Being asked for professional favour by a total stranger

[LavenderHills]

I work as an advisor for a fairly high-profile MP. Last night I met a close friend for a drink and she had another friend with her, who I had never met before. The drink was a last-minute thing and I knew she had the friend with her, so no problem. We're all having a nice chat and then the other friend, out of nowhere, asks me if I could organise an internship with my boss for her uni student DD. I felt uncomfortable having been asked this by a total stranger, but politely explained that we don't take interns and never have. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and kept saying "All I'm hearing is that you've never had interns before now. Surely you could make it happen?" When I tried to change the subject, she said "Look how she's trying to avoid the question!" I shut it down and ended up leaving early as I felt really awkward. AIBU for being annoyed at my friend for putting me in that position? I don't think she organised it on purpose and I know she can't control the behaviour of her friend, but she could have backed me up when I was saying no and trying to change the subject!

You feel cross? For a woman asking if you could arrange an intern for her DD.

And MN'ers think this is CF?

I don't. Seems a totally reasonable thing to ask. The only unreasonable thing is her not accepting the first no.

@WhereYouLeftIt No, I invited her. We agreed around lunchtime to have a drink after work, and at 4pm-ish she asked if her friend could come too. I didn't think anything if it, we often make arrangements like that and I'm normally very relaxed about being joined by friends-of-friends.

I would get less relaxed about the tag-ons, with that friend at least. She might have more cheeky fucker mates in the wings, waiting to take centre stage.

I'd get some lines ready for when you start getting high pressure messages on Facebook.

For asking a total stranger for an internship, Ob, you don't find that rude? I think that's fucking horrible. They'd just met.

You feel cross? For a woman asking if you could arrange an intern for her DD. hmm

And MN'ers think this is CF?

From someone that I've literally just met, who tagged along for a social drink with a mutual drink, I would find this behaviour "forward", yes.

For that person to refuse to take no for an answer, and to start being rude and trying to back me into a corner, I would consider this very rude.

If friend is a good friend I'd cut her some slack. Even if she did know she probably had no idea this woman was going to accost you like that.

Perhaps I'd reply something along the lines of "It wasn't your fault she was so pushy, I'm sure you were blindsided by her rudeness too. But I'm sure you'll understand if I ask that you not invite her along again when you and I meet up".

You'd just met her but she clearly knew who you were. She was there for a reason. I'd be pissed off about that. Can't believe how brass necked some people are!

I'd have just asked her to stop going on at me and raised a hand to show stop. Nothing wrong with asking once but going on and on like that is out of order.
I'd tell the friend I didn't want to meet up with this woman again. Do you get access to all those subsidized meals as well?

I understand you are annoyed,but don't let it affect the friendship you have. Sounds like your friend was surprised by her friend's behaviour. Neither you nor your friend did anything wrong. You had made your answer clear. There was nothing much further to say.

Oblomov19 can I suggest you might feel different about it when it's the nth person who's asked? Frankly I'm only surprised that OP hasn't been approached before as it's a well worn path for many

FWIW, if someone's going to ask at all, a better approach is "such-and-such is interested in x, y or z; could you recommend anyone they might contact?" ... which at least puts it onto the shoulders of those whose job it is to deal with such things

The woman sounds like a right pain and you handled it well. That being said, I’d don’t think it’s fair to blame your friend for this. She shouldn’t have to take sides when two people she knows and likes are disagreeing.

Maybe if you were weak or vulnerable you could have done with some support but you sound well able to speak for yourself and IMO your friend was quite right not to butt in.

"Sorry about that. She's just a bit intense."

Your friend has acknowledged what happened and said sorry. So I'm not sure what else you want? Just move on from this now, it's an annoying thing to have happened, but it's not exactly a big deal. I'm surprised you're not used to this sort of request anyway. Forget about it.

I expect your friend was blindsided. As she is conflict avoidant, it’s unfair to expect her to back you up especially without asking against another friend. It sounds as if she felt out of her depth enough as is. You don’t have to see her again, she does. Well that it is, she probably wants to.

"All I'm hearing is that you've never had interns before now. Surely you could make it happen?"

Well I suggest you have your hearing checked because I have told you, quite clearly that we do not use interns, which means that the answer is 'no'. I've come for a drink with my friend; not to be rudely interrogated by someone I've never met.

CF. I'd text your friend back and say that she wasn't intense - just bloody rude. And that you'd prefer it if she didn't join you again in the future.

Your friend is not responsible for her friend's actions. She's apologised, so I'd move on.

Ugh, how awful and uncomfortable!
And it sounds like the friend of your friend had that aim all along, whether or not your friend knew it was going to happen.

How very fucking rude though, to keep insisting that you should do something that doesn't happen and you don't want to change!

Well she's burnt her bridges good and proper with her attitude now, hasn't she. And you should make that clear - that her over-pushy attitude has ruined any chance of her DD being let anywhere near your MP's office.

And yeah, I wouldn't be having drinks with her EVER again.

Not your friend's fault. I bet the person asking for the favour has read some self--help nonsense about not taking no for an answer.

Sounds like friend of a friend was annoying perhaps after a drink or two she was thought this was 'banter'

A bit ott to be annoyed at friend though. She has acknowledged the friend was too much and it wasnt an argument more her being persistent and you contuing to say no, I wouldn't have thought back up was required.

I would not be keen to see friend of friend again, but I would not miss out on things to avoid her either.

Unless I'm missing something, why would she expect you introduce a stranger into your workplace anyway? You dont know the DD but her actions and behaviour would reflect on you.

Thanks for all the replies and advice! I'm not going to let this one incident affect a good friendship, and have sent a reply very similar to @AcrossthePond55 's suggestion. She replied immediately with an assurance that she understands and another apology, so that's the end of that.

I definitely won't be agreeing to see the CF ever again!

@HuggedTheRedwoods Yes exactly!

"All I'm hearing is that you've never had interns before now.”

“Is that all you’re hearing? You didn’t hear me say No? I’ll say it again. No. We don’t do that.”

And no need to be cross with your friend. You’re in a position of responsibility, you can handle yourself and it’s possible your friend was simply following your lead. If you really needed the support, you could have turned to your friend and asked for backup.

Well when I’m at work and the public get arsey with me because they can’t get their own way, I’m much less inclined to help them!!

I once had a women blow a gasket for something absolutely minuscule and I could have gone the extra mile (it wouldn’t have been expected and it wasn’t part of my job description) but I thought sod you! Carrying on like that because you can’t get your own way. Had she been reasonable and nice, I would have gone that extra mile!

My point is, he attitude wasn’t pleasant towards you and tit owe her nothing 👌xx

Your friend did owe you an apology. And I think that maybe there's another dimension to the idea of doing-favors-for-friends (or friends-of-friends) professionally that is intrinsically morally corrupt that you might want to mention to her. That is, it can be a form of privileging the privileged. I think about this because I used to work at a company that did have internships, but only for young people of color. My field was one that was mostly white. Many of these interns were great kids, and many of them were hired after they graduated college, and they enriched our company with their perspectives. They would not have been discovered if internships could be given through networks of white people and the mostly white people they know. There are so many talented people in the world, there has to be a more fair system than pushing for your friend-of-a-friend's niece to get a leg up. Sine that time, I won't be a part of it.

Sheesh if she had asked me she'd have got a rant about fair recruitment practices and unfair influence - why should her little darling not have to apply the same as anyone else.