Friends' kids eat crap - Can I help?

[FatAndFurious7]

AIBU to ask advice on how I could try to help my friend and her children? (Or should I leave well alone?!).

My friend has always been naturally slim and able to eat whatever she wants all the time. She doesn't eat like a pig, but just never needed to consider it.

She and her DH have 2DDs, one 4 and one 7. DD7 is very overweight for her age and DD4 is getting to be like that too. They're very happy girls and all have a lovely home life.

Problem is, friend only feeds them utter crap all the time. And let's them (encourages them) to snack all through the day too. A lot of times they'll be happily playing or watching tv or whatever and she'll just randomly bring them chocolate or milkshake or crisps etc.. when they've not even said they're hungry or thirsty. This goes on after dinner time too - right up until just before they go to bed.

I have no children and dont profess to be super knowledgable on it, but I can physically see they're struggling with being so overweight and I worry about how they'll deal with it as they get older and into an age where it will.mean a lot more to them than it does now.

How do I help, should I even? Should i just leave it alone as it's none if my business? Help me please. They're some of my dearest friends and the girls are like family to me.

*also before anyone jumps in on the DH bashing and asking where he is in all this, he works nights and my friend does all the cooking - it just works for their family and that's not even an issue.

See if there's a cookery workshop or something similar in your area. Ask her to go with you for company. Take fruit for the girls when you visit. Talk to her about nutrition in general, like how much salt/sugar/fat is in ready meals.

Palahvah I think she would be offended and upset if I just came out with it, it's probably her only personality downside but she is proud and likes what she like and knows what she knows, which also means I dont think she'd be open to a course or anything even if I just asked her to go with me. I'm trying to bring our din ers and getogethers to mine a lot more lately so at least I can be in a bit more control of what we're eating. The problem is she's now started feeding the girls before they all come over as she doesn't want them to go without if they claim to not like what I'm making (which is all the time).

Acrionhasmagic - that's a brilliant idea! They both love reading and it would seem relevant as they enjoy helping me make things when they come over, genius!

I like to think what I'd say what needed to be said - though it's hard. I think overfeeding children is the kind of poor parenting that verges on abusive. (Trying to be a 'friend' to your kids rather than a Mum or Dad.) Essentially it's setting up kids for a variety severe health problems in later life.

It might mean that the friendship suffers, but I don't think I could let this one pass.

Obviously if your friend - a mature adult - wants/needs to eat a lot of the kind of food that leads to obesity - that is one thing. But inflicting these poor choices on her children is another For their sake it would be right to attempt to eat fruit, vegetables, some kinds of food that are not highly processed.

I'd think about inviting her and the girls swimming once/twice a week. Tell her you are wanting to try and keep fit and would love some a support and does she think it would be something her the DC would enjoy.
I find the more active I am, the more I feel like looking after myself and she may just be a but stuck in a rut.

Atlasta that's a really nice idea, we do have a good pool nearby so worth a shot!

I think it is really tough to say anything without risking the friendship.
If she notices and is bothered by their weight, and mentions it to you, you can make some gentle suggestions for ideas.

There's just no good way to say 'Your kids are fat and it's your fault'.

I understand you mean well but you really can't fix this and need to just be a good friend in other ways.

Some parents are just vile and to be honest I think you should consider reporting neglect to SS

Good luck with that. Do you have any idea how many overweight children there are in this country? If Children's Services actually intervened every time a child had a weight problem they'd never do anything else!!

I’m not surprised you are concerned and it must be so frustrating to see why she is doing and how the girls are being affected, but also tough to find a way to get through to her without offending. You say you know her parents, have you tried enlisting their help maybe? If the siblings and other grandkids are all healthy weight, they may have noticed too. I’m not saying she’ll take it better from her Mum, but at least you could talk to someone else about it and put your heads together?

Also, you’re letting the DH off too lightly. He may not be able to cook meals or police the evening snacking but he must have noticed that they are overweight (and as pps have said, it’s likely to have been flagged in routine health checks already). It absolutely is his responsibility to talk to his wife about how they can safeguard their daughters’ health and working nights is not a get- out clause from basic parenting. Is he overweight?

Do you ever watch TV together? Could you subtly suggest watching something like “Eat well for less” or Hairy Dieters or something, pretend that you are intrigued yourself about what they have to say?

Also, with the girls, as they get older maybe you can steer them towards You Tube influencer types who are into healthy cooking and eating?

Good luck.

Yes, suggesting to report to SS is utter nonsense.

That’s a really tough one, I’d want to say something too, but its a major criticism of her parenting skills so I really don’t think there is any way of doing it without upsetting her. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like and how brutally honest you are with each other generally. But unless she is really too stupid to understand basic nutrition then this is a choice that she has made for her family, rather than ignorance.

I wonder if there are back episodes of I Can Cook are still on iPlayer. Probably on YouTube. My DC loved watching and then making the recipes.

I'm working hard on getting my children out of bad eating habits set up by me for all the sorts of reasons posters are suggesting.

What I have did was an in between period of home made versions of "children's" food.... Homemade fish fingers and chicken nuggets. So it's less processed. Served with crunchy vegetable sticks and breadsticks. You could try that when they are visiting?

Home made cookies, cake and ice lollies.... You could buy cookie cutters and ice lolly moulds and fruit to make smoothie type lollies? And then I gradually reduced how many treats/snacks.

This is a really difficult situation OP. It must be horrible for you having to watch a family you care about set themselves up for significant problems in the future but I really don't think there's much you can do. The suggestions to take the girls swimming or other physical activity are well-meaning but the reality is that with what they're eating it won't make a real difference to their weight. It's a cliché I know but you really can't outrun a bad diet. I don't think there is a subtle, non-confrontational way to make your friend understand that this is a problem- you would have to tell her straight and that's not easy. Research has shown that parents find it impossible to be objective when it comes to their own DC's weight. They can correctly identify other DC as being 'overweight' or a healthy weight but not their own. So it may well come as a genuine shock to your friend if you tell her that you're concerned about her DD's weight and she is likely to shoot the messenger, big time! Only you will have any idea as to whether your friendship is strong enough to recover from something like that.

IME even being slightly critical of someone else’s parenting is a definite no-no. Other parents don’t like to be told their parenting choices are lacking. Maybe take some healthy cooking books round on your next visit and tell her you’ve found some amazing recipes that are really good and wondered if she was interested in trying some out on her DCs?

She has an eating disorder. It won't be that she doesn't know what a healthy diet is, it will be that she CANNOT help herself even if her children suffer, as it is part of her fucked up relationship with eating and food.

There is nothing you can do really unless you are brave enough to tell her so. It almost certainly won't make any difference immediately, but sometimes for some MH issues, just knowing that someone else knows, that what a sufferer thought was well hidden is in fact visible to other people, might help her get help.

How are their teeth?

Also, others are right. It is impossible for her to be eating what you describe and not be overweight. Do you ever actually see food pass her lips, or just watch her feed others? People with eating disorders can sometimes be “feeders” of other people I believe.

I really don't think you should say anything. I'm sure you're well intentioned but she hasn't asked for your opinion and advice and anyway, what makes you think you'll be the one to make her see the error of her ways?

In this day and age the vast majority of parents will know what is and isn't healthy food but for various reasons don't actually follow advice. For some that may be down to affordability, for some it's because they're a bit lazy or prioritize other things and find it easy to minimize the potential impact of a poor diet (relatives of mine!) and ime some parents struggle to say no to their dc or see them unhappy in any way, often down to their own childhood. One of my best friends is like that and while I'm privately quite shocked by her child's diet and the fact she's on the road to the type of life long weight issues her mother has struggled with, I'm not going to risk the friendship just to give her my tuppence worth.

She doesn't actually snack much at all, she's very slim (not healthy and fit slim, more just naturally slim) - it's odd. She is a massive feeder and that's the issue she even plies me with constant snacks when I'm round there or with them. I've even made big dramatic comments before like saying 'oooh no I couldn't possibly I've literally only just finished the last chocolates / crisps / biscuits you gave me, I'm stuffed!' But that doesn't work...

She does eat a good amount herself though, she always eats a decent sized portion for meals and is really open to trying new things and normally loves it (as long as someone else cooked it or we're out for a meal). It just doesn't translate back into her home life.

For the pp who asked, DH is not overweight either, he has a manual job and eats normally and is in v. Good shape probably better than average tbf

Thank you cantsleep. Well thought out reply and basically what I'm feeling

Well you are good friends, Just ask her why she feeds her children all the time. Like it’s something you noticed about her rather than her fat children.
She might not even realise she’s doing it.

and the fact she's on the road to the type of life long weight issues her mother has struggled with, I'm not going to risk the friendship just to give her my tuppence worth.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe when you see it written down in black and white though, does it not feel wrong to prioritise a friendship over preventing a child from ending up with lifelong health issues?

I guess the problem is that your intervention probably wouldn’t work and then you’d have lost the friendship for nothing. At least by staying friends you can try to do little things from within, as it were.

OP, it was me who asked about the husband’s weight. You haven’t commented on the fact that he is hiding his head in the sand?

Hi argumentativeaardvark sorry didn't mean to miss your other question.

If I'm honest its partially also as he shows no interest in cooking and my friend is all over it I including all the food shopping and general house management. I dont think she'd like it at all if he suggested doing dinner every now and then and getting involved with what's in the kitchen cupboards. That's a whole other issue though as she's the same with cleaning and organising the house etc.. she's a STAHM so takes a lot of pride in making sure he doesn't have to do much or really anything around the house. He's a wonderful dad though and hes the one who always takes them out and does active things with them. I think he knows the weight thing is an issue and gently tries to help but I'm not close enough with him to feel comfortable to mention it to him to show support or get his thoughts. But I've been thinking lately that might be my best way in as I think he'd probably be more receptive to it.

Also worth saying he's sort of a 'anything-for-an-easy-life' sort of guy, not that that's ideal obvs but she can be quite difficult with people disagreeing with her and he's a mellow enough guy to just not continue arguing if she's not backing down

I wsn’t suggesting that he step in and take over the cooking, but if anyone can have a frank word with her about what she is doing it should be him, right? It’s all very well to keep your mouth shut for an easy life but at the expense of your children’s health?