DH and the Queen Bee

[justilou1]

Apologies.... it’s a long one.
My DH and I have been married for 16 yrs and have 3 teenagers. He has known one group of friends since high school and they’re mostly lovely guys, but there is one girl who has been single for most of the time we have been together and has made it clear to all the wives and partners of the guys in the group that she is the “Queen Bee” and via various passive aggressive comments at the beginnings of our relationships, she has implied that she chose not to get involved romantically with whichever of the guys we happen to be with, but they were all secretly in love with her. None of us believe her, and we ignore that, see it for what it is and over the years have forged a friendship for what it is.
I thought..... I don’t for one minute think that my DH is actually secretly in love with her at all, so this is not coming from this kind of insecurity. DH and I are in counselling stemming from me feeling betrayed when I tried to discuss my ptsd after repressed rape memories began to return and he refused to have the conversation because he was going through his own shit and was already feeling resentful towards me. Obviously physical intimacy is a massive issue for me because of these two situations. The Queen Bee has recently admitted that she broke up with her boyfriend in FEBRUARY (her longest relationship in the time I have known her) and hasn’t spoken to anyone about this. They went out together for a couple of drinks in a group.... all good. Then last weekend we all went out for dinner at a pub where there were two different football games showing. She was VERY friendly towards me. All good. After the games were over and she’d had several more drinks, she brought up in conversation that she knew that DH and I weren’t having sex and hadn’t for a long time. It was abundantly clear that he hadn’t taken responsibility for his side of things at all despite repeatedly saying so to my face. (Not the rape, that was years before we met, but the arsehole behaviour.) When I confronted him later about having this conversation, he said that he has the right to talk to his friends about how this affects him, but he couldn’t talk about my rape as that was invading my privacy. I think that was a cop out to avoid looking like an arsehole. I’m hurt and feel like I’ve been betrayed again. What do you think? (*btw - he has more insight than most, he has been raped himself, and I have helped him through some very dark times and some awful behaviour of his own.)

She sounds like a shit stirrer and he's disloyal.

I prefer to call them attention seeking women that think they are pretty but are dillusional and pretty average looking - well the so call popular girls when I was at school were like that.

Knew someone like this at school. She wasn't pretty in the slightest, she looked like a rat. A complete bully though, that's the only way she had 'friends'. Horrible person, the things she has done are awful, even as an 'adult'.

Op honestly even if he now apologises for saying what he did, he doesn't mean it. He never will. If he did he would have apologised already. He thinks he is right to share information like that. You should consider whether or not you want to be with someone like that.

Errgh I hate this, my ex is still friends with the woman he cheated on me with, who was my friend and fing tells her about me. I’m like I blocked her and her mother online so she doesn’t know but he’s going around telling her about my new job, how shit I am etc.

I doubt he will stop. I’ve begged and screamed and cried at my ex to stop telling her my private info but apparently it’s his life to because I’m in it.

His answer was if. I got back with him he would never speak to her again, as if I don’t trust him and you can’t trust yours.

He heard some home truths about her last night. About why she has no female friends, about how she has been the same with all the wives and partners of the guys in the group and he is welcome to check if he wants, etc.... That if he turns this back on me at a later date and makes it MY problem, I am going to go absolutely ballistic. I have never been disloyal enough to discuss anything that intimate with any of my friends. In fact, since my ptsd has kicked in, I barely talk to anyone except my counsellor, as I feel too vulnerable. He knows this and has made no allowances whatsoever. In fact, he is harder on me.

OP your man sounds like a boring pain in the arse tbh. You're expending all your energy shouting and arguing about another woman. Where's that going to get you? What do you expect it to achieve - that he suddenly stops, then you've got yourself a man you had to beg scream cajole shout at, not to talk about you to another woman? She may be attention seeking - but so is he. Unfortunately he sought her attention - not yours. & he will again.

Pick your pride up off the floor and stop going on at him. At least give him an ultimatum. No man respects a woman who let's him take the living piss out of her. You're in counselling because of him? ffs. I bet she knows all about your counselling sessions too. He's like a dog wagging his tail chasing after a bone.

No loyalty no respect. A major cause of your angst. What's the point of him?

She's the 3rd person in your relationship and the 2 of you have no secrets from her. Embarrassing and pathetic. She's probably playing both of you. If you compete with her for his ear, attention and whatever else you'll waste a lot of time that could be better spent. If she's that unpleasant yet your man is drawn to her then that should tell you something about him.

Honestly, men like this waste your time when you could be meeting better people if only you'd extricate yourself from the game.

@justilou1

Why are you giving this woman the time of day? She sounds a right pain in the arse... as for your husband is he a bit dim? asking advice off a woman who is rubbish at relationships.

This is about a Queen Bee

Be very cautious of her. I recently read about The Dog Whistle Girl (Sali Hughes) and instantly knew which girl this is in our group. It sounds like she us doing a good job of causing friction between you and DH.

I am going out for drinks with a couple of the other wives this weekend. The Dog Whistle Girl article is being shared ahead of time. She ticks one or two of those boxes.... not all of them. I get the feeling that the guys humour her.

OP tbh, you sound very unpleasant yourself. Your sharing the article with your friends and getting together to talk about your DHs mate.

Your problem is with your husband not with this woman.

I think your DH should have no further contact with this woman.

She has betrayed their friendship and tried to upset his wife and damage your marriage.

How can you be honest with DH in your marriage when anything you say can come back to hurt you via Queen Bee?

@Nameisthegame

Errgh I hate this, my ex is still friends with the woman he cheated on me with, who was my friend and fing tells her about me

Why do you tell him things about yourself?

He's making allowances for her, not even bothered that she's a) betrayed his confidence and b) humiliated and upset you. His allegiance seems to be with her now, protecting her from you (doesn't want her phoning you), rather than protecting you from further upset or giving you the chance to have your say. They are such a pair of fuckwits.

He has actually confronted her about breaking his confidence. (Yet conveniently believed that 1) she didn’t remember what was said, and 2) she wasn’t being malicious). Both of those arguments have been thrown out the window. I have told him that he can confide in whomever he wants about HIS things, but things concerning US are between US and the counsellor. Anything else is disrespectful and indiscreet, and will not be tolerated. I also told him that I thought I knew him better than to be needing to have this conversation at all.
I told him that I didn’t want to speak to her as I am dealing with other stuff at the moment. When I do, she’s getting both barrels. (He doesn’t know that part, or you can bet your life he will do everything he can to stop that phone call from happening.)

Too. Much. Drama.

You aren't going to 'win' OP. He's already betrayed you and will protect her rather than you. Dissing her to the other wives won't change that.

Massive betrayal of your trust. I would be incandescent with rage if my husband was discussing our sex life with another woman. He's really let you down here OP...

She's clearly a daft attention seeker who I would instantly cut out but it's your husband who is really at fault here. The fact that he feels he's "entitled" to talk about your intimate life with others speaks volumes of him. Try as you can with the counseling but based on your posts it doesn't sound like a marriage built to last I'm afraid

@justilou1

I do think it odd that your husband has discussed your sex life with another woman. I have male friend who are married and if they even mentioned sex to me I would stop the conversation straight away. Men do discuss sex with other men because I used to work in a bar and I would hear them talking about it. I think there is something going on between them and you need to discuss it with your husband. I think that he was sounding her out to see if she was interested (some men do) - I hope I am wrong but it sounds fishy to me.

male friends

She sounds like someone who has never moved on from being pretty at school.

The Queen Bee type is a nightmare because, IMV, they are incapable of seeing anything from another's viewpoint with empathy. They are delusional in that sense but act in in a self-serving way with full knowledge of the damage they are wreaking.

Justilou, your QB knew exactly what she was doing when she repeated what your husband shared. It is all about her and her superiority, and supposed power over the men in group, and by extension, power over the women too. It will be the men in your friendship group who feed her power and self-centred fools like your husband who actively encourage her with their own self-preening and sense of entitlement to put their needs ahead of their wife's right to not have personal issues discussed.

For me that would be a betrayal I could not overcome. If you do let her have both barrels I would do it face to face so she can't 'end the call'.

Do you know for certain that he has confronted her? If you are taking his word for it he might just be telling you that to appease you and at the same time minimising his betrayal it by saying she has no recollection.

If he has and she did 'conveniently' say she can't remember the previous conversation that is insulting. Well, actually, she is being devious and/or cowardly. No matter for her, in her mind then; her job is done - she has stirred the pot and will be sitting back to watch the fallout.

I don't think he actually understand the depth of the betrayal. Maybe he will get some insight into that when you attend your next counselling session.

I think I know what I need to do. I think they both need have this conversation with me - at the same time, in person. Then I see all the non-verbals. I will let her speak first, and hope that her story is as he reported to me. If it is not, either she as lied to him, or he has lied to me about what she said, and I will catch one or both of them out. One way or the other, there will be feelings on the subject.

@Jesaminecollins, is all that matters is how us women age? It's sad you're so hung up on that.

"I am very tempted to talk to two of the wives with whom I am very close about this, actually."

Don't do that. You're in danger of making this more complicated than it needs to be and in becoming more entangled in drama, which lets your Husband off the hook.

She's not a nice person. I've met both male and female 'friends' who show this kind of behaviour. Women are more harshly branded for it. I've rejected male friendships because i can't be bothered with the personal attacks that often brings (I'm also happily single/celibate), but other Women who choose relationships don't understand that some women can be perfectly happy alone.

Your Husband is weak. He has no boundaries and will allow himself to be treated appalling. Even worse, he will allow you to be treated appallingly and still kiss the arse of the person doing it.

There's nowhere to go with thos marriage. You are going to be forever going through these cycles of bad behaviour and being let down and in constant counselling.

Cut your losses, as said, you are sticking in there on the basis of the lost cost fallacy. When having these people in your life isn't worth the cost to your mental health.