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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! Gay child with terrible parents

65 replies

ChirpyChris111 · 13/09/2019 21:07

Hi - I'm new to Mumsnet so please forgive me if I don't get this right!

I'm in need of some advice please - my cousin's daughter has come out to her as gay and said that she has a girlfriend. The daughter is 14. My cousin and her husband are not handling it well and have told their daughter that they'd'd prefer she was dead, to 'forget the gay' etc etc. There is a long list of appalling comments. She isn't allowed to see friends after school - ever - in case the she sees her girlfriend.

The child is contacting me and asking me for help as she is desperately unhappy. No doubt this is impacting on her schooling - never mind her long-term mental health. I really want to help but have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? Can the school do anything given that she isn't actually being abused?

The 14 year old is really clear that she will move out of home when she's 16 - does she just have to sit tight until she's 16? Help!

OP posts:

NeverSayFreelance · 14/09/2019 00:05

Oh god. This happened to my friend when we were teens. Placed under house arrest and forbidden from seeing us because we apparently were the bad influence that turned him gay.

Do what you can to get her out of this situation OP. It is abuse.

Northernlurker · 14/09/2019 00:08

I agree the child is being emotionally abused by her parents. I suppose an important consideration is also whether she is in fact also at risk of physical abuse, forced marriage or honour killing. Hard to believe people you know well could participate in such terrible things but also hard to believe any parent would say their child was better off dead......

Op talk to the school or report to social services re the emotional abuse. me sure the kid knows you love and respect her and will always be there for her.

SimonJT · 14/09/2019 06:15

You need to contact social services or the NSPCC.

You also need to contact the school so they can call first response.

If you choose to do nothing you are essentially complicit in abusing her.

I was that child, all children deserve to be safe, no child should have to spend years living in fear. No one bothered sticking up for me, there were people like you who simply watched it happen. Being a child and knowing no one loves enough to keep you safe is really really awful and really screws you up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2019 07:04

Thank goodness children are increasingly enabled to speak up for themselves and believe they have the right to not be abused. Please help your niece and contact the school and social services.

Original poster

ChirpyChris111 · 14/09/2019 07:20

that is all so helpful - thank you.
When I came out Section 28 was in full force and so there was no help from school - quite the opposite - and not having children means that I have no idea what sort of support is available now.

She could absolutely come and stay/live with me but I suspect it would be a battle with her parents to allow it.

thanks again

OP posts:

Original poster

ChirpyChris111 · 14/09/2019 08:06

I should add - the reason I asked the question - my cousin is a deputy head in a junior school. She isn't religious.

Her reaction seemed so extreme and so extraordinary that I thought I must have it completely wrong - and that nothing had changed since I was a child. I just had to keep my head down until I could leave home and I think it probably had life long implications for me.

These responses have been incredibly helpful and we are now going to formally intervene/speak to the school and deal with it.

OP posts:

Whatsername7 · 14/09/2019 08:08

Firstly - can you be sure that what the child has said is accurate or even true? How well do you know the child and the family? How often do you see them? You have already said that you never thought your cousin had any issues with you or your partner., this has come as a shock for you, so take a pause and figure out why. Your first port of call ought to be the parents. If you do not want to approach them, then perhaps your aunt or even your own mum? Find out a little more about what is going on before you go down the route of involving the school (who will listen to you, but will not tell you anything due to you not being a parent) or social services. You can stil support the child and be a friendly ear - just apply caution and try not to react emotionally (which is tough, given the homophobia you faced in your teens) Im a head of year in a school and this sort of thing is rarely straightforward. What if the girlfriend is much older and this is the basis for the parents condemnation? What if there are other factors involved like the child bunking off school or going out drinking and some of the arguments hace revolved around that but? If it the parents are being vile to their child because they are gay then clearly they are absolute bastards who do not deserve that child, but check first. You sound lovely, I really hope your niece is okay; I only advise caution because I have a lot of experience working with young people and things are rarely simple.

Original poster

ChirpyChris111 · 14/09/2019 08:42

@Whatsername7 - that's good advice - thank you - I'll do more digging before wading in.

OP posts:

MildThing · 14/09/2019 14:42

my cousin also told me that her daughter had come out to her and how appalled they were

There may be other factors going on, but this tells us that the parents are unashamedly homophobic.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/09/2019 16:52

Appalled they may have been but how they approached the whole thing is another kettle of fish.

My sister was a bit of a drama queen and when she came out (she was never really in to be honest) my parents were ‘ok fine. Is xx (girlfriend) coming for dinner on Saturday?’ My parents were born ore WW2 so a whole different generation. They were completely supportive and cool (she was always the golden child anyway) and god help anyone who even cocked an eyebrow. I’m sure they weren’t doing a happy dance but they never let it be known that they weren’t 100% supportive. They only worried that she would end up living alone (which she has in fact done but is extremely happy with that arrangement). However dear sis did have her teenage dramas and half-assed self harming attempts (as was the trend in her year with a group of the girls) and, I assume, have painted a poor picture of homelife to a sympathetic ear given the chance.

Teenagers are wraped in their own world. Always best to listen to all sides and observe for yourself. A colleague had a call from her daughters school - asking about her daughters accounts of being forced to live in the attic of the family home with no furniture, carpets, electricity or heating. Complete fantasy but very convincing.

Mummyshark2019 · 14/09/2019 18:03

That is abuse OP

tolerable · 16/09/2019 03:40

@LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD so.has "bitter"replaced all of your emotions aye?

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 16/09/2019 05:20

That absolutely sickening - her parents are a disgrace. If I were you I’d contact the school and tell them what’s going on and I’d also let my cousin know she can come and stay with me indefinitely. Her parents obviously are NOT doing what’s in her best interest - it sounds like they’re doing their best to make her thoroughly depressed, self-loathing, and drive her to suicide. If her parents don’t like her staying let them contact the police and I’d also inform the police of their disgusting abuse. Anything to make sure my cousin knew that she was loved, supported, totally in the right, and that her parents are disgraceful. I’d also be making a complaint to the school about hiring someone like her clearly homophobic mother who shouldn’t be working with young people at all in my opinion.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 16/09/2019 07:26

Not bitter but I advise caution in seeing what is happening and how the parents are approaching the whole thing. Not jumping in with both boots on one the basis of side.

Sorry if I’ve missed posts that explains the situation fully but this is a time in a young persons life that needs a delicate and understanding balanced approach. Getting involved is a hard thing to negotiate.

UltimateSalt · 16/09/2019 21:47

Do you think her parents would actually hurt her?

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