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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends' kids eat crap - Can I help?

61 replies

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 16:07

AIBU to ask advice on how I could try to help my friend and her children? (Or should I leave well alone?!).

My friend has always been naturally slim and able to eat whatever she wants all the time. She doesn't eat like a pig, but just never needed to consider it.

She and her DH have 2DDs, one 4 and one 7. DD7 is very overweight for her age and DD4 is getting to be like that too. They're very happy girls and all have a lovely home life.

Problem is, friend only feeds them utter crap all the time. And let's them (encourages them) to snack all through the day too. A lot of times they'll be happily playing or watching tv or whatever and she'll just randomly bring them chocolate or milkshake or crisps etc.. when they've not even said they're hungry or thirsty. This goes on after dinner time too - right up until just before they go to bed.

I have no children and dont profess to be super knowledgable on it, but I can physically see they're struggling with being so overweight and I worry about how they'll deal with it as they get older and into an age where it will.mean a lot more to them than it does now.

How do I help, should I even? Should i just leave it alone as it's none if my business? Help me please. They're some of my dearest friends and the girls are like family to me.

*also before anyone jumps in on the DH bashing and asking where he is in all this, he works nights and my friend does all the cooking - it just works for their family and that's not even an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 18:24

Argumentativeaardvark you're right. My only concern there is a backfire because at least if I go straight to her then it's not second hand, I dont know her DH well enough to know if he'd mention it to her like 'youll never believe what fatandfurious said to me', which I feel would be worse y'know?

OP posts:
ThirstyGhost · 15/09/2019 18:48

I wouldn't say anything. It'll sour the friendship. She'll feel upset and also self-conscious every time she feeds her kids in front of you.

I would keep it in mind though as I think at some point it'll be brought up as an issue. There'll be one of those letters you read about on here from the school about the children's BMI (I'm in Scotland and I don't think we get them here - yet) or something else will force the issue like a relative will comment on it and then your friend will be looking for support. I suppose you could also plant a few seeds by white lying a little: saying that you've had to go to the dentist AGAIN because of your teeth and the dentist gave you a row; say your blood pressure is a little bit high and so you're cutting back on snacks. I dunno. It's really difficult.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/09/2019 19:12

*@ArgumentativeAardvaark Why on earth would you imagine I can prevent somebody elses child from ending up with lifelong health issues? I can't and criticising her, however gently or well intentioned, isn't going to change how she parents. Her childhood and her own issues play a huge part in how she shows love to her child (true for many) and that's not something I can fix.

Venger · 15/09/2019 19:46

I would leave it all well alone. She won't thank you for saying something, you'll likely lose the friendship, and her habits aren't going to change.

If she says something to you about it then that's a different matter, at that point you can tactfully discuss it and talk about small changes she could make.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/09/2019 22:16

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe. I said exactly that in the second paragraph of my post...did you not read the whole thing?!

StockTakeFucks · 15/09/2019 22:27

There's a 14 yo in the papers that is size 24. That doesn't happen overnight.

You're either really good friends,which also involved honesty and looking out for each other or you're not. If she drops you as a friend because you're concerned about her kids then that's that.

Would you hesitate is she was hitting them or starving them or swearing at them daily?

palahvah · 19/09/2019 07:19

*There's a 14 yo in the papers that is size 24. That doesn't happen overnight.

You're either really good friends,which also involved honesty and looking out for each other or you're not. If she drops you as a friend because you're concerned about her kids then that's that.*

This, all day long.

TheClaws · 19/09/2019 07:58

How can you possibly know all this detail about your friend, her DH and her children? It’s somewhat creepy. Sorry. However, I also agree with the posters above: if you are this close, then you should say or something. It might break the friendship, but at least you’ll know you’ve tried your best to bring the girls onto a better path to health.

bellabasset · 19/09/2019 08:24

I agree it's difficult, I think though what might well happen is when the dds are at school they are likely to be weighed and then your friend might be told they're obese. That would be the time you'd be able to support your friend.

In view of the possibility of bullying I don't think the 14 year should have been identified let alone a picture of her printed. The Head Teacher needs to apply common sense and accept that a pleated skirt is unrealistic for this child. Perhaps a slightly flared skirt style is more adaptable and flattering for girls with bigger hips than pleated skirts.

smalalalalalala · 19/09/2019 13:13

Have you thought she might have herself an eating disorder that you are not aware of?

Maybe compensating with her children.

ConkerGame · 19/09/2019 13:53

OP I would try a number of subtle tacks:

  1. get the kids doing something active with you on the pretence that you want to do it. Is there a junior Parkrun near you? Hopefully this will counter some of their bad diet on the weight front, but also once someone finds an activity they enjoy doing, they want to get better at it and they might see that the faster kids are the ones who are slimmer etc and it might make the kids themselves want to do something about their diet. If this happens then you can offer to help your friend with changing their diet.

  2. I would look for articles /tv programmes on child obesity and then pretend you’ve just “come across” them and bring them up with your friend in an indirect way, eg “did you see that thing in the news / on that programme where they said just one chocolate bar a day is really bad for children’s health? I’d never realised before how damaging such a small amount of treats could be!” Hopefully this will prompt her to think a bit...

  3. she needs to learn how to prepare healthy meals so definitely try to get her to do a course with you, as a “favour” to you if she wouldn’t normally be keen!

  4. maybe drop in some “personal anecdotes” about “friends” whose children weigh X and have been told by their school / GP to cut out all snacks other than chopped veg and hummus.

None of the above is directed at her parenting but will hopefully prompt at least some change in thought...

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