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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Gay child with terrible parents

65 replies

ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:07

Hi - I'm new to Mumsnet so please forgive me if I don't get this right!

I'm in need of some advice please - my cousin's daughter has come out to her as gay and said that she has a girlfriend. The daughter is 14. My cousin and her husband are not handling it well and have told their daughter that they'd'd prefer she was dead, to 'forget the gay' etc etc. There is a long list of appalling comments. She isn't allowed to see friends after school - ever - in case the she sees her girlfriend.

The child is contacting me and asking me for help as she is desperately unhappy. No doubt this is impacting on her schooling - never mind her long-term mental health. I really want to help but have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? Can the school do anything given that she isn't actually being abused?

The 14 year old is really clear that she will move out of home when she's 16 - does she just have to sit tight until she's 16? Help!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/09/2019 21:09

What help do you think you could offer? Maybe see if she wants to spend a week at your house for a bit of respite?

Original poster
ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:19

I should have said - I'm gay - I always thought my cousin was completely fine with me and my partner. Turns out she isn't! So, having anything to do with my cousin's daughter is a problem as they think I'm encouraging her... So, I'd happily offer a week staying with me but I don't think they'd allow it. They wouldn't think, for one second, that I wouldn't immediately invite her girlfriend over plus every other lgbt child in a 25 mile radius! The irony is that I'd actually be really strict... So, I'm left in a really difficult position but very keen to help.

OP posts:
dontcallmeduck · 13/09/2019 21:20

She is being abused. This is emotional abuse. And yes the school will be very interested and will support her.

BertieBotts · 13/09/2019 21:22

Encourage her to talk to school. They should have staff members who are trained to help whether it's just offering counselling or legal advice.

There must be some kind of LGBT youth helpline? I can't Google at the moment unfortunately.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/09/2019 21:23

Who is telling you all this?

titchy · 13/09/2019 21:24

Talk to your cousin. Don't do anything until you've done that.

Original poster
ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:24

@dontcallmeduck - thank you - does that mean that if I get the agreement of the child and approach the school they will talk to me? I don't have children and don't know how it works. Will they then intervene and talk to the parents - and offer counselling? What practical steps do you think they would take? (thank you)

OP posts:
messolini9 · 13/09/2019 21:25

Can the school do anything given that she isn't actually being abused?

You what?

She IS being abused. Horribly.
Her parents have said they want her dead.
They are refusing to accept her orientation, & have confined her to barracks.

FFS at least tell the school.

Original poster
ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:26

@LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD - the child - my cousin also told me that her daughter had come out to her and how appalled they were.

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 13/09/2019 21:27

I’d contact the safeguarding lead at her school, and tell them all this. They’ll be able to support her and will welcome supportive family members.

Original poster
ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:28

@messolini9 - I know it's a horrendous thing to say - but parents have different religious and cultural beliefs and I guess the question is whether she has to live by their rules until she is 16.

OP posts:
CheeseStraws · 13/09/2019 21:30

Agree, she is being abused. Awful.

Purpleartichoke · 13/09/2019 21:30

You can call the school and report your concerns. The school can tell you absolutely nothing.

Would your cousin consider giving you custody? It is a huge commitment, but if they are wishing her dead, they might be willing to let her go.

At the very least, you could tell your niece she is welcome in your home once she is old enough to choose her own living situation. You could ease her transition to independence in the way parents normally help.

margaritaproblems · 13/09/2019 21:30

"Given that she isn't actually being abused"?
What the actual fuck.

If telling somebody they are better off dead for their sexuality isn't abuse then I don't know what is.

Is homophobic abuse all of a sudden ok if it's your parents that do it?

Call social services and don't minimise it. It's obvious emotional abuse and very damaging.

Passthecherrycoke · 13/09/2019 21:32

The school can offer her support but at 14 wouldn’t they expect her to approach them herself? I think you’d be better off encouraging that. The school aren’t going to anything dramatic, like changing her parents view, it’ll just be support until she’s 16.

margaritaproblems · 13/09/2019 21:32

Didn't mean that to come across as arsey as it did 😩
Not angry with you, it's the parents, I don't understand how parents can be like that. I just don't

LiveRightNow · 13/09/2019 21:35

Wow your cousin said how appalled they are knowing you were openly gay? How on earth did you respond? Is the school she goes to a religious one (I note you mentioned religious beliefs as a concern)? Do you think they wouldn't take your concern seriously? I would hope any good school would (and legally surely they have to).

Treaclebee · 13/09/2019 21:37

Any chance you could speak to your cousin and explain how much damage they are doing to their daughter? I mean are they aware of that and just don't give a sh1t, or might it be possible to reason with them?

PhilSwagielka · 13/09/2019 21:39

Given that there are people who kill their own children for being gay, you're right to be concerned.

Spingtrolls · 13/09/2019 21:46

Given the reaction from her parents, she might be confident enough to approach the school alone.
Ask her if she would mind if you set up a meeting with you, her and her head of year or someone from the safeguarding team she feels comfortable with.

You can both contact switchboard switchboard.lgbt/
Perhaps pass on the details to her parents at some point in the future.

I would also consider calling SS on Monday to see if there's anything they can do because of the emotional abuse. They might not be able to help directly but should know about local resources.

Spingtrolls · 13/09/2019 21:50

And if you think she is at risk of harm, do call emergency services.
If it gets too much for her or if she runs away, would you put her up? If cousin sends police there's a strong possibility that they will advise she stays and they will make a referral to SS. This has been my experience anyway.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 13/09/2019 21:53

Have you thought about ringing the LGNT switchboard? Or getting your niece to? They would be a great, experienced sounding board for you both. Allsorts are also somewhere she can turn to for help and support, or Young stonewall - even Childline.
She’s going to need emotional support and maybe practical support too if her parents continue to try to control
Or ‘fix’ her or worse.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 13/09/2019 21:54

LGBT Switchboard that should be - either a local one or the national one

Treaclebee · 13/09/2019 21:55

When you or her get in touch with the school, it might be worth seeing if the school can set her up some counseling.

I was in a similar situation and I was allowed to go once a week during school hours to see a counselor that meant I had some sort of regular support even thought I had to still live with my abusive parents. That was 30 years ago. I would like to think there was more support for LGBT kids in this situation now.

Pinkyyy · 13/09/2019 21:56

She is quite clearly being abused. You don't seem to be doing much standing up for yourself either, your family member is extremely homophobic.

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