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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and the Queen Bee

101 replies

justilou1 · 15/09/2019 03:41

Apologies.... it’s a long one.
My DH and I have been married for 16 yrs and have 3 teenagers. He has known one group of friends since high school and they’re mostly lovely guys, but there is one girl who has been single for most of the time we have been together and has made it clear to all the wives and partners of the guys in the group that she is the “Queen Bee” and via various passive aggressive comments at the beginnings of our relationships, she has implied that she chose not to get involved romantically with whichever of the guys we happen to be with, but they were all secretly in love with her. None of us believe her, and we ignore that, see it for what it is and over the years have forged a friendship for what it is.
I thought..... I don’t for one minute think that my DH is actually secretly in love with her at all, so this is not coming from this kind of insecurity. DH and I are in counselling stemming from me feeling betrayed when I tried to discuss my ptsd after repressed rape memories began to return and he refused to have the conversation because he was going through his own shit and was already feeling resentful towards me. Obviously physical intimacy is a massive issue for me because of these two situations. The Queen Bee has recently admitted that she broke up with her boyfriend in FEBRUARY (her longest relationship in the time I have known her) and hasn’t spoken to anyone about this. They went out together for a couple of drinks in a group.... all good. Then last weekend we all went out for dinner at a pub where there were two different football games showing. She was VERY friendly towards me. All good. After the games were over and she’d had several more drinks, she brought up in conversation that she knew that DH and I weren’t having sex and hadn’t for a long time. It was abundantly clear that he hadn’t taken responsibility for his side of things at all despite repeatedly saying so to my face. (Not the rape, that was years before we met, but the arsehole behaviour.) When I confronted him later about having this conversation, he said that he has the right to talk to his friends about how this affects him, but he couldn’t talk about my rape as that was invading my privacy. I think that was a cop out to avoid looking like an arsehole. I’m hurt and feel like I’ve been betrayed again. What do you think? (*btw - he has more insight than most, he has been raped himself, and I have helped him through some very dark times and some awful behaviour of his own.)

OP posts:

swingofthings · 15/09/2019 07:27

I agree with him. I talk about personal things to my friends that might include my OH, but would never mention things very personal to him that I don't think he would want others to know.

However, this woman was totally out of place bringing this up to you. That's not on at all. He spoke to her/others privately and it wasn't her place to come to you to discuss.

She sounds like an attention seeker nightmare. Your OH should learn from this not to share anything personal with her.

FinnBalorsAbs · 15/09/2019 07:32

I’d swim against the grain slightly here (to mix a morning metaphor!). If this was my DH I wouldn’t be cross with him for talking to one of his friends about our situation - as long as he hadn’t broken my confidence by talking about the rape - but I would judge her for being a crap friend to him by being indiscreet and talking about it. In my experience we all have friends we talk to about emotional things, even deeply personal things like this. But the friend explicitly talking to you about it was massively inappropriate. At best it was well-intentioned overstepping, at worse she was basically trying to show you how much power she has in true Queen Bee style.

Either way, I’d be giving her a wide berth and watching her carefully from a distance. But unless there are other factors in play where your DH is concerned I wouldn’t be worrying he was off shagging her or tempted by it, it sounds like she is massively chippy about the fact all her friends have partners and wives and she doesn’t and hangs her whole identity within the friendship group off this. (When I met DH he had a similar friend so I can relate. She did the whole ‘implying all the guys in their group were in love with her’ and when DH basically laughed in her face about that she moved on to patronising ‘well done, isn’t it lovely Mr Finn has finally found someone to love him and all his weird ways, how sweet’. Thankfully he doesn’t bother seeing her much now and even in wider group environments tends to give her a wide berth).

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you don’t mind me giving an alternate perspective but please don’t think I’m doing it to minimise what has happened and the impact you’re feeling from it.

tranquillife · 15/09/2019 07:33

Isn't it a well known tactic of men to talk about the lack of sex they have with their wife / partner to OW when they want an illicit shag mate? I'd be careful if I were you OP. No way would I share my life and inner most personal self with someone who blabs. He's well out of order and would be straight out the door.

Palaver1 · 15/09/2019 07:38

I think lots of things are shared with third parties.
The only difference is that she was intentional tackles enough to let you know.
She’s got you right where she wants you and you’ve fallen for it.
The problem with the whole group is one of them doesn’t belong and till all of you the wives start putting your foot down this will always happen.
Everyone has a need to share his chosen her although a poor choice he doesn’t view her so.
I don’t see why the group friendship hasnt disintegrated with time as would normally be the case she might probably be the fabric of the group.the adopted sis.
You have to be wise,calm get to the session and say your piece not a rant but a well thought out conversation.
I really feel for your situation.

NewStart571 · 15/09/2019 07:39

I wouldn’t be happy with this. He must know what she’s like.

If we accept that he is entitled to talk about his problems with friends (which I am on the fence about) why isn’t he angry at her that she has betrayed his confidence and tried to make you feel small?

I’d be raging. Sorry you’re going through this. Perhaps time to try to establish some boundaries and if this fails re-think the relationship.

nonmerci · 15/09/2019 07:41

She sounds like a truly awful person, incredibly sinister and vile.

Your DH has betrayed your trust, I’m not sure where you can go from here. He doesn’t have a right to discuss your sex life with his friends at all, it's private and none of their business whatsoever.

Windygate · 15/09/2019 07:44

Queen Bee has got to you, however, she really isn't the problem. As is often said here you have a massive DH problem.

Witchinaditch · 15/09/2019 07:48

Sorry what has happened to you both that’s truly awful. I agree with him (for first time ever) as he does have the right to share with his friends and he doesn’t have the right to share your rape story. He should have picked a person who was a bit more trustworthy and discreet, I would be stepping back from this friendship as she is clearly not a nice person if she would bring up marital problems to score points with you. your husband should be angry with her for betraying his trust! Don’t let this person come between you.

PianoTuner567 · 15/09/2019 07:50

I don’t think it’s out of order for him to confide in a friend.

She was an idiot though, she shouldn’t have said anything to you.

A lot of the reasons you dislike her are very female-to-female issues - he might not have noticed any of these things and have a totally different opinion of her than you do.

GrimpenMire · 15/09/2019 07:58

He should be angry with her not you OP.

I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/09/2019 07:58

She sounds a right cow. If he did go off with her it wouldn’t last if she’s rubbish with relationships.

Original poster

justilou1 · 15/09/2019 07:59

I have had the measure of her for years and she really isn’t on my radar. I have had the pleasure of putting her back in her box once or twice when she has stepped over the line also. This felt like I was being assaulted in public all over again - by her and by my husband. Partly because of the situation, I find overt displays of masculinity like pubs with football matches rather difficult. I feel unsafe in crowds. Then that happened. I had already explained to another friend of his who is a lovely guy why I don’t like crowds, etc why don’t feel the need to “pretend” to fake enthusiasm for football just because my husband likes it. He’s never pretended to like opera or ballet or art galleries, and he wasn’t violently handed around like a party favour when he was 14. (Again with male entitlement...) I am very tempted to talk to two of the wives with whom I am very close about this, actually.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/09/2019 08:01

The thing about talking about your sex life is that unless it's specifically concerns just you, then it automatically involves your partner!

Original poster

justilou1 · 15/09/2019 08:02

My feeling about her talking to me was that she was drunkenly smug - doing the boring old power-play thing that she does. My husband will not remove his rose-coloured glasses when it comes to his family or friends. He needs to put them all on a pedestal even if they’re absolutely evil. I’m so over it. He’d rather make me the bad guy than actually look at their fallibility.

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 15/09/2019 08:04

I'd be very cautious of their relationship op, he doesn't need to be "in love" with her to shag her.

Yes any excuse really. She would be around to 'talk' with him if he needs to vent (he has already) and she wil be so understanding. Bitch!

Sagradafamiliar · 15/09/2019 08:05

I don't like the sound of this. You've tried sorting it out with him, the person who has betrayed and humiliated you and he's directing you to her. Would his ego love for the two of you to have problems? Why is he trying to shift this onto her and telling you to take it up with her? (Rhetorical questions). Yes, she is a nasty piece of work but she wouldn't have been able to gleefully pass on that bit of info about you without DH massively overstepping in the first place and testing the waters with her.
I think it spell the end for me as well, OP. Sorry.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 15/09/2019 08:06

He has put her in an unacceptably intimate relationship to your marriage.It isn't acceptable, and I wouldn't tolerate i it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 08:15

I’m so sorry. He really cannot see how horrible he is being. It really is all about him. His need to be the only one going through a difficult time when you told him about your rape, his need to confide in this female friend, his need to be friends with a woman, who strokes his ego and his need to not be challenged when she uses the confidence he shared against you.... And you also talk about his family being on a pedestal.

Has he always been this emotionally unavailable to you?

My take from this snapshot is that it sounds as though he is perhaps a very frightened child inside and as a result he lacks a lot of insight. Im not trying to excuse his behaviour in any way for his needs do not have to be your priority just because they are his. You also have a lot of healing to do yourself.

Palaver1 · 15/09/2019 08:22

You are making the decision to work on yourself and your relationship you both are.Dont forget this go for your session and use it wisely.
Deep breathe think every thing through.

barryfromclareisfit · 15/09/2019 08:28

Crap situation. This woman thinks she has ownership of them all. He has betrayed you by allowing his relationship with her to take precedence over his relationship with you - sharing details of your sex life. I wouldn’t want him around any more.

RantyAnty · 15/09/2019 08:54

@justilou1

Why doesn't the group just stop being friends with the attention seeking cow?

You'd think if they didn't like her, they wouldn't want to be around her anymore.

I'd be horrified if my DH shared personal details like that with some whacked out gossip like her. Surely he must have another friend or close family member to confide in.

maddening · 15/09/2019 09:40

He needs to see that his "friend" who he confided in has betrayed him as anyone who is trusted to be confided in should not then go to the subject of the confidence and say "na na na I know all about your sensitive situation"

Annonymiss123 · 15/09/2019 10:04

I think @maddening is spot on.

PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 10:11

She's dog whistle girl.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24736/beware-dog-whistle-girl/

If your marriage has any chance of making it through this (and if you would want that, after how your husband has behaved), she must go.

JaneyJimplin · 15/09/2019 10:14

She's a shit stirrer. She enjoys causing conflict between you and your dh. I'd have no time for her at all.

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