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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mil to go home

79 replies

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:12

Hello guys, asking for some advice before i tell my DW i want her mum to fuck off home!

So bit of back ground, my wife is from Hungary, she has been in the uk for 7 years, we met 4 years ago, her mother has made it quite clear from day 1 she doesnt want my wife to be in the uk and makes it obvious when she is here.

We are expecting our little girl in october, she decided she was gonna come over a week before the due date and stay for 3 weeks, i was kinda ok with this as my wife doesnt see her much. But in the end she came over on the 7th of September, i was quite pissed off with this, but didnt want to stress my wife, so i let it go!

She flew over and because she told us she was coming over 2 days before, i wasnt able to get tbe time off work to pick her up from the airport, this caused a massive argument, so it began!

We had to go for a growth scan last week, she decided she didnt want to come, and i found this really sad because she hasnt been to any scans with us before!

Then on friday she moaned at my wife, because all she has done since she got here is sit in the house and done nothing, because my wife is still at work, i said i dunno why she came so early!!

And the we come to yesterday, my mum whos has been brilliant throughout the pregnancy organized afternoon tea and a mini baby shower for close friends and family, it cost her quite a bit of money! In the morning my mil was moaning about it blah blah blah! We turned up and straight away she wasnt interested, sat away from everyone, and when we went to show her the presants she flung her arms up in the air and rolled her eyes! We ended up leaving early because i was pissed off and quite frankly embarrassed and so was my wife! My mum was also very upset because she had put alot of effort and money into the afternoon tea!

I just want her to fuck off now, my wife wants her in the delivery room but i really dont want her there but know its not down to me!

Aibu to ask my wife if she can send her home

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 15/09/2019 14:02

I think your MIl is on the defensive because she feels as though she is losing her daughter to an alien culture. She isn’t dealing with it very well, but the feelings are from hurt and fear of loss, rather than actually hating you . Does she speak english well ? If not she might feel embarassed and prickly in a room full of english people.
Honestly she will probably always be tricky but the more you can rise above it, and shower her with affection, the better it will be. Kill with kindness ! When the baby arrives she will have something else to focus on, and if she feels valued and needed, she will probably start to soften.
I think there are also large cultural differences, which aren’t helping.
When she sees you being a good and loving father, and has her tiny granddaughter, I think she will start to be less defensive.

Nonnymum · 15/09/2019 14:03

Ask your wife what she wants and go with that. She's the one having the baby an she might want her Mum with her.
She lives a long way from her family and you have yours nearby. Her mum will go home eventually if your wife wants her to stay you should try to make her welcome even if you don't like each other.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/09/2019 14:05

I cross posted with makingmammaries and yes, I agree with her.
Eastern Europeans can be shockingly blunt to english ears, but it is normal for them, not rude.
Also they have a closer involvement in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.
Lots of this is cultural difference.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:06

Also, OP, have you made any effort to learn basic phrases in Hungarian? Because, if you haven’t, then she is likely to feel your wife’s origins are being sidelined. It would be a courteous acknowledgement if you would make that effort, and you could even ask MIL to teach you.

elessar · 15/09/2019 14:08

@makingmammaries OP says he has and his MIL just laughed at him

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 15/09/2019 14:13

@SirVixofVixHall Funny thing, being Eastern European, this is what I think of British people often, and that in fact at home people are far more subtle.

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2019 14:13

If they aren’t talking, I’d say your wife might be amenable to her going home. Next time, tell your mil she can stay in an Airbnb.

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 14:15

I have made the effort to learn Hungarian, and its bloody hard and i struggle with it, but needless to say i have made the effort!

She just doesnt like me, why should i be punished for a decision my wife made years before she met me and came to England

OP posts:

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:18

If she ‘laughed’ at your Hungarian (sorry, failed to see that before) it could easily be her showing embarrassment rather than mocking you. This poor woman is probably totally out of her depth. OP, you had a choice about marrying into another culture. Your MIL did not have a choice. Maybe she’s trying to do her best in a situation which is really difficult for her? If her English is shaky, how do you expect her to act when surrounded by your wider family? Geez, put yourself in her shoes.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:19

Yes, Hungarian is known to be a really difficult language, but you presumably knew that when you got married.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/09/2019 14:21

MonaLisa that is funny. I am not english, but the Eastern Europeans I know are more direct and can sound brusque. Humour also varies so much between countries. My Swedish friends are very dry, it can sometimes be hard to tell initially if they are joking, my english friends find my black humour a shock.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2019 14:23

While I totally sympathise, it really is up to your wife to call the shots here, unless she ASKS you to do it.

Have another chat - might be an idea to have your MIL go and stay somewhere else for a bit, maybe? Just so you don't have the Atmosphere at home all the time, and she might make an effort to take herself out and about, do some sightseeing or something. On the other hand, she might not.

Does she knit? Your wife could suggest she knits something for the baby, if she does - or crochet, or sew, whatever.

You're not "being punished" for your wife's decision, don't take it so personally. Your MIL doesn't like that your wife met you, and she's not mature enough to separate that from you personally - but that's her being crap.

Hungarian is one of the hardest languages in the world to learn, so kudos to you for attempting it - but if your MIL won't give you any credit for trying, then I'd stop trying to talk to her in Hungarian. Might help to keep going in your listening skills though, make sure you know what she's saying about you!

Have a chat to your wife about it all - tell her that it's upsetting you to see HER upset, but you will do what she wants, as it's her mother.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/09/2019 14:23

I imagine she thought it was a phase and always hoped her daughter would return.
I remember reading a similar thread where the MIL was Irish , and had spent years thinking her son would return to the fold, so was very upset when he married an english woman and stayed here. Irish mammies are a force to be reckoned with...

Fairenuff · 15/09/2019 14:26

Like everyone else says, go with whatever your wife wants because of her pregnancy. Once MIL goes home you can say that for future visits she must book her own accommodation nearby. People don't tend to stay for so long when they are paying a nightly rate.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:27

‘Once MIL goes home you can say that for future visits she must book her own accommodation nearby.’

Hmm, that would be the ultimate insult to an Eastern European MIL.

diddl · 15/09/2019 14:32

Presumably your wife wanted the baby shower?

Why did you take MIL if she had been moaning about it in the morning?

If MIL & your wife aren't speaking though that's horrible for everyone.

They need to either sort themselves out or MIL stay elsewhere until the birth.

Does your wife really want her there or has she been pushed into it by her mum?

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 14:37

My wife didnt know about the baby shower, she just thought she was going for afternoon tea!

I insisted her mum came because i wanted her to be involved and my mum said it would be nice to involve her!

Ive also been put in situations with my wifes friends and family where i wasnt able to communicate with them, but i wasnt bloody rude and refused to interact with people

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/09/2019 14:37

that would be the ultimate insult to an Eastern European MIL

Aren't we taught that when abroad we must abide by local custom, culture and laws? It is the ultimate insult here to stay in OP's house and be rude to him.

MIL needs to learn what is acceptable here and what is not. If you cannot show the manners expected of a guest then you have no entitled to stay.

tillytrotter1 · 15/09/2019 14:45

Even if the mother is an arsehole, she's still her mother.
What a pity that this sentiment isn't applied to the man's mother when there are differences of opinion!

tillytrotter1 · 15/09/2019 14:47

Hmm, that would be the ultimate insult to an Eastern European MIL.

So they're to be treated differently, their obnoxiousness has to be tolerated? Double standards alert.

Longdistance · 15/09/2019 14:48

Tell her:
menj haza, ahogy elég volt!

Go home, I’ve had enough!

Bloody hell she’s a miserable boot!
My aunt could be like this, real hard work. She didn’t get on with her dil. Always sticking her nose in. My dm isn’t like this at all, though she’s lived in the UK for 50 years.
Have a talk with your dw it’s not fair she’s just rocked up like that.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 14:54

‘So they're to be treated differently, their obnoxiousness has to be tolerated? Double standards alert.’

Yes, if you chose to marry into that culture you’ll need to tolerate quite a lot of what might look to you like obnoxiousness. If you think your way is the only way, don’t marry a foreigner ffs.

ISmellBabies · 15/09/2019 14:55

Normally I'd be with you 100%, however the most important thing in this situation is what your wife wants while she's giving birth. You can't even imagine the pain of childbirth until you've done it yourself, if she wants Donald fucking Trump in there with her she should be allowed!

WonderWomansSpin · 15/09/2019 14:58

It's up to your DW and I don't think you should even ask her. She'll let MIL and you know if she changes her mind about MIL staying.

You seem a bit lacking in empathy. It's not that difficult to understand why your MIL thinks you're responsible for her DD staying in the UK. Until she was married, MIL will have hoped she'd return 'home' some day. Once she married someone who was English, that dream was shattered. So, yy, she thinks if her DD hadn't married you, she'd have the chance of moving back home, MIL could see her more and her future grandchildren.
MIL does sound difficult but there's always a period of adjustment when family come to stay and when it's around a birth, everyone's emotions are running high. MIL is probably realising just how much she is missing out on and seeing your DM at the afternoon tea probably reminded MIL that the other granny isn't missing out at all.

Original poster

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 15:00

@makingmammaries so i need to tolerate her being rude and disrespectful, but i disagree its just basic human manners not to be rude

OP posts:

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