To hope that grandparent would look after DC1 on day of birth of DC2

[AquaFaba]

Apols for what may be a hormonal and upset rant.

I will be having DC2 in 2 weeks time. Due to various complications, this will be (another) c section.

I’m currently arranging childcare so that DC1 has continuity of care while I’m not in a position to do nursery drop off and pick ups, not just for DH’s week of paternity leave, but for 6 weeks after.

I have that all arranged - DC1 attends nursery 3 mornings a week and I’ve now confirmed someone to do drop offs and pickups. So, that’s good.

My issue is what to do on the afternoon and early evening of the day of the birth of DC2.
I am expected at hospital at 7:30am that day and DH will be with me.

DC1 will be collected and taken to nursery in the morning and then collected and brought back home shortly after 1pm.
Who to do the looking after that afternoon and evening? Morning help can’t work that afternoon as she works for another family, and DH will be with me at hospital.

I don’t have a great relationship with my Mother. She’s retired, but has not really expressed any interest in DC1 beyond days out with us or photo opportunity situations.
No suggestions to babysit or ‘help out’.
I’ve never asked for help - just accepted this is the way it is.
It’s upsetting, particularly as she lives only an hour away.

I spoke with her this morning and we broached the issue of help that I had organised for DC1. I explained that I’d managed to confirm the help needed for drop offs and pick ups and that the only thing I needed to organise was help to look after DC1 for the afternoon/evening while DH and I were in hospital for birth of DC2.

I was really hoping that she might offer to do that handover help...but nothing was forthcoming.

The reality is I’m just going to have to get a second babysitter in - and fine, that’s ok.

But I’m sad that I have to resort to this, of all days.

What about your PILS?

You must ask her outright and give her the opportunity to either say yes or no. If it’s a no I’d also be very upset.

My PIL made a right old hooha about looking after DS1 on the day I was induced with DS2. I’ve never ever forgotten it. It’s particularly stuck in my throat over the years since they’ve become old and frail and VERY demanding.

Remind her you might be choosing her care home. Or maybe not but I would suggest that we need to be able to ask our families for help in a crisis and you may need to do the same for her one day.

I think i would call and say something like.

Listen - no expectation, but I was just about to book childcare for DC1 whilst I am at the hospital and it occurred to me that it's a big deal for them to and they might prefer to be with their grandma. If this doesn't work for you, that's fine, but I wanted to give you the option of offering. It's not about the money - I just like it would be nicer for DC1 to be with family rather than a stranger as his new sibling comes into the world.

Or something like that.

big deal for them *too

tsk

You should ask. It’s not something I’d volunteer for even for a niece or nephew as I’d assume that if I was wanted then I’d be asked. I don’t think you can be annoyed until you ask and she says no.

You really need to ask. Then if she says no you know. For sure.
Currently she might be wondering why she hasn’t been asked.
Or she might be totally unwilling in which case she should be made to say that honestly out loud.
Or she might be worried she’d be unable somehow, that your dc doesn’t like her or won’t behave for her or whatever.

Just ask. I get that you are disappointed that she didn't offer but it sounds as though you don't have a very good relationship anyway.

@Matilda. I assume that the comment about choosing the care home is a joke. If so, it is in very poor taste. Otherwise, it sounds like a particularly unpleasant form of bullying and blackmail.

I find this sort of thing very sad, I just can't imagine not wanting to be involved in my DDs/DGCs lives. I'd offer to do this for a neighbour who I hardly knew, if they were stuck, let alone family!

All our immediate family members live abroad, so when the time came, it was friends who stepped up. DD2 was due late Dec and nearby twin mum friend (she had 4 in total, including her twins a few months younger than ours) had offered to have our twins (then just 3) even if I went into labour Xmas Day. Which I did at 5am. We dropped them off around 08.30 and they were welcomed into a lovely multi-generational family Christmas Day celebration. Friend even had a tiny present wrapped and under the tree for each of mine so they would have something to unwrap and not feel left out.

DD 2 was born at lunchtime and DH picked the twins up late afternoon. They still remember that day.

How great was that?! I think I still owe her.

I wouldn't ask her, although I can see why people are saying you should. If she had ample opportunity to offer and didn't, she probably doesn't want to, and it doesn't sound like she has much of a bond with DC1 anyway.

I'd see if nursery can have her all day. That happened a lot when I worked in one! On two occasions, I took a child home with me after while their parents were at the hospital and they collected them later that evening, so you might be able to find care that way.

Otherwise, ask friends. I'd do it if I was asked, and I have no kids.

I'm guessing PILs are a no go?

Thanks for the feedback so far

• Nursery not an option for the afternoon as we are still new/settling in this month
• PIL not in a position to help as live further away and not in good health

The ideal person will look after DC1 from 1pm ish while he has his afternoon nap, pre tea play then tea at 5:45 and finally bath/bottle/book at 7pm asleep by 8pm.

I’d really like to have a non rushed afternoon with DC2 in hospital without worrying about getting back too much earlier than 8pm.

I do see the logic in asking DM directly, I really do. It’s a self protection thing - if I ask directly that is even worse when she says no.

Ask her .

Oh, and from my experience of having a cs with dc1, even though we got there at 7:30am, I wasn’t actually in theatre until 2pm....then in recovery bay til about 5, I think, and then on to ward.
I really want DH with me that day without having to stress about rushing home.

Definitely ask outright. As many pp have said, she may well be waiting to be asked, and if she is going to refuse then she can squirm whilst refusing out loud.
FWIW my sister had my DC1 when DC2 was born, and whilst we are close and have an uncomplicated relationship, I did very explicitly ask her! Waiting for an offer seems unusual IMO.

I would also think about friends you might ask - I would 100% take time off work to help out a friend in this situation, even as a single parent of two smallish kids myself. Don’t discount people as unable or unwilling to help - they might surprise you. (I have found generic requests via Facebook quite useful for this before - ‘is anyone able to help out by looking after DC on this day/ this time, ideally you would pick up at x time and do xyz...’)

Can you look at hiring a nanny? If you have time to sort one she/he could be on hand and even stay longer or overnight if needed. Sometimes it's just better to pay someone than rely on those who don't want to be relayed on

I would set up some paid professional help - nursery (How old is DC1? Have they said they won't have him or are you just worrying about him, which might be natural but probably unnecessary), nursery staff who do out of hours extras, babysitter. Or a friend.

Then ask your mum. She may rise to the occasion but if you have a practical solution in place already, if she doesn't it won't feel like a crisis.

I really can't see any alternative to just asking her outright, although I understand your reluctance because I too have parents who have often been reluctant to help out and who have definitely wanted to be the hands off and at arm's length type of grandparents. To be fair, my mother did come to our house and look after older children while I was in hospital having younger ones. They did also look after all three once when I needed to have surgery, but other than that they have always been very vocal about the fact that they do not want to be asked to look after grandchildren.

I know what it is like to have a perfectly reasonable request for help rebuffed. I had that too in the run up to FIL's funeral. MIL had expressed a preference that the kids did not go as they were very young at the time. I had nobody but my parents to ask because everyone else I could have had was going to the funeral. I knew they would refuse, but MIL thought surely they would be reasonable and pressed me to ask them so I had no choice but to call them from her house, feeling like a lamb to the slaughter. They flat out refused. I was mortified even though I had been expecting it and had tried to warn MIL that it might happen. MIL was shocked and upset, on top of having just lost her husband.

So I understand your reluctance, but ultimately the only way you will get your definitive answer will be to ask directly. Hope that she might agree, but be prepared for her to say no and then try to plan something else.

The key to getting favours from people is making it a win win situation for you and them.

I would be gutted if anyone - friend or family - felt they needed to follow the above advice, before asking me for a favour. It's what you do, if you're a decent person!

Where in the country are you OP - wondering if any local MNer may have some suggestions?

I’ll be honest. DH looked after DD while I was having DS. It wasn’t necessary for him to be there, he’d done his bit, delivering the baby was down to me and my midwife. He and DD took me to the hospital (we did have to get her out of bed for that) and then once I was settled and my midwife arrived (tricky medical stuff so had to have a designated midwifery team) they went back to bed so were nicely rested by the time DS arrived.

My own parents are dead but my mil is totally disinterested.

I think it's absolutely awful how some people won't help their family in a situation like that.

Your mother is a disgrace

I wouldn't ask her, it sounds as though you will feel very down if she says no. I am no longer in contact with my mum but when I was, she would never offer to help out and I was made to feel guilty for asking. It made me feel depressed, not having a mum that was interested when others around me did really affected me. Get a babysitter arranged, it's simpler and you won't be left feeling down at a time that should be happy and exciting.

Your mother is a disgrace

This is a woman whose only crime so far is to not immediately jump in and offer?

I think I get it, because my own mother has sometimes been quite pointed about not helping and it feels like a kick in the teeth, but tbh i think it’s also plausible that the mother here is hearing her daughter say ‘well I’ve got 99% of it all covered and I don’t need you ’ which is a fairly hurtful message. It might well be totally justified after years of failing to be supportive, it might not, it might be tied up with all sorts of other things like not feeling confident to care for grandchildren or feeling that her adult daughter is too restrictive in her expectations of how a child is cared for by others etc etc - none of us know that for sure. Seems like a massive leap to go straight to ‘your mother is a disgrace’!

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair

I'm not the kind of person who thinks grandparents should provide full time childcare...or babysit constantly but seriously, your DD giving birth and you don't think to offer to watch your grandchild for a few hours?! Yes, that's disgraceful...I'd do that for anyone I knew.

@formerbabe, I’d do it for anyone too (I’ve already said so), but I think there’s a huge difference between refusing and just not offering. For all you or I know she might be fretting about seeming overbearing or whatever.

Yes, I would offer if I was in the mother’s situation, but I’d also ask directly if I was in the daughter’s situation.