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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to take the job

52 replies

Leobynature · 14/09/2019 05:39

DH was made redundant a couple of months ago. We have a toddler. I returned to work FT when she was 10 months old. I feel so guilty for leaving her but we need the money and I am the main breadwinner. The only thing that use to ease the guilt was that DH use to work a late shift so DD was only at a childminder for 4 hours per day.
DH is manual labourer who has always struggled to find work. He is hard working and always willing to work.
He has been offered a job which is day time hours. He is pleased about this. I am gutted as Dd will need to be in childcare FT. AIBU to ask him to look for Evening or night work?

I would love to go PT but we can’t afford it at the moment.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2019 05:44

How much will he make compared to how much childcare will cost? How old is your baby?

Winterlife · 14/09/2019 05:44

I think YABU, if that’s what he wants.

Original poster
Leobynature · 14/09/2019 05:50

It’s low wages but childcare is only £400 per week as his mother takes DD 2 days per week.,I’m not keen on MILs house, it’s very busy and all the grandchildren go there. DD is often overwhelmed when she returns. But I appreciate her help and DD is looked after.

Dd is only 20 months

OP posts:
cheercaptain · 14/09/2019 05:57

Yes you are BU. She will get used to your new schedule/routine. Think of your DH and his needs too. You pay £400/week for 12hrs childcare? Or did I read that wrong?

filka · 14/09/2019 06:15

The longer you stay out of work, the harder it is to go back or even get another job offer. So I would advise to take the job as it could have a long term impact on employability, then mental health etc.

NameChangerAmI · 14/09/2019 06:34

OP. I would feel the same as you, tbh.

I would ask him what his thoughts are, express mine, but ultimately it's his decision.

YANBU to ask, but as you have said, your DH finds it difficult to find work, so it probably makes financial sense for him to take the job.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 14/09/2019 06:34

Flip it, would you be happy if you were offered a job in your field and he wanted you not to take it, or to do evening or night work? Yabu.

Genevieva · 14/09/2019 06:38

Has he thought about becoming self-employed gardener? People pay a lot more than minimum wage to have someone come in and mow their lawn / trip their hedges / clear their gutters... and he could arrange the hours to fit in with family. In my experience very few gardeners do any actual gardening, so he wouldn't need to know about plants, but he could easily listen to what customers wanted and do some internet research or anything new.

Ginmel · 14/09/2019 06:41

You don't want him to take the job because him not working relieves your guilt
He is hard working and happy to have been offered this job

I think you are being selfish. Dd will be fine. Jobs are rarely a dime a dozen anymore

Yabvu

AdriannaP · 14/09/2019 06:55

Yabu - a steady job and income is a good thing when you have a small family and your DH is happy. Imagine the other way round.

Can you work shorter hours or do 2 long days and have a 1 day off? Any flexibility on your end so you can see your daughter more? Can your DH get childcare vouchers? Maybe that would help a bit.

I worked pt until DD was three and lost money as high childcare and commuting costs. But allowed me to get a better FT job when she was 3 and pay money back. Could you take a financial hit for a year so you can work PT or cut down spendings? When she is 3 you get extra childcare funding which will help.

eladen · 14/09/2019 07:04

Why do you feel guilty? Nothing you're describing is a bad thing here - other than wanting to damage someone else's employment prospects as a sticking plaster for your guilt. You need to get help for that instead if your emotions are that unbearable and unmanageable.

Tippety · 14/09/2019 07:12

Could you look for evening or night work if it means that much to you?

OooErMissus · 14/09/2019 07:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be OK with this. But I guess you have to be.

Sorry OP. Thanks

Marnie76 · 14/09/2019 07:19

She isn’t in childcare full time if your MIL looks after her. Ask if you or your husband can do compressed hours so that you can take one day off or if you can do some work at home to make up one days hours. Then she would only be in childcare for 2 days.
I do appreciate it is hard, but You and your husband are doing what’s best for your family by working to look after that family.

BigRedBoat · 14/09/2019 07:21

£400 a week for childcare?

FrauHaribo · 14/09/2019 07:25

YABU

Nothing stops you from at least looking for evening/ weekends jobs for yourself

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 14/09/2019 07:25

I can see why you wouldn't want him to take it, but you cant force someone to be a SAHP if they dont want to be. Obviously the current set up doesn't work for him.

Longer term, does mil doing childcare work? As in, you are only around 8 months away from your dc starting pre school (most offer places at 2.5 around here). Would MIL be able to do the preschool run? Then school, would MIL be able to do the school run?

Could you suggest he does look at building his own business? Does he have skills that would be useful for this? Could he use this time when you dont need the money as such, but MIL can do childcare 2 days a week to study/train?

purplestarz · 14/09/2019 07:31

Is your child happy at the childminders?
I felt so guilty sending my LO to childminders and working full time, it upset me so much.
But when I drop him off, even after only a few weeks.. he was so happy to see her he loves it there, she tells me he loves watching the older children and they all love playing together, she sends me photos throughout the day so I know he's happy.
I realised it's only me who's unhappy and actually I just want him with me all the time.. you sometimes have to just readjust the way you think about it, my son spends days happily playing with his little friends when I'm not there.
Surly if your husband works days then you all have evenings together? Spend more time as a family?

WaterSheep · 14/09/2019 07:31

£400 for 3 days of childcare when she's only there for 4 hours a day?

That doesn't seem right. Confused

Marnie76 · 14/09/2019 07:32

Maybe they also pay the mil sonething

Marnie76 · 14/09/2019 07:34

Or she means £400 p/m

StatisticallyChallenged · 14/09/2019 07:36

I'm guessing that was meant to be £400 per month

MarigoldGlove · 14/09/2019 07:38

You are being unreasonable to expect your husband to not work to look after your dd because you don’t want her in childcare. Why should he be the one to sacrifice his career and say no to a job he was ‘very pleased’ to be offered?

ShiftHappens · 14/09/2019 07:41

YABU. he does not want to be a sahp.

why don't you leave your work and look for an evening and weekend job instead so you don't need childcare if it is that important to you?

DonnaDarko · 14/09/2019 07:44

I also think YABU, sorry. My partner and I have always worked full time because it's necessary. We did consider evening and weekend work but that would mean we'd never get any quality time together.

DS is in nursery full time and loves it, and we always do fun stuff at the weekend and on ocassion will take him out of nursery for a day or two while we have a long weekend away. You can have proper family time at the weekend, there's no need to sacrifice evenings and weekends so you can feel less guilty.

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