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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a brat?

75 replies

SorryForMyself11 · 14/09/2019 15:02

I know I am, but I just needed a few minutes of feeling sorry for myself before I go back to bright, shiny and happy.

It’s my birthday tomorrow; not a big one, I’m in my late 20’s. I am fully aware that I’m therefore way too old to give a crap about my birthday etc, but I think I’m just a bit fed up in general and a big occasion has highlighted it.

Due to a change in job I’m back living at home with my DM, who totally forgot it was even my birthday until yesterday when she was deciding whether to take overtime at work.

I know from previous years that she doesn’t really ‘do’ birthdays, and neither does my DB, and I’ve been told by both of them not to expect any presents because they’re both skint, and have to work on Monday so not to expect to go for drinks or dinner or anything.

I’ve now got no DP, no friends as I’ve moved miles away, and it’s just a bit depressing to be celebrating your birthday pretty much alone, or with people who you know will be counting the cost of everything.

My DM and DB also have a history of getting into huge fights the day before my birthday, and spend all day giving each other the silent or icy treatment.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my family and they love me, and it’s not about the money. I think the trouble is that I love spoiling people on their birthdays; decorations, presents, their favourite breakfast etc; I really like taking the chance to celebrate their special day, and I know I won’t get anything like that. Again, I get that that’s my problem and nobody else’s, and I should just stop doing it. I’ll also probably hear from my ‘D’ Dad for the first time since last year, and he’ll spend exactly thirty seconds speaking to me before getting back to my stepsisters birthday which is on the same day; for context, last year he didn’t call me because he had taken her to Italy for a four day birthday weekend which ended with him presenting her with her brand new Audi.

Urgh, I don’t even know what my AIBU is, and this has got super long. I’ll probably delete it, but kudos to anyone who made it to the end.

OP posts:
ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 14/09/2019 15:05

AYBU to feel shit about people who are supposed to care about you being shitty and selfish? No. And happy birthday for tomorrow.

Babooshkar · 14/09/2019 15:06

Happy Birthday OP 💗

Sorry your ‘D’ sounds like a total arse too :(

Writersblock2 · 14/09/2019 15:06

It’s okay to be a bit sad about it. I have been there. Sometimes I still feel like that. Pamper yourself and take five minutes to remember that you’re the person you should rely on for happiness.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday, whatever you end up doing. Smile

CupCupGoose · 14/09/2019 15:07

I know exactly how you feel. I love celebrating other people's birthdays and making a big effort for them but I never get it back. I've just given up now because what's the point? Sorry that's probably not very helpful. Can you do soemthing special for yourself? Book a day off work and go do soemthing you'd not normally do?

CupCupGoose · 14/09/2019 15:09

Sorry just realised its tomorrow. I hope you have a lovely day no matter what you end up doing.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/09/2019 15:09

You like spoiling people on their birthday? Then spoil yourself! Plan a lovely self-indulgent treaty day and bugger the lot of them (as my mum used to say).

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/09/2019 15:11

Sorry you are down op. I've had lonely birthdays the past few years being a single mum and i now dont even wait for anyone to let me down, i book some time of work and organise a series of treats for myself. Nice lunch and fancy cake at patisserie valerie, cinema on my own, bottle of fizz, takeaway and some binge watching. I also buy myself a little gift like a mac lipstick and send it with a love note to myself which may be a step too far 😂
Spoil yourself if those selfish sods wont. Happy birthday x

Maniak · 14/09/2019 15:12

Here's something I've learned about birthdays. You have to tell people what you want. You want a card? Say so. You want them not to fight? Be very clear about it. It's the only way.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 14/09/2019 15:12

That was my thought too. Spend the day doing something you would really like to do or visit.

mbosnz · 14/09/2019 15:15

I'd be feeling pretty bloody miserable too, if I were you, particularly with the stark contrast presented by your stepsister.

You are so not being unreasonable.

I wish you may find a way to give yourself the birthday you sound like you deserve, a happy and good one. And that the coming year treats you better.

drinkygin · 14/09/2019 15:18

You are totally not being unreasonable. I don’t buy this “too old for birthdays” bullshit either- birthdays are supposed to be celebrated. Happy birthday op and I’m sorry your family are such selfish arseholes x

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 14/09/2019 15:24

Happy birthday for tomorrow.
Your mum and brother sound very selfish actually.
I wouldn't expect anything off them and plan yourself some treats.

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2019 15:32

Well isn’t your dad a peach?

Sorry it’s not going to be the celebration you’d like it to be.

YANBU. Personally I’d have to confront my dad about last year - how utterly vile.

antwacky · 14/09/2019 15:37

I would definitely just go out and do something nice for your birthday and try not to let others get you down (easier said than done I know)

I was in a similar situation last year (not a birthday but a day/time of year that I struggle with) but was determined to not have a sad time by sitting at home on my own. I went to London for two nights, stayed in a Travel Lodge and moooched around the Southbank, visited the Tate Modern and a few other places that I've never had chance to visit. It was great, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt so much better and stronger in myself, it did me the world of good. I planned to do it again for the same two days this year but unfortunately I was ill and stuck in bed but I will do it again next year.

It's your special day and if you want to celebrate down let them drag you down. Have a lovely day and do something good for yourself.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/09/2019 15:45

YANBU or a brat. I'd buy myself a birthday present of some counselling if I were you. In addition to making myself my favourite breakfast and buying a gift for myself. Your DF sounds like a dreadful excuse for a human being tbh.

Lindy2 · 14/09/2019 15:52

You're probably not going to be able to change how your family are but you can change what you do.
Do something for yourself tomorrow. Something you will enjoy and something that depends on no one else.
Depending on what you like and budget some possibilities are - a walk by a river followed by coffee and cake, a new outfit, facial and manicure, a swim and sauna.
Anything you know you will like.
I'd probably also avoid answering the phone to your dad. You don't need calls like that on your birthday either.

Bookworm4 · 14/09/2019 15:54

My DM and DB also have a history of getting into huge fights the day before my birthday,
Can you enlighten us as to why?

Alexel · 14/09/2019 15:55

I hope you have a good birthday!

Two of my friends remembered my birthday this year plus parents. Didn't do anything, sat at home. But the two friends send a text which was nice.

Two years before I was in an abusive relationship didn't celebrate. No one text me then as I was isolated.

Idk, my birthdays since passing the age of 24 have been non existent. Maybe it's the age thing, maybe it's the people. Difference is I'm okay with it but if you're not you should celebrate how you want to. Decorate your house, get some cake, dance. Flowers

Livebythecoast · 14/09/2019 15:57

Happy birthday for tomorrow OP! WineFlowersCake. x

imnotinthemood · 14/09/2019 15:57

Birthdays are rubbish , I'm a bit like you op I put a lot of thought into people's birthday but it's never really reciprocated. I think it's because I play it down and act like it's no big deal so people think I don't a fuss but I do a little bit .
It's ok to feel like that, no advice but feel free to vent away . Happy birthday Thanks

Heartburn888 · 14/09/2019 16:12

Biggest birthday wishes to you lovely!

You remind me of me, I love to celebrate someone’s birthday and make them feel special and give them their fave breakfast and presents and make them feel special on their special day. It’s not often reciprocated for me either and it is the downside to having a massive heart :(

If no one can do things for you, you do them for yourself and treat yourself to a nice breakfast, but yourself a expensive birthday treat and book yourself into the salon for some treatments and take yourself out for dinner! If you don’t mind that kind of thing! Give yourself the best day you can because you deserve it xxxx

Heartburn888 · 14/09/2019 16:15

@DontTouchTheMoustache

Absolutely love the love note to yourself! If it brightens your day why the hell not!

TixieLix · 14/09/2019 16:31

YANBU OP to feel miffed that your DM and DB make no effort. You don't need a lot of money to make someone feel special and it's sad they can't try a bit harder to help you celebrate in your birthday.

Your DF is another thing altogether! How awful that he treats your SSis so differently to his bio child. What's the back story? Have your DPs been prt a long time? Do you have any sort of regular relationship with your DF?

I hope you get to enjoy your birthday despite your dysfunctional family 🎉🎂🍾💐

Original poster
SorryForMyself11 · 14/09/2019 16:50

Thanks so much for your sweet words everyone; it’s making me quite emotional! I honestly expected lots of raised eyebrows and for people to tell me to get over myself, so it’s a lovely surprise!

Tixie my dad has pretty much always been the same; my parents divorced when I was 13 because he left my mum for the OW, and they have been together since, with him raising her three kids as his own for the last 14 odd years. That’s a whole other story which involves me and my DB not being invited to his wedding, and him blaming us for the divorce.

Will try and make tomorrow a good day for myself, thanks so so much for all the well wishes!

OP posts:
LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/09/2019 16:55

One of the most chilled birthdays I ever had was when DH was away for work so I had a pity party and took the day off work.

I had a nice breakfast outside, then went to the gym, had a swim and a sauna, finished it off in a jacuzzi (chatting to some nice people), then home for a lazy afternoon watching a film, made my favourite meal, glass of wine and watched history programmes on tv with chocolate (and more wine).

Very relaxed.