Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Gay child with terrible parents

65 replies

ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:07

Hi - I'm new to Mumsnet so please forgive me if I don't get this right!

I'm in need of some advice please - my cousin's daughter has come out to her as gay and said that she has a girlfriend. The daughter is 14. My cousin and her husband are not handling it well and have told their daughter that they'd'd prefer she was dead, to 'forget the gay' etc etc. There is a long list of appalling comments. She isn't allowed to see friends after school - ever - in case the she sees her girlfriend.

The child is contacting me and asking me for help as she is desperately unhappy. No doubt this is impacting on her schooling - never mind her long-term mental health. I really want to help but have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? Can the school do anything given that she isn't actually being abused?

The 14 year old is really clear that she will move out of home when she's 16 - does she just have to sit tight until she's 16? Help!

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 13/09/2019 21:59

My first thought was social services. It is abuse and it is a safeguarding issue IMO.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 13/09/2019 22:16

I really feel for her. My parents were amazing but I would say a good 2 thirds of my friends who are LGBT had similar experiences to your DN and many were thrown out of their homes or forced to leave or have difficult relationships with their families or no relationship at all. You should do all you can now to help protect this child.

HermioneWeasley · 13/09/2019 22:17

Are you willing to foster her?

If not, I’d be wary of involving social services - she’d be better off staying for 2 years than being in care IMO

tolerable · 13/09/2019 22:22

op- Such a minefield. Youre defo sounding like the girls only source of help at moment.I suspect "stonewall"might be a good source of info perhaps? good luck

Supersimkin · 13/09/2019 22:23

There's homophobia, which isn't ok, and the parents' concern for an underage teen in a sexual relationship, which may not be so hysterical.

How old is the GF?

I'm surprised the DD discussed her sexuality with her parents - ie came out - given how she knew they would react. Suggests the relationship is fairly established, which at 14 could be a red flag.

Letsnotusemyname · 13/09/2019 22:24

All my 3 children are gay (and adult now)

Some of their friends’ parents have been terrible to their own gay offspring. From don’t darken my door again to don’t be gay here to ignoring their child’s sexuality. The whole range.

We had one friend stay over Christmas because his parents were total shits. They were high ups in a well known Christianish sect.

It’s difficult to know how to intervene.

You could point here, quietly, in the direction of support groups as well as childline and similar.

We have helped one or two friends whose children have come out - but they came to us. Your cousin is unlikely to just yet.

With more reasonable folk a talk about LGBTQ suicide rates might trigger something - but not if they seriously wish her dead.

If they have seriously wished her dead then is she at physical risk? Do you need to talk to someone? Police, NSPCC etc?

Some take time to come to terms with news such as this. Perhaps you could offer to meet your cousin and quietly, chat.

I wish you all well in this.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 22:29

Does the religion have extreme punishments for such things? Also, a good point by pp- does she go to a religious school?

Also, which country are you in?

morrisseysquif · 13/09/2019 22:35

I would worry about potential honour killing. The death comments are extremely worrying.

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 22:35

I work in schools and would say it's absolutely appropriate to tell the school. I would probably contact SS or nspcc as well

Babyfg · 13/09/2019 22:35

I'm not condoning the behaviour (as it is very worrying) at all but could it be a knee jerk response from them? If they know you're openly gay maybe you could talk to them? maybe about your own experiences? Although I wouldn't blame you for being quite insulted by their behaviour too.
I think a lot of support groups would try and encourage family relationships and building them up if it's possible (which I totally understand is more than I would like to realise, not always the case).
My point is do you think the parents well calm down? Would they respond to education about the topic? As unfortunately, the lgbt path is very often not a smooth one and I suppose I'm hoping it's possibly that her parents will come round and she will be supported through the more difficult times. Or do you think this is definitely not a possibility?
My heart is breaking for this young girl. What a difficult time

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2019 22:46

Please encourage this poor girl to talk to someone at the school. Even if it's a superstition school, it will be under LA control and will have a safeguarding officer: this is a safeguarding issue. People whose homophobia stems from the idea that their imaginary friend hates gay people do sometimes permit or even encourage assaults against a gay child: beatings or corrective rape in the case of lesbians. Even if her parents are 'just' verbally abusive, they are still abusing her, and if they can't be made to behave, she needs a safe place to live and reduced contact with them.

Itsreallymehonest · 13/09/2019 22:49

Bless her. She is very brave under the circumstances. Can childline help? There is a little but of advice on their website.

Juliehooligan · 13/09/2019 22:50

It doesn’t matter if the school is religious or not all schools have a legal requirement to help safeguard children whether they are age or not. The safeguard lead would speak to you with regard to your niece, and offer help, they wouldn’t be able to discuss what help is given to her though as you are not a primary caregiver. Hope everything goes well. X

Juliehooligan · 13/09/2019 22:51

Should say gay sorry not age! X

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 22:53

Even if it's a superstition school, it will be under LA control

Any randomer can set up a free school nowadays with unqualified teachers. Unfortunately, if she's in a religious school, they may not take it seriously, depending on the set up of the school in question.

I work in a secular school and was once reported to the safeguarding lead by another member of staff who overheard me tell a class that it's OK to be gay... Some people have very entrenched views on this and are blinded to their own ignorance.

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 22:59

I work in a secular school and was once reported to the safeguarding lead by another member of staff who overheard me tell a class that it's OK to be gay

Who are these people?

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 23:11

Who are these people?

That one in particular was a conservative Muslim TA. Unfortunately, many religions have a tendency towards the homophobic.

dontcallmeduck · 13/09/2019 23:15

The school will have pastoral care that should be able to talk to her. School will happily speak to you but won’t share information with you about her. So they’ll take your information and pass it on to assess but won’t tell you anything back.

You could also speak to the school nursing service for your area where the exact same situation will happen in that they’ll gather your information but won’t breach confidentiality by sharing information with you. They could then ask to see the girl in school.

You could also refer to Children’s social care or the nspcc, I would probably go down the other routes first because for one thing this probably won’t meet any threshold for intervention off what youve provided here but may lead them to sharing your concerns with parents which could backfire.

My first approach would be the school.

Obviously if things become more concerning and her behaviour changes refer to children’s social Care

MildThing · 13/09/2019 23:17

Her sexuality is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act. She is experiencing hate speech. At 14 if she moved out and came to live with you (as long as you are a responsible person ) social workers and the courts would very sympathetic. At her age they will take strongly into account where she wants to live.

But of course you might not be ready to take in a teenager.

The most important thing is that she knows she has people on her side, and who will support her, and know that she is not wrong or bad.

You can fill that role as her loving second cousin (?)

Branleuse · 13/09/2019 23:21

Whilst I agree That shes probably really homophobic, but also I guess could be that she just doesnt want the child to have relationship and to concentrate on school?
Could you talk to her?

MildThing · 13/09/2019 23:23

Given the religious and cultural stance if the parents I am very surprised that she cane out to them.

MildThing · 13/09/2019 23:25

“but also I guess could be that she just doesnt want the child to have relationship and to concentrate on school?”

By telling her that she wishes she was dead???? The mother has already told the OP how appalled she is!

savingshoes · 13/09/2019 23:29

She's a child, their child - they know her more than anyone. If they choose to protect her from making decisions too hastily (having a relationship etc) by refusing to allow her to have friends visit out of school then that's their right and also their duty as parents.

That said, it is unlikely to make her change her mind about her sexuality, just gives the child time to focus on education etc.

Remind her that once she's an adult she will be able to finance and run her own life as she chooses so she just needs to channel her energy into something else until then.

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 23:40

If they choose to protect her from making decisions too hastily (having a relationship etc) by refusing to allow her to have friends visit out of school then that's their right

And are we just glossing over the "prefer she was dead" comment because it doesn't fit the tolerant but protective narrative.

It's not ok to wish ones child dead because they don't conform to our own view of normality. Hth

eladen · 14/09/2019 00:00

parents have different religious and cultural beliefs

It's still abuse!

What the hell happened to you growing up that you think parents telling their own child they wish them dead is ever not abuse?

I don't even know what to say to the pp who suggested this child would have known her parents would tell her they wished her dead. Any child who expects their own parents to say such horrid things to them has already been suffering abuse.