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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope that grandparent would look after DC1 on day of birth of DC2

88 replies

AquaFaba · 11/09/2019 11:38

Apols for what may be a hormonal and upset rant.

I will be having DC2 in 2 weeks time. Due to various complications, this will be (another) c section.

I’m currently arranging childcare so that DC1 has continuity of care while I’m not in a position to do nursery drop off and pick ups, not just for DH’s week of paternity leave, but for 6 weeks after.

I have that all arranged - DC1 attends nursery 3 mornings a week and I’ve now confirmed someone to do drop offs and pickups. So, that’s good.

My issue is what to do on the afternoon and early evening of the day of the birth of DC2.
I am expected at hospital at 7:30am that day and DH will be with me.

DC1 will be collected and taken to nursery in the morning and then collected and brought back home shortly after 1pm.
Who to do the looking after that afternoon and evening? Morning help can’t work that afternoon as she works for another family, and DH will be with me at hospital.

I don’t have a great relationship with my Mother. She’s retired, but has not really expressed any interest in DC1 beyond days out with us or photo opportunity situations.
No suggestions to babysit or ‘help out’.
I’ve never asked for help - just accepted this is the way it is.
It’s upsetting, particularly as she lives only an hour away.

I spoke with her this morning and we broached the issue of help that I had organised for DC1. I explained that I’d managed to confirm the help needed for drop offs and pick ups and that the only thing I needed to organise was help to look after DC1 for the afternoon/evening while DH and I were in hospital for birth of DC2.

I was really hoping that she might offer to do that handover help...but nothing was forthcoming.

The reality is I’m just going to have to get a second babysitter in - and fine, that’s ok.

But I’m sad that I have to resort to this, of all days.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 11/09/2019 12:19

3/4 of the problems on MN could be solved by people speaking directly to one another and actually saying what they mean clearly

This should be a banner headline on MN!

Just ask her outright. It's difficult being a grandparent - being sufficiently available to help while not being intrusive and pushy. Maybe she's awestruck at how well you cope and doesn't want to interfere. DD1 is a working single parent and manages everything so well. I'd love to help out more but just don't feel needed.

misspiggy19 · 11/09/2019 12:21

It would have surely been the right thing for her to do to offer but unfortunately she hasn't. I would ask her and see her reaction. It's not a big ask in my opinion.

^I agree with this

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/09/2019 12:25

Totally understandable that you feel sad OP. I would and still get upset when my mum lets me down as I feel she shouldn’t but she is a very selfish woman.

It’s ok to be sad about this. It’s hard to ask directly when you fear getting a response that is hurtful but her actions are anyway. I would ask her directly if no then arrange something else which I know sounds limited.

We don’t all have supportive parents and it hurts but we know we won’t be like them which is something that makes me feel better about it all.

Best of luck

Starlight456 · 11/09/2019 12:27

Well as you are currently struggling with it then ask directly.

You also might not like this but your dh can come home for 1. It might not be what you want but an option

Along with ask nursery to hold her later if open all day . Ask if there are nursery staff do babysitting after hours.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/09/2019 12:27

Gosh, I see where you are coming from, but you need to ask her. If she turns you down, then you can ask why she is so unhelpful and doesn't want to spend time her her grandchild. It's really not much to ask.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/09/2019 12:30

I actually wouldn't ask her. There have been a few threads recently where people have asked people who are reluctant grandparents and they have said yes only to let OP down at the very last minute (for interviews or weddings etc, not just a date night or something). I think if she said yes youd still be worried about it and would be looking into back ups anyway.

No siblings, MiL, friends etc that could help?

Would you be able to ask nursery or pre school if he could stay in that afternoon as a one off and if any of the teachers would look after him for an extra hour afterwards or something?

Juells · 11/09/2019 12:33

Gosh, I see where you are coming from, but you need to ask her.

Unfortunately, if the OP puts her on the spot she may say Yes, then back out later when the OP doesn't have time to arrange anything else.

Evilspiritgin · 11/09/2019 12:40

Are your dh parents around , is there any chance if they live away that they could come and help

BrokenWing · 11/09/2019 12:40

I would have said to my mum, "Mum, I need a HUGE favour from you! Could you take ds for me while I am in having dc2? We can get him to you whenever suits, and all going well if you like you can bring him up to meet his bro/sister and your new dgc later that evening?"

Unfortunately you've already broached the subject and been funny about it but not asking and she is going to feel she is 2nd/backup choice in your plans, but it is still worth a shot.

The key to getting favours from people is making it a win win situation for you and them.

ravenmum · 11/09/2019 12:49

If you're too scared to ask, or think she's unreliable, then get someone else in if you can afford it.

My mum doesn't get in touch much, I think it's partly because she feels inadequate or like she's not wanted. If you have that kind of feeling, maybe your mum is the same, too?

Drum2018 · 11/09/2019 12:55

Ask her. The worst she can do is say no. Then at least you'll know and don't have to spend more time wondering if she might help and feeling like shit because she didn't offer. Maybe she feels like she'd be intruding being at your house while you are in hospital and might not feel comfortable offering seeing as you never ask her for help.

MouseInATelescope · 11/09/2019 12:55

OP hugs I know how hard it is to ask directly sometimes so everyone just commanding you to do it is being unreasonable.

When I ask my mum directly sometimes I will get a tirade of abuse about how "I shouldnt have had kids if I couldn't manage and didn't know how hard it was going to be, back in her day she did it ALL herself" etc etc - it is just NOT worth it the slightest. I get worse if I ask ex's mum - omg it must be on her terms or you are asking the world of her. "WHY should I put MYSELF out like that for HER, I'M not just dropping everything, can you bloody BELIEVE her!!". (That's what I got for asking her to have my 7yr over night when my 3yr was in hospital after complications from surgery!!) I will never ask a favour again.

Sending love and really hope you get something sorted easily without the emotional kick in the guts xx

viques · 11/09/2019 12:57

It might be for the best, it doesn't sound as though your mother has ever cared for DC1 so having her suddenly pop into their life when things are disrupted and there's a new baby could be hard on DC1. I think your best bet is to find someone your child is familiar with and comfortable with to look after them for this time. You've done brilliantly to sort everything out as well as you can, I'm sure you can find someone to do it. Good luck with the new addition to your family.

Span1elsRock · 11/09/2019 12:59

We had similar OP and it's shit. My DH ended up at home with the kids apart from the actual hour I was in theatre with my last 2.

Can you try and find a nanny for a few days so your DC can stay home and keep to a familiar routine? Or try some local childminders who may be able to help you out for a few days. Hope all goes well Flowers

managedmis · 11/09/2019 13:00

To reiterate : you need to be blunt and ask her

HollowTalk · 11/09/2019 13:00

Although you have to be at the hospital early, presumably you won't have the operation immediately. Could your husband and DC take you to the hospital and then he could take her to nursery? I know it doesn't solve the afternoon problem but it would make the morning easier.

Can she stay in nursery all day, just for once?

Tonnerre · 11/09/2019 13:02

If she's never babysat your child before, now is probably not the best time for her to start.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/09/2019 13:09

I would ask the nursery if DC could stay all day that day in nursery. I also paid nursery staff to babysit, they were always keen, so potentially one of them could bring her home and settle her, until DH can get home to pick her up to visit, or take over.

Also, I would happily do that for any of my friends, do not be afraid to ask. I had 2 kids sleeping over for 3 days when a friend had a complicated third birth. I'd equally as happily have done shifts at their house.

I'd nor rely on a patently disinterested gp. It is hurtful, I know.

Beautiful3 · 11/09/2019 13:11

Ask her. If she says no then your husband and child will have to drop you into hospital, then he ll take her home to look after. We were in the same position as you. I know its hurtful. But at least if you ask, you know where you stand.

SantaIsReal · 11/09/2019 13:12

I was in a kind of similar situation 9 months ago! My mum (who I'm no longer in contact with) made a show about being at the hospital from my (second) section when really all I was worried about was my DS. Luckily I did have an option with my MIL to look after him, which she did so happily.
Although not ideal, far from it, but worst comes to worse, your DH will just have to look after of DC1.
Your recovery may surprise you with this section. I was back driving in just under 3 weeks and was able to take DS to nursery and do what I normally done just slower.

Chewbecca · 11/09/2019 13:15

I also think bite the bullet and ask outright.

Assume there are no other GPs, Aunts or Uncles in the family?

mcmooberry · 11/09/2019 13:16

Very,, very poor of her not to offer. Cannot imagine not wanting to help out my own Dcs and I am sure you are the same. We have zero family help nearby but my FIL and his partner drove 400 miles overnight to look after our DC1 when I went into labour early with our twins. So no, you are absolutely NBU to think that your DM might offer to help!! Have heard of other people hiring someone from the nursery their older child goes to so you are not alone. Good luck XX

CookPassBabtridge · 11/09/2019 13:17

We had no-one to ask so DP just stayed with our toddler, I didn't need him at hospital anyway.. they visited when baby was born but didn't stay long so toddler didn't disturb people.

stayathomer · 11/09/2019 13:19

People get caught up in their own stuff and don't think to offer. I used to wade through life thinking I had no help and then I started asking people. Don't hint, don't beat around the bush, ask her, if she says no you deal with that. I know y o uve a lot on your plate but talking solves so much

IsobelRae23 · 11/09/2019 13:21

She may have been waiting for you to ask- now you are both playing stand off.