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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH?

79 replies

nobodylikesacockwomble · 14/09/2019 21:47

So imagine you're a man. The baby is full of cold and has been up all night (you slept on the sofa so had a lovely full night's sleep), both kids have been crying and mardy all day. You're going out for a meal with your friends tonight (by yourself), and one of them asks if you'd like to stay over at theirs. Your wife has been up all night with the baby and had to deal with both kids all day. When you mention staying at your friend's tonight she says 'whatever, do what you want' (in a very pissed off voice). What would you do?

Obviously DH did what he wanted and is now out with his friends and staying overnight, whereas I'm dealing with the poorly baby who has been up 3 times since she went to bed, and bracing myself to be sleeping in her room tonight.

AIBU to be royally pissed off at DH for staying out? I know I said he could do what he wanted but obviously didn't mean it!!

OP posts:
RealMermaid · 14/09/2019 22:13

Next time don't say something like that which you don't mean. If you don't want to say no outright then just ask him what he thinks the right decision is and have a conversation about it.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 22:15

If he was a decent bloke he would have recognised that he should've stayed in and done his share of childcare and let OP rest, OP shouldn't have to point this out to him

Abouttimemum · 14/09/2019 22:16

Although it would have been nice if he hadn’t even asked / mentioned it to you and just come home, when he asked you what you wanted you should have told him properly.
Why have you had to deal with both kids all day?

I was up all night with our baby last night so tonight I’m sleeping in the spare room and he is dealing. I would have expected him to still go out for a planned meal but definitely come home to help. It’s only fair.

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2019 22:16

Why have you dealt with the kids all day and why is he ducking out by sleeping on the sofa
Now of course he shouldn’t have gone out but it runs deeper than that

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/09/2019 22:16

So tomorrow when he gets home, you say;

'dh, as you've now had two nights full sleep and left me looking after two children. One of them is sick, it's now my turn to 'do as I want', so here are the dc, please take them out for the day as I'm going back to bed, you can also sort out everyone's dinner/tea, bath the dc tonight and put them to bed whilst I rest for the rest of the day. PS, I dont give a shit if you're hungover.

EmmiJay · 14/09/2019 22:17

@ToffeeApple Ok.

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 22:18

We have no idea how much “childcare” he has done recently.
The adult thing would be to discuss it. Either say that you’d rather he didn’t go as you were up in the night and were looking forward to your turn on the sofa. Or yes of course he can go but don’t forget you have a night away booked next week.

SandyY2K · 14/09/2019 22:18

Have to agree with pp...you should have told him you need some sleep, he so staying out doesn't work for you.

I understand you expected him to know he shouldn't even have considered sleeping out... I totally get it...but I assume you know him well and that him being considerate doesn't come naturally.

As tomorrow is Sunday....hopefully he's not working...so leave him with the kids and go out for a few hours during the daytime.

If you have family nearby ..go and have a rest there.

Tell him after 2 sleepless nights and doing it all on your own, you need a rest.

RJnomore1 · 14/09/2019 22:18

I don’t agree that men don’t understand hints either.

They do, just some are arseholes abd choose to pretend they don’t because they get away with it.

Set the bar higher.

Pipanchew2 · 14/09/2019 22:19

OMG, OP are we married to the same man? That is absolutely the type of crap my DH would pull. You’ve taken some stick here for being ‘passive aggressive’ as have I when I’ve posted in a similar vein but sometimes when you’re pissed off and knackered being the rational adult that can communicate effectively isn’t always possible and sarcasm is all you’ve got left!

Are you able to take a day out and leave him with the kids? Maybe give them some orange smarties on your way out Wink

Alsohuman · 14/09/2019 22:20

Just say what you mean.

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2019 22:21

I’d go nuts, I’d tell him not to bother coming back. Wanker.

Span1elsRock · 14/09/2019 22:25

People only behave in ways they are enabled to, OP.

Instead of seething with resentment, make it clear that you are both adults, both parents and the load is to be shared. And if he doesn't want to, the door is that way -----)

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2019 22:26

YANBU to feel pissed off.

YANBU to want him to offer to stay home, or to read between the lines, or to have his own independent thought about what would be reasonable.

Look, I bet everyone has done it - the pissed of “do what you like” thing. But it doesn’t help.

So text him to say please be home early tomorrow as you need to sleep all day because you’ve had 2 broken nights, so he’s on childcare duty all day.

And next time he “asks” say “It’s your decision but do you think it’s OK, given that I’ve had no sleep last night? If you came home by 12 I could sleep on the sofa and you could take over.”

Sorethroathightemp · 14/09/2019 22:27

DP used to always ask me, knowing I’d say do what you want. He did it once too often and I told him that I would be saying no from now on. He either said straight out “I’m staying at my friends tonight” or he asked like I was his mother on a school night and I’d say no.

He never ever said it until DC were about four.

He knew he was being a shit. He wants permission from you to be a shit so it’s your fault.

Sorethroathightemp · 14/09/2019 22:30

That should say...

He never ever said it again...

EmmiJay · 14/09/2019 22:33

@RJ. My comment, particularly that sentence, was sarcasm. Bout set the bar higher....Confused

callmeadoctor · 14/09/2019 22:35

welcome to a "Mans world"!!!!!

Winterlife · 14/09/2019 22:36

YANBU to be pissed off. Why is he asking you what to do as if you are his mother?

I agree with the pp, that tomorrow, you text him in the morning and tell him he needs to come home NOW, hand him the children, and tell him as he's had a few days of "R & R", he will need to sort out the children on his own, while you rest.

taytosandwich · 14/09/2019 22:40

If I was offered an escape from a pissed off passive aggressive DH I think I might say yes too. I think this is a bit blown out of proportion, when he gets home tomorrow he's on sick baby duty and you can rest.

littleorangecat22 · 14/09/2019 22:45

He was BU to go out, but you were more so for handling it that way. Next time say what you mean. I can't be bothered with passive-aggressive crap like this, and if someone said "do what you want" in a passive-aggressive tone that meant the opposite of what they were saying, I'd go and do the thing even if it wasn't really what I wanted to do to make a point. Say what you mean or say nothing at all.

HerkyBaby · 14/09/2019 22:46

When he gets back home with his monster hangover tomorrow decamp to your bedroom , close the door and leave him to it. Barricade it if needs be - make sure you take drinks and snacks with you and maybe consider taking all tv remotes with you so he had to properly parent all day and doesn’t just park the children in front of the TV. If you don’t get any peace just get in the car and go and park up somewhere and catch up on your sleep there. He will get the message. Oh and don’t forget it’s your turn to have a full nights sleep on the sofa too.

sugar88 · 14/09/2019 22:47

I can understand why you're annoyed, but now you've said "do what you want" you've given him an excuse for his actions.

Next time make sure you're very clear that you need his help and don't want him to go. And what I mean by that is tell him directly and don't leave him to decipher your indirect comments.

Jellybeansincognito · 14/09/2019 22:53

My dh does some pretty shitty things but he wouldn’t ever do this, you’re meant to be a team. You’re not a team when half of you gets to banish responsibility during hard times.
Leaving you on your own struggling is one thing, but going out and actively enjoying themselves/ staying over is another.
Nobody with any love and respect would be able to leave and actually enjoy themselves without feeling guilty.
Hope you’re ok x

SarahAndQuack · 14/09/2019 22:55

I think this is nothing to do with 'men don't understand hints' or any such sexist claptrap.

I do think you should have said 'no - it's your turn with the children because I've been up in the night'.

Unless you make visible to your DH what work it takes to deal with an ill baby and other children, he won't know. Yes, obviously he should know. But for whatever reason, he doesn't. You want him to notice and sympathise, but - and I'm guessing here - he may not be doing that simply because if you usually do this sort of thing, he probably doesn't realise he's getting it easy. He might even think he had a hard night because he had to sleep on the sofa.

I agree with others that the place to start is tomorrow morning. If it were me, I'd ask as genuinely cheerfully as possible how he is. Then tell him you're shattered and you need a bath/a cup of tea in bed/ 6 hours sleep. And then it does need to happen. If you get any rubbish about 'oh, you were asleep, yes, but DC wanted you, so ...' then you need to stop and sit down and have the big conversation about how you're a team and he isn't stepping up.

But, I do think this is not as simply to do with gender as people imply. He's a man: that doesn't mean he can't parent his child. You're a woman: that doesn't mean you automatically adore sacrificing yourself for your kids. That stuff is utter nonsense.

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