AIBU to think my MIL was out of line?!

[Crimsonpetalandthewhite]

I usually have a great relationship with my MIL, but she made a comment tonight that has really got my back up.

So not to drip feed, we are having a baby boy whose due in 2 weeks, whose first name has been settled in stone since the moment we knew he was a boy. MIL at the time shared quite openly how she hated it etc, but was told by my partner how he was our son and we would name him whatever we chose. Nothing more said. However his middle name hasn’t been easy to settle on for one reason or another, but we have finally agreed. The name we have chosen is actually my mothers surname. My mum isn’t married, and the name would die with her, and she has always expressed she’d love for the name to be carried on, and it seems fitting to me as she’s my best friend and it’s a lovely way to honour her. My partner agreed and that was that.

MIL texted me today asking whether we had picked a middle name yet, so I replied saying yes we did now we had agreed and told her what it was. Instantly I knew she wasn’t happy because she texted back with no kisses, just simply isn’t that a surname? I said yes, explained why I wanted it (not that I should have to justify myself) and she didn’t reply. It’s been radio silence since. Has read the reply but has chosen to ignore me.

Partner comes home from work around an hour ago and said he’s had a massive argument with his mum, about how she has rung ranting how she hates it, it’s a surname, it’s all my family names, and is he being bullied into picking names? Now that’s the comment that got me, is he being bullied? AIBU to think how fucking dare she? He is our son, and we have made decisions together. To say he’s being bullied into picking names has really riled me, especially since it’s such an important family orientated thing for me. It makes me wonder what sort of character she presumes I have. Maybe it’s the hormones from being 38 weeks pregnant but I want to text her a big fat fuck you, but I know that wouldn’t be fair on my partner as he’s stuck in the middle.

What would you do? If I’m being irrational I apologise. But it’s really annoyed/upset me.

People who think they have the right to stick their nose in with what you call YOUR baby really piss me off.

I'm sure the name is absolutely lovely. Don't take any notice of her, and if she thinks she's bullying her son then I would suggest she have that conversation to your face instead of hiding behind a phone, because she can't go round saying shit like that.

I am so jealous of people who have good relationships with their in laws, because all I ever find is that they're pains in the backside.

With someone like that, the best way to torture her is not to engage. "I don't care to discuss that topic." "Let's speak of other things." "If that's what you want to talk about, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get off the phone." I have a fifty percent rule. If my relatives are more than fifty percent unenjoyable, I end the conversation. I have told them that this is my rule. Because they have wayyyyyyy crossed that line too many times. Now we have very nice conversations. Apparently, you and your husband need to train this nasty lady how to speak more pleasantly, because right now she is not an asset to your life.

Always remember, the mother's mitochondrial DNA is passed unchanged down the line. When PiL fuss about their family names, you can smugly recall that every cell in your baby's body is labelled by you.

That's how they proved the bones from the Leicester car park were those of Richard III. The last descendant (from Richard's sister's line) is male, so the DNA dies with him, but he got it from his mother!

Interesting nearlygranny l didn't know that. So does that only happen in unbroken lines of girls as my ds has two dds and my dd only has sons so does that mean my genes haven't gone beyond them to the next generation or only in part. Or am l being spectacularly dim here sorry.

Don’t stress yourself out arguing over names. It is your and DH’s choice, and she is being an arse. Ignore, and don’t engage.

But learn for next time why people don’t share names with others before babies are born!

Just playing devil's advocate here but your DP wouldn't have indicated in any way the only reason for the middle name is to keep you happy and implied he didn't like it ?
Otherwise, just ignore her or tell her to but out.
Don't waste energy getting upset - focus on your own little family. She'll be the one missing out in the end as it will colour your relationship with her and if she continues in this fashion is unlikely to see your child much.

OH,, DASH all the MIL'S who are like this. they have issues only known to themselves. so just ignore what they think or say. It's just a spoiler of family unity when people are like this. It's your baby. with only the names that you like and choose. full stop.

The bullying comment is odd. It’s impossible to say whether she’s wrong or not as we don’t know either of you and only have your version OP.

Maybe she has reason to form this opinion or maybe she doesn’t. Nobody knows that only the two of you.

You and dh have agreed on the names. End of.
Me and xdh agreed on a name when DS was expected.
Mil gasped saying it's a surname. I stood by my ground in fact it reinforced the choice. Exdh did wobble about the name when DS was born but there was no turning back for me. We did actually have an argument about it in the hospital and the day ds was born but I wouldn't back down.
Good luck

She was very seriously out of order, and nasty.

Has she ever shown any inkling if that kind of behaviour at all?

She has blown her cover and as PPs have said, you can guard your boundaries now.

Yanbu - it’s your baby and you choose but don’t tell anyone the name until baby arrives to avoid these conversations. Good luck in your last few weeks!

It makes me wonder what sort of character she presumes I have

One like hers. That's it. She's a manipulative controller, she assumes everyone else is either a controller or someone who can be controlled, like her son - she probably gave him grief about every single decision he ever made when he loved in her house, now she thinks he's just swapped one boss for another.

My dh picked my dd's name. My mum didn't like it but didn't kick up a fuss. It is a Scottish name, her dad is a Scot, it is also Arabic and has a wonderful meaning in both Gaelic and Arabic. it suits her.

I had a name I always wanted for a son when he was born in laws caused an almighty ruckus that the name was 'too big' for my son and would cause him harm. I agonised over it and caved naming him something else which does suit him however if we do have another son I want the original name unless it doesn't suit him. If we have another daughter dh is keen on Aria having now become a GOT convert.

Point is you absolutely have the right to name your baby whatever you want as a couple. Your parents, in laws all had their chance. Mil needs to not get so caught up in name drama and should just be looking forward to her grandchilds arrival. Keep baby names private in future as you may change the name when baby is born. Wishing you well for the last few weeks of your pregnancy x

The irony here is that the only person being a bully about the name (ie throwing tantrums to get their own way) is the MIL!

OP, your MIL has been rude and overbearing but she has lost the battle.

I kept my surname when I married which was not common in the seventies, and, eight years later, when we had children we gave them my surname as a second middle name. My DH’s parents were angry but it proved to be a flash in the pan and they got over it.

Thirty years later my DD has just married. She had her father’s surname and, to compromise both newly married children have changed their name by deed poll to ‘first name, middle name, her surname, his surname’. She has dropped my surname entirely as a middle name and even changed the name with which she was Christened to its shortened version.

We, her parents, have said, ‘that’s fine, do what you want.’ His parents have been cross and disapproving.

We have come across as reasonable as, after all, when the system of patronymics breaks down you cannot keep endlessly adding extra surnames, and you have to respect that. It is also perfectly reasonable to expect that someone who has suffered for nine months to produce a small person gets first dibs on what they are called.

The thing to take out of all this is that the DH is onside against his interfering parents. I have heard of cases where they were still under MIL’s thumb, and then you have got trouble.

Be strong! Go with your name ideas as he's your baby
I also have a story ...
My own mum phoned me in my hospital bed not long after DD was born (first, longed for baby after multiple miscarriages) and instead of seeing if I was ok and being ... well... nice! .... she just said 'well am ALLOWED to know the name now' (this was after months of her leaving her reams of name ideas on my voicemail - I said yes it's Tabitha ... she said WHAT! ... what about Isabelle? (Never an option, in fact DH ex girlfriends name!) she hung up, rang Up half hour later saying 'your dad, Grandad, stepdad and uncle all hate the name too - we're all going to call her Beth' ... then she phoned my DH at home by this point and tried to bully him too

I made it VEEY clear to my dad she was never to be called beth as I hated the name.

Three months later I got a phone message asking if we'd change her middle name (named after my own mother) to Pascale as she didn't like her name .... I ignored that phone message completely!

Mum never came around to the name, 3.5 years later when DS was born (again multiple miscarriages) she said that time 'ah, great, we like that name'

She's dead now but bloody hell talk about bursting your balloon 😔

FWIW DD loves her name 😉

@maggiecate it's a Scottish thing. Quite unusual south of the border.

It's the surname I'd be rethinking tbh. It has practical consequences, unlike the middle name.

It’s quite common to give a surname for a middle name. My mums middle name is her mums maiden name

someone I know gave their DS their mothers maiden name as a middle name, no one on either side of her and her DP’s family gave two hoots about it.

Your MIL, has shown you who she truly is.

Name your baby what you like. Use the names you and DP have chosen.

If MIL says anything else then you both very firmly tell her to butt out. Stop oversharing with her though. She didn't need to know the name choices and was looking for something to latch onto to control and criticise. By involving her in your name choices you provided her with that. It needs to be a fait accompli. Too late this time now, but remember it going forward.

Your baby = your names. She needs to be told to keep her nose out, then ideally she won't escalate into what you dress the baby, his nap routine, which school he goes to etc.The bullying comment is just her projecting, she's the one doing the bullying

My mother in law and sil physically burst out laughing when we told them what we were calling our daughter. Didn’t hear the end of it for ages. We didn’t really care cps we didnt get on with her anyway but she’s named after my late auntie and I just though ugh, how absolutely rude. It was just a snippet of what she’s done since and now we have a non mol order against her :)

Fwiw it’s not even an out there name!! My aunt was German so it’s a German name but not exactly rare in the uk!

If you and DP aren't married, please give the baby your surname - otherwise it's a complete pain in the proverbial when travelling, not to mention the fact that you won't have the same name as your own son.

(I'm not being judgy about not being married btw, I've just read far too many stories on here where this has gone wrong)