Secondary school help! My son hates it, being sick.

[MakeMineALarge1]

Before I start, I know he has to go, I am not pandering to him.

My son (11 end of August) has gone to a different school to all his friends, I am regretting this already, however he does know people on the bus and doesn't mind getting the bus.

He went to school happy on day 1 and got given so many rules and regulations he came home frightened, being sick and crying.

We are now a week in, he is still being sick every morning, he hates it and I don't know what to do to help him. He isn't eating.

School are aware of this, they are giving him coping strategies, I just don't want other people seeing him as a victim and I don't want him to hate the next 5 years.

I know he has to go to school, I am not pandering to him, I am at a loss as to how to help him and to get him over this.

Please help me, help him.

Oh OP. It's an awful time. Keep talking to the school. It's such early days It will get better I'm sure.

I think it might be a good idea to let him know that if he isn’t happy at the school he can move. Then at least he knows he has a choice and doesn’t have to stay unhappy.
I feel so sorry for him! I detested my secondary school. Incidentally I went to a very posh girl’s grammar and did very badly. My sister didn’t get in the following year. She went to a very ‘rough’ comprehensive. She also didn’t fare well academically but she had a great time socially.
My son went to a not great school and did brilliantly academically.
You never can tell what will suit your child is what I am trying to say! We just do our best as mums.
I would comfort him and tell him if he doesn’t like it he can leave. Pandering or not he’s your dear son.

This might sound horrible (and it's not intended this way), but are they sure he's been physically sick? Sometimes students say they've been sick because they want to be out of a situation but haven't actually been sick.

No wonder your heart is breaking. I think you're spot on to talk to someone pastoral before seeing him or collecting him.

Oh bless him op

This isnt yours or his fault. Honestly this could have happened anywhere.

People will come and go. Friends at the other school may well be on the waiting lists for your school and get a spot of your ds should leave.

He really needs to learn some tools to get himself through the day. That's not to say that in the end moving wont still be the best solution. But the reason for moving should just be more than pinning hopes on.friends being there.

For the poster who says its unlikely friends have moved on. Here they had induction days and before that they had sporting events that although they went with their primary school, they were saved in teams with their new schools. There was a fair bit of interaction. So it really is a case sometimes they have a group of friends lined up before they even go so it can be that quick.

I would arrange another meeting with the head of hear and the pastoral team. See if some plans can he put in place

It doesn't sound like a friendship issue so there is nothing point in moving schools, the expectations will be the same elsewhere. Lots of the well behaved, hard working Y7 students are like this. Sometimes it just takes a few weeks to realise as long as they work hard and behave then it's fine. Be supportive, give him a cuddle but also be firm and tell him he needs to go. Keep school up to date so his form teacher and hoy can keep an eye on him and ask for his teachers to be notified to check that he understands tasks set to avoid getting in trouble.

My oldest child settled into secondary school really easily. So it was a massive shock when the second really struggled - same school, very few people he knew but that was the same for everyone. It was a really tough few weeks. In the end I sent an email to the head of pastoral care who was amazing! She was so helpful and kind and came up with so many strategies to help. We're three years in now and he can't really remember how much he hated it at the beginning; he's happy there now with great friends. If I have any regrets it's that I didn't contact the school sooner. I hope it works out the same for your ds.

I feel for you both !.Secondary School can be enormously challenging .For an 11 year old who has been at a (usually ) cosy type of Primary, to move to a big new School with new rules and people to meet is testing .Can you speak to the teachers there?.Many of his old friends will be finding it hard too .Can they meet up at W/E maybe ?.Even if you moved him it would still be unsettling .I assume you wanted the School as it had a better reputation?.Why not see if you can chat to some of the Mums at his new School and see what they say about their DC experience ?

Wishing your son a happier week 2. This is a little late, but there are some useful suggestions in this article.
www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2019/september/how-to-help-your-child-keep-a-level-head-about-going-back-to-school/

Fear of failure can dominate DC's thoughts - especially if the child has done well in the past.

For the moment I would encourage your DC to keep in touch with his old friends. Does he have a phone? We are in year 8 now, but the children who found it harder to settle in year 8 invariably didn't have phones so didn't get involved in after school chat about homework/music/sport.

This was me when I was 11. Different school to all my friends, C of E school, sick with nerves every day. I did settle, it just took a few weeks.

Making friends, knowing where classrooms were, becoming familiar with teachers faces and even stuff like the canteen all made a difference. for you for your boy.

@lolasmiles, I know exactly what you mean and no he isn't being sick sick.

I am waiting for a phone call back from school and I have a meeting Monday evening at the pastoral event.

I'm a Year 7 tutor at a large secondary. Lots of kids are the only person from their primary (over 50 feeder schools)

Please email HOY/his tutor - we have loads of interventions for this transition time (lunch time clubs, drama workshops, check ins, lunch monitors etc). I've had around 4 parents email me and have put loads of extra things in place (which the kids usually don't notice!), but can't do this unless we know they are struggling. Your son's tutor will be doing the same, but your son might be good at hiding it!

Completely normal. It's all so new. Reassure him, communicate with the school, stay calm, keep believing in him that he can overcome this and he will.

And email before the pastoral event, everything you put in your first post . The event on Monday will probably be general info, and there'll be loads of parents wanting 1:1 discussions so it can be a bit rushed. Much better to calmly document your son's feelings so his tutor/HOY has a clear understanding and you can focus on the info being shared, than be trying to snatch a couple of minutes with the right person on monday.

If he was at the school his friends went to, would he actually have any of them in his class? Round here there are 13 classes per year (which is massive!) so at best there would be one familiar face and probably not even a very good friend.

Oh OP I really sympathise. It's what every parent dreads when their DC start school (first born starts secondary next year).

I'd give it to December and if it's still not improved, move him then at least you can say you have it a chance.

Oh OP, I really feel for you and your DS. I remember my own transition from primary to secondary being quite overwhelming, as you suddenly go into a situation where you have a lot more responsibilities for yourself than before, all the lessons in different rooms to find, stuff to remember to bring etc. I remember having nightmares before I went about getting detention for everything!

It's just a small thing, but maybe him having a checklist of things he needs to bring/do every day might give him a tiny bit more security if he's worried about forgetting stuff and getting in trouble. Does he have a school diary? I used to have one for writing down homework assignments and when they were due.

Other than that, just lots of reassurance that it WILL get easier, and if it doesn't he can move schools. Really hope things get better soon for the both of you

OP
Glad you've got a meeting arranged.

I really didn't want to sound harsh with that suggestion, just I've seen that pattern.

Something to consider is a student who is keen to please, wants to do well, felt part of the furniture as one of the big kids in year 6 can find the transition to secondary difficult because they don't want to let anyone down, they want the freedom but find it overwhelming.
It might be worth reassuring him that he's not the only one who worries about being liked and keeping out of trouble, but as long as he follows instructions, does his best and asks for help then he's not going to get into a big bother.
Then give him some perspective on sanctions. I've had to sanction some utterly delightfuk students because they made a poor choice, but that doesn't mean I dislike them. I have to apply the rules fairly. Sure, losing 5/10 mins of break would be annoying but it wouldn't be the end of the world, the teachers won't deem him a naughty child etc because even the nicest students sometimes get a sanction because they're students. They won't get them often and it doesn't change how anyone views them.

My DD had similar at primary for more than one months. We were seen by children’s mental health nurse ( something like this). She said that the main thing is for me to be relaxed, supportive, gently talking about upcoming changes. I know it’s not easy, I was completely broken. DD is 15 now and unfortunately still has this problem with anxiety and sickness about something new but very occasionally. The main strategy is to talk through worries calmly and lots of praise and cuddles, work on confidence ( which is not easy at all but she has additional issues) She also went to different secondary from her friends but managed ok. Her school was very supportive. Secondary is a big change and could feel like huge for some children. Your son might benefit from talking with someone at school (like from pastoral care) about rules positively and in more relax way. Good schools are often too strict at the beginning to set the tone.
I also tried small changes approach e.g. pack up first, then gradually school lunches, rucksack is new, pencil case is old favourite but it might be different in your case. Could you take him to school by car or pick him up just for beginning because he might feel to much pressure from managing everything?
People are saying why he went to a different school? I’m sure you thought a lot about this and it’s not an easy decision. There is no guarantee that he would stay friends with his peers from primary in secondary. Could you arrange a few meet ups for him with primary friends and promise him to keep in touch? He needs friends outside school as well and it’ll help him.

Also I also realised afterwards that I was very anxious about school and some minor issues at home during my DD’s “anxious stage” so she certainly picked vibes from me.She’s very good at it! Apologies as it might be not relevant to you at all.
Hope things will improve very soon.

Some do take time to settle in.

Some settle in at first and then get unsettled. Some are at home from day 1.

With help and support and a couple of weeks the chances are that he’ll be fine.

Does your son’s new school have a mentoring system? Is it open to him?

Often it’s a really small worry that gets out of hand, a misunderstanding.

Hope all is well soon.

@pullingmysocksup - that is another good point, if he had gone with the other 4 boys from primary there's a good chance he would be split up.

We are checking his bag every night to make sure he doesn't forget, its the fear of forgetting something and getting into trouble he is worried about.
He is scared of getting into trouble, he has never been in trouble in school before, I keep reminding him of this.

Bless him.

Might be useful to talk through the fear? I do this with my students.

'You're going to forget something, at some point. You're human. What will happen if you forget a pen once?...What could you do....? If you forget your PE kit once, what might happen?..'. Normalise and rationalise the fear of getting it wrong.

It is a really big change for them OP, I know that my own DD found it pretty stressful and tiring (although nowhere near as bad as your DS, poor thing).

I seem to remember a thread (although let's be honest, there will be many threads on the same topic because it is so common) that the parents had picked what they thought was the best school but from the last week of term in primary the child was distressed at going to a different school. So some children have probably been worrying about this all summer.

Don't underestimate how difficult it is to move to a different classroom every lesson, remembering all the right books. My DD claimed to be late for most lessons because she couldn't find her way around and then the school introduced a card that you had to carry in your blazer that could be marked if you were late for lessons/uniform/forgot books etc and it really stressed her out! I did mention this to her teacher and she said that they do allow the Year 7's a bit of leeway actually she also said that she hadn't had any reports of DD being late for lessons at all, so it might have just been DD's perception rather than fact! so I do think you are doing absolutely the right thing in keeping in touch with the school.

I knew DD would be anxious and the school invited her to visit the pastoral worker/area one break, they had a drink and biscuits and showed her the things that they do at break. Does your school do anything like this?

It is a really hard bit of parenting, secondary school, IMO so have a gentle hug and a tissue from me Parents are so removed from it (compared to primary IME) that you feel you don't know what is going on.

DD1 was scared of getting into trouble and was worried that her work wasn’t a high enough standard . Once she realised that it wasn’t hard to stay out of trouble she felt more relaxed.

Doesn’t sound like the issue is school-specific, just one of huge change to the secondary school system.

Surely moving him would just be the same problem in a different school?

I am doing all these things, I am asking him what will happen if you forget something, just be honest and tell the teacher, you might get a sanction but thats all that will happen.

He just wants to do his best.

It sounds as though it is the massive change of senior school coupled with a fear of getting things wrong.

I would concentrate on trying to help with this:

get him into the habit of writing down exactly what homework he has and when it is due (if hte school don't use an app)

go through his homework each night to work out what needs to be done first (ideally, most things would be done on the night set, rather than delaying, but obviously some bigger tasks may need to be kept for the weekend etc if time allows). Offer to support, check work, advise on research etc

Help him pack his bag every evening so that it is ready for the next day. Have copies of his timetable easily accessible to make this easier - on a pinboard in his room, on the fridge etc

Make sure he has somewhere specifically to do his homework, with space for his books, folders etc.

Make a note of when he has PE and which kit is needed for each session. If it's not kept at school, get it out ready the night before.

Make sure he has a timetable in his blazer pocket so he knows what is needed, where he is going etc throughout the day.

Gradually he will need less help with all of this as it becomes habit, but it can take a while.

Definitely keep in regular communication with his form tutor, head of year and pastoral support or whatever is the method for your school. They will really want to know about this and will be able to offer support for your DS.