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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry about this???

101 replies

Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:02

So we just got back from a holiday which was shit. I’m really angry at dh and think he is so selfish. We have 2 girls (1 and 3) and I’m pregnant in the third trimester feeling like shit. I’m exhausted from working full time, and dh is never around, always busy w work. So during our holidays he was out playing golf or tennis for 6 hours per day and whenever I saw him I was angry for being left alone for so long ( no kids club or nanny). So I exploded w him a few times, demanding family time, me time, help whatever. He thinks I’m an angry person that doesn’t know how to have fun. I’m so tired and he always ends up convincing me that I’m wrong. He thinks I ruined our holiday because I got so angry, and that he will never travel w me again.
I’m angry and tired and glad to back home w the girls.
Just not sure how my relationship is going to recover as re refuses to talk to me if I don’t apologise.
Maybe I’m going mad,

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 13/09/2019 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fernandoanddenise · 13/09/2019 17:00

Urgh your DH sounds like an absolute prick. He should actually be ensuring YOU get a rest so taking the children off himself on holiday, shared care at the very least.
It’s not sounding like much of a partnership.
If you leave I guarantee that he’ll be a nasty sod about custody right up until he realises he actually has to look after the kids and like parent and stuff. Then he will fuck off, blame you for ‘taking his kids’ and hopefully never be seen again. Hold your nerve.
Sorry you are facing this pregnant. You must be so tired. Flowers

womaninthedark · 13/09/2019 17:14

Record what kind of father your husband is now, as evidence for when he says he wants shared custody.

To be honest, he won't want it, unless it's to hurt you. He likes having you there to do all the childcare.

Mythologies · 13/09/2019 17:17

@Faa27, please please read this and this

NonnoMum · 13/09/2019 17:20

Let's forget the golf, the crap holiday and concentrate on one thing that I would consider a deal breaker:

He is encouraging your kids to insult you...

(They will grow up and see how boring you are...)

Not, mummy is tired growing a new baby, or mummy is exhausted looking after two pre-schoolers but he is insulting you.

Please get good legal advice as soon as you can...

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 13/09/2019 17:29

Your husband doesn’t want a large family, he wants a tribe to lead who will bow down and pay him homage. He wants to be the Grand Poobah of his own little universe, with you as his drudge. OP, this nonsense has to stop now.

You have two choices, but either way you have to put your big girl pants on. Under no circumstances apologise. Either read him the riot act and give him an ultimatum, along with some of the ”educational” strategies outlined above, or cut to the chase and make plans to leave. Before you do either however it is important that you get your ducks in a row - don’t put him on notice to start moving the money around. Good luck, but you need to act, this is not going to get any better.

Just out of interest, what was his father like?

RainbowAlicorn · 13/09/2019 17:31

This might be pretty, but I would get one of those fake bump things and make him wear it all day, see how he feels. Might make him at least engage his brain enough for you to try and save the marriage.

Thornhill58 · 13/09/2019 17:38

Nothing you can do about being pregnant so no point of saying anything about it.
Tomorrow morning get dress and go out for at least 6 hours. Don't worry about the kids they'll survive.
He need to learn to look after an expanding family. How can you have fun? Let him have fun with his girls. If you can afford it go to a spa or somewhere you can rest.
Selfish prick.

poopofprettycolours · 13/09/2019 17:57

You're not BU. He's being a selfish wanker.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 13/09/2019 18:51

Your husband is an utter cock.

You have daughters. Don't let them grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work.

eladen · 13/09/2019 19:22

I don't think a spa day is going to stop this man continuing to abuse the op.

PicsInRed · 13/09/2019 19:45

OP, this wasn't a self catering holiday, was it?

Thornhill58 · 13/09/2019 19:45

Not every problem is solved by divorce.

Lagatha · 13/09/2019 20:05

No Thornhill but this particular one would be

Leflic · 13/09/2019 21:30

I’m the first to see the alternative point of view. Voted Leave.But nah, he’s being a utter knob. You have every right to being “boring miserable and angry” and on holiday it his job to change this. That’s the point of a family holiday.
If you aren’t feeling loved,relaxed and renewed he’s letting you down.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/09/2019 21:44

Wow. I'm so sorry OP.

Leaving you heavily pregnant to look after a baby and pre schooled for 6 hours every day, then asking you to apologise for getting angry about it? That's like smacking you in the face and then asking you to apologise for crying! He is not taking any responsibility at all.

And it's really really horrible to call you boring. You're heavily pregnant and exhausted looking after young children, does he think you should be squeezing in a round of golf while they're napping and going clubbing every night? What person in your position wouldn't want to lounge around the pool?

I'd be surprised if he actually wanted custody, he didnt even want to spend any time with them on holiday and I imagine he isn't with them much at weekends either?

Good luck with counselling.

vanillaicedtea · 13/09/2019 21:44

Your DP just likes the idea of a big family, more so how other people see him from the outside. He also knows you'll carry the children and do 90% of the child rearing, and he gets the 'kudos' for having 3 kids and a wife, without ever actually having to do much.

If other posters are correct and you've posted before, I don't think there's much point giving advice. You know yourself what he's like. You know he's selfish, manipulative and mean. Us telling you he is those things doesn't make a difference. You've already tried to make it work. And having another kid doesn't fix things (I don't mean that in a nasty way, just simply having a family to appease him hasn't made him love you any more, or treat you any better).

OP, put it this way, you have two options:

Option 1: Stay with him, have the baby, and probably have another in a year or two. Do all of the childcare on your own. Have him insult you regularly and make you feel worthless. Bring two girls (plus other DC) up in a household where they see, daily, a man shitting all over his wife. Your kids will resent you for not leaving, and you will be a shell of yourself.

Option 2: Get home, gather proof of incomes, passports, all that stuff. Set up a new, private bank account and stow away money. Start a diary so you can prove he doesn't do much/if any childcare. Seek the advice of a solicitor. Leave. Because you'll have gathered proof of income and what he does, he shouldn't get very much custody and you'll get a decent settlement. Start afresh. You won't be doing anymore child care than you already are. It honestly will be easier than staying. You'll also get more benefits as a single mother and financial freedom if you don't work currently. Eventually you could meet a caring, kind man who makes you happy.

Only you can decide.

dowehaveastalker · 13/09/2019 21:47

hes sounds so selfish - why are you having a third child with him??

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 22:10

I can only endorse the good advice you've already had.

But are you listening? Because the ball is in your court. You're the only one who can change this miserable situation.

Why on earth are you having another baby with this horrible selfish man? You already knew he was like that. After a certain point we are responsible for our decision to stay in crap relationships.

Thornhill58 · 13/09/2019 22:15

Lagatha not when you are heavily pregnant with a 3rd child. I agree he is an absolute moron and surely this isn't the first time his behaviour is so bad but unless you can support yourself and 3 babies will be so hard to divorce.
We women normally do just about everything home, kids, work and we can't be miserable and moody because we don't get any support.

SimpleAndPlanned · 13/09/2019 22:25

Wtaf. No you aren't mental, he's an arsehole

clucky3 · 13/09/2019 22:29

Tomorrow morning get dress and go out for at least 6 hours. Don't worry about the kids they'll survive.

Do this. He's a selfish prick

Turniptracker · 13/09/2019 22:35

Why do people feel the need to have so many children with people who treat them like crap?!

ThatCurlyGirl · 13/09/2019 22:35

He tells me the Girls will soon realise how boring and miserable I am. But I swear to god, I’m not.

Mate, he's a bell end. And a bully. And incredibly selfish.

Tell him you're planning to do something solo for 6 hours sometime this weekend.

He'll soon say it's not fair and then you're able to show him how ridiculous his double standards are.

I hate to say it but a man who speaks this way to you is probably the type to coach your girls to think badly of you, or be a Disney dad and do the fun stuff but none of the graft.

He's a dick.

MidniteScribbler · 13/09/2019 22:37

What the hell do you see in this moron? Why, why, why, do women stay and reproduce with arseholes like this?