son ashamed of me

[typewrriter12]

Hi All,
My 13 year old son has asked me not to attend anymore parents evenings as he is embarrassed that i am in a wheelchair. He feels that girls will not like him if they see me.
My husband is my carer so would not be able to attend on his own. How should i feel ? At the moment i am angry and upset

I would tell him girls won’t like him when they see how poorly he treats his own mother.

I dont think this is normal my ds is 11 and his df is disabled he walks with a limp and uses a crane (his dad he had osteosacoma cancer in the knee as teen, he has a metal implant in his leg) he has never been embarrassed or ashamed and if anything would be fiercely protective of his dad. I would be looking at why he is reacting like this op is there suddenly changes in behaviour?

Go to the parents evening you are the parent and before then give him a good telling to about his crap attitude to you and disability in general. He needs a wake up call as no girl would want anything to do with someone so anti disability as him. Go and see what the teachers have to say about his attitude at school, what is it when it comes to other pupils that have s n's. Get it sorted before he grows into an adult that is anti disability to you and others as that will be trouble for him in life and the work Place. Also why is you husband not backing you and having a discussion with him seems to me that's long overdue he should be more a roll model.

I think it’s normal I was so embarrassed of my parents I wouldn’t go out with them at his age either. I grew out of it as quickly as I went in it. I’m so sorry that must have really hurt .

He is 13 and you are not.

It is a fair comment and he has told you so he trusts you. At that age young people are sensitive to what other people say and think.

You should have discussed it with him. That would have broadened his outlook.

Thank you for all the replies.I did not attend the parents evening but wrote to the school in the hope that they would speak to him and give me a meeting when children are in class. He did not get punished because apart from saying he did not want me attending parents evening he is a lovely caring boy i am not holding a grudge. I think like some pp have said he might be getting bullied. I think perhaps school is tough for him and i dont want to give him more problems

I am a wheelchair user too, I have two carers as well as my husband. I would tell him that girls will see him as a sweet boy with a good heart. My husband usually goes alone to our daughters parents evening as I don’t keep well, but my daughter has so far never been embarrassed by me. Could your son be being bullied over your disability? Does he attend a young carers group? If he does, I suggest contacting his young carers support worker as he clearly needs someone to talk to. If he doesn’t then I suggest you ask the school if they can refer him or refer him yourself.

I would feel hurt too, it’s not easy being a disabled parent, especially to a teenager (my ds is 12, autistic and home educated but I realise that I may face similar when my dd is at Academy she is 10 now). My daughters school mates have known me since they were little, they all say hello and come up for a chat when I am at the school. They also make a habit of asking my daughter how I am (I used to be a teacher myself and have had many of them over to my house over the last six years). So I hope that they will have her back ( so to speak) if anyone tries to bully your son due to your circumstances.

Can I suggest something, I would ask if you could possibly arrange meetings with his teachers either over the phone, or at a separate time. Explain the situation, as it sounds like your son needs support (girls not wanting to go out with him sounds like an excuse to me- he would rather hurt you himself than have you realise he is being bullied because of your disability) I would rather not be navigating halls of parents and teenagers if I could perhaps arrange a time to communicate with his teachers by phone or in person at a separate time.

These threads. People so fast to say how horrible this teen is, how they wouldnt let their kids get away with it and tell him 'girls wont like him when they find out how they treat his mother' (read mil threads here, plenty of girls and women would e happy of their partner never spoke to their mother again).

When it's far more likely (given that he has felt that's theres other things going on with him as well. OP hasnt said he is like this all the time. But some many chomping at the bit to say awful this boy is.

Most people are embarrassed by their parents at some point. They get over it. Imo, op has a right to be upset, but instead of verbally abusing him, perhaps a further converstation should be had. She should figure out if anything else is going on. Tall to him about why those attitudes are not old and not acceptable. Rather than make a derogatory dig back him.

How is that helping? Saying 'you made me feel bad so I am going to do it to you so there'.

Apologies I appear to have cross posted with you and totally messed up the end of the second paragraph! Did the school arrange an opportunity for you to speak to his teachers?

At my DS's school, the boys went through a phase of saying 'Your Mum this' and 'Your Mum that' to each other. My DS confessed that one of the boys had been saying some horrible stuff about me. He felt he ought to have defended my honour in some way but had fallen short. He was really rattled by it.

So I'm wondering if there is a similar dynamic in your DS's case. He is anticipating one of his mates making a comment and feeling that he won't be up to responding adequately and he'll end up looking weak.

*Banangana Fri 13-Sep-19 12:35:32

my 14 and 12 year olds also tell me I'm embarassing - for playing my music too loud when I drop them at school, for shouting 'bye' out the window, for so many idiotic reasons

I don't think these reasons are idiotic at all....*

Good job I'm not your Mum then Banangana :-) FWIW, we're not talking Faithless being blasted out at 90 decibels, just R2 gently going in the background, and a brief 'bye' out the window is hardly the parenting crime of the century ..... unless you're a 14 year old apparently!

Thing is, he can’t change what other people say, he can only change how he reacts.

I use a stick and sometimes a wheelchair and I’ve never seen any evidence of my kids being embarrassed by me.

DS4’s mates have largely known me since primary so they’ve seen me gradually deteriorate, asked me why I’ve started using a stick, all that kind of stuff. His new high school friends have sometimes looked a little surprised; one thought I was his gran (to be fair I’m mid 50s), DS’s attitude was, “ Don’t be so stupid mate.”

I think the factor here is that DS is very alpha and very popular. Any criticism of me or teasing would be water off a duck’s back to him. So yeah, I think the best way to sort this is to work on your boy’s self esteem and resilience, and as people have said, go gently, don’t shame him for how he feels. Maybe a word putting the school in the picture, asking them to keep an eye out for bullying.

@typewrriter12 - it is understandable that you are angry and upset. It's a natural reaction both on yours and his part, secondary school is a terrible place for finding a person's weakness and exploiting it. I'm sure your son has lashed out without thinking about how it's made you feel - teens are quite blinkered. a mild rebuke wouldn't be unwarranted either, along the lines of 'I know you can't help it that I'm disabled and it must be difficult with your friends, but it's also not easy for me'.

a pp has mentioned Young Carers. Definitely look into them. He doesn't have to have any specific caring responsibilities to access their service. But they can help your son manage what he feels is happening, at home and in school.

My eldest has just started secondary school but has been a yc since the age of 8 due to her siblings needs. the local Young Carer's organisation visit secondary school on a monthly basis as well as the groups and other events they run outside of school time - like a youth group but for kids in the same situation.

They are there for them to discuss matters which might affect them - eg 'mum's in a wheelchair and the other kids tease me' as well as 'I haven't been able to finish my homework because X had a meltdown and broke the laptop' (something which has happened in our house in the past.

Whilst I appreciate that he is a teenager, and at that age parents are just not cool to be with, I think his remarks were particularly mean and hurtful. He may not have meant them that way, but for me it would have been enough to at least need to point that out to him.

It is possible that he is being bullied over it, so you need to ask him about that and tread carefully and get help for him from the school if necessary, I think they should be made aware if any of the kids are picking on another due to having a disabled parent and appropriate action should be taken.

Teenagers can be horrible, both to each other and to their parents. I have had three of them. You pick your battles and in a few years time they start to become human again.

I do think you need to know what is really going on here though. You can't just guarantee to him that you will never again go to the school to meet his teachers and he needs to realise this.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It must make you feel like crap. He does need to understand that. Hopefully the right support can be put in place for both him and for you.

That is an asexual thing to say to you but bare in my mind that kids that age are thoughtless and selfish. When he is older he will be absolutely mortified that he said that to you.

Omg sorry bloody autocorrect! I wrote ‘awful’ not ‘asexual’!! earth swallows me up

Though I do think someone needs to explain how hurtful his words were to you. He should be made to understand and feel guilty.