To hope that grandparent would look after DC1 on day of birth of DC2

[AquaFaba]

Apols for what may be a hormonal and upset rant.

I will be having DC2 in 2 weeks time. Due to various complications, this will be (another) c section.

I’m currently arranging childcare so that DC1 has continuity of care while I’m not in a position to do nursery drop off and pick ups, not just for DH’s week of paternity leave, but for 6 weeks after.

I have that all arranged - DC1 attends nursery 3 mornings a week and I’ve now confirmed someone to do drop offs and pickups. So, that’s good.

My issue is what to do on the afternoon and early evening of the day of the birth of DC2.
I am expected at hospital at 7:30am that day and DH will be with me.

DC1 will be collected and taken to nursery in the morning and then collected and brought back home shortly after 1pm.
Who to do the looking after that afternoon and evening? Morning help can’t work that afternoon as she works for another family, and DH will be with me at hospital.

I don’t have a great relationship with my Mother. She’s retired, but has not really expressed any interest in DC1 beyond days out with us or photo opportunity situations.
No suggestions to babysit or ‘help out’.
I’ve never asked for help - just accepted this is the way it is.
It’s upsetting, particularly as she lives only an hour away.

I spoke with her this morning and we broached the issue of help that I had organised for DC1. I explained that I’d managed to confirm the help needed for drop offs and pick ups and that the only thing I needed to organise was help to look after DC1 for the afternoon/evening while DH and I were in hospital for birth of DC2.

I was really hoping that she might offer to do that handover help...but nothing was forthcoming.

The reality is I’m just going to have to get a second babysitter in - and fine, that’s ok.

But I’m sad that I have to resort to this, of all days.

I do see the logic in asking DM directly, I really do. It’s a self protection thing - if I ask directly that is even worse when she says no.

I understand this, I really do. Maybe be really honest and tell her that too?

"I wanted to ask you but I was worried you'd say no, and then I'd feel hurt and let down. But for the sake of DC1 who really would be better off with family as he might be feeling anxious/left out/unsure about the arrival of a new sibling, I am asking. Can you help?"

I don’t think I know anyone who wouldn’t look after a child in these circumstances, I’m thinking other nursery mums, neighbours, friends. When it’s this kind of situation, it’s not an imposition. I would gladly have any child, even of a mum I barely knew, when it was because of this. Ask people you wouldn’t dream of asking, I bet someone will help out.

I'm not being funny why can't your husband do it? My mums similar to yours. When I had my 4th by c-section, I got myself booked into the hospital, while my husband got the oldest onto his bus, then he met me at the hospital in time for my section. My mum dropped the other 2 at nursery and school. My husband was back home to pick all the kids up, feed them etc. I was on my own then till i came home the next day. Its doable, yes your on your own rest of the day, but he's there with you for the important bit, the birth. Plus by the sounds if it, your elder child is in nursery the next day, so you won't be totally on your own.

I'm not being funny why can't your husband do it?

Because the vast majority of women want their husbands there. Seems absolutely ridiculously for the op not to have the support she wants during childbirth due to childcare issues when there's a healthy, available grandparent around.

If you don’t have any friends you could ask for this sort of favour - and even people you feel you don’t know ‘well enough’ to ask would almost certainly surprise you and say yes, I know I would - then your options are

1. give birth alone
2. ask your mother directly and deal with answer
3. hire a nanny

If there is another option eg a babysitter then I would go with that personally. She knows the situation and hasn’t come forward to offer help so it plainly obvious she doesn’t want to do it. Pretty piss poor imo but some people aren’t willing to help their family out and there’s not a lot you can do.

For the love of god, I’d be very happy to mind a child in those circumstances for pretty much anyone: friend, family, neighbour or acquaintance. It’a very little effort to really help someone out. If your own mother doesn’t step up, I’m afraid it says a lot about her as a human being. I’d be looking to disengage.

Remember this though op when she gets more elderly and needs your help

Have you got friends or neighbours you can ask? I would have done it in a heartbeat and knew there were people that would do it for my toddler. We very nearly needed to do an emergency call to neighbours as my labour progressed faster than expected and grandparents were still travelling. It is always worth having a backup even if you do have childcare sorted.

I do get the disappointment. My in-laws are brilliant but my parents aren’t. They are older but never offer re childcare and rarely travel to us.

Formerbabe I meant after the c section. A lot of women have to go through labour and birth or a c section with no support at all bar midwives. My husband was there for the last twos c-section then home in time for school pick up, tea etc, this was including after one them wasn't well after the c-section. I had some lovely midwives who knew I was on my own and helped. Lots of women do it this way. Met quite a few over the course of several c-sections. You do what's the best for your kids, not just yourself.

I’ve had close to zero help from either set of grandparents. Some people are just not that interested, and very selfish, alas.

OP, I live in the Midlands and can offer to help you out if you are anywhere near to me. I am foster carer and qualified teacher and DBS certified. I have spent all of my working life working with children and I like them, even the naughty ones.

Your mother absolutely should have offered. It's quite a big life event surely, her DD giving birth? The fact you don't want to ask directly speaks volumes for what kind of mother she is, a disgrace!

My mother offered to travel down to have my older 3 when I had my youngest. We could have got someone from DH's side who lived closer so didn't need her. It was a planned induction and I had to be at the hospital in the afternoon so she was on her way apparently before I left with DH, and DC as visiting time kicked in after the induction had been started.

She actually went incommunicado and never turned up. I spent my labour worrying she'd had a car accident! DH took DC home expecting she'd turn up and he'd come back but she didn't and he missed the birth. It was important to both DH and I that he was there after a previous traumatic birth where we knew DC2 was not going to survive afterwards. She knew that. She finally contacted me the next morning to say she and my stepfather were tired so they checked into a hotel 10 minutes away, they arrived before I'd even birth. She stayed for less than 30 minutes before leaving as my sister needed them to babysit. We're NC now but that was the tip of the iceberg for the reason why!

It's pure luck as to what kind of parents we're born to OP. Some of us get the shitty end of the stick. I'd not bother with her and find any other alternative.

If she didn't offer to care for her GC while her DD is at her most vulnerable and needs to know her other DC is safe while giving birth, she doesn't want to and I wouldn't want someone looking after my DC who didn't want to look after them.