To not want him to take the job

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DH was made redundant a couple of months ago. We have a toddler. I returned to work FT when she was 10 months old. I feel so guilty for leaving her but we need the money and I am the main breadwinner. The only thing that use to ease the guilt was that DH use to work a late shift so DD was only at a childminder for 4 hours per day.
DH is manual labourer who has always struggled to find work. He is hard working and always willing to work.
He has been offered a job which is day time hours. He is pleased about this. I am gutted as Dd will need to be in childcare FT. AIBU to ask him to look for Evening or night work?

I would love to go PT but we can’t afford it at the moment.

Maybe because the OP is the main breadwinner whilst her DH is low paid? Lots of better paid jobs aren't available as shiftwork so it's quite possible the family couldn't survive financially of the OP decided to be as close to a sahp as possible

Did you mean £400 a month for childcare, op?

YABU, he can’t turn down a job because you feel guilty.

In a couple of years your DD will be in school, will you still feel guilty then? She won’t remember when she’s older if she was was in childcare or at home at the age of 2.

Yabu, this is about your guilt and that shouldnt influence whether your DH takes a job or not. I never understand guilt like this, it's a pointless and needless emotion that only serves to make someone feel worse. We all just do what's best for our families.

You are gutted that your DH is happy to get a job? YABU to expect him not to work days to ease your guilt. What about his own self of worth?

YABVU. It's up to him if he wants to work and you shouldn't guilt him into changing it. He has struggled to find work and it may well be a matter of pride for him.

Maybe because the OP is the main breadwinner whilst her DH is low paid? Lots of better paid jobs aren't available as shiftwork so it's quite possible the family couldn't survive financially of the OP decided to be as close to a sahp as possible.

How many posts on here about your job being just as important as the mans even if he is the breadwinner, and he should support the fact that you want to go back to work. Why is it different because he is a man? He is an adult too who can make decisions for his family.

Night work is horrible.

And if he did night or evening work you'd hardly see each other.

Why does he struggle with work? Does he have an attitude? Poor work ethic?
He's been offered a job- he should take it

YABVU.

You expect him to turn down a job because of the guilt you carry for working yourself

Think about it. Then work on getting past your ridiculous guilt. Millions of parents work and use childcare across the world every single day.

yabu and overly precious - your MIL sounds amazing and your child will have lovely memories of all her cousins and time when there I am sure - you need to knock the guilt on the head I am afraid and its not fair to deny your husband getting a job and earning (and hopefully contributing to a pension for himself). He is a labourer you don't get many evening and overnight labourers unless you are on the railways

Thanks for the replies. If he starts this job DD will be in nursery 3 days per week which is £400 per month.

My field is a 9-5 job with no evening or night work as I would have jumped at the chance. I started a new job 3 months ago (before we knew of DH) redundancy). I am the manager do my new employer wants me to be on the shop floor so to speak. I have been denied Pt hours and anyway I think I would need to work FT to make ends meet. I will ask regarding compressed hours.

Everyone is right. I know this is about me but I feel enormous guilt that my DD will never see us and she’s so small. She is a happy girl but I feel like I am missing out.
I might need to look for another job with a more flexible employer

He has a great work ethic there is just little work in an uncertain climate.

If your current job won't support PT can you look for another? Can you get one which is evenings/ weekends? If it's shop work that would seem possible perhaps? I don't understand why you can't earn less now that your OH is starting to bring money in. If you've been managing before can you not reduce your income to the level that he's bringing money in? Or have you been racking up debt before as a short term crisis thing?

I don’t work in a shop. I work in a managerial level in a 9-5 job. The company closes at 6 and does not open on the weekend. Evening and weekend working is not available in my industry. I earn over £40k so I could afford to go PT however my manager has said no. There is currently no PT jobs being advertised.

I could ask for compressed hours ( unlikely to be granted) or I will look for a job that will allow wfh a bit more. But I will need to be in this job for at least 6 months and find a new job will take time for me.

Not sure if I'm being thick or not... if he's a manual labourer how can he do night work?

I do t want to sound stupid but if you change your hours to be with your DD you will miss out on other time with her. You need to work on getting over the guilt, not turning your working day upside down.

Your DD will benefit from being socialised with other people. Early years are crucial for development so you shouldn't feel guilty about this. YABVU to want to control DH this way.

He was previously doing skilled work in warehouses which most to shift work. That is an option for him although there are few jobs being advertised in warehouse/ factory because of brexit

YABVU. Why should h be to take an evening job? Your child is 20 months, she is fine in childcare and will be interacting with others which is good for he, and well looked after by her grandmother on other occasions. It sounds like your husband is glad he now has a job, that’s he’s happy as well to do, and will mean you can all spend t8me in the evenings as a family, rather than ships passing in the night

However if you are that upset about it, and don’t want to accept the reality here’s, then you find a job in the evenings

Yabu. Shes 20months! You realise that many, many children go into childcare far earlier. My ds went into ft childcare for half a half the day and I'm a sahm. Your dd will be fine as many other children are. It would be massively unreasonable to ask your dh to do night work. Would you like to do that?

Yes YABU, if you want your DD in childcare less then you need to change your hours. Plenty of other families manage it, your DH has as much right to work as you do. If it was the other way around and the man saying he wanted his wife to work less as he didn't like her in too much childcare, there would be uproar.

YABU, you say your husband has a good work ethic and wants to work. Your DD is nearly 2, I'm sure she will be fine in nursery.

Everyone is right. I know this is about me but I feel enormous guilt that my DD will never see us and she’s so small.

eh? evenings, mornings, weekends, I guess you are both having annual leave as well. There is really no need to over dramatise!

I think you are being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with your child being in child care, it can be very good for them.

You're asking him to be a SAHP AND work nights, both a huge ask, when he doesn't want to do either and has a perfectly good prospect that includes neither.

I think you need to accept the fact that child care is not a terrible thing for your child.

Blimey, most people would kill to work a 9 to 5, I don't see any of those anymore. You see your kid plenty!

nothing stops you from looking for another role, it doesn't matter if you've only been in your current place for 3 months. I promise you that's it's a nightmare to recruit people who accept to work weekends, let alone evenings. Easiest jobs to get when you want one, no one else does!

(I am aware that emergency personal and a lot of workers have no choice, wasn't my point)