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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

son ashamed of me

68 replies

typewrriter12 · 13/09/2019 11:54

Hi All,
My 13 year old son has asked me not to attend anymore parents evenings as he is embarrassed that i am in a wheelchair. He feels that girls will not like him if they see me.
My husband is my carer so would not be able to attend on his own. How should i feel ? At the moment i am angry and upset

OP posts:
BoomZahramay · 13/09/2019 12:22

Anything and everything is a potential source of embarrassment at that age. It's horrible. I strongly suspect he loves you and is not embarrassed of you at all, more that other might latch onto the thing about him that is "different" i.e. mum in a wheelchair and tease him.

Please remember that he might sometimes be able to talk on a grown up level, but the logic centre in the brain hasn't fully developed yet, and their emotions are very intense. Sometimes it helps to work through the logical thought process with them. Ask him if he would actually like a girlfriend who didn't have any compassion and was so shallow. Would she be a nice person? Would he respect her? Then ask him if he understands how hurtful his comment was to you.

WonderWomansSpin · 13/09/2019 12:22

I know you're upset but actually I wouldn't be making this about you. Teens get embarrassed. They hate anything that marks them as different. And, they're supposed to have issues with their parents. It's all normal rites of passage and not related to your disability.

I'd be digging a bit deeper to see if there's any bullying. Then, depending on his answers, I'd maybe cut him a bit of slack.

BishopBrennansArse · 13/09/2019 12:23

My 15 year old has been doing this to me since he was 12

PositiveVibez · 13/09/2019 12:26

I cringe when I think about this, but I went through that 'embarrassed by my mum' phase at about that age and I remember getting a separate bus home from the shopping centre than her because I seen someone from school and didn't want to be seen getting on the bus with my mum and her shopping bags.

Bloody pathetic.

berlinbabylon · 13/09/2019 12:31

I agree with pp's that anything related to your parents is embarrassing when you are a teenager.

That doesn't mean that he shouldn't be told how hurtful his comments were.

Also agree that it would be silly to go out with a girl who was so shallow! You might, as an older partner, think about how a potential MIL's disability could affect you, will you be asked to help, will it limit your life with your partner in some ways etc. But I can't see a 13 year old thinking that far ahead.

Lovemusic33 · 13/09/2019 12:33

Is it possible he’s getting bullied and kids are using the fact your in a wheelchair against him? Talk to him and try and get to the bottom of it.

My eldest dd went through a stage of being worried that she would get bullied because she her sister is severely autistic, she now has her friends over and they always include dd2 with whatever they are doing, I’m pleased dd has such understanding friends and that she’s not embarrassed about some of dd2’s behaviours.

Tell your ds that if the type of girl he wants to attract has issues with people in wheelchairs then he’s looking at the wrong type of girl.

ScreamingLadySutch · 13/09/2019 12:33

Please don't be too sad at him and please don't shame him too much. He is 13, and during adolescence the peer group is the most important reference group for them.

Between the ages of 12 and 25 ALL mothers are embarrassing, stupid and the worst thing that has ever happened to them.

I walk on my own two feet and the covert contempt and disparagement of my children still hurts. Even though I know that it is developmental, that it is easier for them to show their feelings to me than their father, it gets me down some times.

beachysandy81 · 13/09/2019 12:34

I think you and your husband have to be firm on this and attend the evening. Try and discuss it further with him. Maybe someone has said something rude about people in wheelchairs. 13 is a funny age and kids are v self conscious, not all of them are able to answer back and stick up for themselves. I am quite surprised though as I thought that your son saying you embarrass him by being in a wheelchair would be something that would put girls off, rather than you actually being in a wheelchair ifyswim.

It must be very hurtful to you, especially as your son must know all about why you are in a chair and the challenges you face. I hope you manage to resolve something. Whatever you do, do not stay at home. Ask questions at the parent evening to find out how your son is doing socially as well as academically.

Banangana · 13/09/2019 12:35

my 14 and 12 year olds also tell me I'm embarassing - for playing my music too loud when I drop them at school, for shouting 'bye' out the window, for so many idiotic reasons

I don't think these reasons are idiotic at all....

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2019 12:37

I also think that there is at least a possibility that your DS is being bullied over having a mum who uses a wheelchair. As PP have said, teenagers do sometimes say hurtful things (and finding your parents 'embarrassing' no matter how normal the parents are is part of being a teenager) but part of being a parent is, to an extent, sucking up this sort of thing or at least not reacting aggressively to it.

SunshineAngel · 13/09/2019 12:41

By saying he doesn't want you at "any more" parents evenings, it sounds like you have been to some since he started high school.. is there a chance that the other kids are bullying him because you're in a wheelchair?

Kids can be horribly cruel, and your son may be suffering because of it, and just thinks that you not going to school anymore would solve his problems. When you're being bullied, your priorities become quite insular, and you just want it to stop.. so he won't think about how much it has hurt you.

Also, most teens find their parents embarrassing for one reason or another, and the only thing I can assure you of is that however difficult it is, and how unfair because you can't help being in a wheelchair, it WILL pass.

Speak to him about how it made you feel, and try to do a bit of digging to see what's caused it, as it's doubtful this will have come out of the blue completely.

Echobelly · 13/09/2019 12:42

I think @RiftGibbon is spot on - tell him a girl that wouldn't like him because you use a wheelchair is not a person he would be associating with.

Sadly I think it is kind of normal for teenagers not to want to feel 'different' even to the point of thinking or saying unkind things because their need for acceptance overrules everything.

I think you need a talk about how his saying that has made you feel and to reflect on that. He doesn't need punishment but he does need to think about your feelings and also how he manages his.

ChicCroissant · 13/09/2019 12:43

I would check that he is not being bullied at all currently, but have to agree with PP that teenagers are always embarassed by some element of their parents - I appreciate that the element he has mentioned is very hurtful, though.

I recall checking what my mum was going to wear before she went to parents evening Blush and sitting half a row away from her in the cinema. I expect to get the same treatment myself some day, it's a shame she wasn't spared to see me go through it when I do Grin

SayOohLaLa · 13/09/2019 12:43

I cam on here to mention about Alison Lapper, whose son asked her not to go into school as other children did bully him because of how his mother looked. He may not have phrased it well, but at best he's concerned about anything that makes him stand out from the crowd and at worst the other kids are bullying him because you're a chair user.

I'd maybe flag this with his form tutor / pastoral care staff and see if they can do some activities with the year group about acepting physical difference. But don't let it stop you from going into school - explain to him that, as his parent, you have as much right to be at parent events as every other parent.

DGRossetti · 13/09/2019 12:43
Flowers
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/09/2019 12:44

I wouldn't be swerving any parents evenings but tell him if he is embarrassed to be seen with you then he can stay home on those nights instead.

Myriade · 13/09/2019 12:45

but part of being a parent is, to an extent, sucking up this sort of thing or at least not reacting aggressively to it

Sucking it up when its about being dressed weirdly or saying Bye out of the window is ne thing.
I wouldnt suck it up when it comes about being embarrased about his mum disability. Its a totally different ball park and really needs to be adressed.

@typewrriter12, could you DH have a word woth him (rather than you) about it all and explain ho
1- this is not an acceptable comment to do to anyone. Is he really saing that all disabled people shouod just be hidden somehwre in a cupboard?
2- that this was an extremely hurtful thing to tell you.

Even better would be if spmeone outside the fsmily had a chat with him about it. Does your ds get any support himself and is there anyone in that network that could do that?

CTRLALTDELETED · 13/09/2019 12:46

If girls don’t like him it’ll be because of his shitty attitude.

He needs to grow up.

BarbariansMum · 13/09/2019 12:48

I used to walk on the opposite side of the road to my parents so I wouldnt be seen with them. Their crime - being foreign and speaking Englush with an accent. Blush

I suggest you try kind but firm. Empathise that it can be embarrassing to be different but none the less you're his mum and of course you'll be going to the school. And reassure him that many people have differences in their lives and sensible people are tolerant of it in others, and of course girls will be interested in an attractive young man like him, etc etc

This really is about his insecurities rather than you.

BarbariansMum · 13/09/2019 12:50

Hmm He's 13 @CTRLALTDELETED. His behaviour is entirely age appropriate and he will grow up in time.

misspiggy19 · 13/09/2019 12:50

I imagine he is getting the nick taken out of him already by others and he doesn’t want you to turn up because of this.

theoriginalmadambee · 13/09/2019 12:56

As other pp.
Welcome to the land of teenagers Smile. I can understand you are hurt, because of this but if it wasn't this it would be

You're
too fat/skinny
Too loud
Embarrassing
Ugly
Too old
Oldfashioned

Take your pick it is ultimately because you are his dm and he is a teen.

Brace yourself, and remember this shall pass.

Banangana · 13/09/2019 12:56

I think I'd start by asking whether he's being teased about the wheelchair and then take it from there.

shareacco · 13/09/2019 12:57

Aw that's mean of your son. I would sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you will also be going to parents evening because you care about how he is doing in school. If he gets upset then tough.

DGRossetti · 13/09/2019 12:59

It's heartbreaking this is just a facet of the wider marginalisation of the less able in society. The lad is having the mick taken out of him because - well that's what the kids at school have picked up from societies treatment and attitude towards the disabled. Same way racism spreads.

DS grew up with DW in a wheelchair (or "buggy" as he called it) and was very protective and proud - his friends would offer to help push DW and open doors at school for her. Seems like it was a lifetime ago now Sad

You only have to read the current thread about wheelchairs on buses to see how far we have to go and how much harder it is to stop sliding backwards to the society where the disabled aren't allowed out at all.