical decision making skills). I also think a small part of it is not being a very good cook and not knowing much about ingredients or cooking from fresh. Everything is premade packaged frozen or in a packet but it isn't laziness its naivety

OP posts:

Original poster

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:32

BogglesGoggles weve been friends forever, we've been close since before she even met her husband 10+ years ago so not a friendship I'd even want to risk. She is a wo deful person but she is quite proud and can be a bit closed off to help or advice because she likes to do what she believes is best. This is really why I've not brought it up as I anticipate she'd be very upset

OP posts:

Expressedways · 15/09/2019 16:33

It sounds like your friend might have much more unhealthy relationship with food than you thought. I get that you mean well but I really can’t see a way to raise this without risking the friendship. I’d be very surprised if the girls haven’t already been weighed by the doctor/school/health visitor at some point and she’s already been told that they’re overweight. The only subtle thing I can think of is suggesting active activities when you meet up rather than hanging around at her house all day.

Streamside · 15/09/2019 16:34

You're a great friend and just need to find an angle which allows you to help her without upsetting her.Are there any cookery classes near you, I'm assuming that most of them will have a low waste, whole food emphasis nowadays. She really just needs to know a bit more about nutrition and healthier attitudes to food but that's not an easy task.

PollyGirl · 15/09/2019 16:35

Could you tell her you would like to eat more healthily and also are wanting to avoid waste (eg ready made meals) and ask if she would go with you to a cookery/nutrition workshop as you want to get better at cooking healthy stuff from scratch?

Goodlookingcreature · 15/09/2019 16:35

If she is feeding her children unhealthy food to the point they are grossly overweight then I’m afraid that is neglect.

GinNotGym19 · 15/09/2019 16:39

I think she’s probably good at hiding her own issues with food.
I don’t think there’s much you can do. Parents hate being told their kids are overweight and they say parents can’t see it when their kids are.
There’s always loads of threads on there saying stuff like the school has weighed their kids and said they are overweight but it must be complete bollocks. There was also the article in the news with the size 24 girl that can’t fit into uniform and her mum was insisting she’s healthy

Sunflower20 · 15/09/2019 16:40

You're a good friend. But honestly I don't think you can say anything unless she brings it up. It must be hard to see....children being fed shite to the point of being overweight.....that's poor parenting.

listsandbudgets · 15/09/2019 16:43

Goodlookingcreature this isn't neglect.. or at least not on a scale to involve SS.

They are sadly too busy dealing with children living in squalid dangerous environments perhaps with violence, prostitution or drugs in the home or maybe not being fed at all. A few unhealthy snacks will barely register in their radar.

I used to have a job involving going into people's homes and only once contacted SS. The house was so filthy I could smell it before she opened dd the door. Sje stink of alcohol. There were rat droppings all over the place, dog poo scattered around hall, mouldy plates and rotting food on kitchen surfaces... unfortunately I was desperate for toilet but the state of the bathroom was enough to make me hold on until later. Toilet blocked and overflowing, bath full of water and evidently being used as a make shift toilet.

There wer 3 children living in that house aged 4, 6 and 9.

Swisskit · 15/09/2019 16:44

I think you're right to be concerned. Maybe you can bring up the subject by talking about something you've read (newspaper article for example) saying that snacking isn't good for children, or something along those lines. Not a criticism of her, but just to broach the subject and see if she bites.

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2019 16:46

Was this how she was fed herself as a child? Or maybe she was neglected in some way and this is her version of love?

I’d be very concerned but it’s extremely difficult to know how to open a conversation which does, essentially, criticise the very core of her parenting. Perhaps you could start by visiting with a lovely selection of fruits to nibble while doing an activity?

Original poster

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:51

Thanks all for the great responses - definitely trying to find a creative angle to broach it.

In the past, when they come over to mine, I make an activity out of making dinner or a snack and they love getting their hands dirty (so to speak) and listening to me telling them all about what foods I'm using and what we're making and they genuinely love it.
The problem is when it comes to eating any of it, they simply won't accept it. They do that (really frigging annoying) kid thing of taking a tiny weeny microbe-sized nibble and then claiming it's absolutely vile when I'm sure their mouths haven't even registered a flavour.

OP posts:

Original poster

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:54

MatildaTheCat from what I know of her childhood it was great, her parents are still together and happy and we all even get together sometimes. She's got 3 siblings too who all have their own families and seem v. Happy and normal too so I've no reason to think its come from something in her past (that I know of of course).

OP posts:

palahvah · 15/09/2019 16:54

I often find MB to be far more avoidant or non-interventionist that I would be inclined to be.

SS may well not have the resources to get involved here, but this is neglectful of the children and there are other posts on here saying exactly that about older children who are overweight.

If she's a good friend, how do you think she would respond if you raised it.

Asking if she wants to come with you to a nutrition course or healthy cooking class is great if she takes you up on it and prepares food differently as a result. You could say you were thinking about it and gauge her reaction from there.

Have you seen anything to suggest she may have issues with food herself?

Actionhasmagic · 15/09/2019 16:55

Oooh tough one. Could you buy a recipe book for kids as a Christmas gift?

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