To be pissed off with DH?

[nobodylikesacockwomble]

So imagine you're a man. The baby is full of cold and has been up all night (you slept on the sofa so had a lovely full night's sleep), both kids have been crying and mardy all day. You're going out for a meal with your friends tonight (by yourself), and one of them asks if you'd like to stay over at theirs. Your wife has been up all night with the baby and had to deal with both kids all day. When you mention staying at your friend's tonight she says 'whatever, do what you want' (in a very pissed off voice). What would you do?

Obviously DH did what he wanted and is now out with his friends and staying overnight, whereas I'm dealing with the poorly baby who has been up 3 times since she went to bed, and bracing myself to be sleeping in her room tonight.

AIBU to be royally pissed off at DH for staying out? I know I said he could do what he wanted but obviously didn't mean it!!

NB: in case it's not clear, when I say he may feel he had it hard sleeping on the sofa - I do mean he is wrong to think so! It's just there's going to be a communication issue to get over if he thinks he's been rather saintly to sleep on the sofa, while you think something rather more realistic.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Instead of hoping for help, say you need help. Instead of saying do what you want, say you need him at home to help with the kids.

😂😂😂 @cacklingmags

It's a shame you're in this predicament.

Firstly I will tell you this is just the kind of thing my husband would do and I used to react the way you did. However, I realised that he wasn't actually happy to be a crap dad but needed my help to be a better one. He never had a positive role model parent to aid him, so I am now as honest and straightforward as possible. If I think he'll be useful in whatever situation I'm in at home, I'll ask him to stay/come home and help.

There are lots of other factors to consider though. My dh is not good at comforting a near inconsolable child, especially at night or early in the morning. So in our case, it is less stressful for me to have a few bad night's sleep then hand dd to dh for me to recover once dd's recovered. The alternative would be a restless night for me while dd is upset and dh is getting stressed!

I hope your dc feels better soon and you get some rest before too long

Agree with pps about being upfront. I watched my mum do this for years with my dad - somehow hoping he'd read between the lines. He never did. They had appalling communication.

If you value your relationship then say what you feel - I need you to pull your weight and step up. I've done xyz and am exhausted, now it's your turn. Going out is not fair on me.

Take the baby into your bed rather than go into hers. She is ill, she wants to cuddle up with her mother. Seriously, co-sleeping saved my life.

Most men are completely capable of understanding tone of voice very similar to dogs My experience though is that some will act like they can't understand it if it means getting away with something they know is a bit unreasonable to ask. As my teenage daughter admitted recently, "I'm going to ask mum. You don't have to say yes" (she wanted expensive funcy leggings). Seriously though if you know you - rightly -want support and for him to say in just say that. Or even, "our baby is sick" and then glaring at him should do it. But direct is definitely best.

stay in

Men can be stupid sometimes.
Get the baby in bed with you, make the night easier on yourself.

OP - some men, and only some, really need things spelling out - you must, must, must, talk. Don’t get all bitter and moody and say things you’ll hope he’ll understand- be clear. Tell him, you both have children, they are not just yours, they’re his too. He is acting irresponsibly and needs to parent. Talk. Good luck to you OP and I hope you get some sleep soon. Been there.
Btw, my DH has done bedtime a handful of times in six years.... but, that’s how we agreed it. Start as you mean to go on, you don’t want resentment in years to come.

For gods sake it’s your husband just be honest. Can’t stand passive aggressive bullshit.

I think he needs to grow up and realise he now has responsibilities.
It’s not on and let’s be honest, he’s only going to do it again.
Hope he comes to his senses!

Oh please, men are not stupid, they know exactly what they are doing.

This is not down to the OP not being clear, not explaining it, not spelling it out very slowly to her useless twat of a husband.

He's quite obviously a selfish pig to leave his wife with three young children one of whom is unwell.

He shouldn't have been going out.
He clearly puts himself first and decided to again when he asked to stay over.

OP, I'm sure this isn't a one off.

Wishing you strength tonight and going forward.

Selfish pig. End of.

He asked you to find out how you felt. Which means he was willing to come home if you asked. But your response was sulky passive aggressive bullshit, so thought, 'sod it then, I'm staying over'

Do adult friends usually ask each other if they'd like to stay over after a dinner out?! When at least one of them has a partner and kids at home? Really odd to me.
Anyway OP YADNBU to be pissed off - I'd be mad at him even suggesting it!

Either I'd miss the passive aggression and therefore think it was OK or I'd spot it and think that I didn't want to give in to said passive aggression and potentially go anyway. However, if someone said 'no, not tonight, I really do need some help tonight' I'd have stayed.

I agree with @KellyHall - The absence of a positive role model when growing up will mean a greater chance that fathers revert to the scenario of "let mum handle it".
This was exactly what happened to my sister - and she eventually had to spell out tasks she expected her husband to cover. He never really thought to go out of his way to help her or got hints that she was overwhelmed, having had a completely pampered upbringing himself (his mum was guilty on that count).
I hope being completely blunt in setting out your partner's share of responsibilities will help.
BTW I also think it's not great that he did not read into your voice that you were unhappy about him staying the night away from an unwell baby - don't let this slide. Hope your baby feels better soon.

Do adult friends usually ask each other if they'd like to stay over after a dinner out?! When at least one of them has a partner and kids at home? Really odd to me.

If it's late/your friend has a long journey home/they've been drinking, yes, adults do.

He knew what he was doing.

Why was he on the couch? And why was he still going out when the baby was sick, you were knackered and you have other children to look after?

I'd guess this isn't the first time he's treated parenting as solely your job.

Inconsiderate shit. Book a weekend away and leave him with the kids. Tell him to buckle up and pull his weight or fuck right off.

Yeah right, the friend asked if he wanted to stay overnight?!

He asked the friend if he could!

Agree that you should say what you actually want instead of sarcasm or PA nonsense. Be clear and then he has no excuse whatsoever.

What @SarahAndQuack and @billy1966 said, 100%.

I hope your baby feels better soon, and that you get some much needed rest and you time.

Yes @saraclara but that's usually at the end of a night, after said drinking etc. This supposedly happened in advance of the night out. Just odd to me as no one I know asks each other before they go out if they want to stay over, now that most are married and/or with kids.

It's besides the point anyway as he's acted like a selfish plonker regardless!

You shouldn't have told him to do what he wanted. Rookie error.
Yes, you should hand over both kids to him today whilst you have some time to yourself.
However, you do know that he will return home with a raging hangover and be fit for nothing all day? Somehow or other this will become your fault.