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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

son ashamed of me

68 replies

typewrriter12 · 13/09/2019 11:54

Hi All,
My 13 year old son has asked me not to attend anymore parents evenings as he is embarrassed that i am in a wheelchair. He feels that girls will not like him if they see me.
My husband is my carer so would not be able to attend on his own. How should i feel ? At the moment i am angry and upset

OP posts:
Oldraver · 13/09/2019 11:56

You feel how you feel. I would say angry and upset is quite mild.

The only person who should feel ashamed is you of your sons attitude

RiftGibbon · 13/09/2019 11:57

He needs to get over it, and quick.
If girls don't like him because his mum is in a wheelchair, then they're not worth knowing or being liked by anyway.

On a slight aside, presumably his school teaches about not discriminating against people, and has suitable access for anyone with impaired mobility?

fairislecable · 13/09/2019 11:58

You are the parent - he doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

If he doesn’t like being seen with someone in a wheelchair then he has some growing up to do.

My DS would skulk along behind me at that age as he didn’t want to be seen with his Mum. Ignore him he’s a teen and that’s what they do.

Ski4130 · 13/09/2019 11:59

I can understand your hurt, and why you're upset.

I'm not sure if it helps, but my 14 and 12 year olds also tell me I'm embarassing - for playing my music too loud when I drop them at school, for shouting 'bye' out the window, for so many idiotic reasons - and I was talking to a friend at the weekend whose 14 year old had lambasted her for 'dressing like a hippy'. What I'm trying to say is that anything can be embarassing in the mind of a teenager, and sometimes it makes zero sense. In your case I can see why you're upset though, unlike my loud music, or my friend's hippy dress sense, this isn't something you choose, and it's quite hurtful for you. Are you able to convey to him how much it hurts you that he's embarassed by somehting you have no control over?

Lvsel · 13/09/2019 12:00

I would be upset too. Why does he think anyone cares? He needs to get over this

Starlight456 · 13/09/2019 12:01

Tell him that actually his shit attitude makes him unattractive .

I think 13 year olds think there parents are embarrassing however this does not excuse his attitude .

I would inform him you are his parent and as a result will be attending parents evening as it is about his education not his girlfriend.

ImNotYourGranny · 13/09/2019 12:02

I sometimes have to use a wheelchair when my rollator isn't enough. If my DS said this to me I'd be absolutely livid. What a horrible thing to say, and to his mum.

couchparsnip · 13/09/2019 12:02

He sounds very insecure and needs to get over himself. He can't tell you what to do and being ashamed of someone in a wheelchair is awful
I would be having a word with his school about that, most secondary schools have pastoral care and this would be something they can advise on.

Blondebakingmumma · 13/09/2019 12:02

When I was little I didn’t want my mum with me either as it would embarrass me. I think it’s just a phase, a hurtful one 😔

GinNotGym19 · 13/09/2019 12:04

I’d tell him how he’s made you feel and that you’re embarrassed of him having these opinions about his own mum!
I don’t think girls or anyone would think differently of him because his mum is in a wheelchair.
I’d still go to parents evening, it’s not his place to tell you otherwise

Willow2017 · 13/09/2019 12:05

Ask him who the hell has brought him up for 13ys and kept a roof over his head and fed and clothed him?

Tell him if he told any decent girl he is embarrassed that you use a wc they would run a mile from his utter stupidity and selfishness.

Time he got a few facts of life and how to be a decent person drummed into him. I would be removing all privileges (he must also be embarased by the things you provide from that wc surely?😉) until he realises how nasty what he said was.
I would also get your dh to tear a strip off him too.

13yr olds often don't think before they speak but he needs to know just how awful that was.

Herocomplex · 13/09/2019 12:05

Is he worried about being bullied?

Embracelife · 13/09/2019 12:09

You need to take it seriously alison lapper mentioned how hard it was for her son.
but maybe get some family therapy session so he can let it all out and you can clne up with strategies together.
He needs to build resilience
You all need to work.together on this

Millie2016 · 13/09/2019 12:10

I’m so sorry OP. That must have been like a dagger to the heart.
Only you can decide whether you are comfortable with missing the parents evenings. I guess at least he is being honest with you rather then making up lies. That’s the only positive I can pull from his words.
If it were me, I’d pull rank and say I am going to the parents evenings.
If you want to appear to be trying to accommodate his feelings, you could say as a compromise you’ll take the last slot of the evening? I don’t think you should have to do that, but it might make him feel like you’ve considered his feelings?
Sorry again, it’s pretty shitty.

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/09/2019 12:11

I've used a wheelchair in the past, DD had to push me and whilst it may have bothered her, she still did it and she's never been short of a boyfriend.
Decent girls/guys really won't care a jot, in fact they'll probably admire your son for being kind and caring towards you.

BogglesGoggles · 13/09/2019 12:11

He has some underlying issues here. Have you arranged any therapy for him?

Embracelife · 13/09/2019 12:12

Punishing is not the way to go

No teen in history had been grateful for what parents do for them...were you? Did you truly appreciate as a teen?

Address the anxiety and insecurities

Are there other disabled parents to meet?

Confusedbeetle · 13/09/2019 12:13

13 is avery sensitive age and every moment is embarassing. No matter how upset you are you need to work through this with him. It may not be the only issue

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/09/2019 12:15

I think all 13 year olds are embarrassed of their parents. But that doesnt give them to right to be disablist or nasty towards other people.

I'm sorry he said that. I would have a chat and see if you can explain how much he has hurt you. Also ask him would he really like to have any sort of relationship with a girl who was disablist? What would be his long term plan, never invite her home, pretend you arent disabled? How would he feel if your husband agreed with him, and had left because he found your disability embarrassing? What would happen to you if everyone in society felt like this?

I would talk it through with him and get him to think about these sorts of questions, rather than disciplining him. Yes it was nasty but the reality is, other children at school, including girls he likes, will probably give him a second look and possibly comment if they see you together and they weren't previously aware of your wheelchair. Work together to give him the tools to deal with any comments with confidence

dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2019 12:16

I’m surprised the answers here are more “Your son is awful” than “Is your son being bullied?”

If your son is embarrassed, I suspect it’s because he’s having a hard time from other pupils. Of course he shouldn’t be ashamed but there’s clearly more going on here than him just suddenly decided he’s ashamed for no reason.

I completely understand why you’re angry and upset, but I think you need to dig deeper into what’s going on at school.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 13/09/2019 12:16

Is he already being bullied?

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/09/2019 12:17

Do you have Young Carers near you he could join?
They were brilliant with Dd, and organised loads of stuff, she had a few weeks away with them, trips out, homework clubs, counsellors, all sorts, and none of it cost a penny.

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2019 12:18

“If he doesn’t like being seen with someone in a wheelchair then he has some growing up to do.”

He’s 13- of course he does.

Can you talk to him and find out what’s going on in his life, OP, or are you too upset and angry? (Undsrstandably) Can his dad talk to him?

Chouetted · 13/09/2019 12:19

I really think this is normal. Very few teenagers want to be seen with their parents. It's extra hurtful for you because he's blamed it on the wheelchair, but I think you should probably put it in perspective as a common teenage phase.

FWIW, my mother used a walking stick and I was mortified. She was constantly mistaken for my grandmother, and I was bullied over it at school. Children are horrible about difference. Is it possible this has happened to him?

I don't think punishing him is the way forward - that won't teach him why what he said was wrong. You need to talk to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/09/2019 12:21

I agree with @Embracelife
Oh I’m sorry he feels that way. Bless him. He’s struggling. I know it must be really hard for you to hear. He’s a kid wanting to fit in. I’m disabled and don’t use a wheelchair. I am wondering if I will need to get one for parents evening now dd is in secondary - I usually just stay at home.

I remember being embarrassed of my father for being different. What I really needed was to be totally 100% loved and accepted myself by my family. Had I been shown unconditional love and totally accepted, I think my anxiety would have been a lot lower. I never voiced how I felt as I would have been shouted down and denigrated. At least your ds feels able to voice his.

Look beyond your hurt and address the actual issues as to why he has so little confidence and feels insecure.