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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mil to go home

79 replies

Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 13:12

Hello guys, asking for some advice before i tell my DW i want her mum to fuck off home!

So bit of back ground, my wife is from Hungary, she has been in the uk for 7 years, we met 4 years ago, her mother has made it quite clear from day 1 she doesnt want my wife to be in the uk and makes it obvious when she is here.

We are expecting our little girl in october, she decided she was gonna come over a week before the due date and stay for 3 weeks, i was kinda ok with this as my wife doesnt see her much. But in the end she came over on the 7th of September, i was quite pissed off with this, but didnt want to stress my wife, so i let it go!

She flew over and because she told us she was coming over 2 days before, i wasnt able to get tbe time off work to pick her up from the airport, this caused a massive argument, so it began!

We had to go for a growth scan last week, she decided she didnt want to come, and i found this really sad because she hasnt been to any scans with us before!

Then on friday she moaned at my wife, because all she has done since she got here is sit in the house and done nothing, because my wife is still at work, i said i dunno why she came so early!!

And the we come to yesterday, my mum whos has been brilliant throughout the pregnancy organized afternoon tea and a mini baby shower for close friends and family, it cost her quite a bit of money! In the morning my mil was moaning about it blah blah blah! We turned up and straight away she wasnt interested, sat away from everyone, and when we went to show her the presants she flung her arms up in the air and rolled her eyes! We ended up leaving early because i was pissed off and quite frankly embarrassed and so was my wife! My mum was also very upset because she had put alot of effort and money into the afternoon tea!

I just want her to fuck off now, my wife wants her in the delivery room but i really dont want her there but know its not down to me!

Aibu to ask my wife if she can send her home

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 15/09/2019 15:02

makingmammeries but she isnt a foreigner to her daughter is she, and she's annoyed with her too.
Sounds like an ignorant woman in any culture. Manners are manners wherever you are from. Any sitting with a face like a smacked arse and not trying is just rude, wherever you are from.

diddl · 15/09/2019 15:08

" MIL is probably realising just how much she is missing out on and seeing your DM at the afternoon tea probably reminded MIL that the other granny isn't missing out at all."

Then she needs to make as much as possible of the time she has with her daughter!

It's possible that she was completely baffled by the baby shower, but there was no need to be rude.

Although I would only hold one for someone if I was sure that they wanted one.

It sounds as though she thinks that everything should be coming to a halt for her & that you (and her daughter?) should be at her beck and call.

I'm guessing though if she's asked to stay elsewhere she'll flounce off with the threat of not being in the delivery room with her daughter?

WonderWomansSpin · 15/09/2019 15:09

What if she isn't a bitch from hell? What if she's just a mum who is missing her DD and is realising that MIL is stepping in to do the things a mum would normally do eg like organising a baby shower. What if she's just realising how much of her DD and future grandchild's life she is going to be missing out on whilst the OP's family get to be very involved?
I'd cut everyone some slack and let the mum and DD have some time alone. My DM was very emotional when I was about to give birth even though she's not usually that engaged, not overly emotional and she sees me all the time. It can throw up emotions that people don't expect or anticipate.

Fairenuff · 15/09/2019 15:10

The wife is not talking to her mother. She obviously finds her rude too even though they share the same culture.

OP ask your wife if she feels bullied by her mother.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 15:39

OP, how do you know that what you do in Hungary, assuming that you visit the country, is never inadvertently rude? How do you know that your MIL intends to be rude? Body language is not the same across cultures. Eastern Europeans don’t do social smiles, at least the older generation. An older EE person might well take on a noncommittal expression when confronted with what to her might look like a baffling display of materialism (baby shower). What does she actually do that makes you so convinced she wants to be rude? Slam doors in your face? Shout at you? Turn her back when spoken to? No, thought not. I suspect you’re misreading her and think it’s about you when it isn’t. But if you are as clueless about cultural differences as you have appeared so far, she’s probably worrying about not being able to communicate with her grandchild.

diddl · 15/09/2019 15:44

"How do you know that your MIL intends to be rude?"

Because she flew over unexpectedly, thought she should have been collected & seems annoyed that her daughter is working?

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 15:46

All quite normal assumptions for an older EE person who grew up under communism and never had much contact with other cultures.

makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 15:49

OP, you need to cut her some slack or it won’t end well for your marriage, if I may be so blunt.

Original poster
Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 15:51

@makingmammaries im gonna disagree with you again, my wife is from this "culture" and she aint bloody rude like her mother, when someone passes you a present to look at for your grandchild, you dont throw your arms in the air and roll your eyes!

Im not gonna convince you, you seem to think im the problem, even tho i hVe tried everything in my power to understand her!

But it just boils down to the fact she is just a rude person, this isnt the first time she has been lile this, i could list endless problems we uave had but i dont want to bore you!

My mother did a nice thing and my mil was disrespectful and rude simple as that

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 15/09/2019 15:56

OP, this is my last response on this thread. Your wife is from a different generation and chose to emigrate. Of course her views have shifted. In the older EE generation, you are NOT supposed to give anything to an unborn baby. It’s bloody rude to do that, as a matter of fact. So I am not that surprised at your MIL’s reaction. If you don’t want your MIL, send her over here, we have no grandparents living.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 15:56

Christ she sounds like a vile bag of selfish SHIT. I'd be telling her to piss right off. What a cheeky horrid cow. Good Luck OP. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 15:58

and it's nothing to do with culture, and all to do with control. Flowers

Original poster
Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 16:03

@makingmammaries if its rude to the culture to buy stuff for the baby before yhey are born, why did come over with baby cloths?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 15/09/2019 16:03

This may be more personality than culture, I'm thinking!

Whatever, the key thing is to be totally onside with your wife. What does she want? Find out and implement it. The worst case is her at 35+ weeks being stressed through having to be a buffer zone between the two of you.

Can you find out two important things ASAP if you don't already know them? 1. How many birthing partners/people in the delivery room is your wife permitted? 2. Does your wife genuinely want her mother with her when she gives birth?

It could be stressful if you and MiL are jockeying for position and potentially getting in the way of the professionals. And at critical moments, your wife might be asked to choose between you. That could be really hard for her.

Is MiL's English good enough for her to respond quickly if asked to step back or not touch or keep quiet or leave the room? It matters! She could be a liability. If she's at all likely not to do what she's told by her daughter, she probably shouldn't be there at all. If your DW has to be translating all the time it will be distracting and irritating for her.

Finally, if you really are both going to be there, you and your DW need to decide in advance things like who will hold the baby first and whether you want time just as a little family of three. These decisions need to be shared with MiL and she needs to sign up in advance and not renege.

If you both think MiL won't behave or if your DW doesn't want her there, you could make staff aware at the next visit and plan how to leave her out without hurt feelings. Some hospital 'rules' could be called into play!

Good luck, and be the buffer zone you DW needs.

dinello · 15/09/2019 16:03

I'm screaming. Imagine if a British woman went to Hungary and acted like this? You'd all be calling her a bigot. I'm not British, and I've never understood why British people are willing to put up with so much crap so as not to offend anyone else.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 16:11

"In the older EE generation, you are NOT supposed to give anything to an unborn baby. It’s bloody rude to do that, as a matter of fact. So I am not that surprised at your MIL’s reaction. "

There's such a thing as being polite in the moment though.

saraclara · 15/09/2019 16:12

@makingmammaries my in-law relatives are eastern European too, and of that generation and above. They've rarely left their country, but no way would they behave like the OP's MIL.
And if the MIL was behaving normally for her culture, her daughter wouldn't be so angry that she can't bear to speak to her right now.

Original poster
Bloke23 · 15/09/2019 16:14

@NearlyGranny id like to think she would behave in the delivery room, but after yesterday im not so sure!

She cant speak any English, i was of the opinion, i married a hungarian lady, so i should make the effort to learn the language and not exspect her mum to, baby will be brought up multilingual!

We dont have shouting matches at each other, never have done, ive always tried to bite my tongue, so no issue with us arguing in the delivery room!

Thing that concerns me, we have done hypnobirthing and that is the plan for the birth, so we need it to be as relaxed as possible, kinda why i want it to be me and her! There is no doubt, i will be holding baby after my wife, she is my daughter!

And there is no chance of us having family time with just the 3 of us, we live a small 2 bedroom house

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 16:19

Send her HOME.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2019 16:20

Its usually just one person in the delivery room. I doubt they’ll allow 2!!

diddl · 15/09/2019 16:43

"Older generation/of that generation"

She's probably my age (mid 50s), only a generation older than Op, not a bloody relic!

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/09/2019 16:55

What a shame you’re a son in law OP and not a DIL. If you were female, posters here would be falling over themselves to tell you what a cunt your MIL is and you should go no contact with her and never let her see your child. 🙄

powershowerforanhour · 15/09/2019 17:16

I know you have other bridges to cross first but I would also agree a game plan with your wife for choosing your daughter's name unless it is already set in stone. Say "oh we haven't decided yet" and have a dummy list of names neither of you want that you can throw MIL as "under consideration" if she presses you, so that she can pull those apart rather than savaging the nice real shortlist ones you might want to use. Then when you and DW have decided, get down the registry office and get it done before you tell MIL. Poss best do this once MIL has gone home so your wife can hold the phone at arm's length when she tells her. Cos I bet if it isn't a Hungarian name, that is also MIL's personal favourite, she'll moan about that too.

NearlyGranny · 15/09/2019 18:14

I meant family time right after the birth, Bloke23. There's some time after the delivery of the placenta is all done and baby has been checked over and wrapped up warmly that you just want to gaze and gaze at the miracle you have produced between you. I think MiL should be somewhere else.

I seriously don't like your chances of being the first to hold your child after your DW if MiL is in the same room... How would you stop her?

Paintedmaypole · 15/09/2019 18:30

Well this is interesting. On MN a MIL's place is usually in the wrong but so is a man's, so which way will this go?? I think the MIL here is rude and trampling over all boundaries but I do agree, in the circumstances, to talk with your wife and go with what she wants.

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