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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Secondary school help! My son hates it, being sick.

101 replies

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/09/2019 07:52

Before I start, I know he has to go, I am not pandering to him.

My son (11 end of August) has gone to a different school to all his friends, I am regretting this already, however he does know people on the bus and doesn't mind getting the bus.

He went to school happy on day 1 and got given so many rules and regulations he came home frightened, being sick and crying.

We are now a week in, he is still being sick every morning, he hates it and I don't know what to do to help him. He isn't eating.

School are aware of this, they are giving him coping strategies, I just don't want other people seeing him as a victim and I don't want him to hate the next 5 years.

I know he has to go to school, I am not pandering to him, I am at a loss as to how to help him and to get him over this.

Please help me, help him.

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 12/09/2019 10:14

My DD has just gone into y7 at a huge school (270 in her year), being the only one from her primary. This is because we moved and the high school is closest to us and also, on paper, a better school than those in the old area. The high school put her in a form with other DC who are the only ones from their primary so that helped. She became friendly with a few girls on induction and they kept in touch over summer and is still hanging out with them now mostly. However she is set for every single subject (and right now that is just one accelerated set) so hardly spends any time with these new friends she made anyway! And it could have been the same at schools where her old friends were. Most of her anxiety so far has been, similar to your son, the practicalities of secondary school life, more discipline, not losing things, forgetting things or getting lost! The school is huge over several buildings so DD has got lost numerous times and is heavily dependent on her little map! She also started music lessons so was worried about finding that and missing some of her English lesson for it.

I've tried to help by getting her bag ready for the next day, reminding her to do homework. These are things she did by herself in y6, but just so she doesn't get overwhelmed by everything in the first few weeks. And making sure she is well fed and goes to bed on time as she's so exhausted! Her school has loads of clubs, she and her form friends are going to join basketball lunchtime and she will do morning swimming. Can your son join a club to help feel more involved in the school? Flowers It is hard, I'm already worrying for my son who has three years left yet at primary!

milliefiori · 12/09/2019 10:15

OP, bear in mind that lots of primary school children get the shock of their lives when they hit secondary, It may not be that school which is causing him such stress. My two came home shellshocked at the rules, the enormity of the place, the expectations, the workload. And I know friends' children at other schools did too.

Just be very gentle and loving with him. Help him as much as you can with the transition.

Print out his daily timetable and homework timetable and stick them on the fridge or somewhere you both can see them. Get hold of the phone numbers and emails of some parents in his class so if he forgets or struggles with any homework, he can contact someone who might have it.

Every night, help him unpack his bag, check his homework diary with him, give him a snack he loves and let him unwind in front of TV or gaming or outside, playing, then after tea, set up a quiet space for homework. After this, check next day's lessons and help him pack his bag so he's ready with all kit he needs. Give a hand with homework.

Ask about individual lessons. He might get excited by new things like Chemistry or Physics. Or rugby. Ask who are his favourite teachers so far. Ask if anything funny happened. Are any of the teachers eccentric? See if you can get him to laugh about any of it.

If he gets on OK with them, invite the other boys who travel on the bus with him to come over for a pizza and film night or a game of footie and burgers. Likewise, if he starts to mention any children he likes. And get him in touch with old friends too. It might help him to discover they are all overwhelmed by the change and the work, so he realises it's not just that school but the new life that is a challenge for everyone.

Give it until Christmas. Tell him you're sure he can handle it. Maybe take him out on some treats that he's allowed now he's at big school.

DS2 was so unhappy when he started. We thought wed made a terrible mistake. We hadn't. he adores the school now and the school adores him. They have nurtured him so beautifully despite a rocky start with a horrible 1st form teacher (who didn't last). I'm so glad we didn't have a knee jerk reaction and pull him out. Trust your own instincts. If it's a good school, he'll settle and thrive, given time.

aintnothinbutagstring · 12/09/2019 10:19

Also, my DD has found older students to be more helpful than the teachers in helping when she's lost, they tend to actually take her to where she needs to be.

aintnothinbutagstring · 12/09/2019 10:22

We've taken multiple copies of the timetable and map! Make sure you download all the apps like myed and showmyhomework. Our school has an official parents forum on FB that both the school and other parents post on.

waytheleaveswork · 12/09/2019 10:54

You sound like an amazing Mum OP, your boy is very lucky to have you.
Take care of yourself too over the next few weeks and I hope it settles soon for you both.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2019 11:17

Also, my DD has found older students to be more helpful than the teachers in helping when she's lost, they tend to actually take her to where she needs to be.
Older students are often the best.
When you're rushing across site to your next lesson and know theres 33 students waiting then you can't take the y7 yourself but a passing older studrnt is usually more than happy to take them on your behalf.

I also tend to find older students will approach lost looking y7s and offer help too. They're good like that.
You sound like an amazing Mum OP, your boy is very lucky to have you.
Totally agree. The OP is textbook example of supportive mum and someone who applies common sense when raising issues with school. Brew

shithappens123 · 12/09/2019 11:20

Send him to the other school or alternatively home school him.

hazeyjane · 12/09/2019 11:25

Your poor boy (and poor you...it is really hard helping them through this sort of thing.)

Dd1 vomited every morning for the first few weeks (months...) of secondary. She found the whole change overwhelming, her few friends seemed to be bouncing in happily and cracking on (I'm sure this wasn't always the case) while she was either vomiting in a bin or sobbing as I got her out of the door and up the hill to school. It was horrible. She was hysterical every morning, and worn down by hometime.

The things that helped -

Pastoral care team at school - in the end we had a woman come down and meet her, to help her get in. Then she had her as a point of contact at the School.

A time out card just in case she felt sick in school (she was very anxious About this, after throwing up in the middle of an assembly)

Medication to help with sickness (this was a last resort - after months when the main thing causing anxiety was the being sick - she had 2 weeks supply to break the vicious circle. After this the Dr prescribed reflux meds as the anxiety seemed to be causing reflux symptoms)

Making sure the medical room and teachers knew that the vomiting was anxiety related, not illness (so not to keep sending her home!)

She is in year 9 now, and still has an anxious first week after the holidays. But we are prepared and more able to deal with it.

Good luck for your boy.

sugarbum · 12/09/2019 11:35

I absolutely empathise with you OP.
DS1 was exactly the same last year. He also went to a different school to his peers (I wouldn't say friends, he didn't really have close friends - just kids that he went to primary with and a couple that he might see on a weekend now and again)
The transition was horrible. He was also being physically sick and I had the dreaded phone call on his first day. It took a few months for him to settle but HE DID.
He hates change and we'd just moved house so he was already unsettled. He has to get a train, whereas we used to live 5 minutes walk from primary school. He doesn't always understand whats going on around him, and because he is so physically massive compared to the other boys, people tend to treat him as older than his years (as in they are less sympathetic) whereas I'd say he's probably immature for his age and certainly has had a sheltered upbringing.
I still try to help him along. I prompt him to check his homework diary every day and make sure his bag is packed and phone is charged. We have a whiteboard in his room where we write down homework so he can see it there and wipe it out when its done, rather than just checking his book. ( I know some schools have it all online, but ours is old school)
Its utterley overwhelming for them it really is. Add that to hormones/puberty and its a killer.
But again, he HAS settled. He is taking more responsibility for himself now, and doesn't panic and call me every single time the train is late (most days!) He even seemed quite happy to start Y8 (I think he was bored stiff after the summer) and he doesn't really do 'happy' so thats saying something.

Persevere OP. Give it till Christmas at least. We do what we think is best for them, and sometimes it doesn't work out, but sometimes it will.

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/09/2019 11:45

@shithapenns123

Moving schools may not help what he is worrying about! Home school, yes, I will just give up my career and do that, with zero experience of teaching or the curriculum!

Have you any more helpful suggestions?

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 12/09/2019 11:53

Can you speak to the local authority and see if maybe they can change him if his preferred school has a place? I am sure that he will settle in time, but you need to have a back up plan and let him know that if he's still not happy/settled by half term, you will try to move him. I think that he needs to know that you are listening to him and that he is not trapped. However, I would also worry about him fitting in to another school as it sounds like this is partly to do with the transition from primary to secondary,which can be a big leap). Can you tell him to invite one of his classmates round for tea etc? Also find out what rules/regulations are really worrying him and why? Reassure him that if he accidentally breaks a rule or gets into trouble, you won't be mad etc. It must be heart breaking for you to see him like this. Other ideas are to download the calm app on your phone for him, to buy him a nice night light/redecorate his room and buy him some new books so that his room becomes a sanctuary and he is calmer at bedtime. If he's less anxious at night/gets better quality sleep, he may feel a little better in the mornings. I think that anything that helps him switch off from school/relax or acts as a distraction is good.

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/09/2019 11:56

Thank you Cor Blimey

We have just done his room up and I have been and bought lots of new books, screen time being limited and I am making sure he reads before sleeping.

Thank you Lola and Way the leaves - I don't feel like a good mum.

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 12/09/2019 11:59

My friends DD suffered awfully with anxiety in y7, I think she found the y7 pastoral manager to be the most helpful, it's their job after all. Friends DD settled towards end of y7 and was really looking forward to starting y8. I know as someone who suffers from anxiety, avoidance is not always the best, facing your fears is often the only way to get over them and see it's not as bad as what you imagined. If it was an ongoing bullying issue, that's different. If it's a case of being afraid of getting into trouble or getting something wrong, I do think once he has gotten a feel for the school and sees he isn't going to get into trouble if he's generally well behaved, that anxiety will decrease. You'll get some DC that come from primary with very poor behaviour, for whatever reason, I think the highs schools do need to set things straight from the outset to let those DC know what the school will and won't accept.

VulcanRay · 12/09/2019 12:02

Oh bless him I remember being in his exact situation (only mine had the added dimension of being from a town with a very bad reputation to attending secondary in a very middle class area). This was an absolutely seismic transition for me, I remember retching every morning for a good couple of weeks, not being able to eat etc. But it turned out my classmates weren’t half as snobby as I expected and the teachers weren’t as scary/ strict as I initially thought. I gradually warmed to it and was reasonably settled with some decent friends by Christmas and I would say fully settled by Easter. I’m so grateful my parents encouraged me to give it a good go as my prospects if I had gone to my local school would have been pretty poor.

MollyButton · 12/09/2019 12:05

I think you need to discuss with the school properly what they are doing to help him. He probably needs to go on the SEN register for anxiety for the time being. Can he see a school counsellor?
I would also take him to the GP (just as an adult should go if they have excess anxiety), and at least get it on his medical record.

I would also talk him through his anxieties: Detention - not necessarily that bad, my DC actually quite enjoyed detention.
Is there somewhere he can go when stressed? (Ask school to provide this - and maybe a "get out of class" card, so he can go there if it gets too much.)
My DD's Form teacher was required to divert her from "naggy assemblies" as it just caused stress.
If he doesn't make it to school because of the stress - then have this recorded as the reason for his absence.
Try to get him involved in an extra curricula activity.

And stop worrying about pandering - it sounds like real anxiety, and kindness works much better than laying down the line.

IsobelRae23 · 12/09/2019 12:09

@MakeMineALarge1

My ds is now in year10.

Went to a catholic primary and onto the secondary school with many of his friends. Day 1 brilliant, day 2 he didn’t like it, day 3 he was sick and refused to go in. I was beside myself, I think I was crying more than him, because he was so upset and I’d never seen him like it.

So I kept him off day3 morning, phoned several schools and none had any free places. At lunchtime he said he could see all the other schools were all full, so he would go in to school for the afternoon.

Over the course of the next two months, I lost count of the number of times he was sick. To the point school would phone and say he was in the sick bay, he had been sick but they thought it was his anxiety, and not a bug.

We then made a GP appointment (I have generalised anxiety disorder so I know how crippling it is), and like a light switch, before we even seen the GP, it all stopped. Literally over night.

Now he will say honestly, he doesn’t know what was causing it- he’s a good kid, in top sets, has lots of friends, had joined the rugby team, never in trouble, only the odd telling off to stop talking. So nothing that highlighted a problem.

Now year 10, and he hasn’t had any anxiety worries since that first 8 weeks or so in year 7. What he did say that made him feel a lot better was that I acknowledged his feelings, I was willing to look and move him schools if that was what he wanted, and it made him feel a little more in control.

I hope your ds settle soon, I honestly do know how you are feeling.

pinkdelight · 12/09/2019 12:12

Lots of good advice and support here and you sound very on it. There's just one other thing that stood out to me...

You talk about the reputation of this CoE school compared to the reputation of those where his friends have gone. Reputation for what? Because if it's about results and good behaviour then maybe it is stricter, and while that can have benefits it's not always the right fit for every kid.

I mention this as DS has gone to a different school to his mates (they've all gone to different schools in fact so none are together), and it was scary for sure, but the school is on the smaller side and its reputation is more for being kinder and more chilled compared to the stricter places. It's results are still decent but it's not the big sell and even though my DS is academic I just know he's a nervous type and wouldn't have coped in a stricter environment. It's one thing to say they have to go through it and come out stronger etc but honestly I'd rather somewhere's reputation was less hot and the dc was happy to go there. Being sick with anxiety and potentially waiting till y8+ until they adjust, just isn't worth it from my POV. It's scary enough growing up without all these rules and threats as if that's what life's like. A lot of modern working is more flexible and self-directed anyway.

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, but I know some parents choose church schools because they can be that bit stricter with positive results, but again, I'd think beyond the reputations of the closer schools because if they do have a different ethos then maybe they would suit your DS better, and having friends there too is a bonus.

BlackberriesAndCream · 12/09/2019 12:17

Can you chat with him about the feeling sick being a symptom of anxiety, and teach him strategies to try to calm that - deep breathing, eating a ginger snap, whatever (doesn't matter if it doesn't have any evidence, if he thinks more calmly as a result, it could help!) - and at the same time cognitive behavioural therapy strategies regarding thinking changes. That way he knows he is being listened to about feeling sick, but also that it is something he has to learn to deal with, rather than something that will get him out of things. And if the strategies can lessen the feeling of wanting to be sick, then that might ease the worry about it happening, if that has then become an extra worry on top of the others.

If he is most anxious about detentions, then it might help once he sees other people starting to get them and realises that getting into trouble in class isn't the end of the world - attention isn't on that person forever, the teacher forgets soon enough and treats them normally again, etc. (I'm trying to remember the sorts of things that made me anxious at school, and that was one of them - the attention that would be on me if I got told off!). Also for me, the fear of the unknown with detentions was worse than the thought of the detention itself. It was fear of not knowing where to go, what to say, what to do, what would happen. If you can find out if he is worrying about anything like this, you could perhaps get the form teacher or whoever to talk him through what would happen in the worst case scenario and he did get a detention for forgetting something.

Strategies like going through his bag, having a list of what should be in there, writing down important messages etc, are all good. Having a spare pencil case in his bag, and one at home, so that the school one doesn't ever have to leave his bag can help. Spare pens to loan out to others can help. I certainly found it comforting to have spare things that I was unlikely to ever need, but I felt more reassured with them - so things like spare ties or PE kit on days that I was unlikely to need it, or extra locker keys/codes etc. Not so much of this that he becomes a bit obsessed with never breaking a rule, but just enough to have that feeling of reassurance.

Lots of talking through 'what ifs', even if he won't/can't verbalise the things he's worrying about to you - and they might be incredibly minor details. I worried hugely about having to go and see a teacher outside of class, to find out about clubs or to pick up something like missed notes or whatever, or even to go to another classroom or reception to get a message or ask for something - I didn't know whether you knocked or walked into the big office, how you got the attention of the receptionist when there were lots of people working in that room, what you said, etc. I spent ages worrying about having to go for a message (and I was good and quiet, so the sort that would be chosen by the teacher to go ask for something etc). And yet it wasn't the things that you'd expect someone to worry about - not remembering the message or finding the room or anything, but the whole 'do I knock and what do I say' thing. It can seem incredibly trivial, but panicking for an anxiety struck child. I used to panic over ringing the bell to get off the bus, too, and was always relieved when someone else did it! Someone talking me through a lot of these things, step by step, and reassuring me that attention wouldn't always be on me if I did them wrong, might have helped. A lot of it was just time to get used to it, to watch everyone else from the sidelines a bit, not be forced into things but gradually allowed to find my own way etc.

Also to be reassured that it was OK to be sad/unhappy/anxious. And that sometimes you didn't have friends, or ate alone at lunchtime - I did it for several years! - and that it didn't mean anything was wrong with you. It's lonely, yes, but that wasn't what made me most anxious, actually, it was the thought that I shouldn't be like this, that something was wrong with me, that my parents would be disappointed in me etc. So reassure him that he can cope with being sad/anxious, it isn't something that has to be solved immediately, that you aren't disappointed or cross with him.

There's a book called 'what to do when you worry too much' that is well-recommended, although he might be too old for it now. But it might have some strategies that could still be useful.

good luck. As a very anxious child, I know how important it is to have supportive family!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 12/09/2019 12:19

I do feel for you, I really do! Have also been sat in tears as my DD has just started preschool and has had to be peeled off me (hyperventilating, screaming etc). Seeing your child sad/anxious is the hardest thing in the world (whatever their age). My mum was sat crying with worry about my sister the other day who is in her forties! You sound like you are doing a really really good job and being very sensible and supportive! He will almost certainly be reasonably settled once lessons have started. You won't get to see the bits of the day where he's not so anxious or has fun. Unfortunately, as a parent, you only see the worst/most distressing bit and then, they perk up and leave you at home feeling utterly hopeless and tearful! You've had some great advice here re helping him with timetables/getting organized etc. He also needs to know that getting into trouble occasionally isn't the worst thing in the world! A good book is The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Burns. It's aimed at adults really, but is excellent for understanding how what you think affects how you feel. It has practical questions and answer type worksheets that get you to work through your anxieties (such as working out the likelihood or something bad happening and it gets you to look at alternative scenarios in order to get a more balanced view). I don't usually recommend self help style books. But this one helped me enormously as a teenager (18ish) and has continued to help. The NHS/Priory etc tend to use it. It's a cognitive behavioural therapy approach. Very practical and down to earth. It could really help you to help him break down his worries and look at them in a more rational way. Right, I'm off to make a cup of tea to perk myself. I'll make you a virtual one whilst I'm at it!

waytheleaveswork · 12/09/2019 12:20

You are a good mum. There are loads of helpful suggestions here, but sometimes I think the best thing a parent can do is have the strength and self-restraint to not step in straight away and remove a child from a situation when that child is struggling and just give them time to adjust and adapt.

I'm not saying stand back and watch him suffer for 5 years, but it's only been a few days and he deserves some time to find his own way for a couple more weeks.

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/09/2019 12:21

Thank you for all the advice and hugs, I am happy with the school and the support they are providing for him.

I will keep you all updated (if you want)
I will keep talking to him and working through his nerves.

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 12/09/2019 12:26

Op my heart is going out to you. What a terrible worry.

He sounds overwhelmed by the change, but it is important that he sees this eventually as a victory, a challenge and that he coped.

  • Celebrate every day that he has been at his new school. Tell him that he has managed another day on a calendar, and keep saying that the worst of it is almost certainly over now. Every day will get a little easier from now.
  • Comfort in the evening. His favourite food, down time, chats before bed etc.
  • Acknowledging his fears, and allowing him to talk about his worries.
  • Checking he has everything, and what to do on the day that something goes wrong

One thing that really worked for us, make sure you ask the school to provide a very kind point of contact, so he can go to a certain teacher if there is anything he is worried about. This works well, especially as the teacher POC can iron out any misunderstandings, provide comfort and reassurance. My dd had this and it was a life saver (a second Mummy at school!)

Be confident that he will get through this, and tell him so. If you are looking too worried and fretful he will wonder if this even worse than he thought. Be upbeat and positive about school, and reassuring that he can do this.

So sorry for your ds op, really it is so heartbreaking, but with the right support he should come through it all much stronger than before.

waytheleaveswork · 12/09/2019 12:27

And just to add, I'm a year 7 tutor in a CofE school too. I don't think we are 'stricter' than other schools (we don't do ready to learn for example). We have high standards, but our ethos is all about helping kids meet them through kindness and respect. All teachers have a duty of care to your son's well being OP, and that's the core of a Year 7 pastoral team. With my own tutees, part of my duty of care is believing in them, modelling resilience and empowering them to see that they can overcome their own challenges. It's early days. Some are still eating alone, some look terrified in the corridor, some look a bit lost. But they'll get there, and so will your son.

HariboLecter · 12/09/2019 12:53

I went to a different secondary to a lot of my year group - only 2 others from my primary went there, so all though I wasn't totally alone, it was very scary. My primary class (and school) was very small, so making the move from that to seniors was so daunting.

I don't speak to either of the 2 that went from primary, but my 2 best friends now many many, many years later are those that I met in yr7.

I really hope things improve for him, hopefully once he settles into the routines, and how much different it is from primary and fingers crossed new friendships it will get better for him.

shithappens123 · 12/09/2019 19:01

OP I have a suggestion, why don’t you teach your child resilience.

School is a part of life, he needs to realise this and get on with it. He will pick up on your anxiety and it will make him worse.

Life is hard for everyone.

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