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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mil to go home

79 replies

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:12

Hello guys, asking for some advice before i tell my DW i want her mum to fuck off home!

So bit of back ground, my wife is from Hungary, she has been in the uk for 7 years, we met 4 years ago, her mother has made it quite clear from day 1 she doesnt want my wife to be in the uk and makes it obvious when she is here.

We are expecting our little girl in october, she decided she was gonna come over a week before the due date and stay for 3 weeks, i was kinda ok with this as my wife doesnt see her much. But in the end she came over on the 7th of September, i was quite pissed off with this, but didnt want to stress my wife, so i let it go!

She flew over and because she told us she was coming over 2 days before, i wasnt able to get tbe time off work to pick her up from the airport, this caused a massive argument, so it began!

We had to go for a growth scan last week, she decided she didnt want to come, and i found this really sad because she hasnt been to any scans with us before!

Then on friday she moaned at my wife, because all she has done since she got here is sit in the house and done nothing, because my wife is still at work, i said i dunno why she came so early!!

And the we come to yesterday, my mum whos has been brilliant throughout the pregnancy organized afternoon tea and a mini baby shower for close friends and family, it cost her quite a bit of money! In the morning my mil was moaning about it blah blah blah! We turned up and straight away she wasnt interested, sat away from everyone, and when we went to show her the presants she flung her arms up in the air and rolled her eyes! We ended up leaving early because i was pissed off and quite frankly embarrassed and so was my wife! My mum was also very upset because she had put alot of effort and money into the afternoon tea!

I just want her to fuck off now, my wife wants her in the delivery room but i really dont want her there but know its not down to me!

Aibu to ask my wife if she can send her home

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2019 13:16

Your mil sounds really rude

Ask your wife how she feels about it

SandyY2K · 15/09/2019 13:19

Try your best to ignore her is my advice. Your wife wants her in the delivery room...you cav let your wife know you'd prefer she wasn't there, but you'll respect her decision either way.

All the moaning about being bored is tough sh&t. She's not here on vacation and it's her fault for coming early...again ignore her. Let your wife deal with her, or you'll become public enemy number 1.

Don't tell her to go home...if your wife wants to...she can do that.

The trick with such inlaws is developing selective hearing... ignore.

GirlOnFireWaterPlease · 15/09/2019 13:19

my wife wants her in the delivery room but i really dont want her there but know its not down to me!

You need to talk to your wife and tell her this. Talk, don't demand. So many things can be solved by just talking.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/09/2019 13:21

I’d speak to your wife

Ask open questions and she how she feels

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/09/2019 13:21

Your MIL does sound like a prize arsehole though so you have my sympathies

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 15/09/2019 13:24

She sounds awful so you have my sympathies. Ultimately though I think it's up to your wife who she has in the delivery room. It's worth talking to her though in case she also doesn't want her mum there and just hasn't said.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/09/2019 13:24

Whilst I can totally see where you are coming from, I think now is not the time for inadvertently starting a family war.
Your wife is in a vulnerable position as a first time mother about to give birth and if she has expressed a wish to have MIL in the delivery room she clearly feels she needs her around and it would be wrong of you to demand otherwise. (Assuming of course that it is your wife that wants MIL there and not MIL demanding this.)

I think the best way forward now would be to express to your wife that you’d like some time as a couple over the next few weeks before baby arrives and would it be possible for the two of you to carve out some time together as well as sometime after the baby has been born to find your feet as a family of three.

Whilst I can understand your frustrations I really think you need to support your wife by showing her you won’t push her mother away entirely and you support her decisions re the birth but also you’d appreciate it if your wife could understand that you need time away fromMIL, particularly since her stay had been unexpectedly extended.

BornInAThunderstorm · 15/09/2019 13:25

She sounds like an arsehole but if your wife wants here here for the end of her pregnancy and birth then that is what matters

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/09/2019 13:27

You sound like a saint Op for putting up with that crap. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a chat about boundaries. The MIL sounds awful.This should be a special time between you and wife not MIL too...Bet she will take some getting rid of.Not an easy one but she wouldnt be doing it in our house!

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:30

Thank you very much, i would never demand that my mil shouldnt be in the room! She has just made in clear in my eyes the last few weeks thats shes not interested really!
I will speak to my wife and she what she says, she is also very angry at her mum and they havent spoken since yesterday and there is just this horrible atmosphere in the house at the moment

OP posts:

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 15/09/2019 13:31

What does your wife say?

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 15/09/2019 13:32

Sorry cross posted.

When you talk to your wife about it, don't slag off the mother. Even if the mother is an arsehole, she's still her mother. Approach if with no obvious negative opinion and just tell her you're worried about the negative effect on her rather than how you feel about the MIL.

Reallynowdear · 15/09/2019 13:33

Yes you would be unreasonable.

It's clear you don't like your MIL, have you ever thought how hard it is for your wife to live in different country from her mother?

Ignore her rudeness. You mention you left your mums because you were pissed off. That was rude of you, I hope your wife isn't having to referee between you and your MIL at this late stage in her pregnancy.

strawberry2017 · 15/09/2019 13:37

You don't need that negativity around at this important stage. Has she always been like this?
Maybe ask her straight what her issue is? She might feel left out but if that's the case she's not showing it very well.
See how your wife feels. She's the most important person right now. X

HugoSpritz · 15/09/2019 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BogglesGoggles · 15/09/2019 13:42

Just ask your wife what she wants to happen and offer to do any of the confrontation if necessary.

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:44

@Reallynowdear

From day 1 of me and my wife getting together she has disliked me and i would go as far as saying its because im English, my wife was already in England before i met her so its not like i have made her come to England to be with me, ive always tried to be nice and but it always gets chucked back in my face, now i just ignore it, but have found it very hard to ignore it the last few weeks! Ive even tried to learn Hungarian so i can communicate with her, but she just laughs at me because im not that great at it!

My wife hasnt had to do any refereeing because i just cant be bothered to argue with her, whats the point!

And no my mum told me she didnt mind us leaving early because her mum had already ruined the day

OP posts:

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/09/2019 13:45

I will speak to my wife and she what she says, she is also very angry at her mum and they havent spoken since yesterday and there is just this horrible atmosphere in the house at the moment

In that case I would approach it from the position of "I'm worried that all this stress and the atmosphere in the house isn't good for you or the baby" rather than "your DM is doing my head in". Explain that you understand that she loves her DM and respect her right to have in the delivery room if that's what she really wants but you're concerned that it may upset her if DM isn't as supportive as she's hoping she will be.

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2019 13:46

Maybe suggest that she returns home. When the babys had all her injections, you'll bring her over. But stay at a hotel nearby. I don't think having her mother living with you is going to be any good.

Timandra · 15/09/2019 13:46

I think if she's going to be in your home for that number of weeks, it would be very reasonable for you to challenge her on the worst of her behaviour.

Tell her that she was rude at the baby shower and if she wants to be invited to any more social occasions, she needs to agree to be polite and keep any complaints to herself.

Deciding not to come to scans isn't something you should comment on but her presence should not be making for a stressful atmosphere in the house. Some ground rules might need to be agreed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 13:46

You have my sympathies. Your mil doesn’t deserve all the attention she’s getting. You really need to stop giving your mil the ability to pull your strings. She behaved badly at the party? So what, her choice. She could have sat in a chair by herself, gone and sat in the car or gone back to your house in a taxi. Maybe if you ignore her enough she will decide to go home of her own accord. Is your fil alive and are they together?

NicLondon1 · 15/09/2019 13:51

I can empathise with this - and feel like I should add there is probably a bit of a cultural gulf going on. My own mother is from a similar Eastern European country, and my English husband (and his parents) often find her behaviour extremely rude. Over there they just do not do "niceties", they find it normal to express any anger, annoyance, tiredness etc in an overt way. The whole region is like it! If someone is in a bad mood, they will show it!
Over the last 10 years with my husband, we've had periods where we've kept both sets of parents away from each other for a long while, as people got upset.
We've also had to talk to both of them to try to explain the cultural differences and what is expected. Sounds obvious, but I've had to encourage my own mother to be much more polite, send gifts and thank you cards etc etc!
He also gets annoyed that she stays for longer periods than he'd like. She's about to stay for 10 days. I will probably try to talk to her about one week being preferable for us next time,
Basically, I'd advise you to get through it this time, as the birth is important. But you'll need to talk to your wife and have her advocate for your needs in future! Good luck!

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:54

@Mummyoflittledragon normally i try to ignore her behaviour but with my wife being pregnant i finding it hard to at the moment, but im trying to bite my tongue because i dont want to stress my wife and baby! Nope she hasnt seen her dad since she was 6, he walked out

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 15/09/2019 13:54

She sounds horrible, but your wife says she wants her in the delivery room, and I would say that is still more important.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:01

I am married to an Eastern European. As another PP said, they don’t do social niceties, at least not as westerners know them. Also, a baby shower is a weird and ‘unlucky’ concept as you are not supposed to buy stuff before the birth. There are many other nuances too, and I wonder if you and your MIL simply don’t get each other on a fundamental level. Cut her some slack. It is usual for Eastern European mothers to play a big role once the child is born and in future this could be very helpful to you. She might not be an arsehole at all. (Or she might be, but give her time.) Please judge her on the basis of how she helps out after the birth, not now.

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