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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry about this???

101 replies

Faa27 · 13/09/2019 15:02

So we just got back from a holiday which was shit. I’m really angry at dh and think he is so selfish. We have 2 girls (1 and 3) and I’m pregnant in the third trimester feeling like shit. I’m exhausted from working full time, and dh is never around, always busy w work. So during our holidays he was out playing golf or tennis for 6 hours per day and whenever I saw him I was angry for being left alone for so long ( no kids club or nanny). So I exploded w him a few times, demanding family time, me time, help whatever. He thinks I’m an angry person that doesn’t know how to have fun. I’m so tired and he always ends up convincing me that I’m wrong. He thinks I ruined our holiday because I got so angry, and that he will never travel w me again.
I’m angry and tired and glad to back home w the girls.
Just not sure how my relationship is going to recover as re refuses to talk to me if I don’t apologise.
Maybe I’m going mad,

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 13/09/2019 15:58

You can only really save it if he agrees to try too. Counselling etc.

Even if you did separate and he did go for shared custody he'd have a big shock when he realised how much childcare he'd have to do and how much golf he'd miss. Might change his tune..

erniepigy · 13/09/2019 15:59

I too, cannot fathom why you would go for another child with this character.
Seems to be all about his wants and needs so I suggest to put a firm stop to any more children, get these ones raised and educate them on how women should be treated and once they are old enough, get yourself a life.
You have allowed this behaviour and with no consequences for him so you have to accept your part in this.

StockTakeFucks · 13/09/2019 16:01

Do you seriously believe that someone that can't be arsed to spend time with his kids when he's on holiday will go out of his way to do it when there's actual work involved?

He doesn't live them. If he did,he wouldn't fuck off for 6 hours,he wouldn't leave all their care to you and most importantly he wouldn't treat their mother like he does,or speak to you that way.

He just likes the idea of having kids,something to parade as accessories,while not doing any of the work. He has you for that.

Fairenuff · 13/09/2019 16:01

You can't blame him for your choices. If you want something to change, change something in yourself. Stop doing what you are doing because it is clearly making you unhappy.

Carthage · 13/09/2019 16:02

Don't have couples counselling before you've had individual counselling. You need to work out what your needs, wants and expectations are. He's worn you down to the extent that you doubt whether you are entitled to anything in this marriage.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 16:04

He convinced me to get pregnant as he always wanted a big family

But he doesn't want to spend any time with you!? What a knob.

I really feel for you; you must have been looking forward to the holiday so much. I'm assuming he doesn't help with the childcare at home either?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2019 16:05

What’s funny about trying to save a marriage before bailing?

OP has posted previously.... she has made something of an effort, he has not.

He is not trying, he is blaming her, still.

OP has every right to call time, if she wants to! She doesn't have to invent, enforce any education scheme for him. She can expect him to act like a reaonable human being without having to be told how... that's called Being An Adult!

Sparklypen · 13/09/2019 16:06

DH tends to go into holiday mode - which was v annoying when DCs were little - but nothing to this extent.

Am surprised you are on DC no.3 with him!

pallisers · 13/09/2019 16:07

Tell him you think he is right - you are far too boring.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Get up, get in the car and go out and have fun for 3.5 hours - it can be the fun of sleeping in your car or resting at a friend's house but have fun! Let him stay home. You don't want to be boring and miserable do you?

Pop back for lunch and then go out again for another 3 hours for similar fun. Again - important not to be boring and miserable.

Do the same on Sunday. Tell him you love this new approach to life and will be doing the same next weekend - and do it.

See how he likes them apples.

He is horrible btw. I hope your relationship is worth saving. I expect my dh to treat me like he likes and loves me. That is not leaving me me for most of the day, heavily pregnant, minding 2 preschoolers and then castigating me and expecting an apology when I complain. fucks sake - how bad is that.

Justaboy · 13/09/2019 16:08

Have you two sat down and had a real conversation with each other under a counselling session or just yourselves?

Why does he work all the time is the money that tight?.

Do you really say all this before you were expecting again?

I expect a pattern has built up of no real commnuication between you he sees you the one way you the other both in dertimental fashions:(

A bit of thids spending time with the children went on when I was married all seemed well when they were younger but as they grew older we diveriged a bit..

But i was around for them as i was home a lot but it dident seem that bad a situation like the one you have Faa27.

What doy ou really want to do?, save it as best you can or call it a day seemingely swapping one set of problems for another??

57lady · 13/09/2019 16:09

Who decides where you go for the family holiday, let me guess..... If there's a next time for holiday, tell DH that it's your turn to choose and then CHOOSE WELL! if he doesn't wNt to go, well that's his choice. No sensible couple ever broke up over separate holidays, he can go going til his bits drop off honey, just not with you and the children EH?! I'm thinking that you maybe have a sister/mum/MIL who may enjoy a holiday week with their gfandkids/nieces etc without old golfballs in tow? If not, centrparcs will happily accommodate you swimmingly and safely for a tester long weekend just to give you a break(babysitting etc etc) suggest this if he stops sulking enough to listen to the womN he says he loves and has borne him 3 adorable offspring? Remind him why you're all living in the same house, sounds like he's forgotten

littlepaddypaws · 13/09/2019 16:11

another thing to consider is that having 3 dc isn't a big family, what happens if he wants more in the future ??

simplekindoflife · 13/09/2019 16:12

He sounds absolutely vile. Angry

How dare he just swan off and do what he wants and leave you with both kids when you should be taking it easy.

At the very least I'd expect him to physically be with you, enjoying family time, but really he should be taking the girls off somewhere so you can have a rest!

What did he expect you to do exactly?! Why does he get to do what he wants?

Fairenuff · 13/09/2019 16:12

What’s funny about trying to save a marriage before bailing?

This is not a marriage. He bailed a long time ago.

Lagatha · 13/09/2019 16:13

Is this the same wanker who called you a fat lazy waste of space in November last year?
He doesn't even respect you.
Why would you try to save a relationship with him when he is out of the house till late being a workaholic and can't even be nice to you when he is home?
Seriously, get ducks in a row and fuck him off.

LakieLady · 13/09/2019 16:13

Well, as he left you to be sole carer for X days while you were away, imo he owes X/2 days where he will be sole carer.

I'd be telling him that this weekend, you will be out from 10-4 or whatever and that he can look after the kids. After a couple of days of this, maybe he'll realise that looking after 2 young children single handed for 6 or 7 hours is no bloody holiday.

The holiday sounds hellish, he was acting like a single man, not a father.

But I'd also be prepared to LTB/start divorce proceedings/whatever.

God knows why he wanted a big family when he never spends any time with them. He's a total tosser.

LovesNettles · 13/09/2019 16:16

I'd fuck off to the spa tomorrow for six hours. Sounds like you could use it, and it might give the twat you're married to a bit of perspective.

Chickydoo · 13/09/2019 16:17

Book a week away on your own doing something you enjoy.
Tell him he had his holiday & now it's your turn

Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 16:20

Don't assume he would get 50:50. I completely 100% get where you a coming from but speak to a solicitor at least and talk through your options.

I think I would emotionally give up on a man likethis even if I couldn't physically leave.

Totaldogsbody · 13/09/2019 16:23

OP if you're dh wants a big family he's got to be proactive with the family he's already got. That means no swanning off and leaving you with them when you're on a family holiday. FFS does he not realise that you're pregnant and likely exhausted through that never mind looking after the other dc. If you decide you want to be with this man I think you need to have a good long talk about priorities. Good LuckFlowers

PeriComoToes · 13/09/2019 16:27

Pfft. A man like that would never want 50/50 custody no matter how loud he shouted about it.

If I were you I'd leave him to it for the weekend.

Poor you, he sounds unkind and inconsiderate.

kateandme · 13/09/2019 16:27

but havnent you been round this before op.you say youll try to save it first.but you posted this same shit months back.
and you dont want hom to have the kids.but what do you think this kind of life is going to make them into,make them feel

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/09/2019 16:33

Sadly, he seems to treat children as nothing more than his golf and tennis trophies.

They sit on a shelf all the time, ready to be photographed or proudly shown to friends, who will be very impressed at how amazingly great a man he is.

Occasionally, it might be nice to take them down and dust and polish them, but only when he really feels like it - and he never has to actually do it at all if he continually finds that he just can't ever quite be bothered.

In fact, even if he could be bothered to do it more than on the odd occasion, he would need to talk himself out of it, because that would be a very boring and miserable thing to find himself doing. Life is for living and for having fun and you can't let obsessing over your trophies keep you from that.

If you DID, your friends would make fun of you when you kept wanting to stay in to polish your trophies instead of going out with them. In fact, you'd probably annoy them so much, constantly turning down their invitations, that you'd have to keep apologising to them for being a bad friend and for choosing the wrong priorities.

All of the above is a perfectly reasonable way to look after your trophies, as they're only possessions.

Something has to change drastically and soon - this can't go on like it is without it destroying your mental health and self-respect. Not just yours, either - that of three children, two of whom are still tiny and one of whom hasn't even been born into this sorry mess yet.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2019 16:37

This man is abusive and the OP is a 'boiled frog.' (That's not an insult, OP, it refers to the idea that, if you put a frog in cold water then heat the water up, the frog won't notice until it is dying from the heat.) It's very common for abusive men to insist they want a big family while doing absolutely fuck all to look after the DC they already have - what they want is a) proof of their Mighty Penis and its Mightiness - look how many babies it's made and b) to have the wife too busy with pregnancy and childcare to remember that she's a human being.

LannieDuck · 13/09/2019 16:41

How would he react if you announced you were planning a day out tomorrow by yourself?

I imagine he would say you're selfish. Would he have enough self-awareness to be able to see the parallel with his actions on holiday?