AIBU to think my MIL was out of line?!

[Crimsonpetalandthewhite]

I usually have a great relationship with my MIL, but she made a comment tonight that has really got my back up.

So not to drip feed, we are having a baby boy whose due in 2 weeks, whose first name has been settled in stone since the moment we knew he was a boy. MIL at the time shared quite openly how she hated it etc, but was told by my partner how he was our son and we would name him whatever we chose. Nothing more said. However his middle name hasn’t been easy to settle on for one reason or another, but we have finally agreed. The name we have chosen is actually my mothers surname. My mum isn’t married, and the name would die with her, and she has always expressed she’d love for the name to be carried on, and it seems fitting to me as she’s my best friend and it’s a lovely way to honour her. My partner agreed and that was that.

MIL texted me today asking whether we had picked a middle name yet, so I replied saying yes we did now we had agreed and told her what it was. Instantly I knew she wasn’t happy because she texted back with no kisses, just simply isn’t that a surname? I said yes, explained why I wanted it (not that I should have to justify myself) and she didn’t reply. It’s been radio silence since. Has read the reply but has chosen to ignore me.

Partner comes home from work around an hour ago and said he’s had a massive argument with his mum, about how she has rung ranting how she hates it, it’s a surname, it’s all my family names, and is he being bullied into picking names? Now that’s the comment that got me, is he being bullied? AIBU to think how fucking dare she? He is our son, and we have made decisions together. To say he’s being bullied into picking names has really riled me, especially since it’s such an important family orientated thing for me. It makes me wonder what sort of character she presumes I have. Maybe it’s the hormones from being 38 weeks pregnant but I want to text her a big fat fuck you, but I know that wouldn’t be fair on my partner as he’s stuck in the middle.

What would you do? If I’m being irrational I apologise. But it’s really annoyed/upset me.

tillytrotter1 are you the MIL? I think we knew what she meant i.e. HER son not MIL's

Having a surname as a middle name isn’t that unusual - my brother’s middle name is my mum’s maiden name, and mum’s middle name is her grandmother’s maiden name. Several families I know have similar. Unless it’s a Scottish thing????

Are both the names that you have chosen for your son from your side of the family, OP? Is that what she's bothered about - is the first name your dad's name?

Well, my Granddaughter decided to poke her head out of my DDs vagina in the toilet on Fern ward. I wanted her to be called Fern Louise, to be shortened to Fern Loo! As my DD and DSIL did not agree to this, then no other Grandparent should get a say!

Most of the above is true, but not me being snotty about it. It was suggested as a joke.

I got to name my DC, they get to name theirs. I didn't even tell them what I was calling them until they were born!

tillytrotter1 are you the MIL? I think we knew what she meant i.e. HER son not MIL's

No, but you too seem to be perpetuating the myth that a baby is 'her's' not 'their's', but I do realise that the MN philosopy is the the mother is the superior parent for merely giving birth.

Op, totally ignore and don't engage with MIL on this topic, at all. It's a decision solely for you and your DP. It's neither here nor there whether your wee boy's middle name is a surname or not, you have very good reasons for choosing it, and that's all that matters. For what it is worth, some families, including mine down my Mum's side, always included the Mother's maiden name as the, or one of the, middle name(s), which is a way of being able to trace your ancestry and also as you say, keeps these surnames alive, and I think it's lovely way to honour the Mums. Me and my siblings all have a forename, and two middle names, the second middle one being our Mum's maiden name, then our surname, and we love having that direct connection to her. Unfortunately I never managed to have any children, but if I had, they would definitely have had my maiden name as one of their middle names. My brothers, who all have children, have kept the tradition going, and my nieces and nephews love telling people the story of their middle names, so I wouldn't be surprised if they keep the tradition up whenever they come to have wee ones of their own.
Breathe and let this one go, don't engage with your MIL on this subject anymore and let it go out of your head. This is the time for resting up as much as you can, ready for your wee one's arrival. Once he is here and everyone has just fallen in love with him and are totally smitten, it will no longer matter, and everyone will be saying just how much his name (full name) suits him just perfectly.

@tillytrotter1 Did you miss where the OP said more than once she and her partner were making the decisions regarding their son 50/50? Have another read of the OP's posts.

I’d go low to no-contact with her. She sounds unhinged!

You have previously had a good relationship with MIL because you haven't had anything important to disagree about. Now you're having a baby she's showing her colours. She clearly has a warped idea of the amount of control and influence she is entitled to in your parenting.

I recommend you see this ridiculous reaction on her part as an opportunity to set clear boundaries and manage her expectations about your children.

I disagree with PPs telling you to ignore her. I think you and DH need to pick this battle to save others down the road.

DH needs to tell her to stick her beak out. You and he are raising this child together, you will not be parenting via committee and MIL doesn't get a vote. She is way out of line. She has no business getting involved in your decisions as parents. She has no business insulting you by calling you a bully or by speculating on the dynamics of your marriage. DH needs to get cross with her and ram this message home now.

You need to get out of the habit of discussing your choices with her beforehand, or providing reasons and trying to convince her. You and DH need to send a clear & consistent message : You and he are a team and these are your choices.

Cut off this behaviour now or she will continue to expect a say in all your choices.

YANBU. There is only one person attempting to bully and that's her, so given she will try it it's not surprising she'd accuse others of it. What did your DP say?

I had my maiden name as DS1 middle name and MIL maiden name for ds2 middle name

Who's surname will he have?

@ChicCroissant Not at all. His first name is just a name we both loved, followed by my mothers maiden name as his middle, and then his last name. I really don't see how she can say it's all my family heritage/names?

If he's having his father's surname then your MIL needs to absolutely do one.

*mothers surname not maiden name.

My dad whinged a bit about choice of names, until my mum snapped at him that no one told him what names to choose for his children so why was he trying to do it to anyone else. He shut up after that. Basically, your baby, your choice

stop texting on emotional topics, call instead.
Not saying she is right, but If she had heard your voice, tone etc it might have been different.
I never text emotional stuff for this reason.

My baby DGD has three first names the first being my ds and ddils choice and a very personal choice concerning circumstances around her birth which wasn't a family name from either side. Second name was after ils mum and third name after her dgm who died recently and never met her. I don't even share a surname with her as l have remarried so now have different surname to my ds and his wife and now my DGD. So four names in total and l don't get a look in. I must admit l would've been delighted had they given her even a middle name after me or my recently passed mum and dad (my dad had a name that has a female version) who never met her. But l couldn't care less now and l know l am her paternal grandmother and l don't need to share a name with her to feel any closer to her than l do.

@Crimsonpetalandthewhite you're kidding? This baby is having his father's surname, not yours, and this yet woman is bleating that it is too much in your favour?!?!?!

What a loon she is.

I'm totally French on this subject: c'est la mama qui décide! If you carry the child and bring it into the world, you get to name it. Ideally you discuss with your DP, of course, and agree, but if push comes to shove, you choose.

For most women, the child will carry its father's family name. That leaves the rest to mothers.

For family beyond the baby's parents, the only acceptable response or statement is, "Whatever you decide is sure to be perfect!" And, when you hear the choice, "How lovely!" whatever you might think.
t
There is the obvious and only exception for a family with a multi-billion inheritance which can legally be handed down only to someone named Hezekiah* . That trumps all the above!

• This was my paternal grandfather's actual name. He went by Harry all his life. Sadly, no inheritance was involved. It was 1879 and nobody now knows why he was lumbered.

She's just looking out for her baby.

... second name after dils mum... that should've read.

Why on earth did you share names before the baby arrived? We never found out the sex of our children but we didn't even share names we liked either time. My mil once spent about 2 hours quizzing me when I was having our first child and kept suggesting names. I just kept going yeah that's a nice name isn't it, to everything.

I never asked for anyone's opinion, nor did my husband. As it happens our children are named after members of my family, partly we just really loved their traditional names but also it was a nice thing to do. Our children have my husband's surname, so given my husband wouldn't agree to a double barrelled name having my grandparent's names in their names is a nice way to remember them.

Never share baby names when pregnant!

The name isn't the point. Of course you and DH get to name your own son.

It's the MIL's complete lack of boundaries and her willingness to cast aspersions on your relationship and your character when she doesn't get her way.

If you let her think this is acceptable then you will be dealing with the same attitude about breastfeeding, religion, weaning, childcare, schools, how you spend Christmas etc etc etc.

Shut. It. Down.

I speak from personal experience.

Oh Christ @tillytrotter1 - she obviously means her and her husbands son! She's talking to the thread so it's her son.

Calm the fuck down. Bet you're the old bat!!!