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Original poster

To be angry about this???

101 replies

Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:02

So we just got back from a holiday which was shit. I’m really angry at dh and think he is so selfish. We have 2 girls (1 and 3) and I’m pregnant in the third trimester feeling like shit. I’m exhausted from working full time, and dh is never around, always busy w work. So during our holidays he was out playing golf or tennis for 6 hours per day and whenever I saw him I was angry for being left alone for so long ( no kids club or nanny). So I exploded w him a few times, demanding family time, me time, help whatever. He thinks I’m an angry person that doesn’t know how to have fun. I’m so tired and he always ends up convincing me that I’m wrong. He thinks I ruined our holiday because I got so angry, and that he will never travel w me again.
I’m angry and tired and glad to back home w the girls.
Just not sure how my relationship is going to recover as re refuses to talk to me if I don’t apologise.
Maybe I’m going mad,

OP posts:
81Byerley · 13/09/2019 15:25

If you were my daughter, I'd be advising you to seriously think about whether you really want to be with him.

Original poster
Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:29

Thank you everyone for your supportive replies! Makes me feel better and more sure of myself

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2019 15:32

OP, you don't even like each other, let alone love each other.

Even if it was OK for him to spend six hours a day on a family holiday doing things on his own while you look after the children - which it clearly isn't - it is so bloody obvious that there is no future here. He will continue to bully you and say horrible things and you will continue to be angry about his behaviour. You aren't remotely happy and, quite clearly, neither is he.

If, as others have said, you were considering leaving him a few months ago, just do it now. It doesn't matter that you're pregnant. Just go. It's not going to get better when the baby arrives. Please don't allow a third child to be brought up in this atmosphere of constant anger and resentment.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/09/2019 15:38

He convinced me to get pregnant as he always wanted a big family
If I had a live in nanny, I'd have a big family.

He tells me the Girls will soon realise how boring and miserable I am.
Oh, I'm wrong. Even treating you like an employee, he'd be nicer than that.

He sounds like a cunt. No-one would blame you for leaving. Personally I think when you have three kids and a long relationship it's (unless you've been a total mug) worth some effort to try to fix first:

  1. Fuck off and leave him with the kids all day. Keep doing it once a week. He needs to learn to spend time with them, look after them and it needs to get to the point where he's doing half the child care when he's there.
  1. Get into counselling asap. (It's not a magic wand, might help).
  1. Sit down and figure out exactly why it's going wrong. What does he not do, that you want? Then ask for it and keep insisting. Don't get mad- negotiate when you are ready for him and disengage when the conversation goes wrong.
  1. Listen to what he wants. If nothing else probing questions can be a great way to show him his misogyny but you do need to listen to his genuine needs.
  1. While all this is going on, buy some ducks and get them in a row (i.e. bank account details, documents and a plan for how you will leave if needed). Don't feel you have to stay just because he makes a token effort.
Original poster
Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:38

What if he gets shared custody of the kids? It would kill me

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2019 15:40

Why would he? Is he their Primary Carer?

Original poster
Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:40

No he is not, but he loves them to bits and he would fight in a nasty way to get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:42

I guess I’d have to spk to a solicitor to be sure. I can’t share custody of my girls.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2019 15:42

"What if he gets shared custody of the kids? It would kill me"

Would he want it?

Would he be capable of looking after the kids well if he did?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2019 15:43

*No he is not, but he loves them to bits and he would fight in a nasty way to get it Really? WOuldn't they get in the way of his work, his golf, his tennis, his whatver?

Hgas he ever had them for any extended period of time, alone, to do everything for?

Surely he'd rather just continue to pay you to be, what was, it, boring... and his unappreciated childminder. He'd be a great Disney Dad...

littlepaddypaws · 13/09/2019 15:43

why would he want 50/50 he can't even be a parent on holiday when there is no actual paid work involved ? in daily rl he's unlikely to change, a disney dad may be but he sounds a waste of space.

Derbee · 13/09/2019 15:43

I think it’s extreme to leave him and end your marriage. These suggestions are completely over the top, as per usual.

Leave him with the children for 4 hours, pop home, and then go out again in the evening. Make plans with friends to do something, so he can see how tough it is looking after the kids alone. If you’re not up to doing things, book into a hotel and go and read a book chill out.

Repeat until he sees and accepts how hard you had to work on your holiday whilst he was playing tennis.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2019 15:44

Sorry... too busy laughing to type what I want to say to that

DishingOutDone · 13/09/2019 15:44

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships OP you can get more advice about separating on there.

MyCatsHat · 13/09/2019 15:45

He may threaten he'll get custody or 50-50, men like this often do, but it's unlikely. Plus he can't even be arsed to look after them can he?

Of course you're an angry person right now, who wouldn't be? Don't let him make you feel bad for being angry. How the hell does he think you can have fun just like he does - by leaving a 1 and 3yo on their own? Idiot.

Myriade · 13/09/2019 15:45

Do you think he would even WANT to be their sole carer? I mean he clearly did his best to avoid spending any time with them whilst on hols. So why do you think he will suddenly want that?

fwiw even if he DID try and say he wants to have them loads, I suspect he would quickly backtrack as this would stop him from having his own 'fun time' for himself.

HollowTalk · 13/09/2019 15:46

He wouldn't want 50:50, would he? I really hate the fact that some really neglectful parents can say they want to share the care, when they don't share the care when they are married.

Derbee · 13/09/2019 15:46

What’s funny about trying to save a marriage before bailing? Confused

HollowTalk · 13/09/2019 15:46

I reckon he'd say he wanted shared care and then when it comes to it (if you split up) he'd arrive late for a two hour visit. It's all hot air.

MyCatsHat · 13/09/2019 15:47

Loves them to bits my arse. Why didn't he want to spend his holiday with them then? I suspect what that means is he can be a bundle of laughs with them when he sees them, because it's hardly ever and you do all the drudgery and are permanently knackered. That's not actual parental love.

Myriade · 13/09/2019 15:47

@Derbee that would work to try and mke him realise how hard this is (fwiw it took more than 4hours for my H to realise. More like 3 or 4 full weekends on his own...)

But what about the fact he is demanding that the OP apologises?? Is she supposed to brush that under the carpet?

owlonabike · 13/09/2019 15:50

He doesn’t love them to bits. If he did, he’d look after them, enjoy their company, make them happy. He just loves the idea of being head of a big family, and you are a means to an end. Really sorry OP, but you need to think long term about the effect his attitude will have on you and your children.

Pollypenguin01 · 13/09/2019 15:52

Well, even if he did get shared custody as soon as he realised how much work it actually is to parent even one child let alone three I’m pretty sure he would be coming up with plenty of reasons he couldn’t have the DC for x day or x amount of time etc. I imagine you wouldn’t see him for dust although it might take a few months of slowly decreasing contact before he disappeared.

Derbee · 13/09/2019 15:52

That’s why I said repeat until he realises and accepts how hard she works.

I don’t think anything should be brushed under the carpet. She absolutely shouldn’t apologise. But maybe he will apologise when he sees how much she does?

I don’t think he’s treating her well at all. But their relationship might be shit because he does nothing, and OP is grumpy and resentful about it (quite rightly I may add)

But I would always try and save a marriage before deciding to leave with 2 kids, and a baby on the way.

Original poster
Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:53

Tbh I think I’ll end up trying to save the relationship first, counselling etc. But atm I’m just upset.
Anyway, thanks everyone for replying

OP posts:
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