Secondary school help! My son hates it, being sick.

[MakeMineALarge1]

Before I start, I know he has to go, I am not pandering to him.

My son (11 end of August) has gone to a different school to all his friends, I am regretting this already, however he does know people on the bus and doesn't mind getting the bus.

He went to school happy on day 1 and got given so many rules and regulations he came home frightened, being sick and crying.

We are now a week in, he is still being sick every morning, he hates it and I don't know what to do to help him. He isn't eating.

School are aware of this, they are giving him coping strategies, I just don't want other people seeing him as a victim and I don't want him to hate the next 5 years.

I know he has to go to school, I am not pandering to him, I am at a loss as to how to help him and to get him over this.

Please help me, help him.

It’s very normal although it doesn’t make it any easier when yours is the child who is struggling.

My DS went through this at the beginning of secondary and I found it immensely difficult.

I ended up going into the school but we spent a lot of time communicating and there weren’t any particular issues it was just the transition that was hard.

Is he going in by bus now? Is it different to when he was at primary? Remember that it’s not just about settling into the secondary environment but is also about everything that goes with that. The need for more independence, the sudden realisation that they’re out there on their own and making their way to school alone, sometimes some distance from home.

My DS had been walking to school on his own for around six months at the end of year6, but the school is a two minute walk from my house, far far different to the 25 minute bus journey he then had to make alone. And you can’t go with them because then you’re singling them out among their peers, iyswim.

Also, in y6 they’re used to being the bigger kids. Then they go to y7 and suddenly they’re tiny fish in a bloody Great Lake.

I wouldn’t even be thinking of moving him at this stage. And I wouldn’t make any promises of being able to move if he’s not happy, because there’s a chance that he won’t try then. If things genuinely don’t settle you can look into it, but all you should do for now is listen to him and communicate with him.

Good luck.

I was sent to boarding school age 11, I hated it when dad left me to return to germany(forces) after a week I made loads of friends, and with help found out all about the local activities, after school projects and took up hobbies. sport was a big thing. have you tried talking to him about the positives of a new school rather than discussing what is negative to him? I`m not a mum just trying to help with a difficult time in your childs life.From experience (7 yrs of my life) It happened to be the best time of my life. It wont be long before he realises what a great bunch of kids he has around him,and when he goes home at the end of the day he will realise he still has all his old mates.
just trying to help, THINK OF THE POSITIVES

First of all I would contact the school and pinpoint someone to work with. Possibly year head. See their responses and go in and chat (I always make them meet me in person rather than an call!) See how you feel after this and if you feel reassured or not.
I would be seeing how they dealt with it first and if I wasnt happy I would go to the head.

I would try those before moving him.

Also maybe go to doctor as they may have ideas for the anxiety.

Xx

Yes, that does sound like my DD with the fear of failure/making a mistake. The first time she got a mark on that darned card they carry round she sobbed in class. Three marks and you get a detention. I said it wouldn't worry us if she did get a detention, that Dad and I had detentions in school and that I thought a few of her classmates would rack them up as time went by (they did, 'loads' was her comment).

She's not had a detention yet, now in year 8. Conversely, because she is one of the 'blend in' pupils she doesn't get many reward points either although she did get invited to one of the school's celebration events at break for volunteering.

Was his primary school a small school? I ask because we had this happen with our son. He went from a school of 200 children into a school with year 7 having more than 200 children in it. He also was an August baby and I truly think he could have done going to school a year later. He settled in slowly and eventually loved it. Really good luck to you and your son, it’s awful to see them so upset.

Oh, one other thing that I would say is that although she did better with the transition than I was expecting she did find it so tiring that she needed a lot more rest after school. She opted not to take any examinations in after-school activities that she would normally have done, for instance, because (in her words) she didn't want the pressure. So may need to scale back on other stuff while they are using their energy to cope with school.

You have to give this a chance to settle down. It’s normal to be anxious at the start of secondary school. Take him out for a McDonalds, go for walks in the evening, help him with his organisation and homework, talk to him, feed him lots of his favourite desserts and make sure he is getting enough sleep. He’ll come round.

Don’t even mention moving schools to him until you’re certain the other school has a space at the time you need it. I’m sure you know it’s not just a question of moving him - in the state system you have to go through admissions and if the other school has a waiting list he may not be at the top.

Oh bless him. It won't just be him by a very long way.

I wish I could tell him all the things I forgot at secondary school! I was hopeless. It wasn't a big deal at all but it feels huge if you're a super conscientious 11 year old.

Is he a perfectionist generally? It sounds like he has really high expectations for himself.

My dd was the same when she started secondary school. It's a big change from primary and takes a while to adapt.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things, checking bag etc, took us a while before she was happy to do this on her own. She was also scared of 'strict' teachers and getting into trouble - she never had before, asked her if she was intending to rebel any time soon, no, then you'll be fine. She was, but it took a while.
Agree best to talk to school - good luck

Moving him to be with his old friends may work or can be another disaster. DD was split from girls she got along with when moving to secondary and she never sees them or interact with them again unless they are in the same lunch/after school club. Her school has 240 girls per year, they do make new friends soon.

I would meet, without your son, with his form tutor, head of year and pastoral support and work out a strategy. He is not the first one with these problems. Maybe a simple talk and explanations about detentions or rules can already help. DD was terrified of getting on, everyone made a huge issue out of it beforehand but most will get one and manage.

DD got a massive 90 minutes detention for breaking a rule which in my opinion was nonsense and overreacting (not that we said it to her) but she did it, survived and carried on. She had 10 minute detentions for forgetting a book and learned from it. She is a big worrier and has anxiety issues but knowing rules and surviving the first consequences actually made it easier for her to handle the whole rule sets and expectations.

You could help by looking at his timetable and supervising his packing his bag, checking his planner for any odd bits if money needed etc.
Are you sure he hasnt seen something that upset him. My dd1 went to a g&t day at a local school in y5. Fully expected her to come back saying she wanted to go but she didnt. A few years later it emerged she'd witnessed a fight.

I wouldn’t move him for the reason that his friends have gone to another school. Three of my very best friends went to the same secondary school as myself. Within two weeks, each of us had made our own friends and within 4-6 months, we drifted apart and spoke to each other rarely.

Just to add to the support, I've just spoken to another Y7 parent who says I'm so lucky as my DD is settling in so well. This is what people see when she walks in and out of school, however we've had tears every night and she is really struggling.
We've told her to fake it till she makes it but please tell your son that so many feel the same.

We're having a bumpy start too. Not as bad as for you & your son, but it has upset me as well as my child. I haven't read all of the replies (sorry), but just wanted to link you to these articles. I have found them extremely helpful. The bottom two links, that are from the same site, are especially good I think - extremely accessible for both parent and child.

www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/is-your-child-anxious-about-starting-secondary-school-1.3175517

universalmindfulness.co.uk/back-school-anxiety/

www.heysigmund.com/how-to-deal-with-school-anxiety-no-more-distressing-goodbyes/

www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/

Move him to the other school - exact same thing happened to me some years ago. Best decision. Secondary school is horrible.

Thank you for all your lovely messages of support.

I am in touch with the HOY etc, I am being positive and have no intention of moving him - not saying its not an option in the future - but part of his problem is worrying about rules/forgetting things/detention, none of which would be solved by moving.

Its as if he almost needs to go through it to understand its not as bad as he thinks.

LolaSmiles I agree totally. I am sorry you are going through this OP. You are exactly where we were 2 years ago. We thought about moving DS but didn’t as we realised that wasn’t the issue. It was the massive change which was the problem. Terrified of breaking rules, getting lost and being late for class, getting detention the list goes on! Counselling in school, plenty of talking and reassurance at home and things got better but it took a very long time.

Try not to worry too much OP, it's only been, what, a week?

Ds1 went to a school we thought would suit him (v STEM /tech orientated) rather than our local secondary, so he knew no one at first. He was also unhappy and withdrawn for the first few weeks (reg in tears for the first 2). By half term he wasn't miserable but hadn't really made proper friends. After Christmas things were much better, he was settled and new friendship groups were forming (not just for him but for all the students, inc the ones that had been clinging to primary friendship groups the previous term). Summer term he quite liked but he didnt really enjoy school til Y8. Now he really likes it, esp for all the reasons we picked it in the first place.

He's just had his first ever detention this week (Y9) and was quite philosophical about it, rather than terrified as he was 2 years ago. He forgot his book. It happens. In general, despite the strictness, it's pretty easy to keep out of trouble.

Tell your ds what he's feeling is normal and it will pass.

It sort of is, if this is a school that always fills up on first preferences alone.

I know this won't help tthe OP now but this myth needs to be squashed once and for all.

If a school has two places left and one parent put it down as 1st preference but lives 3 miles away and the other parent put it down as 3rd preference but lives 2 miles away (assuming the tie break is distance not siblings etc) the 3rd preference child will get the place UNLESS they also meet the criteria for their 1st or 2nd preference school.

Yes but on the other hand, if you put your preferred school second and are offered your first choice, then you won't get a place at your preferred school will you? Third place is for your backstop option, not something you actually want.

If a school has two places left and one parent put it down as 1st preference but lives 3 miles away and the other parent put it down as 3rd preference but lives 2 miles away (assuming the tie break is distance not siblings etc) the 3rd preference child will get the place UNLESS they also meet the criteria for their 1st or 2nd preference school.

Ahhhh. But surely then still best to put as first preference?

There are 2 schools to us, one with not a great reputation, the other with a better reputation we may not have got into due to our address. Also if we didn't put the CofE one down first, you are automatically not given a place.

This statement implies that if the OP had put the school "with the better reputation we may not have got into due to our address" down as first preference then should they be refused a place at that school due to where they iive they would automatically have been refused a place at the C of E school just for putting it down as second preference.

You should ALWAYS put school choices down on the form in the genuine order of preference. The school you want the most, put down as first choice.

I went to a different secondary school to most of my friends for the exact same reasons you mentioned. I hung around with the couple of people who had gone to my school, but we weren’t really friends and it was lonely at first. I settled in eventually and managed to collect a few friends over time (despite being a shy child) and had a good group of friends by second year. These things take time and I think you’re right to get him to stick with the school for now but I hope you can get him some additional help in the meantime, bless him

I sympathise with your DS, OP. I went through similar aged 9 (my area changed schools early), went from a school of circa 150 pupils to one of approx 400. Only four of us moved to that particular school and I was in a class where I didn't know anyone. I was a shy child; it was scary and what seemed like a monumental change. With hindsight, I know my mum was very supportive (although it probably didn't seem like it at the time!), encouraged me to go and enlisted the support of staff to keep an eye. I settled after a bit of time, probably a few months, as I made new friends, but it was a tough time. Can't really offer any advice, other than to just be there, listen, take his concerns seriously but don't let him get in the habit of thinking you'll jump every time he 'feels sick'. I feel for him, though - and you. It must be tough watching your youngsters struggle with the process of growing up (which this is, ultimately). Sending hugs, OP, for both of you.